he

40 years have passed since he first took his first breath.
he was not the typical young boy.
he walks in areas where there are no paths.
he has done this all his life.
he stays in the same town he grew up in.
he wonders about what it is like to move and live elsewhere.
he has had various hobbies during his lifetime, all of which he has, pretty much, given up on.
he drives a car that is 12 years old with 118,875 miles on it, the mule.
he wishes he had wings to fly high in the sky,  but reality is often harsh.
he goes out with friends here and there,  but always goes home to an empty bed.
he sometimes feels completely alone in a room full of people.
he keeps busy most of the time while waiting to see what happens tomorrow.
he often wishes there was significant other that gives to him what he gives to her.
someone willing to leap as he leaps, fly as he flies, feel as he feels, but he has to keep his feet on the ground.
he sometimes feels like a piece of bubble gum, chewed up and either spit out or stuck under a table somewhere.
he wears his heart on his shoulders,  while living inside of it.
have you seen where he went? 

originally wrote this around August of last year, added a bit to it, and only just now deciding to post it. 

1-10-16 with: giving it up

an artist without inspiration isn't like a person without food
although sometimes they are, those are the ones that give up living
an artist without inspiration lives on, they just give up art
rather it's writing or painting or taking pictures or whatever
an inspiring sun beam, an inspiring scene of love
can go from inspiring to heartbreaking
inspiration can change quickly and suddenly
or slowly but surely until the clouds of dark overwhelm
a sunset, a couple in love, a cat or dog playing in the yard
the inspiration from it all is syphoned away
outside forces, a broken heart or loss of love,
the lack of love, the loneliness of a cold night, separation anxiety,
when even your dreams are beginning to become clouded with dark
an artist without inspiration is no artist at all
as for me, im no artist, for my only art is my love

well, i haven't written anything in a while
inspiration is dwindling away from me
of course im no writer, im no artist, my only art is my love
i just write out of sadness or out of elation
i just write to speak to no one and everyone
i write to have an ear to hear me
even if it's no ear at all
the days are dragging on, the first bite of winter yesterday
continuing on today with a low temp of 29 Fahrenheit tonight
i feel ok, just the usual waves of the ocean
3 and a half weeks away from reaching 40 years old
a pinnacle indeed, but i've never celebrated my birthdays much
perhaps friends will toss up a drink for me
a card in the mail would be nice, but of course nary a card will come
i actually do miss the days of getting letters or cards in the mail
my mother will probably throw a family get together for it
which is nice, a meal of my choosing
well, i used to take writing more seriously
but then i started noticing that i sounded more and more like those
influenced my writing and i began to think that i was
turning into a carbon copy of those that wrote before me
so i guess it works well that ive never really been much of a reader
i'd rather listen to a book, unless of course it's something educational
then i dont mind the reading
take me away, to the deserts of india where the cobra gypsies live
take me away to fields of green meadows
take me away to where my home really exists
my true home...eternally

my art

my only art is my love

12-2-15

better days out of reach
those positive ways elude me
the flu hit me monday, full on
like getting hit by a car just without the physical damage
today, the first day i feel a bit better
body ache is gone, fever is gone as well
was a bit rough feeling that bad and having the heart ache
and loneliness...double trouble
i feel......well, i feel melancholy, but there's an ember.....
there's an ember inside me that is still smoldering
still waiting to ignite the fire again...
my problem is that it's just hard to stay positive these days
some days the anger stirs, other days the tears, other days just
the default monotony of the daily grind
and well sometimes it's a combination of all of the above
my promises and commitments stand true
my words stand true...through it all
well, thanksgiving came and went and now christmas
is creeping up not so slowly
the time passes faster and faster
and often times it seems like a few days is
equal to an eternity
let's see what tomorrow brings
the unknown, such a beauty
some fear the unknown
but there's a beauty hidden in it
i try and i cry, i am still here
my emotions and feelings and love
i soar through skies of all realities
i glide through streams of all emotions
i permeate into the pores of dreams
i do these things i do for you

11-14-15

i still struggle most days, most every day
only now i hide it behind my silent eyes
well, my eyes that are silent to most
but they scream loudly for one
my eyes.....
most things come as no surprise
except of course, when it comes to the world
more specifically the people of the world
the craziest of crazy
well, i've always needed something to drive me
not that i dont think decently of myself
but ive always needed a reason to fight
a reason to keep my persistence going
rather that be love or a passion of life or whatever
only now, im stranded on this barren beach
just waiting, perhaps im just waiting for my bones to bleach
of all the things in my life thus far, there's only one part
i truly miss, over any and all else
it's a cold and lonely night here
i sit here shivering, typing this nonsense out here
screaming and yelling louder than ever through my tears
my mouth is silent, but those tears, those tears scream
i wonder if you can hear them?
they call for you, they call your name
the cats are none the wiser
they're both in the back room somewhere
they sleep in ways i wished i could
i feel ok, the sadness persists
im just waiting to see...
life is strange, and stranger still each year that passes
dreaming, dreaming, dreaming...

5 minute "art"

some of my 5 minute "art" created today

posting a draft: evaporating

a vapor rises now, a steam, evaporating
each thought i have, evaporating
each moment i think, evaporating
each time i feel, evaporating
each time i dream, evaporating
memories and dreams, evaporating
hopes and wishes, evaporating
hugs and kisses, evaporating
love and happiness, evaporating
life evaporating

this has sat in my drafts since around the end of 2013.
here it is unedited