lost in thought

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lost in thought
like being in a darkened candle lit library
and as for him, he sits in an empty room
with walls like coffin lids
and time ticks not by the hands of a clock
but rather by sun beam awakenings of morning
and by the rising and falling of his chest with each breath
maybe more like frozen in time
while time passes still
staring into the emptiness
of the corners of the ceiling
random memories, thoughts from the past
bubbling like carbonation in cans of soda
those friendship days
those encapsulated in love days
those days were nice
traded for the isolation days
those remembering human contact days
those deafening silence days
no conversations, no warm body
oh he dreams sometimes
....he still wonders why she still visits him in his dreams
dreams that remind him of what once was
and that is no longer
dreams that make him question everything
the very minute he wakes up
and also dreams that bring the sadness of his heart to life
lost in thought
lost like once when he was in single digit age range
he got lost at the local mall
separated from his mother
oh how incredibly immense it seemed
and how tiny and small he felt
too few are the memories of his childhood
lost in thought

perception

a randomness of thoughts
as always scroll down and click play first,
then read

a drive down dark and desolate roads
nothing but a haze of the days pain
he was searching for death, you see
driving around for hours
getting lost on purpose
the rare street light giving it's yellow light
it went from daylight to night as he drove
sometimes it's nice to get away and think
he used to think that anyway
now it's just best to stay hidden away
what a strange thing perception is
how easily it can change
to see in one light,
and yet see it again in another.
funny thing to see it also change a
person's emotional state towards things.
every thought a picture
every view a stage
perception
what does a year's worth of isolation do?
how does it change perception?
and which view is/was the "right" view?
a year's worth of isolation
well, actually a year and one month
emotions? i may have forgotten them
rarely ever a laugh or a tear
mostly a state of nothing
but in that nothing, there's no pain
no chance for the hunters to have their way
no chance for the tiny slither of what
is left of my heart to get shattered again
a full year and one month and it went by
in a blur of repetition
a repetition that makes you forget days
and weeks, even months go by unnoticed
till the summer heat arrived
and gave a simple reminder of the days
oblivious to perception at times
oblivious to himself
and it's sometimes obvious to him
of the negatives of things
a full year wasted, one more year older
the extremity of no real human interaction
until a few days ago when two contacted him
that perception or view was welcomed
there's that word again, perception
eyes see and minds think
thoughts sink and emotions rise
perception

thought collage - a journal entry

this has sat, unnoticed, in my drafts
for well over a year now
not sure about it, but here it is
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then read 

he sits weakened, arms weak and head heavy
coughing and sinus congestion reign supreme
neighborhood dogs destroy his solace in silence
they perform a tag team ballet destroying peace
destroying sleep and sanity
unchecked cacophony of barking
day after day a non stop barrage
a cup spilling over from being filled up too much
the sun and the birds are oblivious to these things
they fly in skies of beauty in peaceful melodies
the clouds showing them the way to bliss and magic
all together they form a unison of solace
a dream for the broken down and weary wanderers
and let's not forget the trees and plants
waving and swaying in the magic of cool breezes
he watches them with a heavy heart
watches their dance, their contentments
.....a struggle to focus on things
powerless is putting it very lightly
the way a battery powered toy must feel with no batteries
a car with no gas
a hungry child with no food
he sat for a moment and thought
"how can people live in the world and not know that
simple things like an unruly, barking dog can
completely destroy the peace and solace in a persons world?"
a vacation or evacuation
i must be missing something here
ahh, once again he's done it
he sometimes slips up and says i instead of he
he is more flawed than good these days
OBSOLETE

fading days, time lost 8-13-2020

written a few days ago,
but only now posting
since i can not decide
if it is finished or not
as usual, scroll down
and click play, then read.

 

dry eyes and a weary countenance
absent thoughts or a torrent of them
i still drown when i focus on them too much
love is an echo down a big and deep canyon
can you hear it?
i've forgotten what it sounds like
hung across dreams of old
lost in a distant memory of fading days
a plateau of collected and faded memories
dim are the lights in present days
a blur of repetition
the days fly by like rockets into space
a fading of me into the past
into the lonely shores of time lost
time lost....
like a lost toy, lost car keys, a lost child
fading days, yeah
no stars in the sky of loneliness
no affirmations or pleasantries
extreme isolation
a cold embrace of nothing
no warmth of another
no fracture of the rooms' silence 
fading days and time lost

well, it's been a while
my boy cat sam died while on the way to the vet
he became too weak to move
around and eat anymore
inevitability
death will come to us all
the girl cat still goes on dreaming in her ways
and as for me? well let me see
i went from one extreme to the exact opposite
a people person to being afraid of people
a socialite to an extreme shut-in hermit
an interaction of futility at best
living life through small glimpses from
bedroom and living room windows
i've removed any and all social medias from my phone
was just a musing on purposelessness after all
i also no longer watch or read ANY news at all
not that i ever really paid much attention to it anyway
to be honest i think everyone should take some time
disconnected for a bit and get back to true reality
my health wavers although i don't know for certain
since i haven't really been to a doctor in years and years
but from some of the symptoms ive felt the past month or two
i'd definitely say something was amiss
well, the future is so damned uncertain for me
sometimes it is unnerving to me as well.
but most days im indifferent to it all
if no one has ever fought for me,
why should i fight for myself?
misguided youth that dissolved into adulthood
yes that's me, the non conformist with the long hair
just hiding in the shadows of the bedroom walls
and perhaps in the distant and fading memory of others
those that knew me.