12-26-2020 10:09 am

originally started this earlier today
but only just now finished it
as usual, for best results
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing

broken limbs crunch under foot steps
through wandering paths to infinity
broken dreams crack under each thought
under the weight of life's aches n pains
that get stacked up onto backs
one can only wonder if middle aged back pains 
come from this weight
as the damages take their tolls on minds and hearts
and the bluebird sings it's song
the child plays with not a care in the world
...their universe, untouched, is where real dreams are
and far far away we go, as age stacks up
and shoulders crack and collapse
and we put far too much on our plates
or in some cases far too little
all the while distracting our selves with
habits and behaviors and trinkets and gadgets
and social medias and mind altering chemicals
oh like water in rivers and vapor in winds
the flow don't stop as one dies and more are born
the consumption of a life into nothing
makes one really think how special life actually is
since there's a trillion and one of us all
and we all eventually are forgotten
well, they say it's about the journey
and not the beginning or the end
i always laugh a little when i see or hear that
and immediately the thought comes to my mind
some journeys are brutal and with sure
impending destruction
what about that journey ?
is it also about those journeys
the destroyed ones that have been dragged
through the dirt of the sewers
that have been repeatedly stomped on
whilst they were already down
when they were already defeated before
they were even old enough and strong enough to fight
i've fallen into a spiral of infinite thoughts 
thoughts and feelings whose fingers are icy cold
and they squeeze at my throat
i dance across frozen tears
frozen in time and space
and the sirens voice calls me from afar
from the spaces between loneliness and 
those dying dreams and aspirations i once held dear
my feet hurt and my head rings
i used to run and slide on the ices and frozen puddles
when i was a child, before the damage was dealt and 
before the hunters got their claws and arrows into me
before life grabbed me and wrung me like a dish rag
memories and dreams like leaves on autumn trees
happiness like a fleeting after thought
i even think i am beginning to forget what that even feels like
joy, elation, beauty....clouds are forming and enveloping those
am sure eventually they will become consumed
and i will no longer have a memory of such things
i drove down this road once in a very bad state of mind
i kept driving for a long while and it had gotten dark outside
at some point i was forced off the road and onto a side road
of which had no lights at all and only ended up forcing you to turn around
but before i turned around i saw that was obviously a spot where 
someone must have been living various trash and a make shift
bed and such, even some signs of which i couldn't read and 
i started to feel an uneasy feeling there so i didn't linger to see what
the signs actually said, they were hand written signs
i couldn't help but wonder who it was that had been there and why
i found myself driving for hours contemplating life and death
that day was my first real glimpse of this desperate darkness i speak of
i mean i had seen it was i was young, but i didn't quite have an understanding
the adult understanding of life and such
i felt it once when i had gotten lost while driving to visit a friend
and as far as i could see there was nothing at all
other than the highway i was on that was even remotely signs of humans
and even that highway i was on was a scarcely used one at that
i couldn't help but to suddenly feel overwhelmed 
and a sense of complete insignificance hit me and i got out
of the car and dropped to my knees for a few moments
it wasn't until i got back in the car that i noticed i had been crying
ive no idea why, i wasn't scared or anything and i had no reason to be sad
since i knew exactly how to go back to the road i got there from
maybe one day i'll go again for a drive to try to get lost again
until then i don't even know at all what i am doing anymore
and of course i also don't know where i'm going
other than nowhere
i felt like i was home once, when i was floating on clouds of beauty
and love was as tangible as water, and it was like nothing ever before
i felt normal for that short brief moment in time and in my life
i felt as the mountains, tall and strong and eternal
why did they have to throw me away like a wadded paper
why did they siphon life from me 
why did they syphon me out of me
nothing but this deflated busted and worn out balloon left
i often felt like that through my entire life
like chewed gum stuck under cafeteria tables
i feel tired and my head rings still
my words like grains of sand on the beach
what is one grain of sand to an entire beach and an ocean of it?
insignificant

øjeRum · The Dance

12-23-2020 10:00 pm

apparently i didn't hit publish
when i actually wrote this
as usual and for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already auto-playing
thanx for reading

the most excitement i've had in quite a long time
was going to the emergency room last night
due to chest pains and tightness in my chest
the most social interacting i've done in a while
the man who was claiming to have been shot in his leg,
walking with such erratic and limping steps
the only different between him and me, i thought
was the fact that i don't talk to myself aloud 
whenever i'm around others
he was, seemingly, having a full on conversation
about crack and eating his peanut butter crackers with himself
then he demanded a wheel chair from the nurses,
but then abandoned it within minutes of getting it
he made a big mess with the peanut butter crackers
pieces of them and crumbs all over the floor
in both places where he sat at
he became angry when the nurses came out to take him to
start the process and then told them to wait and come back to him
because he said he just got there and need time to sit for a minute
at some point a policeman had to come over to get him to cooperate 
or he was going to be asked to leave
his yelling incoherently and cursing i found comical
but out of respect i hid my chuckles
i couldn't help but wonder what his story was
where he came from and what got him to where he is today
so that he was yelling and cursing at those that were only trying to help him
the entire time i waited in that waiting room
was a struggle to fight back tears and emotions
i've been overwhelmed with them lately
any down time at all and the emotions and tears flow
and so once i sat down in that chair in the waiting room
the war begun
i'd quickly linger on things that distracted me
such as the ambient sounds of a hospital
the sounds of the x-ray machines
i would listen to peoples voices and the potential 
emotion behind their words while not focusing on what they
were saying, but just the sound of their voices
nurses laughing and enjoying conversations between tasks
it kind of made me sad though, considering my isolation
and my overwhelming loneliness
i miss conversations and laughing
the little connecting with others
the whole time i was at that hospital, i only spoke
with the nurses and doctors that tended to me
some of the female nurses that passed by or came to tend to me
smelled very nice and oh how it made me miss the company
of a woman their conversations, their thoughts and emotions
oh how i could soak it up like a dry sponge does with water
their eyes like crystals that sparkle with the sun's light
and don't get me started on their beauty and ways
the way they walk and move like a painting being painted
one can imagine in the days of old when men took 
their coats off and tossed them on the ground for the women to
walk on so as to not get their shoes or dresses tainted by puddles or mud
oh how i miss their skin, so delicate like flower petals
i miss their hugs and kisses and flirtations
i miss the warmth of their love
well, i couldn't hold it back after a certain point
and so there i sat in an emergency room waiting room
tears flowing like rivers
which, of course, caused concern for the nurses to which 
they had the counselor come check on me once i got into a room
and of course i dumped out my troubles on them
kind of sad, really, the whole thing
must have been quite the spectacle
middle aged long haired man sitting there weeping 
well, a strong cold front has blown through and the winds
are blowing persistently, gusting and shaking things 
no warm person to cuddle up with and to just be
the bed will be extra cold this night to warm up
oh how i do wished we could understand truly, the real reason 
we're all here on this planet, dying and crying, loving and holding
why the world is the way it is
why people are the way they are
and why things seem to be getting so far away from beauty now
such a strange situation to think about
we all die inevitably, and such short lives we live
oh how i wished i could understand it all
i really do think often about if i had never been born

there seems to be a comfort in that thought for some reason
it's strange to me as well because, quite obviously i was born
well, the girl cat is playing with some of her toys and things
and intermittently coming to me to be petted in between
the room is cold and i am tired
i only slept for around 2 and a half to 3 hours on monday night
and then no sleep last night due to being in the emergency room
for the duration of the night
so im hoping tonight i will sleep as soundly as i ever have
and i hope i dream dreams of elation and magic
even though i know that when i wake up
those dream will be the means to my sadness once again 

øjeRum · Your Voice Remained Under The Moonlight And Above The Rooftop Of This Abandoned Forest

12-22-2020 12:05 am a rambling journal entry

for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing

i once wandered through the field
behind my grandparents house
i went further in than i ever had before
because, of course, i was alone
pine trees, chest high grasses
would have been easy to hide in
i wandered around seeing what i could see
and then went back to the house
as i was going in, my chest felt a burning
and itching and i saw on my shirt
what seemed like a ball of lint or 
something like a piece of cotton
or fiber from the field
i tried to brush it off, and it stung me
in my chest, like a wasp 
you see, i was sent there to stay for a day
or two as punishment for something i did
that i can not remember currently
i was the only one there for those days
felt strange to be in that house...in the den
and laying down to sleep that night
to a black n white tv set 
was strange going to sleep when i felt like it
it was seemingly a refreshing thing
to get lost in space and time wandering in that field
the asp sting wasn't fun, obviously
seems like that moment when i went to lay down to sleep
lasted an eternity, hearing the cars down the busy road
outside, and the sounds of night in that area
i wished i could remember more memories
like that from when i was a child,
but for whatever reason, most of them were erased
at some point in my life
and most of these current days seem like a blur to me
but sometimes i try to stop and pause for a moment
to try to remember things from back then
a small part of me feels like it might be something
to be able to go back there and feel those feelings again
but alas, i think one time is enough
the stresses and pains, and heartaches of this life 
are more than enough reason to NOT want to go back
i often times wonder, what it must be like
for those that actually read this
how they might feel to read a man's suffering spilled out 
i'm glad and honored that they took time from their own lives
and took time to read my troubles and thoughts and feelings here
i also wonder where they might live
and who they are and what pains and sadness they have had to endure
i can only hope that i don't burden them and make them sad
from reading all my rambling of emotions and such here
i know most all of my writings here are very depressing and such
but it does kind of help to, at least, get some of it out
and to put it here so that, perhaps, someone can read it
thanks for taking the time out of your day
and/or night and thanks for reading this
i see the beautiful field in the distance there
whenever i close my eyes and think of love
the one with the tall grasses and beautiful flowers
and the trees that sway like ballet dancers
i can see the waves of winds in the grasses
and the place where we can lie down and let the wind blow over us
it's nice to share with someone you love
with someone that loves you
but those places are bleak when loneliness is around 
when your heart withers from no love
those places can make the sadness waves turn into tsunamis
and so i try to stay in the spaces where i can maintain
where i can forget the sadness of my broken heart
and the pains and sufferings of life
to avoid the shame of the failure of a life i've lived
and to avoid the defeat of the constant mistakes i've made
for now, i just wished there was someone that cares 
someone to hold me and cuddle me as the emotions of my life
explode out from me in the form of tears
but alas, i have a cold empty bed to have to warm up instead

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne

12-16-2020 12:41 am

as usual
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
then read

my mind is blank,
absent some form of active thought
most thoughts rise like smoke in grey skies
the cold temperatures have arrived
laying down, at night, in an empty cold bed
a wait for my own body to slowly warm it
you see, it takes traveling to the moon alone
to gain an understanding
and learning to communicate with 
empty spaces and with silent things
the girl cat is currently eating
she still dreams in ways i can only wish for
it's like i'm walking on a small globe
constantly down a hill
struggling to keep my feet grounded
and shaking with each step i take
each step wants me to move faster and faster
.....that kind of gravity is the heaviest of all
all the while, i only want to lie down
on the ground and just gaze, endlessly, at the stars
oh, im tired....oh so very tired
an empty plate is just as heavy as a full plate
always nice to have a balance
but alas, i wouldn't know what balance even is
i see balance out there across the chasm of nothingness
a chasm of nothingness that has surrounded me
and marooned me on this small globe
and on the other side of the chasm
i can sometimes see beauty unimagined
small glimpses that seemingly torture me from afar,
jabbing and poking and prodding me to tears
perhaps similar to how a caged bird must feel 
the holidays are here which in turn means my birthday is near
it will be 45 years since i took my first breath of air
feels like so much longer than that
and often times i feel far far older than that as well
now days i often think of what is to come
feeling these emotions, thinking these thoughts
expressing them out to feel some relief
relief that someone might read it
and in their own mind, they might care
the future is so scary to me now
what happened to me?
did giving up drinking really put me here?
nah, i've just had time to feel and reel in
all the emotions i avoided while i did drink
it's all catching up to me i guess
perhaps if i ever finish my auto-biography
i should call it "How NOT to Live Life"
the weight of my life seems heavier than 
any stone or mountain or even planet
and my shoulders are crushed
with most all the bones broken
if only i had some drive left
if only i had a reason to push on...to fight on
instead i feel as a party balloon in the gutter
holes in it, ran over, dirty water soaked
unable to hold any air
sometimes i get tempted to answer the scam calls
on my phone, just to have someone to talk to
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
if only i had someone that cared
someone that really and truly cared
if only i could feel a hug
a real and true hug
how amazing it would feel
how humbling and warm it would feel
but my thinking of it right now
only makes me so incredibly sad
so insanely sad, that i'd rather stop thinking for right now
perhaps the magic of beautiful dreams will
massage my weak and frail mind whilst i sleep
i plead for a reprieve

øjeRum · Jorden Under Stille Vand