12-22-2020 12:05 am a rambling journal entry

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i once wandered through the field
behind my grandparents house
i went further in than i ever had before
because, of course, i was alone
pine trees, chest high grasses
would have been easy to hide in
i wandered around seeing what i could see
and then went back to the house
as i was going in, my chest felt a burning
and itching and i saw on my shirt
what seemed like a ball of lint or 
something like a piece of cotton
or fiber from the field
i tried to brush it off, and it stung me
in my chest, like a wasp 
you see, i was sent there to stay for a day
or two as punishment for something i did
that i can not remember currently
i was the only one there for those days
felt strange to be in that house...in the den
and laying down to sleep that night
to a black n white tv set 
was strange going to sleep when i felt like it
it was seemingly a refreshing thing
to get lost in space and time wandering in that field
the asp sting wasn't fun, obviously
seems like that moment when i went to lay down to sleep
lasted an eternity, hearing the cars down the busy road
outside, and the sounds of night in that area
i wished i could remember more memories
like that from when i was a child,
but for whatever reason, most of them were erased
at some point in my life
and most of these current days seem like a blur to me
but sometimes i try to stop and pause for a moment
to try to remember things from back then
a small part of me feels like it might be something
to be able to go back there and feel those feelings again
but alas, i think one time is enough
the stresses and pains, and heartaches of this life 
are more than enough reason to NOT want to go back
i often times wonder, what it must be like
for those that actually read this
how they might feel to read a man's suffering spilled out 
i'm glad and honored that they took time from their own lives
and took time to read my troubles and thoughts and feelings here
i also wonder where they might live
and who they are and what pains and sadness they have had to endure
i can only hope that i don't burden them and make them sad
from reading all my rambling of emotions and such here
i know most all of my writings here are very depressing and such
but it does kind of help to, at least, get some of it out
and to put it here so that, perhaps, someone can read it
thanks for taking the time out of your day
and/or night and thanks for reading this
i see the beautiful field in the distance there
whenever i close my eyes and think of love
the one with the tall grasses and beautiful flowers
and the trees that sway like ballet dancers
i can see the waves of winds in the grasses
and the place where we can lie down and let the wind blow over us
it's nice to share with someone you love
with someone that loves you
but those places are bleak when loneliness is around 
when your heart withers from no love
those places can make the sadness waves turn into tsunamis
and so i try to stay in the spaces where i can maintain
where i can forget the sadness of my broken heart
and the pains and sufferings of life
to avoid the shame of the failure of a life i've lived
and to avoid the defeat of the constant mistakes i've made
for now, i just wished there was someone that cares 
someone to hold me and cuddle me as the emotions of my life
explode out from me in the form of tears
but alas, i have a cold empty bed to have to warm up instead

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