untitled...my emotional thoughts

and so it has exploded from me once more
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again

written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it

 

12-14-2017

10:55pm
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you 
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones