11-20-2024 23:40

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the cold has arrived with it's embrace

and darkness comes earlier and earlier each day

i sit with an empty mind and an empty heart

bound to a fate so very different than i'd ever desired
as time and age begins to take it's toll

to begin to deplete that which emotional and 
childhood damages did not 

i've looked forward to the overcast grey skies
and the brisk breezes that flow
driving with the windows down
feeling the chills touch through my hair
and on my skin a soothing comfort of sorts
a sort of reminder there are still things i can enjoy
albeit ever so subtle and miniscule

what is a dreamer without dreams?

what is a lover without love?

what is a middle aged man without a purpose?

left behind and tossed aside like old shoes
to cry out to an empty room
to reach out to no response
like feeling around in a pitch black room
hands extended out reaching, searching,
reaching and searching, feeling, grasping...
as i remain in a mostly isolated state
coming up on 6 years since i shut myself in
disconnected from it all
from the hunters and their arrows
from the constant persistence of rejection
from being not good enough, second best
disconnected from myself

and now that my kitties are dead and buried
i'm really alone and feel it like never before
the lianas of emptiness have crowded 

and have taken over my thoughts of late
and not just an ordinary emptiness
but a complete emptiness, like nothing
i've ever felt before, so empty in fact that
it's become an absence, a collapse

oh i long for companionship
i long for a beautiful woman's love
and her presence, her thoughts
to envelope me like a cloud
to lift me and carry me away to those 

oh so beautiful and soothing fields of green grasses
if only, if only, if only, i could be so lucky
if only i could be free of this life i live
if only for once i could have the things 

in life i've always wanted and dreamed of

i just want to be free

i don't know how much more i have in me

how much more will to persist....to exist

and as another midnight passes,

i sit watching the world, time pass by

quicker and quicker as each year ticks by

and i wonder how much longer i'll be left
behind, forgotten and left to watch the world

and time pass me by
for life itself to pass me by

11-7-2021 11:24pm

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i've not much to say these days
as the season changes and
the days grow short
days where music tells a better tale
and so i will leave this song here
perhaps it can tell you too a tale
a tale that my words can not
that my thoughts and emotions can not tell
well, i feel decently of late
thoughts still swirl
and the girl cat still dreams
and the neighbors still destroy
the peace and gentle quiet of the neighborhood
which in turn bashes my sanity
a loud truck or loud stereo or both
my world has changed
and yes, perhaps, i've changed
perhaps because of it all
perhaps because of 3 years of isolation
sober isolation
it has been extraordinarily difficult
and yet the past few months has calmed
things seem easier to see and observe these days
i think everyone should stop and disconnect
sober up for a while and isolate for a while
maybe then we will pay attention to the birds
that sing and watch the trees that dance 
see the wind caressing the meadows of grass
or watch the dog or cat play in the suns rays
maybe then we can see one another actually
maybe then the world would explode with love all around
until then i sit back and watch
as people are ads in magazines
i watch as leaves swirl on the ground 
i watch as years pass like water trickling
down the rooves of homes after a storm
watch how we too are like that water
that trickles down roof tops
here for a short while, then gone 
don't forget to be kind to one another
and as another midnight passes
i hope for clarity for the world
as i sit watching time dance with the world
watching time dance with the world....

Jeannine Schulz · When The Monk Found A Feather

8-9-2021 11:32pm

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i sometimes sit down to empty
the contents of my mind
and will sit for a while overthinking every
single thought that comes to mind
sometimes it becomes an inner struggle
of which i end up tossing the thoughts
out and scrapping anything i had written
i even have gone back and reread some
of the things i've written before
back when i was still drinking
and compared them to things ive recently written
and i think did drinking really change me that much
or did i myself change because of my deep
isolation and sobriety that is still ongoing
i think deep down i've always felt big
had deep thoughts and emotions
but i buried most of myself away with drinking
and self destructive behaviors 
but perhaps i have changed a bit
i think it is impossible to have such an isolation
and to not be changed by it 
especially in the way i did
going from being an extremely social person
to an isolated hermit rarely going outside
going from tons of friends to practically none
and all the while coming to the age realization
that i'm 45 years old and a crossroads is very very near
the reality of mortality and life and life with no meaning
and the constant struggles that go with that
and all the while with no support system
so sometimes ill sit down with plenty of thoughts
just to get up having written nothing down
i guess ill admit i'm probably not the same 
person i was back then and i most definitely 
feel different inside
the core of me is the same, 
it's hard to say, though, how i feel these days
so much intense repetition and habit
that life has blurred
so much isolation that my feelings and thoughts
appear in my head the way dust or lint appears
when it's in the air and it goes into the light of a sunbeam
those tiny sparkles and the floating tumbles in the air
for some reason lately, i've started to feel 
a kind of burning inside, like a fire is lit
no idea why or what it is about, but for now i
entertain this feeling and i don't push it out
and as another midnight passes
and the and as the flames of insanity burn brightly 
on the horizons of people the world over
i sit here thinking
sifting through the days thoughts
curious of what the burning inside may mean

Artem Amirkhanyan · Է

i used to drink

 i wrote this a few nights ago
i know ive written about it before
but i couldn't shake the thought 
off until i wrote it here
was unsure about posting it
but what the hell
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i used to drink to feel normal
even if for a few hours in a night
i used to drink to chase dreams into 
the infinite glass bottom
i used to drink to hide from realities
that are chained to me, holding me
i used to drink so that i could stop
thinking and to stop feeling
i used to drink
it's been so long since i drank
that i've forgotten how long it's been
i'm going to guess i quit in or around 2018
so weird to think it's been that long
part of me, so very much, misses chasing dreams
into infinite glass bottoms
feeling normal for just a few hours
but in my mind set and at this stage in my life
drinking is pointless
it was always an act of futility
throwing money away to purposely
harm my body......my mind
"a shot of Jameson"
"vodka with a splash of sprite"
like going down a water slide
a blur going down each time
watching the years go by like the 
pages of a flip book
faces like city lights
eyes like laser beams
emotions like dynamite
a haze of peasantries and illusions
a plethora of souls running the same 
running from the past, from pain
from realities unknown
searching for answers, solutions
searching for distractions from the life
they already live, but lost sight of
times like these i really really miss
that drunken stupor of vodka soaked 
dreams and dance floor scenes
gulp one down and get on the dance 
floor and close your eyes and sail away
into an empty room with lights like thoughts
and comfortable feelings like arms from a hug
and occasionally opening your eyes
only for a moment before hiding away again
or dashing to the bar again for more
of course in today's world and way of things
chasing dreams in bottles and going the way of 
blackout drunkenness would be so very good
but there's something in the air
something deep inside me
giving me the will to never drink again
like something telling me not to because
there's something going on
because of some other reasoning, i'm unaware of
sure i miss it dearly at times
but i have zero desire for it
same with  smoking cigarettes
i so very much miss the flavor of cigarettes
and the smell of them as well
always loved the smell of them since i was a child
and to this day i still love the smell of cigarette smoke
but i've no desire at all to smoke again
not sure why this all came to me tonight
or why i couldn't stop thinking about it
but figured i'd take note of it here
as another midnight passes me by

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

7-18-2021 11:23pm

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just a little more of the contents
of my thoughts and feelings

my mind has been more active than usual
lately and i'm not sure why
something is in the air
i can feel it clearly 
seeing the state of societies across the world
so much has boiled up and is pouring over
evil running rampant, unrest all over the world
like never before...never before
we have gone so far off the path
and so far away from beauty
and i'm beginning to feel as though there is 
literally no going back now
people pushing evil as though it were good
hate soaring through the skies of innocence
i really feel bad for the world
the world is harsh enough as it is
why do people have to make it harder
why do they seem to want to make it harder, 
more evil, more death and destruction
they seem to enjoy such things
people living life as if life goes on forever
as if none of us dies, even though we all do
every single person or animal ever born
will die with 100% death rate
and with such a short amount of time given
why would we not want to do good,
spread kindness, TRUE kindness
not that fake doing kind acts for likes on "social medias"
not that false representation of kindness
i feel when the act of doing a kind act
is of a selfish intent, it counteracts and destroys
the entire point of doing kind acts
and when i close my eyes,
i can see a cat playing in a field with grasses tall
chasing grasshoppers and butterflies
and when i open my eyes
i can see the world aflame
with people broken and beaten...defeated
and children laying dead or dying
their minds were twisted with lies and deceit
guided to the path of sheer defeat
i can see love out there
struggling to stay afloat in that
big sea of flames ... the flames of hatred
the flames of lies and deceit
and so most days i wanna keep my eyes closed
but obviously that's impossible
sometimes i'll stop, in the rare occasions
that i do go somewhere, and really look at people
i will look at their hands and their faces
into their eyes and try to see their pains
to try to imagine the hardships they may have had
look at them as a human being that has cried
that has hurt, and has been hurt and possibly has hurt others
if only we all could stop and just look at each other
never mind any stupid differences
never mind any stupid groups that we so blindly put ourselves into
any labels to separate us from the truth
if only we could all just connect as human beings
because at the end of the day, that is literally ALL we are
just human beings
we came into this world in the exact same way
our hearts beat in the same way
we bleed the same and get sick the same
we cry the same, we hurt and laugh and love the same
we go through the same things in this life
learning, loving, hurting, losing,
sometimes needing help, other times helping others
and yes we all experience death
it's too bad the whole world cant stop and just look
at one another, share a tear, share a hug,
share the beauty of being a human being
oh how i wished the world was different
how i wished people were different
oh my brain and it's ways of thought
these kind of haunting thoughts
and the imagining of what the world would be like
if we all did stop and just really looked at each other
allow the natural connections of the human experience
i think the world would see alot more love growing
but ah hell, what would i know?
i just really feel a quickening building
some kind of otherworldly pressure
not to sound too crazy, but like there's a huge
reckoning coming to the earth, to us all
i feel it now more than ever
something building in the atmosphere of this universe
i cant put my finger on it, but it feels as real and tangible
as food or clothes or the beds we lay in
and as another midnight passes by
i can't help but think of what possible future
may come to be upon this earth
and my heart weeps for the world
for human beings, for all of us on this planet
and yes i also weep because of loneliness, isolation
because of a lack of love and of the care of others
and i fear, greatly, the day when i no longer weep

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

7-13-2021 11:23pm

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was an average day today
i got out and mowed the lawn 
and cleaned out some stuff from the house
gonna be doing alot of that soon
haven't moved that much stuff around
and haven't done that much physical activity
in quiet a long time, so it's surprising that i didn't
get wore out, but in fact i feel fine,
even now at this time
mentally i'm wore out though
from the the inner battle inside
from seeing the world such as it is
from the deprivation of all things...from love
i 've been feeling fairly bad mentally lately
kind of scary a few times and so 
i actually reached out to someone i knew,
but my texts were unanswered
....that is a familiar kind of loneliness
almost called one of those crisis lines again
but figured what the hell do they care,
it's only their job to be on those phonelines
i'm just another file in a file cabinet so to speak
so i fell asleep thinking of the end of life
and tears streaming down my face
and as i mowed the lawn i had to fight the tears away
a woman going for a walk walked by and started
some friendly chatter
i was friendly to her and thought she was very
attractive, but i remained silent about that
and kept things cordial and she went on her way
i had stopped edging so she could pass by
and not possibly get hit by flying debris 
of course as i thought about that later 
in the day it made me sad 
sad because i so very much miss
the company of a woman
their conversations and the emotions in them
their feminine ways and perfumes
feeling loved, desired, embraced, and accepted
do you know beauty? the real beauty?

you know, the way her eyes squint when she laughs
the way her heart beats sound when your head is on her chest
the way she looks when she is sleeping and the peaceful look
on her face as she sleep

the movements of her hands when she talks
or the way she sits in a chair 
and yes, the perfection of her imperfections
but ahh, what the hell do i know?

just the mindless words of a lonely middle aged guy
although i'd like to think i know how to appreciate beauty
all the times ive practically paved roads for them and their love
the ones ive handed my heart to
it's not that i'm scared of getting hurt
it's more of the fact that i don't know if i can handle much more
since i'm already dangling from a thin thread, barely clinging on
i just wonder what will happen if i hand the final piece of my heart
to someone and then to have them destroy it as well

will i fade into the ether?

will i be able to remain sane?

will i jump from bridges or buildings into infinity?

will i be blasted into a state of catatonia?
well, i think i'd rather not see what would happen
a desperation builds inside
like icy cold hands on my shoulders
i just want to warm up, but it's impossible
it's just so hard to see anymore
since everything is so far away
like when you watch a plane flying at night
and you see it's light slowly fade to nothing
i used to watch planes and the stars all the time
but i don't do much of anything anymore

other than wither away
i must say it did feel nice to converse with that woman,
even if it were only a few small sentences
i tried my best to hide away my eyes though
i guess i do kind of fear eye contact these days
afraid someone will see in and know my pain
that my torturous struggle will be on display
like some days ago i had to go to the grocery store for a few items
and as i got cat litter, a woman came close to get litter as well
and we had idle chatter about cats,
but i did not make eye contact at all
i did see her coming down the isle and
yes she was very much attractive
or perhaps i'm such a lonely guy that
i'm seeing beauty everywhere since
i've been away from it for such a long time now

since ive been deprived of the presence of a woman
i think she must have thought i was crazy
as she turned and walked away
my dumb self almost started dumping words and emotions on her
some random attractive stranger
the tinnitus as been singing for the past few hours now
and my thoughts are swirling
and as another midnight passes by
i can only hope that if i dream tonight
i can be carried into fields of beauty
even though i know that once i wake up
they will make me sad
sad and lonely
a desperation seeps in

Dronarivm · Sven Laux And Daniela Orvin - Friends (from 'The Writings')

7-3-2021 11:45pm - 7-7-2021 10:30pm random thoughts

 as always, for best effect/results
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originally started writing this
on the third and decided
to finish it now

it's funny how our minds will remember things
that, seemingly, don't have any significance
or perhaps it's just that we're unaware of the
significance of the memory
like once when i was a kid i went to a church
camp out event held in Eufaula Oklahoma
and i remember going into a store that the
bus had stopped at and seeing a fish tank with 
large fish in it and remembering how it seemed
kind of dark inside the store, but i remember 
how it felt cool and soothing 
i've no idea why that memory is still there considering
i must have been like nine, ten, or eleven years old then
perhaps a bit younger, but i can't be certain
i think my absolute earliest memory i have
is looking up at a radio transmitter/receiver tower
i must have been young enough to be held
as my mom walked towards a building
i was fixated on those towers and had that
intense feeling i've spoken about in posts before
of which i have never figured out why those
towers gave me such feelings
even as recently as 5 years ago or longer
you'd be surprised how fast time seems to fly by
when you've isolated yourself from the world
how a year can seem like a week
or how you can go from 42 years old to suddenly 45
and everything is a blur from repetition
routine, and habit
i sometimes can't get over how strange
this world is and how strange people are
all the various mechanisms of control we place
on each other and in fact on the world
one person thinks they have it all figured out
and they think they know best for all others
even though, NONE of us have it figured out
we never do even to the very moment we die
oh sure we can have understandings of things,
but we don't know outright
life, as i see it, is like driving a car through a cave
at midnight, without lights, without gps
riding blind, crashing and burning all the way
and to make matters worse there are too many
people that just follow the leader
too many that jump on bandwagons
even when the wagon is on fire and self destructive
and yes of course controlled by 
social medias and news medias
minds guided by hands that want us to be defeated
hands and minds that want us all to fight and hate and kill
and destroy everything
and to destroy love
but hey, what do i know, right?
im middle aged and failed at life
and i too am riding blind
or i should say merely existing blind
oh hell, my thoughts have been swirling again
i remember a dream i used to have
when i was younger
of being in a coffee shop that i used to frequent
and sitting at the bar with a sandwich and tea
i was talking to a female friend that i had
and i heard the sound of loud music
and time seemed to slow down and
my view switched to the third person
and i could see myself sitting there
and the car with the loud music 
started shooting into the coffee shop
even though i was in the third person,
 i could still feel everything
i was shot in the shoulder and in the chest
and i started to slump, but then a bullet 
hit me in the head and i dropped 
like a thousand pound weight 
into the ocean
i remember feeling the pain for a split second
until i felt nothing and i was looking 
down on myself and my friend that was crying 
over me and hugging me
as if i were a security camera
before the head shot, i felt the wound on 
my shoulder and ran my finger around and slightly 
into the wound....such an immensely strange feeling
ive had a number of strange dreams lately
one of which was unsettling and scary to me
a few of them included me killing myself 
in various different ways
and then some of the dreams were almost indescribable 
like in a wave of some kind of pulse
and thoughts were laid out like cutouts from a book
and randomly one of those thoughts would pop like a bubble
and seemingly disappear completely except for 
this kind of residue type haze or smear left behind
i cant even find the words to justly describe it all
why does this brain of mine have to be so strange?
i can see a glass on a table
and water is slowly being poured into the glass
and the glass is nearly full
and i can see people walking outside in 
hazes and dazes hypnotized by glowing screens
and talking heads telling them what to think
and how to act and yes even how to treat others
there isn't much room out there for a guy like me
i don't fit in anywhere and never did really fit in
when i was young i tried to find others like me
out there in the world and i thought i had found them
in the goth or new waver community
the goth club i frequented for twenty years off and on
i wanted to find other independent thinkers
other so called non-conformists, except without the lawlessness
i did meet some good people there
but also alot of nonsense as well
and as i stayed in that world of friends and peoples,
i slowly began to see that the majority of the people
were not non-conformists at all,
not quite the independent thinkers i thought were there
that in fact the majority of them were conformists all the way
alot of those bandwagon types as well as
the go along to get along ones, those fake it till you make it types
there is such an overwhelming self destructiveness in the 
whole fake it till you make it way of things
in the whole go along to get along mentalities
ive always thought that if you feel it, be it
if you're sad inside, be sad, let the emotion out
if you're mad, be mad
all within reason of course, ya don't want to go crazy
it's just not good to let things build up inside
rather it be sadness or anger or frustration or whatever
anything else don't seem to make sense
well, i guess there's a method to it all,
a way of life keeping a balance in all things
anyhow, i sit here now in this way
thinking of this world and my perception of it all
and typing out my thoughts and feelings here
im not sure what else to do with my thoughts
as i sit here withering like a single lonely flower
in a dusty old vase sitting in an empty
abandoned house
as another midnight passes me by 
contemplating various thoughts
thinking of the universe
of how i remember happiness
of what i remember how love feels
thinking about life and it's end
like lights in a room
ah well, i guess i refrain

6-24-2021 11:15pm

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inspiration....hmm
well, i don't find there's much in the world
today to inspire any form of thought or
thinking without being an echo
and i don't want to drone on
about the life of a middle aged lonely guy
out of touch with society
society such as it is today
and i don't want to drone on about the neighbor's
dog and it's noise of insanity that 
slices my mind and sanity with razor sharp
barks that echo in my mind loudly
and shakes my brain and heart and soul
so ill drone on about how it took me 
an hour to find a song to soothe my mind
....soothe my heart
a song to listen to and close my eyes
to feel for a moment and allow some thought
to enter my mind and for the emotion to begin
to well up in my mind like water in a glass
water that i'd rather drink down anyway
what words of mine are there?
what conjuration of contemplation of mine is there?
what part of me is still there trapped
between the yesterdays and tomorrows?
between the broken heart and the hope for 
what tomorrow might bring
trapped in the looped mind of fear
the circle of circles
it's harder and harder to see light
harder and harder to push forward
feels like being in a very long train tunnel 
through a mountain 
what do i do when inevitability kicks in?
pressure builds
it's harder and harder to write out what i feel
and how to say it
and i think it is harder and harder to believe
that anyone gives a damn anyway
sometimes i sit still for a moment 
and i try to feel my heart beating in my chest
sometimes it's easy to feel
since ive always had around a 104 heart rate
and the beats are sometimes strong
and of course i always acknowledge that
one day this old heart will stop beating
this old brain will stop thinking
this old soul and "heart" will stop aching
and will stop getting broken and smashed
that this old guy wont be around to 
feel the loneliness of an empty, abandoned house
with dust and dirt and cobwebs covering everything
wont be around to feel the rejection of ten thousand lives
all rolled up into one
strange thoughts for sure
i remember going to a house,
apparently they were mom and dads friends,
and they had peacocks there and a swimming pool
with thick green algea growing in it
and the water was dark with lots of leaves
they had this trailer outside with a lot of very long
florescent light bulb tubes in it
and they would pick one up and point it up at the
huge powerlines that went over it
and the light bulb tube would light up
was very interesting to me at that age
i don't remember it well, other than that
i wished my memory had not been effected such as it was
by life, by pills, by being born in a world
that i rarely ever related to or felt a part of
that only once or twice did i ever felt like i belonged to
how would i act if i decided to jump back into society?
what would i even begin to say to someone new?
would it be a mere gluttony of punishment and pain?
and at my age how could i start?
most people my age are married and have kids
how would i relate to them...those that made it?
and now that i do not drink at all, how would i go
about meeting these new people?
before the booze was the liquid courage
talk to anyone for any reason without a care
now  there's a slight terror in that
well, maybe not terror, but rather reluctancy to it
oh well, my thoughts are lit up here
but they rise like dark smoke in the middle of the night
barely seen by any and mostly going unnoticed
i don't really know how i feel either
do i even remember how to feel?
after 3 or so years of isolation
oh i will go to eat with my father to a restaurant
occasionally, but i keep my head down
looking at either the ground or the table
or glancing at my father
but i quickly go home thereafter
most of the time i don't feel comfortable going
but he really enjoys eating out but don't like 
going alone so i go anyway, even when i don't 
feel emotionally well or when i'd rather stay home
since he is in the golden years of life
i try to think of him and what he enjoys
i only wished i had lived a better life
for him and my mother
i wished i hadn't failed and made such a folly of my life
i feel such an incredible sense of shame because of that
no amount of showering or scrubbing
can wash that blood off of me
i can't think of it too much either
it is far far far too painful
and i'm already dangling by a thread as it is
trapped and tortured is putting it all lightly
sometimes i sit back and feel my inhales and exhales
i will close my eyes and think of how each breath
is a moment gone into the past
that will never be again
and of course i also think of one day these old lungs of mine
no longer inhaling and exhaling
oh how fast and short life is
how cruel it's ways of things are with 
the learning of lessons the hardest way 
and most of the time learning those lessons when it's too late
and the damage or damages are already done
i sit here as another midnight came and went
dazed with an overwhelming melancholy
inundating my brain and encapsulating my
ability to dream
it's funny that i said i wasn't going to drone on
about the life of a middle aged guy
and here i went back to that again
guess it's that swirl of thought in the headspace
suddenly i am overwhelmed with this thought:
i'm sorry mom and dad for being such a failure
and i'm sorry for all the troubles i ever caused you both
i'm sorry to anyone and everyone that i have ever hurt
both people i knew and those i may not have known
i only wished i could have done better in this life
the girl cat waits for me to pet her while i lay on the bed
waiting for unconsciousness to take over
another midnight came and went and i....
i sat here in the same way as the past 3 years or so
who am i really?
no one at all

5/1/2021 10:10pm - 5/21/2021 12:11am

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blood is splattered all over the flowers
the flowers in the fields of potential
they cry for the sky to rain down
showers of cleansing
to be free of the blood of shame
unable to move because their roots are deep
they can see the blades of true defeat
moving towards them
and they cry for the sky to rain down upon them
showers of cleansing, of a reprieve
i cry this night like many other nights
but this night i cry out of desperation
it rained here yesterday and a little today
the weather has been nice with the cool temperatures
grey overcast skies a comfort to weary eyes
i sit with weakened legs arms and head
i am running off of 2 hours sleep last night

that first bit was written at the time listed
but abruptly ended due to being totally 
overwhelmed by emotion
and ended up in me calling a crisis/ suicide
hotline thing and then it has sat in my drafts since
so instead of finishing ill just write what is
currently in mind

the neighbor's new dog drove me to craziness
today and had me outside yelling as loud as i could
possibly muster even louder than the dog
the dog woke me up early and had been
barking off and on the entire day
and my resistance to it broke
and sent me outside to yell and scream
like a mad man...well, i was mad
a build up from late night parties with booming bass or 
yelling and screaming like children even though
they're in adult bodies
a build up of dog barking
and of partially blocking my driveway
with trucks or trailers for about 5 years now
well, i wished that dreams were tangible
like picking a fruit off a tree branch or vine
i wished that for once in my life i could have
at least one wish come true and stay with me till i die
but that actually requires wishes or dreams
i don't have anymore of those these days
no aspirations, no other forms of 
disappointment
yeah, my mind has been absent of late
and my form is like spoiled milk
not so much the plastic bag in the wind anymore
cause at least with the plastic bag in the wind 
it has form and movement
movement and form
when i really think about movement and form
my lonely mind, of course, immediately thinks
of the beauty of the movements and forms of women
like the way the air curls around them as they move
and how i can see paths form and soften for their feet
as they saunter along doing day to day things
ah well, i miss my old life and friends
the random conversations and interactions
a small part of me does, sometimes, miss the drunken stupor
but ive no desire at all to drink ever again
i just miss being a human being
at this moment i'm a mere after thought
a reflection of mistakes and bad decisions
i miss hugs and handshakes and how are yous
i miss the eyes of others and the unspoken
emotions that pour out of them
i miss companionships and loyalty and trust
this life ive chosen now, i can tell with certainty
is a slow death as my health has begun to decline
sleep apnea, weight gain, chest pains from time to time
the strange sensations, physically, i feel in my head
and the tinnitus that goes along with that
i often feel bad or bad and strange upon waking in the morning
like something is terribly wrong with my body
and it now gives me a little anxiety when laying down to go to sleep
once i woke up in the middle of the night gasping
for air, im guessing, due to the sleep apnea, but i also felt
extremely nauseous and very strange, so much so
i had to get up out of bed and walk around the house a bit
was very unsettling and fairly scary as well
and with no health insurance, it's a waiting game i suppose
i'd love to change my life and my ways
but like most things far easier said than done
and even harder still without a support system
with help from people that care, from friends
and professional help, of which probably also requires
some kind of insurance that i don't have
i imagine going on long walks and talking with a friend or friends
i every so often think how can anyone love me when i don't love myself
and how can i love myself when no one else does?
i used to like myself, not narcissistically, but just the normal way
but after 45 years of constant struggles, broken hearts, betrayals,
and abuses i could only think of one common denominator
involved in all of that....me and i must be flawed beyond the typical
and so i became angry with myself and with the world
so of course i began to dislike myself
and when i think of how to turn it around again, it seems so far away
like the very faint distant sound of an echo in a deep canyon
i just wanna live again, i just want to be a normal human being
with friends and love and support, not tossed aside like worn out shoes
i miss living very much, i miss going to music shows
i just plain miss feeling like a normal human being
instead of a hermit that is just merely existing
existing between the monotony of routine and distractions
between the stresses of noisy neighbor dogs or boom bass stereos
that rattle pictures off the walls, or the same neighbor
partially blocking my driveway or the burning out
or the obvious after market exhausts that are also so loud
that pictures on the walls get rattled
oh well, i know i gotta do something soon
before my health gets beyond repair
hopefully i will sleep well, this night
as another midnight passes by

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

4-13-2021 11:25pm

 scroll down and click play
if the song is not
already auto-playing
thank you for your attention

warm blood into a cold heart
cold wind on warm skin
around in circles like ball bearings
'twas an uneventful day
i mowed the grass and edged 
first the backyard, and then the front
those first two lines going
through my mind in circles
during the entire time
sometimes in a variation
i was undecided on why it was
and rather neutral about it as well
but throughout the day,
off and on, it would enter my mind
so i figured why not write it out
and it's funny that nothing else came
to mind along with it,
just those two lines and nothing more
anyway, i see the world from afar
so distanced i am
seems as if i were on a mountain
peak looking down into a valley
a valley where a city sits
i can't see the people,
but i can see the lights of activity
movements of lights
turning off or on
some days ago, i forced myself 
to go to the grocery store
my eye fixed on signs 
almost unaware of the other people
that were in the store
until i nearly bumped into one
to which i promptly apologized 
and nodded my head 
and quickly walked on 
i only saw that they had white shoes on
as of late i no longer imagine others
in the way i used to
see someone and think of who they are
and what they may have been through
i just keep my head down
i do miss a nice stroll through a park
sitting on a park bench
and just being a human being
smiling at people that might walk by
oh but the conflict is harsh
go out and live so that history can repeat
or stay sheltered and lonely
safe from even more damage to my
already mangled feelings and emotions
i sometimes think, whenever i see my 
birth certificate, that i shouldn't have been born
i think about all the mistakes and bad decisions
ive made throughout my life
i think about some of my inabilities
and i think about how my mind is
the intricacies of how i think and what i think
it's also sad for me to think, im even somewhat
fearful of going to a counselor
of opening up to someone just to get tossed aside
or to just be looked at as just a case file in a cabinet
as has happened to me my entire life
as a toddler, wanting and needing attention from mom,
but because mom was busy with newborn sister,
she had not the time to deal with me
and i would always fall asleep on the floor
and as i got older, with women, needing and wanting love
needing and wanting acceptance and affection from them
but just getting left behind picking up the pieces of my heart
and then some of the abuse from back then 
all various ways/forms of abuse
oh well, my eyes are tired and my mind aches
the cat begs for bedtime petting and attention
attention that i give gladly since i know how it feels to want
attention, to want love, and acceptance, and yet to get none
well, i enjoy the spring season with the warmer temperatures
and the sounds of life springing back into order
albeit, from the view of a bedroom window
and mostly only through the sound of it
with the occasional glance outside
an occasional glance outside
well, the mind is such a strange thing
the world and life is such an incredibly strange thing
the ins and outs, ups and downs
the ebbs and flows
birth and death
such a strange thing
as for me it feels like im an alien
visiting a foreign planet
the alien observer
to borrow a song title
from an artist called Grouper
alien observer
kind of fitting and also such a good song
alas, the cat and my bed call me to them
here's to hoping i sleep through the entire night
as another midnight passes by

moshimoss · Nils Frahm - Less (moshimoss remix)

3-7-2021 11:45 pm

 as usual scroll down
and click play if it is not 
already auto-playing
then read
thanks for your attention

i can hear the rumbling of a train
running down the tracks not too far from here
my mind wonders if there's any 
train jumpers or hobos as they were once called
i wonder what they're thinking
the street here is busier than usual
for a Sunday night
with some rumbling of loud trucks n cars
all of which seem to have something to prove
to people that, are mostly, unaware of them
or the boom boom from their stereos 
that they, seemingly, want you to hear
i can feel time ticking in the air
each second that passes
like when wind blows on your skin
my view is out of a window encased in
one of four walls that i am encased in
but no crown jewels here
nothing sacred or precious
nothing more than chewed bubble gum
but i digress
sometimes a neighborhood cats visits me
in passing, sometimes aware of my presence
and other times unaware
but i wish it well with a whisper in the air
there's a few cats that come by like that
but only the one that comes regularly
i sit with my mind and thoughts like rocks
rocks and stone formations that
with time, are carved into ways and shapes
carved by winds or by waters 
my mind carved
carved by words and punishments
by abuses and reactions and responses
my lines are cut deep
and again i digress
i watch and wonder as days go by 
like the minute hand on a clock
my reclusiveness seems to be
getting even more reclusive
with each rising and setting of the sun
my words also elude me as
i elude this world and society
like a ship at sea in the thickest of fogs
and nothing but the sound of the distant foghorn
to soothe the loneliness that hovers in the fog
i've watched seasons come and go
clouds form and then float away
i've watched the storms and rains come and go
i rarely ever see another person,
i only hear their sounds
i do miss seeing another persons eyes
and the pulses of emotions that lie within them
i miss seeing the steps they've took
that have led them into eternity's light
i sometimes will touch my own arm
to try to remember how a persons touch feels
and to try to remember what it is like to touch someone elses arm
i've watched leaves break off and fall to the ground
and then watched those leaves slowly decay
or wake up to see that the wind has carried a leaf away
i sit here alone typing words in the same fashion
a thought or emotion or feeling dropped here
like leaves from a tree 
leaves that get swept away into eventual nothingness
loneliness, well, let me think, i don't think i or
any of us actually knows what that means
what are words with no meaning?
what are lives with no love?
what are men or women with, seemingly, no purpose?
what is an injured animal that has crawled off to hide?
well, i feel sad these days
i feel deprived....of what exactly i've no idea
but am sure it is a deprivation of everything
but mostly a deprivation of socialization and of love
and as per custom, the shades of repetition that i paint
with my words and thoughts, don't vary much
they try to describe the view of my analytic eyes
i sometimes stop to listen for the sound of wind blowing
to know the world is still moving perhaps
yes, i still talk aloud to the television and to my cat
and i complain to no one as if someone 
is here to hear me and care
i can hear the sound of an airplane flying in the sky
can't help but to wonder who is on it and where they're going
what lives they live and what pains they've felt
i wonder if they have grieved loss as i have
i wonder if they're going on vacation to some beautiful magical land
the kind of places where dreams live
far far away from four walls with a window
and a lonely, defeated man who sits
watching life pass through glimpses out a window
watching life pass like the tears from his eyes
that are a constant flow
these days, i often times think, i don't deserve to
have the beauty of friendship or of love
the support of a friend or of a love
that, perhaps, i deserve the loneliness
that i deserve each and every pain that i've ever felt
i live, now, scared of it all, but i dream of doing
kind things for others
going out of my way to show kindness to this world
or spreading love and kindness that this world
so desperately needs
the fear remains from the last time 
from the last time i opened my heart wide
for a friend, for love, for companionship
and was only handed back remnants of my heart's contents
and so i rock back n forth in a chair and watch life pass by
and i feel the loneliness that is only written about in a few books
or in a blog of a middle aged man encased in the cold grasp
of isolation...the kind that eternity forgot
the kind that eternity forgot
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
but i digress
i can hear the bed calling my name
by the vibrations of my body
and the tiredness of my eyes and mind
as another midnight passes by 
another midnight passes me by
......oh 
           how lonely
                              i feel

1-11-2021 12:50am i weep

as usual scroll down
and click play if it is 
not auto-playing

years like leaves in twisted winds
eyes like shutters nailed shut
and the people dance in pools of hatreds
watchers like stars in night skies
and the empaths weep
i weep for this world
i weep for my sadness of my life
and i weep for the people of this world
i weep for the days when we all 
looked at one another with a smile and a nod
with a pleasant "how are you?" in passing
i weep for the days when beauty was everywhere
i weep for the children of this world
years like cemetery headstones
eyes like raging fires burning
the people at war with everything
and the empaths weep
i weep for who i once was
i weep for my missing heart
the flattened one, the target 
i weep for humanity
and when i weep, my tears are in vain
when i feel, i feel in vain
years pass in vain 
eyes open, yet don't see
the people fight each other in vain
and the empaths weep

i weep tears on shores of life
my tears are absent any care
my life is absent any care
i walk like a plastic bag in the wind
my countenance is of sheer defeat
i tried in vain
i loved in vain
i cared in vain
it's times like these that we all
could really learn from the
cat that plays in the grass
from the child and it's imagination
we could learn from love
we could learn that hatred only creates
more and even worse hatred
my life such as it is is already difficult to be in
and with the world losing it's grip on humanity
my future is looking more and more bleak
wind blows across burnt fields
the flowers withered and crumbling
the trees that once swayed seared to ash
and this little boy still plays
hoping for a green blade of grass
i don't feel anything but sadness these days
the days like train tunnels through mountains
my mind like a room filled with shouting people
my heart like mangled shreds of paper
sometimes when i cry from loneliness 
i think to myself, no one is even aware that im here
crying out almost 45 years worth of pain
that thought is such a whole different level of loneliness
people that live nearby that it wouldn't
even occur to them that there is a man
in agony and their dogs torture him further with their
incessant barking and the noise of their booming bass
from their cars poke and prod my mind like a hot poker
and the occasional passerby walking a dog
completely unaware of a lonely man weeping into eternity
or, when i do leave the house, the road rager angry at me for not
driving like a complete mad man
unaware of the sheer level of loneliness i'm in
and that those actions towards me make me feel even
further alienated from society and human interaction
if i could have any wish, it would be for the world to love again
and for beauty to come back to it again
nevermind my loneliness
i'm a thought in passing
a memory that will fade like light during sunset
it is sad to think that whenever my time comes
that i may just be alone when it comes
....that is yet another kind of loneliness
to die alone, with no love, no one to care
anyway, the girl cat is watching me type
her countenance is of peace and contentment
i wished there were strong enough and fitting words
that could properly and exactly describe how defeated i feel
im tired and my head rings
im an echo, aren't i?

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

12-26-2020 10:09 am

originally started this earlier today
but only just now finished it
as usual, for best results
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing

broken limbs crunch under foot steps
through wandering paths to infinity
broken dreams crack under each thought
under the weight of life's aches n pains
that get stacked up onto backs
one can only wonder if middle aged back pains 
come from this weight
as the damages take their tolls on minds and hearts
and the bluebird sings it's song
the child plays with not a care in the world
...their universe, untouched, is where real dreams are
and far far away we go, as age stacks up
and shoulders crack and collapse
and we put far too much on our plates
or in some cases far too little
all the while distracting our selves with
habits and behaviors and trinkets and gadgets
and social medias and mind altering chemicals
oh like water in rivers and vapor in winds
the flow don't stop as one dies and more are born
the consumption of a life into nothing
makes one really think how special life actually is
since there's a trillion and one of us all
and we all eventually are forgotten
well, they say it's about the journey
and not the beginning or the end
i always laugh a little when i see or hear that
and immediately the thought comes to my mind
some journeys are brutal and with sure
impending destruction
what about that journey ?
is it also about those journeys
the destroyed ones that have been dragged
through the dirt of the sewers
that have been repeatedly stomped on
whilst they were already down
when they were already defeated before
they were even old enough and strong enough to fight
i've fallen into a spiral of infinite thoughts 
thoughts and feelings whose fingers are icy cold
and they squeeze at my throat
i dance across frozen tears
frozen in time and space
and the sirens voice calls me from afar
from the spaces between loneliness and 
those dying dreams and aspirations i once held dear
my feet hurt and my head rings
i used to run and slide on the ices and frozen puddles
when i was a child, before the damage was dealt and 
before the hunters got their claws and arrows into me
before life grabbed me and wrung me like a dish rag
memories and dreams like leaves on autumn trees
happiness like a fleeting after thought
i even think i am beginning to forget what that even feels like
joy, elation, beauty....clouds are forming and enveloping those
am sure eventually they will become consumed
and i will no longer have a memory of such things
i drove down this road once in a very bad state of mind
i kept driving for a long while and it had gotten dark outside
at some point i was forced off the road and onto a side road
of which had no lights at all and only ended up forcing you to turn around
but before i turned around i saw that was obviously a spot where 
someone must have been living various trash and a make shift
bed and such, even some signs of which i couldn't read and 
i started to feel an uneasy feeling there so i didn't linger to see what
the signs actually said, they were hand written signs
i couldn't help but wonder who it was that had been there and why
i found myself driving for hours contemplating life and death
that day was my first real glimpse of this desperate darkness i speak of
i mean i had seen it was i was young, but i didn't quite have an understanding
the adult understanding of life and such
i felt it once when i had gotten lost while driving to visit a friend
and as far as i could see there was nothing at all
other than the highway i was on that was even remotely signs of humans
and even that highway i was on was a scarcely used one at that
i couldn't help but to suddenly feel overwhelmed 
and a sense of complete insignificance hit me and i got out
of the car and dropped to my knees for a few moments
it wasn't until i got back in the car that i noticed i had been crying
ive no idea why, i wasn't scared or anything and i had no reason to be sad
since i knew exactly how to go back to the road i got there from
maybe one day i'll go again for a drive to try to get lost again
until then i don't even know at all what i am doing anymore
and of course i also don't know where i'm going
other than nowhere
i felt like i was home once, when i was floating on clouds of beauty
and love was as tangible as water, and it was like nothing ever before
i felt normal for that short brief moment in time and in my life
i felt as the mountains, tall and strong and eternal
why did they have to throw me away like a wadded paper
why did they siphon life from me 
why did they syphon me out of me
nothing but this deflated busted and worn out balloon left
i often felt like that through my entire life
like chewed gum stuck under cafeteria tables
i feel tired and my head rings still
my words like grains of sand on the beach
what is one grain of sand to an entire beach and an ocean of it?
insignificant

øjeRum · The Dance

12-23-2020 10:00 pm

apparently i didn't hit publish
when i actually wrote this
as usual and for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already auto-playing
thanx for reading

the most excitement i've had in quite a long time
was going to the emergency room last night
due to chest pains and tightness in my chest
the most social interacting i've done in a while
the man who was claiming to have been shot in his leg,
walking with such erratic and limping steps
the only different between him and me, i thought
was the fact that i don't talk to myself aloud 
whenever i'm around others
he was, seemingly, having a full on conversation
about crack and eating his peanut butter crackers with himself
then he demanded a wheel chair from the nurses,
but then abandoned it within minutes of getting it
he made a big mess with the peanut butter crackers
pieces of them and crumbs all over the floor
in both places where he sat at
he became angry when the nurses came out to take him to
start the process and then told them to wait and come back to him
because he said he just got there and need time to sit for a minute
at some point a policeman had to come over to get him to cooperate 
or he was going to be asked to leave
his yelling incoherently and cursing i found comical
but out of respect i hid my chuckles
i couldn't help but wonder what his story was
where he came from and what got him to where he is today
so that he was yelling and cursing at those that were only trying to help him
the entire time i waited in that waiting room
was a struggle to fight back tears and emotions
i've been overwhelmed with them lately
any down time at all and the emotions and tears flow
and so once i sat down in that chair in the waiting room
the war begun
i'd quickly linger on things that distracted me
such as the ambient sounds of a hospital
the sounds of the x-ray machines
i would listen to peoples voices and the potential 
emotion behind their words while not focusing on what they
were saying, but just the sound of their voices
nurses laughing and enjoying conversations between tasks
it kind of made me sad though, considering my isolation
and my overwhelming loneliness
i miss conversations and laughing
the little connecting with others
the whole time i was at that hospital, i only spoke
with the nurses and doctors that tended to me
some of the female nurses that passed by or came to tend to me
smelled very nice and oh how it made me miss the company
of a woman their conversations, their thoughts and emotions
oh how i could soak it up like a dry sponge does with water
their eyes like crystals that sparkle with the sun's light
and don't get me started on their beauty and ways
the way they walk and move like a painting being painted
one can imagine in the days of old when men took 
their coats off and tossed them on the ground for the women to
walk on so as to not get their shoes or dresses tainted by puddles or mud
oh how i miss their skin, so delicate like flower petals
i miss their hugs and kisses and flirtations
i miss the warmth of their love
well, i couldn't hold it back after a certain point
and so there i sat in an emergency room waiting room
tears flowing like rivers
which, of course, caused concern for the nurses to which 
they had the counselor come check on me once i got into a room
and of course i dumped out my troubles on them
kind of sad, really, the whole thing
must have been quite the spectacle
middle aged long haired man sitting there weeping 
well, a strong cold front has blown through and the winds
are blowing persistently, gusting and shaking things 
no warm person to cuddle up with and to just be
the bed will be extra cold this night to warm up
oh how i do wished we could understand truly, the real reason 
we're all here on this planet, dying and crying, loving and holding
why the world is the way it is
why people are the way they are
and why things seem to be getting so far away from beauty now
such a strange situation to think about
we all die inevitably, and such short lives we live
oh how i wished i could understand it all
i really do think often about if i had never been born

there seems to be a comfort in that thought for some reason
it's strange to me as well because, quite obviously i was born
well, the girl cat is playing with some of her toys and things
and intermittently coming to me to be petted in between
the room is cold and i am tired
i only slept for around 2 and a half to 3 hours on monday night
and then no sleep last night due to being in the emergency room
for the duration of the night
so im hoping tonight i will sleep as soundly as i ever have
and i hope i dream dreams of elation and magic
even though i know that when i wake up
those dream will be the means to my sadness once again 

øjeRum · Your Voice Remained Under The Moonlight And Above The Rooftop Of This Abandoned Forest

12-16-2020 12:41 am

as usual
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
then read

my mind is blank,
absent some form of active thought
most thoughts rise like smoke in grey skies
the cold temperatures have arrived
laying down, at night, in an empty cold bed
a wait for my own body to slowly warm it
you see, it takes traveling to the moon alone
to gain an understanding
and learning to communicate with 
empty spaces and with silent things
the girl cat is currently eating
she still dreams in ways i can only wish for
it's like i'm walking on a small globe
constantly down a hill
struggling to keep my feet grounded
and shaking with each step i take
each step wants me to move faster and faster
.....that kind of gravity is the heaviest of all
all the while, i only want to lie down
on the ground and just gaze, endlessly, at the stars
oh, im tired....oh so very tired
an empty plate is just as heavy as a full plate
always nice to have a balance
but alas, i wouldn't know what balance even is
i see balance out there across the chasm of nothingness
a chasm of nothingness that has surrounded me
and marooned me on this small globe
and on the other side of the chasm
i can sometimes see beauty unimagined
small glimpses that seemingly torture me from afar,
jabbing and poking and prodding me to tears
perhaps similar to how a caged bird must feel 
the holidays are here which in turn means my birthday is near
it will be 45 years since i took my first breath of air
feels like so much longer than that
and often times i feel far far older than that as well
now days i often think of what is to come
feeling these emotions, thinking these thoughts
expressing them out to feel some relief
relief that someone might read it
and in their own mind, they might care
the future is so scary to me now
what happened to me?
did giving up drinking really put me here?
nah, i've just had time to feel and reel in
all the emotions i avoided while i did drink
it's all catching up to me i guess
perhaps if i ever finish my auto-biography
i should call it "How NOT to Live Life"
the weight of my life seems heavier than 
any stone or mountain or even planet
and my shoulders are crushed
with most all the bones broken
if only i had some drive left
if only i had a reason to push on...to fight on
instead i feel as a party balloon in the gutter
holes in it, ran over, dirty water soaked
unable to hold any air
sometimes i get tempted to answer the scam calls
on my phone, just to have someone to talk to
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
if only i had someone that cared
someone that really and truly cared
if only i could feel a hug
a real and true hug
how amazing it would feel
how humbling and warm it would feel
but my thinking of it right now
only makes me so incredibly sad
so insanely sad, that i'd rather stop thinking for right now
perhaps the magic of beautiful dreams will
massage my weak and frail mind whilst i sleep
i plead for a reprieve

øjeRum · Jorden Under Stille Vand

11-10-2020 21:02

as usual, scroll down 
and click play if it is not
already playing, then read.

i find it more and more difficult to watch movies
as the loneliness has grown beyond what i
could imagine or think up
watching movies reminds me of what i don't have
it reminds me of those dreams i thought i had forgotten
and they always bring up that sadness
left behind after a middle aged lifetime of heartache
and rejection and failure 
that empty remnants of what was once a heart
every time i think i'm floating away from it all
some dream or some thought comes out of nowhere
and blasts me back down to the ground
and these days movies do this every single time
so now, i have stopped watching them
not much left in the way of distractions
i can feel imagination slipping
harder to try to imagine things....to imagine beauty
harder to drift into day dreams of magical lands
with pleasant breezes...an air of refreshment
i feel as a fireplace mantle in an abandoned house
coated in layer upon layer of dust
nothing but dust covered ash in the fireplace underneath
and my thoughts are too in the same sort of dust covering
i can feel air withering like lianas in dead forests
thoughts crumbling like stale bread crusts
an exhale of dry warm air onto weakened heartbeats
a song sung out of tune with a scared and weakened voice
a whip of thorned words shreds the tear drops from
unseen eyes...eyes that watch like stars in night skies
i see arms stretched open calling me home
and a bottomless canyon between 
i ride an engine car alone
and what words without thorns do i find?
only my own words that circle around my head
only my own thoughts that have 
ten million miles within them
drifting like bleached, weathered wood 
beached onto shores of the infinite spaces 
the infinite spaces of nowhere
a wandering soul floating through the vastness of empty space
plagued with loneliness
well, it's a choice really.
either the loneliness, which has some solace
or the further destruction of the crumbled
shreds of what is left of my heart
oh if only i could find proper words that would justly
describe what this feels like to me
the loneliness of nothing
there is literally no one on this planet
that understand or feels this alienation that i feel
and that i have felt all 44 years of my life
times when people give strange reactions to words or 
thoughts that i say
and the times when i thought i was connecting
was, potentially, nothing more than illusion of thought
and all the times i've reached out for love, acceptance
for a hint of normalcy have been met with crushing blows
or to have been strung along like a pet on a leash
only hints or tastes of things 
and being outspoken and seeing things from a different 
perspective gets me even further alienated
i can feel my emotions and thoughts drifting towards
a desperate darkness...not a darkness like evil
but rather a darkness like the nothingness of empty, outer space
i find my emotions and sadness and loneliness have begun
to visit me almost daily now and my tears fall frequently
i fear the solace that i find in my isolation is slowly fading
and that the echos of my dying thoughts and dreams will be 
consumed into the eternity of nothingness
but perhaps then, there will be no more suffering on either level
neither here nor there
alas i think nature will just have to take it's course
i fear any actions that i might take would only be 
an exercise in futility
the methodology of futility
listen, i think can hear them in the far off distance
probably just mistaking the winds of my mind
for them calling out to me
those that may be reading this

øjeRum · Carrying All Of Her Poems The Moon Wanders Through The Fog