11-20-2024 23:40

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the cold has arrived with it's embrace

and darkness comes earlier and earlier each day

i sit with an empty mind and an empty heart

bound to a fate so very different than i'd ever desired
as time and age begins to take it's toll

to begin to deplete that which emotional and 
childhood damages did not 

i've looked forward to the overcast grey skies
and the brisk breezes that flow
driving with the windows down
feeling the chills touch through my hair
and on my skin a soothing comfort of sorts
a sort of reminder there are still things i can enjoy
albeit ever so subtle and miniscule

what is a dreamer without dreams?

what is a lover without love?

what is a middle aged man without a purpose?

left behind and tossed aside like old shoes
to cry out to an empty room
to reach out to no response
like feeling around in a pitch black room
hands extended out reaching, searching,
reaching and searching, feeling, grasping...
as i remain in a mostly isolated state
coming up on 6 years since i shut myself in
disconnected from it all
from the hunters and their arrows
from the constant persistence of rejection
from being not good enough, second best
disconnected from myself

and now that my kitties are dead and buried
i'm really alone and feel it like never before
the lianas of emptiness have crowded 

and have taken over my thoughts of late
and not just an ordinary emptiness
but a complete emptiness, like nothing
i've ever felt before, so empty in fact that
it's become an absence, a collapse

oh i long for companionship
i long for a beautiful woman's love
and her presence, her thoughts
to envelope me like a cloud
to lift me and carry me away to those 

oh so beautiful and soothing fields of green grasses
if only, if only, if only, i could be so lucky
if only i could be free of this life i live
if only for once i could have the things 

in life i've always wanted and dreamed of

i just want to be free

i don't know how much more i have in me

how much more will to persist....to exist

and as another midnight passes,

i sit watching the world, time pass by

quicker and quicker as each year ticks by

and i wonder how much longer i'll be left
behind, forgotten and left to watch the world

and time pass me by
for life itself to pass me by

9-5-2024 23:34

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it's funny now, when i allow myself to start thinking,
contemplating things, how i immediately think
is it really worth the energy to think about this?
yet other times, a simple thought creates a chasm
of thought and sometimes i get hit by those deepened
feelings or sensations that i used to get when i was a child
some kind of super deep sensation so difficult to explain
i used to describe it like a calling, like something was calling me
it's happened alot more often lately, very often
i can never put my finger on it though
and i cant help but get the feeling that that is on purpose
as if im not supposed to figure it out
but i also feel that if i can ever figure it out that life will align
into place and that all things will come into perfect view
ah well, just a pipe dream i suppose
ive been maintaining a constant occupied mind, no thinking
no wandering of thoughts or emotions to trickle
up until this evening that is, i, for whatever reason, 
randomly stopped and started thinking
not exactly sure why or what the thoughts were
i still rarely communicate with others
keeping a constant processing of procedure or habit
the girl cat died in her sleep about a month ago
which hit me pretty hard since she was my best friend
some would say she was my only friend
death is the strangest part of this existence
of which i can genuinely say that i HATE death
even though i accept it completely and totally
her left over food i decided to start putting some on the front porch
for a cat that randomly started hanging out 

in my front yard a day or two before the girl cat Chrissy died
so now ive been feeding it, i assume, as a way to cope
also, i was told a few days ago, an ex-girlfriend that i dated 
was killed in a car accident a week earlier
such a strange feeling when i read the message about her death
gave me a deep sadness, even though we dated some 7 or 8 years ago
if i guess right anyway, was still a heavy drinker then
and dates and order of things are blurred a bit
i'm sad she died and hopefully she didn't suffer or have pain
it made me think of our time together as a couple
some of the memories i have of her and us together
she was a nice woman, we didn't break up on bad terms
more like a mutual drifting apart of sorts
makes me think back on what it feels like to be desired
how it feels to be appreciated, to be loved
i do genuinely miss having that, the privilege of love
the presence of a woman
i miss giving my love, of doing things for and with a girlfriend
of hearing about her day, what her thoughts are
i miss feeling like i wished i could swim inside of her mind
and absorb her thoughts and feelings completely and totally
even just having a female friend, to hang out with
talk things over, watch the fields of grass or the waters of a lake or pond
i feel old these days, undesirable, left behind in the dust of life
i am cautious and weary of others, of their intentions
of getting chewed up and spit out again
im worn out and flattened 
i just want to be loved, desired, and appreciated
instead of used up, tossed aside and forgotten
and as another midnight passes by, 
i cant help but sit here and feel these emotions
of grief, of loneliness, of alienation
while dreaming of a life of love
a life so far off and distant that i can only see it in dreams
like an echo in a deep canyon
an echo

øjeRum · Sjette Segl

5-3-2024 23:33 it's been a while

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well now, it's been quite some time since i've written anything
these days my mind is a blank, my feelings, non existent
neither happy, nor sad, not even melancholy
because that would at least be feeling something
it's like the nothing came, but it hit my mind, my heart
and so, ive had a lack of words, a lack of things to say
a lack of emotions to pour out here in despair
i reverted back to avoiding people and conversations
but i still maintain sobriety
the past 2 days have been the first time ive felt a kind of sorrow
or sadness i think because i watched a movie that brought out
the feeling of being loved and cherished
so as much as i attempted to push it down it came up
and i wept for the first time in years
a strange feeling to weep and feel sad
ive become so very very used to feeling absolute nothing
so when this hit i was taken aback by it
i wished i could say i went and started seeing a counselor
but this is not the case, ive just put myself into places
that dont exist, into digital worlds and digital lives
of video game realities, being a hero or a provider
into stories of old and new, a hideaway of sorts
distracted away from loneliness or sadness or shame
the longing for love, for a home of my own
of things that are long too late for me now
like having a son or daughter......a wife
funny now im 48 years old and time has
begun to fly by so much faster than while i was still drinking
the years have just blazed by in an absolute blur
a single day is done almost as fast as it started these days
and i watch also as the world becomes more and more crazy
with each passing day, as each midnight comes and then goes
i can't help but notice how, even more so now than ever before,
people are so incredibly controlled and guided....led
led by external forces they are not even aware of
or if they're aware, they just disregard
our young people being used as weapons in a game no one wins
led to hate and division all whilst claiming love
pushed to specific positions like pieces on a chessboard
pushed into opinions and ways of thinking specifically 
designed to destroy, to defeat the individual
jumping on bandwagons and blindly following the (mis)leader
the world and society have been set ablaze and the people are
none the wiser, led by smart devices and social media 
and systems of control that twist the minds and starve it of love
pushing fear as a mainstay to maintain primitive thought
to cause emotional reactions instead of cognitive logic as reactions
overly emotional states maintained which in turn creates instability
i think back to the days before the internet was around
how so much more stable society was how less divided and logical
how incredibly obvious it all actually is 
and yet society is so incredibly blind to it 
and in some cases they've purposely turned a blind eye to it
married to ideologies and narratives, to agendas, to politics
there has never been a time in my life where ive felt more alienated
and separate from the world than i feel now
nearly impossible to relate to others now days
most my age are grand parents and live family lives
i on the other hand, have never been married and have no kids
the world is so incredibly strange now
as i watch it from afar, i cant help but feel a sadness
a sadness for us all, a sadness for the children of the world
for the birds and trees and those beautiful green meadows of tall grasses
and as another midnight passes by
i cant help but to be reunited with the sad emotions
brought on by a lack of love, by a world set on fire

6-24-2021 11:15pm

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inspiration....hmm
well, i don't find there's much in the world
today to inspire any form of thought or
thinking without being an echo
and i don't want to drone on
about the life of a middle aged lonely guy
out of touch with society
society such as it is today
and i don't want to drone on about the neighbor's
dog and it's noise of insanity that 
slices my mind and sanity with razor sharp
barks that echo in my mind loudly
and shakes my brain and heart and soul
so ill drone on about how it took me 
an hour to find a song to soothe my mind
....soothe my heart
a song to listen to and close my eyes
to feel for a moment and allow some thought
to enter my mind and for the emotion to begin
to well up in my mind like water in a glass
water that i'd rather drink down anyway
what words of mine are there?
what conjuration of contemplation of mine is there?
what part of me is still there trapped
between the yesterdays and tomorrows?
between the broken heart and the hope for 
what tomorrow might bring
trapped in the looped mind of fear
the circle of circles
it's harder and harder to see light
harder and harder to push forward
feels like being in a very long train tunnel 
through a mountain 
what do i do when inevitability kicks in?
pressure builds
it's harder and harder to write out what i feel
and how to say it
and i think it is harder and harder to believe
that anyone gives a damn anyway
sometimes i sit still for a moment 
and i try to feel my heart beating in my chest
sometimes it's easy to feel
since ive always had around a 104 heart rate
and the beats are sometimes strong
and of course i always acknowledge that
one day this old heart will stop beating
this old brain will stop thinking
this old soul and "heart" will stop aching
and will stop getting broken and smashed
that this old guy wont be around to 
feel the loneliness of an empty, abandoned house
with dust and dirt and cobwebs covering everything
wont be around to feel the rejection of ten thousand lives
all rolled up into one
strange thoughts for sure
i remember going to a house,
apparently they were mom and dads friends,
and they had peacocks there and a swimming pool
with thick green algea growing in it
and the water was dark with lots of leaves
they had this trailer outside with a lot of very long
florescent light bulb tubes in it
and they would pick one up and point it up at the
huge powerlines that went over it
and the light bulb tube would light up
was very interesting to me at that age
i don't remember it well, other than that
i wished my memory had not been effected such as it was
by life, by pills, by being born in a world
that i rarely ever related to or felt a part of
that only once or twice did i ever felt like i belonged to
how would i act if i decided to jump back into society?
what would i even begin to say to someone new?
would it be a mere gluttony of punishment and pain?
and at my age how could i start?
most people my age are married and have kids
how would i relate to them...those that made it?
and now that i do not drink at all, how would i go
about meeting these new people?
before the booze was the liquid courage
talk to anyone for any reason without a care
now  there's a slight terror in that
well, maybe not terror, but rather reluctancy to it
oh well, my thoughts are lit up here
but they rise like dark smoke in the middle of the night
barely seen by any and mostly going unnoticed
i don't really know how i feel either
do i even remember how to feel?
after 3 or so years of isolation
oh i will go to eat with my father to a restaurant
occasionally, but i keep my head down
looking at either the ground or the table
or glancing at my father
but i quickly go home thereafter
most of the time i don't feel comfortable going
but he really enjoys eating out but don't like 
going alone so i go anyway, even when i don't 
feel emotionally well or when i'd rather stay home
since he is in the golden years of life
i try to think of him and what he enjoys
i only wished i had lived a better life
for him and my mother
i wished i hadn't failed and made such a folly of my life
i feel such an incredible sense of shame because of that
no amount of showering or scrubbing
can wash that blood off of me
i can't think of it too much either
it is far far far too painful
and i'm already dangling by a thread as it is
trapped and tortured is putting it all lightly
sometimes i sit back and feel my inhales and exhales
i will close my eyes and think of how each breath
is a moment gone into the past
that will never be again
and of course i also think of one day these old lungs of mine
no longer inhaling and exhaling
oh how fast and short life is
how cruel it's ways of things are with 
the learning of lessons the hardest way 
and most of the time learning those lessons when it's too late
and the damage or damages are already done
i sit here as another midnight came and went
dazed with an overwhelming melancholy
inundating my brain and encapsulating my
ability to dream
it's funny that i said i wasn't going to drone on
about the life of a middle aged guy
and here i went back to that again
guess it's that swirl of thought in the headspace
suddenly i am overwhelmed with this thought:
i'm sorry mom and dad for being such a failure
and i'm sorry for all the troubles i ever caused you both
i'm sorry to anyone and everyone that i have ever hurt
both people i knew and those i may not have known
i only wished i could have done better in this life
the girl cat waits for me to pet her while i lay on the bed
waiting for unconsciousness to take over
another midnight came and went and i....
i sat here in the same way as the past 3 years or so
who am i really?
no one at all

5/1/2021 10:10pm - 5/21/2021 12:11am

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blood is splattered all over the flowers
the flowers in the fields of potential
they cry for the sky to rain down
showers of cleansing
to be free of the blood of shame
unable to move because their roots are deep
they can see the blades of true defeat
moving towards them
and they cry for the sky to rain down upon them
showers of cleansing, of a reprieve
i cry this night like many other nights
but this night i cry out of desperation
it rained here yesterday and a little today
the weather has been nice with the cool temperatures
grey overcast skies a comfort to weary eyes
i sit with weakened legs arms and head
i am running off of 2 hours sleep last night

that first bit was written at the time listed
but abruptly ended due to being totally 
overwhelmed by emotion
and ended up in me calling a crisis/ suicide
hotline thing and then it has sat in my drafts since
so instead of finishing ill just write what is
currently in mind

the neighbor's new dog drove me to craziness
today and had me outside yelling as loud as i could
possibly muster even louder than the dog
the dog woke me up early and had been
barking off and on the entire day
and my resistance to it broke
and sent me outside to yell and scream
like a mad man...well, i was mad
a build up from late night parties with booming bass or 
yelling and screaming like children even though
they're in adult bodies
a build up of dog barking
and of partially blocking my driveway
with trucks or trailers for about 5 years now
well, i wished that dreams were tangible
like picking a fruit off a tree branch or vine
i wished that for once in my life i could have
at least one wish come true and stay with me till i die
but that actually requires wishes or dreams
i don't have anymore of those these days
no aspirations, no other forms of 
disappointment
yeah, my mind has been absent of late
and my form is like spoiled milk
not so much the plastic bag in the wind anymore
cause at least with the plastic bag in the wind 
it has form and movement
movement and form
when i really think about movement and form
my lonely mind, of course, immediately thinks
of the beauty of the movements and forms of women
like the way the air curls around them as they move
and how i can see paths form and soften for their feet
as they saunter along doing day to day things
ah well, i miss my old life and friends
the random conversations and interactions
a small part of me does, sometimes, miss the drunken stupor
but ive no desire at all to drink ever again
i just miss being a human being
at this moment i'm a mere after thought
a reflection of mistakes and bad decisions
i miss hugs and handshakes and how are yous
i miss the eyes of others and the unspoken
emotions that pour out of them
i miss companionships and loyalty and trust
this life ive chosen now, i can tell with certainty
is a slow death as my health has begun to decline
sleep apnea, weight gain, chest pains from time to time
the strange sensations, physically, i feel in my head
and the tinnitus that goes along with that
i often feel bad or bad and strange upon waking in the morning
like something is terribly wrong with my body
and it now gives me a little anxiety when laying down to go to sleep
once i woke up in the middle of the night gasping
for air, im guessing, due to the sleep apnea, but i also felt
extremely nauseous and very strange, so much so
i had to get up out of bed and walk around the house a bit
was very unsettling and fairly scary as well
and with no health insurance, it's a waiting game i suppose
i'd love to change my life and my ways
but like most things far easier said than done
and even harder still without a support system
with help from people that care, from friends
and professional help, of which probably also requires
some kind of insurance that i don't have
i imagine going on long walks and talking with a friend or friends
i every so often think how can anyone love me when i don't love myself
and how can i love myself when no one else does?
i used to like myself, not narcissistically, but just the normal way
but after 45 years of constant struggles, broken hearts, betrayals,
and abuses i could only think of one common denominator
involved in all of that....me and i must be flawed beyond the typical
and so i became angry with myself and with the world
so of course i began to dislike myself
and when i think of how to turn it around again, it seems so far away
like the very faint distant sound of an echo in a deep canyon
i just wanna live again, i just want to be a normal human being
with friends and love and support, not tossed aside like worn out shoes
i miss living very much, i miss going to music shows
i just plain miss feeling like a normal human being
instead of a hermit that is just merely existing
existing between the monotony of routine and distractions
between the stresses of noisy neighbor dogs or boom bass stereos
that rattle pictures off the walls, or the same neighbor
partially blocking my driveway or the burning out
or the obvious after market exhausts that are also so loud
that pictures on the walls get rattled
oh well, i know i gotta do something soon
before my health gets beyond repair
hopefully i will sleep well, this night
as another midnight passes by

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

even my loneliness must feel lonely

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i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely

1-11-2021 12:50am i weep

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years like leaves in twisted winds
eyes like shutters nailed shut
and the people dance in pools of hatreds
watchers like stars in night skies
and the empaths weep
i weep for this world
i weep for my sadness of my life
and i weep for the people of this world
i weep for the days when we all 
looked at one another with a smile and a nod
with a pleasant "how are you?" in passing
i weep for the days when beauty was everywhere
i weep for the children of this world
years like cemetery headstones
eyes like raging fires burning
the people at war with everything
and the empaths weep
i weep for who i once was
i weep for my missing heart
the flattened one, the target 
i weep for humanity
and when i weep, my tears are in vain
when i feel, i feel in vain
years pass in vain 
eyes open, yet don't see
the people fight each other in vain
and the empaths weep

i weep tears on shores of life
my tears are absent any care
my life is absent any care
i walk like a plastic bag in the wind
my countenance is of sheer defeat
i tried in vain
i loved in vain
i cared in vain
it's times like these that we all
could really learn from the
cat that plays in the grass
from the child and it's imagination
we could learn from love
we could learn that hatred only creates
more and even worse hatred
my life such as it is is already difficult to be in
and with the world losing it's grip on humanity
my future is looking more and more bleak
wind blows across burnt fields
the flowers withered and crumbling
the trees that once swayed seared to ash
and this little boy still plays
hoping for a green blade of grass
i don't feel anything but sadness these days
the days like train tunnels through mountains
my mind like a room filled with shouting people
my heart like mangled shreds of paper
sometimes when i cry from loneliness 
i think to myself, no one is even aware that im here
crying out almost 45 years worth of pain
that thought is such a whole different level of loneliness
people that live nearby that it wouldn't
even occur to them that there is a man
in agony and their dogs torture him further with their
incessant barking and the noise of their booming bass
from their cars poke and prod my mind like a hot poker
and the occasional passerby walking a dog
completely unaware of a lonely man weeping into eternity
or, when i do leave the house, the road rager angry at me for not
driving like a complete mad man
unaware of the sheer level of loneliness i'm in
and that those actions towards me make me feel even
further alienated from society and human interaction
if i could have any wish, it would be for the world to love again
and for beauty to come back to it again
nevermind my loneliness
i'm a thought in passing
a memory that will fade like light during sunset
it is sad to think that whenever my time comes
that i may just be alone when it comes
....that is yet another kind of loneliness
to die alone, with no love, no one to care
anyway, the girl cat is watching me type
her countenance is of peace and contentment
i wished there were strong enough and fitting words
that could properly and exactly describe how defeated i feel
im tired and my head rings
im an echo, aren't i?

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers