a tortured venting

i wrote this a few days ago and
i was uncertain about posting it
for the obvious reason
but i figured what the hell
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torturous dreams last night
of love and cuddling and hugging
feeling wanted and desired
just to be woke up by the loud neighbor's dog
and living in a neighborhood that has become
the exact opposite of what it once was
used to be such a nice and quiet place
now a cacophony of car stereos and loud dogs
and after market exhausts and burning out
and the occasional gunshots
a dog with a bark like the sharpest axe
chopping my brain, my soul
chopping at the seams of my sanity
i was woken up early to that dreaded
sound of the neighbor's dog incessantly barking
i could feel each chop of it in my mind
each chop at my heart
i sit in here keeping to myself
never making a sound
thoughtful of others
even when i'm listening to music i keep it down
i'm courteous of all my neighbors even these
that show no care or respect for others
i'm  courteous even when i do rarely go places
i park in the back of parking lots to allow others
that might not be as able to get around
even when the parking lot is mostly empty
i make sure i'm parked straight and centered
so i'm not partially blocking the next spot
i wave people to go ahead of me
yet all the while, the world has made me
feel like a soccer ball kicked and prodded
i feel tortured and dangling by a thread
i feel trapped like my leg is in a bear trap
and let me not forget about the loneliness
and how im nothing more than a faint distant echo
fading into nothing
to make matters worse
last night before going to sleep
i was being prodded by thoughts of suicide
why couldn't i be like an asshole?
more like those people that don't care at all
about anyone or anything other then themselves
i feel like leaving this world all the time now
but i'm too much of a coward to do anything
so here i exist feeling trapped and tortured
and somewhere a mother has just given birth
to her first child
somewhere a child is playing in the sun's light
somewhere a couple has just been married
somewhere a person has survived cancer
somewhere lives someone that has always
gotten everything they've ever wanted
maybe one day the sounds of that dog barking
will chop my head off and it will roll off
into the clouds of nothingness
into the clouds of those forgotten by all

vv. · 1978*

7-13-2021 11:23pm

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was an average day today
i got out and mowed the lawn 
and cleaned out some stuff from the house
gonna be doing alot of that soon
haven't moved that much stuff around
and haven't done that much physical activity
in quiet a long time, so it's surprising that i didn't
get wore out, but in fact i feel fine,
even now at this time
mentally i'm wore out though
from the the inner battle inside
from seeing the world such as it is
from the deprivation of all things...from love
i 've been feeling fairly bad mentally lately
kind of scary a few times and so 
i actually reached out to someone i knew,
but my texts were unanswered
....that is a familiar kind of loneliness
almost called one of those crisis lines again
but figured what the hell do they care,
it's only their job to be on those phonelines
i'm just another file in a file cabinet so to speak
so i fell asleep thinking of the end of life
and tears streaming down my face
and as i mowed the lawn i had to fight the tears away
a woman going for a walk walked by and started
some friendly chatter
i was friendly to her and thought she was very
attractive, but i remained silent about that
and kept things cordial and she went on her way
i had stopped edging so she could pass by
and not possibly get hit by flying debris 
of course as i thought about that later 
in the day it made me sad 
sad because i so very much miss
the company of a woman
their conversations and the emotions in them
their feminine ways and perfumes
feeling loved, desired, embraced, and accepted
do you know beauty? the real beauty?

you know, the way her eyes squint when she laughs
the way her heart beats sound when your head is on her chest
the way she looks when she is sleeping and the peaceful look
on her face as she sleep

the movements of her hands when she talks
or the way she sits in a chair 
and yes, the perfection of her imperfections
but ahh, what the hell do i know?

just the mindless words of a lonely middle aged guy
although i'd like to think i know how to appreciate beauty
all the times ive practically paved roads for them and their love
the ones ive handed my heart to
it's not that i'm scared of getting hurt
it's more of the fact that i don't know if i can handle much more
since i'm already dangling from a thin thread, barely clinging on
i just wonder what will happen if i hand the final piece of my heart
to someone and then to have them destroy it as well

will i fade into the ether?

will i be able to remain sane?

will i jump from bridges or buildings into infinity?

will i be blasted into a state of catatonia?
well, i think i'd rather not see what would happen
a desperation builds inside
like icy cold hands on my shoulders
i just want to warm up, but it's impossible
it's just so hard to see anymore
since everything is so far away
like when you watch a plane flying at night
and you see it's light slowly fade to nothing
i used to watch planes and the stars all the time
but i don't do much of anything anymore

other than wither away
i must say it did feel nice to converse with that woman,
even if it were only a few small sentences
i tried my best to hide away my eyes though
i guess i do kind of fear eye contact these days
afraid someone will see in and know my pain
that my torturous struggle will be on display
like some days ago i had to go to the grocery store for a few items
and as i got cat litter, a woman came close to get litter as well
and we had idle chatter about cats,
but i did not make eye contact at all
i did see her coming down the isle and
yes she was very much attractive
or perhaps i'm such a lonely guy that
i'm seeing beauty everywhere since
i've been away from it for such a long time now

since ive been deprived of the presence of a woman
i think she must have thought i was crazy
as she turned and walked away
my dumb self almost started dumping words and emotions on her
some random attractive stranger
the tinnitus as been singing for the past few hours now
and my thoughts are swirling
and as another midnight passes by
i can only hope that if i dream tonight
i can be carried into fields of beauty
even though i know that once i wake up
they will make me sad
sad and lonely
a desperation seeps in

Dronarivm · Sven Laux And Daniela Orvin - Friends (from 'The Writings')

6-24-2021 11:15pm

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inspiration....hmm
well, i don't find there's much in the world
today to inspire any form of thought or
thinking without being an echo
and i don't want to drone on
about the life of a middle aged lonely guy
out of touch with society
society such as it is today
and i don't want to drone on about the neighbor's
dog and it's noise of insanity that 
slices my mind and sanity with razor sharp
barks that echo in my mind loudly
and shakes my brain and heart and soul
so ill drone on about how it took me 
an hour to find a song to soothe my mind
....soothe my heart
a song to listen to and close my eyes
to feel for a moment and allow some thought
to enter my mind and for the emotion to begin
to well up in my mind like water in a glass
water that i'd rather drink down anyway
what words of mine are there?
what conjuration of contemplation of mine is there?
what part of me is still there trapped
between the yesterdays and tomorrows?
between the broken heart and the hope for 
what tomorrow might bring
trapped in the looped mind of fear
the circle of circles
it's harder and harder to see light
harder and harder to push forward
feels like being in a very long train tunnel 
through a mountain 
what do i do when inevitability kicks in?
pressure builds
it's harder and harder to write out what i feel
and how to say it
and i think it is harder and harder to believe
that anyone gives a damn anyway
sometimes i sit still for a moment 
and i try to feel my heart beating in my chest
sometimes it's easy to feel
since ive always had around a 104 heart rate
and the beats are sometimes strong
and of course i always acknowledge that
one day this old heart will stop beating
this old brain will stop thinking
this old soul and "heart" will stop aching
and will stop getting broken and smashed
that this old guy wont be around to 
feel the loneliness of an empty, abandoned house
with dust and dirt and cobwebs covering everything
wont be around to feel the rejection of ten thousand lives
all rolled up into one
strange thoughts for sure
i remember going to a house,
apparently they were mom and dads friends,
and they had peacocks there and a swimming pool
with thick green algea growing in it
and the water was dark with lots of leaves
they had this trailer outside with a lot of very long
florescent light bulb tubes in it
and they would pick one up and point it up at the
huge powerlines that went over it
and the light bulb tube would light up
was very interesting to me at that age
i don't remember it well, other than that
i wished my memory had not been effected such as it was
by life, by pills, by being born in a world
that i rarely ever related to or felt a part of
that only once or twice did i ever felt like i belonged to
how would i act if i decided to jump back into society?
what would i even begin to say to someone new?
would it be a mere gluttony of punishment and pain?
and at my age how could i start?
most people my age are married and have kids
how would i relate to them...those that made it?
and now that i do not drink at all, how would i go
about meeting these new people?
before the booze was the liquid courage
talk to anyone for any reason without a care
now  there's a slight terror in that
well, maybe not terror, but rather reluctancy to it
oh well, my thoughts are lit up here
but they rise like dark smoke in the middle of the night
barely seen by any and mostly going unnoticed
i don't really know how i feel either
do i even remember how to feel?
after 3 or so years of isolation
oh i will go to eat with my father to a restaurant
occasionally, but i keep my head down
looking at either the ground or the table
or glancing at my father
but i quickly go home thereafter
most of the time i don't feel comfortable going
but he really enjoys eating out but don't like 
going alone so i go anyway, even when i don't 
feel emotionally well or when i'd rather stay home
since he is in the golden years of life
i try to think of him and what he enjoys
i only wished i had lived a better life
for him and my mother
i wished i hadn't failed and made such a folly of my life
i feel such an incredible sense of shame because of that
no amount of showering or scrubbing
can wash that blood off of me
i can't think of it too much either
it is far far far too painful
and i'm already dangling by a thread as it is
trapped and tortured is putting it all lightly
sometimes i sit back and feel my inhales and exhales
i will close my eyes and think of how each breath
is a moment gone into the past
that will never be again
and of course i also think of one day these old lungs of mine
no longer inhaling and exhaling
oh how fast and short life is
how cruel it's ways of things are with 
the learning of lessons the hardest way 
and most of the time learning those lessons when it's too late
and the damage or damages are already done
i sit here as another midnight came and went
dazed with an overwhelming melancholy
inundating my brain and encapsulating my
ability to dream
it's funny that i said i wasn't going to drone on
about the life of a middle aged guy
and here i went back to that again
guess it's that swirl of thought in the headspace
suddenly i am overwhelmed with this thought:
i'm sorry mom and dad for being such a failure
and i'm sorry for all the troubles i ever caused you both
i'm sorry to anyone and everyone that i have ever hurt
both people i knew and those i may not have known
i only wished i could have done better in this life
the girl cat waits for me to pet her while i lay on the bed
waiting for unconsciousness to take over
another midnight came and went and i....
i sat here in the same way as the past 3 years or so
who am i really?
no one at all

even my loneliness must feel lonely

 as usual for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing
thanks for reading

i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely