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was an average day today
i got out and mowed the lawn
and cleaned out some stuff from the house
gonna be doing alot of that soon
haven't moved that much stuff around
and haven't done that much physical activity
in quiet a long time, so it's surprising that i didn't
get wore out, but in fact i feel fine,
even now at this time
mentally i'm wore out though
from the the inner battle inside
from seeing the world such as it is
from the deprivation of all things...from love
i 've been feeling fairly bad mentally lately
kind of scary a few times and so
i actually reached out to someone i knew,
but my texts were unanswered
....that is a familiar kind of loneliness
almost called one of those crisis lines again
but figured what the hell do they care,
it's only their job to be on those phonelines
i'm just another file in a file cabinet so to speak
so i fell asleep thinking of the end of life
and tears streaming down my face
and as i mowed the lawn i had to fight the tears away
a woman going for a walk walked by and started
some friendly chatter
i was friendly to her and thought she was very
attractive, but i remained silent about that
and kept things cordial and she went on her way
i had stopped edging so she could pass by
and not possibly get hit by flying debris
of course as i thought about that later
in the day it made me sad
sad because i so very much miss
the company of a woman
their conversations and the emotions in them
their feminine ways and perfumes
feeling loved, desired, embraced, and accepted
do you know beauty? the real beauty?
i got out and mowed the lawn
and cleaned out some stuff from the house
gonna be doing alot of that soon
haven't moved that much stuff around
and haven't done that much physical activity
in quiet a long time, so it's surprising that i didn't
get wore out, but in fact i feel fine,
even now at this time
mentally i'm wore out though
from the the inner battle inside
from seeing the world such as it is
from the deprivation of all things...from love
i 've been feeling fairly bad mentally lately
kind of scary a few times and so
i actually reached out to someone i knew,
but my texts were unanswered
....that is a familiar kind of loneliness
almost called one of those crisis lines again
but figured what the hell do they care,
it's only their job to be on those phonelines
i'm just another file in a file cabinet so to speak
so i fell asleep thinking of the end of life
and tears streaming down my face
and as i mowed the lawn i had to fight the tears away
a woman going for a walk walked by and started
some friendly chatter
i was friendly to her and thought she was very
attractive, but i remained silent about that
and kept things cordial and she went on her way
i had stopped edging so she could pass by
and not possibly get hit by flying debris
of course as i thought about that later
in the day it made me sad
sad because i so very much miss
the company of a woman
their conversations and the emotions in them
their feminine ways and perfumes
feeling loved, desired, embraced, and accepted
do you know beauty? the real beauty?
you know, the way her eyes squint when she laughs
the way her heart beats sound when your head is on her chest
the way she looks when she is sleeping and the peaceful look
on her face as she sleep
the way her heart beats sound when your head is on her chest
the way she looks when she is sleeping and the peaceful look
on her face as she sleep
the movements of her hands when she talks
or the way she sits in a chair
and yes, the perfection of her imperfections
but ahh, what the hell do i know?
or the way she sits in a chair
and yes, the perfection of her imperfections
but ahh, what the hell do i know?
just the mindless words of a lonely middle aged guy
although i'd like to think i know how to appreciate beauty
all the times ive practically paved roads for them and their love
the ones ive handed my heart to
it's not that i'm scared of getting hurt
it's more of the fact that i don't know if i can handle much more
since i'm already dangling from a thin thread, barely clinging on
i just wonder what will happen if i hand the final piece of my heart
to someone and then to have them destroy it as well
although i'd like to think i know how to appreciate beauty
all the times ive practically paved roads for them and their love
the ones ive handed my heart to
it's not that i'm scared of getting hurt
it's more of the fact that i don't know if i can handle much more
since i'm already dangling from a thin thread, barely clinging on
i just wonder what will happen if i hand the final piece of my heart
to someone and then to have them destroy it as well
will i fade into the ether?
will i be able to remain sane?
will i jump from bridges or buildings into infinity?
will i be blasted into a state of catatonia?
well, i think i'd rather not see what would happen
a desperation builds inside
like icy cold hands on my shoulders
i just want to warm up, but it's impossible
it's just so hard to see anymore
since everything is so far away
like when you watch a plane flying at night
and you see it's light slowly fade to nothing
i used to watch planes and the stars all the time
but i don't do much of anything anymore
well, i think i'd rather not see what would happen
a desperation builds inside
like icy cold hands on my shoulders
i just want to warm up, but it's impossible
it's just so hard to see anymore
since everything is so far away
like when you watch a plane flying at night
and you see it's light slowly fade to nothing
i used to watch planes and the stars all the time
but i don't do much of anything anymore
other than wither away
i must say it did feel nice to converse with that woman,
even if it were only a few small sentences
i tried my best to hide away my eyes though
i guess i do kind of fear eye contact these days
afraid someone will see in and know my pain
that my torturous struggle will be on display
like some days ago i had to go to the grocery store for a few items
and as i got cat litter, a woman came close to get litter as well
and we had idle chatter about cats,
but i did not make eye contact at all
i did see her coming down the isle and
yes she was very much attractive
or perhaps i'm such a lonely guy that
i'm seeing beauty everywhere since
i've been away from it for such a long time now
i must say it did feel nice to converse with that woman,
even if it were only a few small sentences
i tried my best to hide away my eyes though
i guess i do kind of fear eye contact these days
afraid someone will see in and know my pain
that my torturous struggle will be on display
like some days ago i had to go to the grocery store for a few items
and as i got cat litter, a woman came close to get litter as well
and we had idle chatter about cats,
but i did not make eye contact at all
i did see her coming down the isle and
yes she was very much attractive
or perhaps i'm such a lonely guy that
i'm seeing beauty everywhere since
i've been away from it for such a long time now
since ive been deprived of the presence of a woman
i think she must have thought i was crazy
as she turned and walked away
my dumb self almost started dumping words and emotions on her
some random attractive stranger
the tinnitus as been singing for the past few hours now
and my thoughts are swirling
and as another midnight passes by
i can only hope that if i dream tonight
i can be carried into fields of beauty
even though i know that once i wake up
they will make me sad
sad and lonely
a desperation seeps in
i think she must have thought i was crazy
as she turned and walked away
my dumb self almost started dumping words and emotions on her
some random attractive stranger
the tinnitus as been singing for the past few hours now
and my thoughts are swirling
and as another midnight passes by
i can only hope that if i dream tonight
i can be carried into fields of beauty
even though i know that once i wake up
they will make me sad
sad and lonely
a desperation seeps in
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