11-20-2024 23:40

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the cold has arrived with it's embrace

and darkness comes earlier and earlier each day

i sit with an empty mind and an empty heart

bound to a fate so very different than i'd ever desired
as time and age begins to take it's toll

to begin to deplete that which emotional and 
childhood damages did not 

i've looked forward to the overcast grey skies
and the brisk breezes that flow
driving with the windows down
feeling the chills touch through my hair
and on my skin a soothing comfort of sorts
a sort of reminder there are still things i can enjoy
albeit ever so subtle and miniscule

what is a dreamer without dreams?

what is a lover without love?

what is a middle aged man without a purpose?

left behind and tossed aside like old shoes
to cry out to an empty room
to reach out to no response
like feeling around in a pitch black room
hands extended out reaching, searching,
reaching and searching, feeling, grasping...
as i remain in a mostly isolated state
coming up on 6 years since i shut myself in
disconnected from it all
from the hunters and their arrows
from the constant persistence of rejection
from being not good enough, second best
disconnected from myself

and now that my kitties are dead and buried
i'm really alone and feel it like never before
the lianas of emptiness have crowded 

and have taken over my thoughts of late
and not just an ordinary emptiness
but a complete emptiness, like nothing
i've ever felt before, so empty in fact that
it's become an absence, a collapse

oh i long for companionship
i long for a beautiful woman's love
and her presence, her thoughts
to envelope me like a cloud
to lift me and carry me away to those 

oh so beautiful and soothing fields of green grasses
if only, if only, if only, i could be so lucky
if only i could be free of this life i live
if only for once i could have the things 

in life i've always wanted and dreamed of

i just want to be free

i don't know how much more i have in me

how much more will to persist....to exist

and as another midnight passes,

i sit watching the world, time pass by

quicker and quicker as each year ticks by

and i wonder how much longer i'll be left
behind, forgotten and left to watch the world

and time pass me by
for life itself to pass me by

9-17-2021 11:45pm

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i close my eyes to see the sky
something like a memory from Sunset (a city)
or perhaps how i try to imagine it to be
i used to look at the sky every night
especially after a night of drinking 
always felt as if i am on the edge
of touching on something important 
so sometimes i'd stare at the sky
for a long while getting lost in it
lost in thought
i think if i went and looked at the sky now
i'd imagine each twinkle or bright star
as a single thought, or one soul
perhaps i could reach up and touch one
or just make eye contact 
perhaps i'd imagine each twinkle as 
a memory of days past
like when i was a child in elementary school
was a snowed and iced day and the sloped
ground outside of one of the fifth grade classrooms
was frozen with ice and we were running
and sliding down it on our feet to see 
who could make it the furthest
i close my eyes to see the wind blowing
something like a feeling of calmness
soothing ripples in fields of grasses green
and trees waving for me to come
and envelop myself in such a comfort
a local tv station here used to have a
station id video that played that would
show a scene of high grasses flowing in the wind
and some kind of structure of which i can't 
remember, but i remember getting that deep feeling
i've spoken about here before
a creative block has hit lately
so i've not had much to say
no formulations of articulation to toss out here
even in spite of all the insanity going on in the world
i can only think of those fields of flowing grasses
those stars in the night sky
those memories that tap my mind
like a hand tapping my shoulder
i can't help but to feel that i miss those times dearly
those late night moments of solace
solace after drinking and sitting somewhere
just staring at the night sky
i can not say what the connection was
except for the fact that it was some of the few times
in my life that i've felt comforted or connected to something
other than when i've felt loved of course
i say something because ive no idea what the connection
was or is only that i felt i was connecting to something
and as another midnight passes i sit thinking
trying to figure it all out as the world goes crazy
i sit wondering if i will ever find those fields
of grass waving in the wind
that will embrace me with a hug 

Night Note · NLS - 2021 - 09 - 13

8-21-2021 11:23pm

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i originally wrote this 
at the time listed
but was unsure about  it
decided to post it anyway
thanks for your attention

i'm a whisper away from lightening strikes
and i'm a thousand miles from any voice
i fly like leaves in fall's breeze
but only when the tears stop
there's a feather flipping and floating 
in the earth's breath, carefree
and there's souls pleading for mercy 
pleading for humanity, for someone to care
i tip toe through thoughts that make
what's left of my heart melt and break
i rest on tear soaked pillows
and i dream of a life never lived

i dove from the plane of emotions
soaring through the air of broken dreams
to crash and burn in the real world

watching the world burn,
both literally and figuratively
weighs heavy on my shoulders
people discarded like empty bottles
this time in isolation now almost seems
as if my mind has been sharpened like a knife
my heart almost feels as if it is beginning to rise
this fire that burns inside grows
and my desire has begun to poke through
through those darkened clouds of melancholy
feels like there's just some things i must see to
to get things in order before whatever is to come
there's most definitely something in the air
across this entire planet
it seems to me, it has become quite
impossible not to acknowledge
if one is living with their eyes open,
and they are looking ahead 
i really hope that humanity can rise together
to overcome the evil that runs rampant all over
that we can all look at  each other with
love, compassion, and understanding

well, i don't know what will happen
i don't even know where i'll end up
i don't even have a plan, but 
i do have a will
and as the old saying goes
where there's a will, there's a way
and as another midnight passes
i hope to rest easy with the potentials
of what could be on my mind

i feel a positivity growing

Last Days · Fading Shore

something to think about

something i found that lines up
with my thoughts on things
ive written similar thoughts before
check it out