well, it's been a while
im mostly dried up these days, with nothing to say
with only things to feel of the negative sort
so i bury them down and remain positive
i watch the seasons come and go
the cold, the warm, the hot, the cool, and the cold again
is it wrong for me to constantly think
about what will happen tomorrow?
life is so incredibly strange but beautiful
times changing worlds colliding
and i just watch from the side, waiting
waiting to see what happens tomorrow
maybe im a fool, a doltish one
or maybe my heart knows better than anything
knows better than even my own mind
maybe it sees better than my eyes see
my heart...my heart, oh god the pain though
the pain of a thousand lifetimes
and in a thousand different ways
the tears that have come from my eyes from the pain
could probably fill up countless swimming pools
the tears that come even now today as i type this out
just a simple release, a way of letting those tears fall
it's a crazy world we're in, a crazy time as well
a buildup, a building up to a point, so it seems to me
so i just watch, once again, watching to see what happens tomorrow
well, i feel ok, i guess, pretty much the same old thing
the neighbors are still noisy, no sign of the wasps anymore
perhaps they too wanted to get away from the noisiness
the girl cat sits next to me looking up at me
with eager attention and anticipation
the boy cat sleeps on my bed dreaming
i wonder
i dream
i want to see what happens tomorrow
Monday, May 8, 2017
Thursday, January 12, 2017
1-12-17
well, it's the new year now, the holidays in recession
my birthday nears in a few weeks, nothing new there
another day, another year older, closer to the unknown
and so my mind is still the same, not much moving
around in there these days, spit out a few new "pieces"
of digital art, but those are as simple to create as eating pizza
today was a hard day, harder than usual,
the weight of a thousand thoughts piled on my mind
a thousand thoughts of a thousand lifetimes
been physically sick for the past few days
some kind of flu/upper respiratory infection type thing
there were two days of not being able to move much at all
didn;t eat for nearly 48 hours, but did drink a little
and still became very dehydrated with the chapped/cracking lips
body feeling ok now, but head and lungs still funky
the cough is brutal at times as well with the headaches and such
that and this state of mind and we're talking a real party here
well, the cats are up to their usual of this hour.
in the back room sleeping in ways we only dream of
my wings were clipped shortly after i was born
my body has only ever flown high up in the sky
when i had true, romantic, unconditional love
and ive only ever had that once.
and now i dream, i dream a dream eternally
my birthday nears in a few weeks, nothing new there
another day, another year older, closer to the unknown
and so my mind is still the same, not much moving
around in there these days, spit out a few new "pieces"
of digital art, but those are as simple to create as eating pizza
today was a hard day, harder than usual,
the weight of a thousand thoughts piled on my mind
a thousand thoughts of a thousand lifetimes
been physically sick for the past few days
some kind of flu/upper respiratory infection type thing
there were two days of not being able to move much at all
didn;t eat for nearly 48 hours, but did drink a little
and still became very dehydrated with the chapped/cracking lips
body feeling ok now, but head and lungs still funky
the cough is brutal at times as well with the headaches and such
that and this state of mind and we're talking a real party here
well, the cats are up to their usual of this hour.
in the back room sleeping in ways we only dream of
my wings were clipped shortly after i was born
my body has only ever flown high up in the sky
when i had true, romantic, unconditional love
and ive only ever had that once.
and now i dream, i dream a dream eternally
some days
some days, i feel the pain of a thousand years
a thousand years of heartache, heartbreak, and loss
and oh do my eyes ache...ache so loudly
some days, i feel the hopelessness of the orphaned child
the orphaned child that cries in the moonlit night
waiting, hoping for the bliss of adoption
some days, i feel the defeat of a conquered city
buildings crumbing and in ruins
smoldering pillars of smokes rising into the sky
some days, i feel the abandonment a that a pet
that was left behind in some random parking lot to fend for itself
a desperate clinging to any and all that come along
to get beat down or taken for granted
some days, i feel the pain
some days, i feel the hopelessness
some days, i feel the defeat
some days, i feel the abandonment
today, is one of those days
insomnia driven writing....well sadness and insomnia
a thousand years of heartache, heartbreak, and loss
and oh do my eyes ache...ache so loudly
some days, i feel the hopelessness of the orphaned child
the orphaned child that cries in the moonlit night
waiting, hoping for the bliss of adoption
some days, i feel the defeat of a conquered city
buildings crumbing and in ruins
smoldering pillars of smokes rising into the sky
some days, i feel the abandonment a that a pet
that was left behind in some random parking lot to fend for itself
a desperate clinging to any and all that come along
to get beat down or taken for granted
some days, i feel the pain
some days, i feel the hopelessness
some days, i feel the defeat
some days, i feel the abandonment
today, is one of those days
insomnia driven writing....well sadness and insomnia
Tuesday, December 13, 2016
12-13-2016
hmmm, let me see now
insomnia and heart ache, isn't that how it usually goes?
and what about the melancholy and sad feelings
the feeling now is like the loyal dog that is kicked in it's
ass on a daily basis, or the loyal dog that is purposely left
behind at a parking lot or landfill, wandering, meandering
the cobwebs still build in the old headspace brainways.
a withering flower, a dried lake bed, a forest burnt to the ground
the heart is a boxer's punching bag, a target of their guns,
their bows and arrows, a vein to pull blood from, to pull my soul from
and oh boy do they ever, precision skilled shots, pinpoint accuracy.
syphoning out of me my essence, my life. damn it
what the hell is going on? who the fuck am i anymore?
what is left of me now? now that the vultures have picked my bones
in the corner a small man sings, his song hovers in the air
the subway is busy now, the crowds are restless
they stand in lines, in forms and groups of disarray
the thoughts of the people, if heard, would be deafening
a roar as loud as the engines of airliner jets
and then there's me, a trickling of thoughts,
blood oozing from a wound, the emotions seeping
out through the tears from my eyes
watching the crowds go by, go in and out of the subway trains
coming and going, there's only one train car im waiting for
and oh is my wait like an eternity, long and painful
slower than slow, i can only hope im still alive when that train arrives
well hell....i feel strange, that's all, just strange
the girl cats lays on a plastic bag, of which she's been playing with
for the past 30 minutes and as for the boy cat, he's probably sleeping
in a backroom somewhere, dreaming away
well, the new neighbors can sometimes be the noisy types
with the loud music, and banging and clanging
life is strange as hell, confusing, annoying, it's like static cling
i dont understand it, i cant relate to it, i think i think too much
i sometimes wonder what it would be like in this world if
we were given a choice of being born or not
i wonder how different this world would be,
how different history would be, if there would even be anything.
i sometimes find myself, while driving, trying to imagine what
the other drivers have been through, what their lives might be like
even while walking or just sitting, ill imagine these things
kind of dumb i suppose, or is it? i dont know. why do i think so much?
well, yes, the pain is still here, the tears still often flow from my eyes
even in my middle age. why'd you leave me behind like this?
im still dreaming, still holding on, still jumping through hoops
bending over backwards and then some
one day......one day......the sun will shine brightly on my
darkened shores once more and the birds will sing
i push on into eternity
insomnia and heart ache, isn't that how it usually goes?
and what about the melancholy and sad feelings
the feeling now is like the loyal dog that is kicked in it's
ass on a daily basis, or the loyal dog that is purposely left
behind at a parking lot or landfill, wandering, meandering
the cobwebs still build in the old headspace brainways.
a withering flower, a dried lake bed, a forest burnt to the ground
the heart is a boxer's punching bag, a target of their guns,
their bows and arrows, a vein to pull blood from, to pull my soul from
and oh boy do they ever, precision skilled shots, pinpoint accuracy.
syphoning out of me my essence, my life. damn it
what the hell is going on? who the fuck am i anymore?
what is left of me now? now that the vultures have picked my bones
in the corner a small man sings, his song hovers in the air
the subway is busy now, the crowds are restless
they stand in lines, in forms and groups of disarray
the thoughts of the people, if heard, would be deafening
a roar as loud as the engines of airliner jets
and then there's me, a trickling of thoughts,
blood oozing from a wound, the emotions seeping
out through the tears from my eyes
watching the crowds go by, go in and out of the subway trains
coming and going, there's only one train car im waiting for
and oh is my wait like an eternity, long and painful
slower than slow, i can only hope im still alive when that train arrives
well hell....i feel strange, that's all, just strange
the girl cats lays on a plastic bag, of which she's been playing with
for the past 30 minutes and as for the boy cat, he's probably sleeping
in a backroom somewhere, dreaming away
well, the new neighbors can sometimes be the noisy types
with the loud music, and banging and clanging
life is strange as hell, confusing, annoying, it's like static cling
i dont understand it, i cant relate to it, i think i think too much
i sometimes wonder what it would be like in this world if
we were given a choice of being born or not
i wonder how different this world would be,
how different history would be, if there would even be anything.
i sometimes find myself, while driving, trying to imagine what
the other drivers have been through, what their lives might be like
even while walking or just sitting, ill imagine these things
kind of dumb i suppose, or is it? i dont know. why do i think so much?
well, yes, the pain is still here, the tears still often flow from my eyes
even in my middle age. why'd you leave me behind like this?
im still dreaming, still holding on, still jumping through hoops
bending over backwards and then some
one day......one day......the sun will shine brightly on my
darkened shores once more and the birds will sing
i push on into eternity
Sunday, October 30, 2016
a drunken rambling
We're not taught about the reality of life. The crashing and burning, the pillaging and plundering. a rage of a dying thought clinging and lingering, holding on for dear life. It's all just a rat race no one wins. In the end we all die, we all die. A head on collision, a stick of dynamite in a quarry, a child being born, but I'm not like them, I am a drunken ballet circus side show that no one goes to, vodka flavored and in and out. Barely there and yet in full color. Emptied, disembodied, lobotomized, in full swing and on my face on the ground. A tired middle aged man with no place to call home, no woman of my own, no one to call me their own.
this was written on 10-11-2015
i was drunk and emotional
i kept it as a draft and
only just now deciding to post it
Sunday, October 9, 2016
10-09-16
1:08am
and so i sit here in the reality of today....this time, this way
i think about things, the way it all is, my life, life in general
it seems life is a preparation for inevitability
a preparation for things that none of us are ever ready for
all of life's realities....
well, my father is 70 years old now....70 years old
jesus, when i say those words it feels so strange, so scarey
i remember the days from being a kid and my father and mother
being around my age and my grandparents were in their 70's
now the roles have changed, with my mother and father being
in the "golden years" and i, childless, wifeless, and no family
of my own, am forced into this reality because ive been in line
for a long time now....succession
i see my father, now frail and old, and the fear creeps in
like a morning fog, creeping onto the roads and streets
fear especially because of his illnesses and age combined
this fear i face alone, no shoulder to lean on or cry on
facing this battle alone is quite unnerving, quite lonely
oh i long for my best friend, my world, my love to come
and of course the longer i think on this, the tears well up
those rivers of sadness, those streams of an aching heart
those plethoras of emotions and feelings
well, the summer is gone now, with the fall season
coming into play with the cooler temps and sun setting
earlier and earlier...daylight slipping away
i love this time of year, if only the temps stayed in the
70s and skies were overcast
i feel ok, i guess, the sadness remains though
the lonely heart, and sad realities of growing old and older
im still waiting to see what happens tomorrow
sometimes i figure ill wake up and ill be at the front of the line
instead of in the middle of it...waiting for that fall into the grave
into the memory that will eventually fade away...into a non existence
by then the lonely heart wont matter anymore,
the drive of life will have been gone for a while
the waiting to see what happens tomorrow will also have been gone
ill be the frail old man...riddled with age and illness and a broken heart
anyway, the cats are up to their usual ways of the easy life
the girl cats plays inside of a paper shopping bag with a toy
and the boy cat sleeps in the back room somewhere
the house next door has new neighbors living in it
only the memory of the old lady who once lived there remains
the wasps still come and go as they please
and im still waiting to see what happens tomorrow
im hoping for the eternal bliss of dreams come true
im still jumping through hoops, just like you
into an oceanless blue, into the dreams of infinite beauty and elation
i dream on
and so i sit here in the reality of today....this time, this way
i think about things, the way it all is, my life, life in general
it seems life is a preparation for inevitability
a preparation for things that none of us are ever ready for
all of life's realities....
well, my father is 70 years old now....70 years old
jesus, when i say those words it feels so strange, so scarey
i remember the days from being a kid and my father and mother
being around my age and my grandparents were in their 70's
now the roles have changed, with my mother and father being
in the "golden years" and i, childless, wifeless, and no family
of my own, am forced into this reality because ive been in line
for a long time now....succession
i see my father, now frail and old, and the fear creeps in
like a morning fog, creeping onto the roads and streets
fear especially because of his illnesses and age combined
this fear i face alone, no shoulder to lean on or cry on
facing this battle alone is quite unnerving, quite lonely
oh i long for my best friend, my world, my love to come
and of course the longer i think on this, the tears well up
those rivers of sadness, those streams of an aching heart
those plethoras of emotions and feelings
well, the summer is gone now, with the fall season
coming into play with the cooler temps and sun setting
earlier and earlier...daylight slipping away
i love this time of year, if only the temps stayed in the
70s and skies were overcast
i feel ok, i guess, the sadness remains though
the lonely heart, and sad realities of growing old and older
im still waiting to see what happens tomorrow
sometimes i figure ill wake up and ill be at the front of the line
instead of in the middle of it...waiting for that fall into the grave
into the memory that will eventually fade away...into a non existence
by then the lonely heart wont matter anymore,
the drive of life will have been gone for a while
the waiting to see what happens tomorrow will also have been gone
ill be the frail old man...riddled with age and illness and a broken heart
anyway, the cats are up to their usual ways of the easy life
the girl cats plays inside of a paper shopping bag with a toy
and the boy cat sleeps in the back room somewhere
the house next door has new neighbors living in it
only the memory of the old lady who once lived there remains
the wasps still come and go as they please
and im still waiting to see what happens tomorrow
im hoping for the eternal bliss of dreams come true
im still jumping through hoops, just like you
into an oceanless blue, into the dreams of infinite beauty and elation
i dream on
Sunday, September 11, 2016
most of them but one
they all want to destroy me, with their eyes
and their hair, and their dresses.
the ones with the unique ways and pretty steps.
with their jewelry, and lace and perfume.
they stab into me like a Thanksgiving day turkey
the ones with the unique ways and pretty steps.
with their jewelry, and lace and perfume.
they stab into me like a Thanksgiving day turkey
fresh out of the oven.
they cut me in slices and halves for all to see.
me, served up, the main entrée, savory bites,
they cut me in slices and halves for all to see.
me, served up, the main entrée, savory bites,
mouths watering with anticipation.
appetites for my mind, my soul, my essence.
their knives are their eyes, cutting fast and deep.
their forks are their hugs, their flirtation, their ways.
appetites for my mind, my soul, my essence.
their knives are their eyes, cutting fast and deep.
their forks are their hugs, their flirtation, their ways.
they all want to destroy me, with words
they want to mold me into the perfect entree
into the person that i am obviously not
into a person that does not even exist upon this earth
until then, they all want to destroy me
all of them but one
started a few days ago, finished today
started a few days ago, finished today
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)