i hide away

as usual, for full effect, 
scroll down and click play, then read

i knew beauty once
impressions on walls of sweat
i dove deep into those waters and lost myself
"I've gotta go" she used to say
the world has always chewed me up and spit me back out
the women do too, especially the women
i knew happiness once
in the make-belief days of day dreams
i died regularly then
the hooks in my heart, in my back, my spine
oh the heart ache from those times
the make-belief days....yeah
Willy Wonka knew it well
but i....i followed my heart
i followed love........love...yeah
i followed it even though i could see it's future
always trapped between 4 small walls
no way to shout out loud
inevitability found it's way,
that which i saw from the start
i saw life once
possibilities and futures unfolded
but that's not the way things work
one too many times have i given myself away
opened up my worn and damaged heart
just to have it damaged even more
given it away and having it returned with a piece missing
until finally there was nothing left
oh fate itself must have cried a few times from such a case
such a state of things, who am i anymore?
and so i've withdrawn from everything and everyone
even a hermit would be envious
the days are a blur and i dont even drink anymore
not since the end of last year / beginning of this year
watching the world go by from a bedroom window
there is a slight solace in isolation
but the loneliness is striking
it always forces me to think
to remember things memories, mistakes....heart ache
i cant say i regret much, maybe one or two things
i was told once that i shouldn't hide myself away
because i would be hiding a treasure from the world
but i doubt a treasure would get it's heart beaten out of it
if i was a treasure, would i not have been kept forever?
yeah, i long for the day that beauty visits me again
that the warm embrace of a woman graces my world
oh lord, how i miss the scent of a woman
the grace of the air around them, their movements
their eyes looking into mine
desires, passion, emotions wild.
i miss the feeling of their skin
the feeling of sweaty hands from holding hands for so long
but alas, im a hermit, a middle aged, fat, hermit
not much to my name and not much strength left in me
not much heart left to give again,
not even really sure there actually is any left
with the mainstay of melancholy staying with me the past few years
and so i hide away, i hide from the world,
from the arrows and bullets aimed at my target heart
from the hunters that are hungry for more
i hide from potential
i hide from today
i hide from tomorrow
i hide from my dreams
i hide from life
..........i hide from myself

untitled

scroll down, click play, if it is not auto playing, then read

oh there were explosions,
volcanic eruptions,
heat waves that changed him forever
those times when he could feel his soul
dripping out from the holes punctured in his heart
         ......those quills are the sharpest
he knew he was at the start of the hardest of times
but he ran headlong into trouble
heartlong into love
surfing on the waves of eternal love
of all the times to get chewed up and spit out
this one was the hardest
this one was the worst of them all
the heart was crushed out of him
there were no punctures of the heart
there was just an absence of the heart
the feelings beat out of him
oh he stood tall for a while
but every tree eventually falls
no more wind blowing through his leaves
just cut up into logs
waiting for the fireplace, furnace, or bonfire
it's ironic because he wanted to build a log cabin
         ......that library book is overdue
did i tell you about that time we almost crashed?
oh wait, you may not know that i write about a woman
that does not exist upon this earth
my heart's desires rolled up into a ball
rolled out here for the world to view
the definition of pathetic
i've always written about a woman that was not real
a woman that i have never met before
oh i've longed to meet this woman that does not exist
i've imagined the beautiful times and experiences
that could happen
but i digress
he keeps to himself these days
rarely ever reaching out to any, if at all
he watches the birds fly, the clouds billow
and the insanity of the world
unsure of what the future holds
he just keeps his ears to the music
his eyes to the skies
and his heart, well, he's trying to find where it went
a dance of after thoughts

a series of interruptions and/or distractions
occurred while i was writing this
but here it is anyway

the mainstay

as usual, scroll down, click play, then read

the empty glass sits on the table
worn is the wood, splintered
dust has collected in the glass and on the table
the glass, the table, the house abandoned
outside, the field of knee high grass blows in the wind
and wild flowers dance there too
such a contrast
i look out across the field
my mind a haze as clouds and fog
begin to pour down across the field
wisps of fog and cloud skim across my face and body
oh i remember the way things once were
the gracefulness of pleasantries with loved ones
the elevated body filled with love
the days of carefree and friends
oh i remember the way things go by
the beginnings and ends
the lives we live
like a storm that forms slowly
and then suddenly begins to pour down
pour down, like the fog and clouds upon the field
like the tears from eyes wracked with pain and emotions
enough to fill that glass that sits on the splintered table
worn is the soul, fragmented
from each time a heart is given to another and then returned
with a piece missing
ah yes, i once stood in that field of clouds and fog
and dancing grasses and flowers
i sat at that splintered, worn table with the empty glass
tempted to disturb the tranquility of the dust and splinters
and the empty glass, but i dare not
break the laws of providence
and so i just simply become a part of the abandonment
blend in with the dust and cobwebs and splinters
but occasionally i have to look outside at the field
to watch and wait for the clouds and fog
the mainstay

this came to me after stopping and just sitting 
still in my chair doing nothing for a few 
so here it is 

4-8-2018 emotional

as usual, click play on the song
and then read away

00:42 (12:42am) 
sometimes i really want to write
the release of things from writing
a small reprieve from the pains and norms
but often times these days
there's nothing in me to write about
and so i stay silent
sure, i could write about the same things
that i typically write about
and then i'm a broken record
playing the same song over and over again
it might be a remix or a rework
but still the same song nonetheless
even this so far is a broken record
i don't know what's going on with me
with my life, my health
i don't know where i'm heading
or what's going to happen to me
sometimes i feel like i don't even
know how to go about figuring out
where i'm going or what is going on
sometimes i feel like i don't really care
that drive that was in me, seemingly gone now
once intelligent and now shells of peanuts
strength and will, driven out of me
sure, one could say it's still there
but just feels as though it's gone
what's wrong with me?
one would think that i'd have figured
out, by now, what is going on and such
hell, how can i give to someone else
when i don't even have a clue?
what could i bring to someone else
other than my love, but even that
it seems is not good enough for someone
to keep and hold dear
i'm middle aged, fat, and misaligned
i've got bad teeth and now in ill health
i can't help but to feel a little afraid
loneliness is putting it all extremely mildly
rarely ever does my phone go off
unless of course it's a wrong number
not a how are you or the likes
oh so this is what an abandoned house
must feel like
i don't even remember what a real hug feels like
or even a hug of romance, of love
oh love, how incredible it is
shit, i'm lost, can't find my home
i keep falling down and
something keeps stepping on me
while i'm down
oh lord, can i get some relief?
what little ways i have left
such a folly of things
anyway, the girl cat is sleeping in
her new bed on my bed
and the boy cat is sleeping in the other room
i have a headache and my heart is sad
and i wonder who else is thinking like me
i dream on.......nah, nevermind that
i'm waiting to see....nah, strike that
i just don't know what the hell i'm
doing anymore.......

4-5-2018 -- 4-6-2018

1:23am
well, let me see now where was i?
oh yeah, i meant to forget about it all
but i keep coming back
you know, the whole waiting thing
age creeps in and taps on my mind
taps on my body, letting me know it's here
high blood pressure visits me now
one more thing to drive me there
how loud can one yell before someone hears?
how many times does one yell before
realizing that no one is listening,
that no one will ever hear?
how lonely can one feel?
the loneliness of an empty mirror
the norm had become a melancholy
an absence of feeling anything until today
today was the first in a while of emotions
paying me a visit and oh did the tears well up
they flowed like the song of a choir
singing an elegy for the dearly departed
what songs do they sing?
the wind blows in through the window screen
with a slight hissing sound as it goes through
maybe that is the song they sing
well, at least they're singing that song for me
it seems to be and nary a voice is heard
just like mine, oh look a cricket is singing
but it's not singing for me, but rather for a female
to come to him, just like me.....shit
uncertainty, shrouded in mystery
shrouded in warpaint and armor 42 years thick
oh he tires, his strength does wane
it's harder more so than ever before
to get back up once he falls or is beaten down
sometimes he stays down for a while
well hell, i feel ok, i guess
outside of the high blood pressure anyway
the cats are up to their usual thing
with the sleeping and eating and dreaming
the overall contentment, such a life
my eyes are clouded, my head hangs low
my spirit wanes, my ember still burns though
smoldering, waiting for the fuel to come 
to flame up into an inferno of eternity
i see smoke all around me, evidence
of the flaming infernos of others
which gives me hope and yet also cant help
to not feel some slight hints of envy
oh well, rather stubborn or gluttonous
i wait to see what happens tomorrow
dreaming all the way

partially written yesterday and finished today
 

1-16-2018

12:12 AM  or  00:12

i just want to live out my days in....
well hell, the broken record repeats again
still goes the melancholy ways most of the time
except today, the emotions and thoughts overflowed
again and flooded my entire body until the tears
were forced to flow out, those rivers of pain
i'll be forty two in a few weeks
and i'm weaker than most, i'll admit that fully
even weaker than anyone else even knows
all i can imagine are ways to flee from reality
not because of that age, that's actually a comfort to me
but because of the hunters, the arrows and bullets flying at me
the vials of poison tossed into my face
because of the weights and chains and traps that
keep me from flying high in the sky
flying high in dreams of eternal bliss
oh god, i want more than anything to be
swooped up and caressed as i'm carried high high high
into the most beautiful of skies
i want the all the things that everyone else takes full advantage of
without even a thought about how lucky they are to have
oh how i've dreamt of all those brilliant and beautiful things
they really don't know what they have
some of them do though, and those are the ones that fly the highest
the ones that understand and see clear
my pleas fall on deaf ears or rather they fall on the pavement of highways
blown around by passing cars, by winds, ran over and crushed by tires and weight
or they're grabbed up and held for a while and then tossed back on the ground
well, at least the birds still sing their songs
and, unfortunately, the dogs bark theirs as well, keeping me up sometimes
the noisy neighbors have a dog now, to add to the
already noisiness that comes from over there
when will the winds turn in my favor?
when will the birds sing me a song?
when will the laughter of sheer bliss grace my ears?
when will the brilliance of eternal love grace me with forever?
anyhow, the girl cat sleeps in the back room somewhere
as does the boy cat, they dream in ways
and i....well, like always, im just waiting to see what happens tomorrow

the glass

the glass sits on the table in the room
the house abandoned long ago
there are signs in the glass that the water that
was once in it evaporated slowly over time
dust has settled and collects in it
let the walls be blue since that was his favorite color
the paint is faded and chipped
dust has also settled on it discoloring it slightly
and there are spots on the wall where pictures once hung
and even signs of the broken and deteriorating pictures on the floor
the couch sits in communion with the broken windows
it's color faded to mere shades of various greys
leaves have gathered on the floor, blown in
in some corners the leaves too have begun to decay
and create soil spots where life could possibly grow from
in a back room are signs of a child's room
various abandoned toys lie on the floor
an old toy box and child's bed are there
as are leaves that were blown in
an old doll is there, lying on it's left side
it's eyes staring eternally into the wall with a small tree growing out of it
part of the wall and roof are collapsed from the tree's life
the front door to the house is covered with boards and nailed shut
in most every room are signs of people going in through the windows
and wasting time with cigarettes and booze, even some graffiti left
the rooms sing songs for the wind that blows through
and for a small moment he felt happy to be able to hear them sing
if it was up to him he'd stay there in that house forever
dreaming the most brilliant dreams while waiting for the rooms
to sing their songs again, even if only for a while
he imagines what the house was like before
what the people that lived there were like
and what they may have gone through
but oh does the rooms' songs sound so incredible beautiful
oh but there's only one sound that is the single most beautiful sound
of them all, but he can only dream of that anymore
and so he focuses on the abandoned house that he photographed once
when he was 22 and thinks of the songs it once sung

this is based off of a real abandoned house that i 
went to and photographed about 20 years ago
and it's based off of how i feel lately 
it came to me while listening to this song below
for best effect, play the song and read it while the song plays 
and as always, thanks for reading