i went to a restaurant a few days ago and
i walked in and was lead to be seated at a booth.
my hair being that it's fairly long now had gotten
somewhat messed up from the wind and movements
of being outside so i was fixing it as i walked
i see a woman sitting at one of the booths
and i see that she has lost most of her hair
and i can see that it is more than likely cancer related
we looked at each other and it nearly felt as though
i had gotten stabbed...not by the way she looked at me
well, partially, but she didn't glare or look hateful,
but rather she looked sad
this bothered me immensely because the situation should
have been reversed...me with short/little/no hair
and her with the long hair
my empathy flowed heavily and i worked to keep back any tears
i wanted to cut my hair off then and there and give it to her
i didn't even know the woman and yet part of me
wanted to trade places with her
not really sure why, perhaps since my grandmother died of cancer
when i was 10 or 11 and my father is a cancer survivor
although his case was minor, it was still cancer nonetheless
being that i am emotion and empathy filled these days, i think
that's also partially why it weighed so heavy on me
i could see in her eyes the tears that she seemed to have
on the inside as i walked past her.....slow motion at that
or so it seemed
by the time i was finished eating and was leaving,
the woman had already left and was gone
but i thought about her still, hence my writing this
i thought of all kinds of things since then
imagining different situations and circumstances
my mom, my sister, my relatives
i haven't had the privilege of having a sustained relationship
or a marriage or anything, but even that entered my mind
if i was married and it was my wife
i even imagined it being me.
strange....
the recent days of mine have been inundated
by insomnia, almost a week straight of difficulties
in sleeping and staying asleep
the monotony of being dead tired and laying in bed
waiting to fall asleep...minutes seem like hours
hours seem like years and all the while you're tortured
with the thoughts of sleep and being asleep, the peacefulness
then thoughts of the day, thoughts of personal struggles
thoughts of loneliness, life, and for me, my world, my dreams
so it's no wonder that i have to say i feel tired and worn out these days
sometimes i feel like i have too much empathy
some movies that aren't even sad, make me cry
those love movies that only some cry to, i bawl my eyes out to
movies that seem to be able to punch my heart, my emotions
i see someone fall or get hurt, i cringe as though i felt the actual
physical pain from it.
was a beautiful day today, nice breezes, nice temperature
and it is a beautiful night as well, the moon smiles down on me
and i can't help but wonder who else is looking up at it as well.
i wonder if someone else as lonesome and emotional as i
is somewhere looking up at it, someone stuck indoors, looking
out through the window at it. someone sitting outside in a hammock
looking up at it. a couple out for a walk, looking up at it.
two lovers madly and unconditionally in love laying in the grass,
looking up at it. their moon is also my moon and yet their world is
not my world, their love is not my love, their thoughts, are not my thoughts
their dreams, while beautiful, are not my dreams. a reality i often think about.
typing this out has made me cry like a baby and i've had to stop a few times
well, i hope that tonight that i can sleep as heavy and soundly as i've ever
slept before, i hope that my dreams while sleeping will be as beautiful
as my life dreams, i hope one day i can live in those dreams....one day.
anyway, night is covering the wasps next door and as for the cats.....
well they're up to their usual cat business with the girl cat sitting on the
back of the couch taking a shower/licking her fur and as for the boy cat,
im not sure where he is, actually.
i want to fly away, i want to escape the everyday,
i want to run away to the edge of dreams and love
i want to sail on the waves of passion and elation
i want to float on clouds of togetherness.
i want to drift away forever with you
anyway, i dream still..
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