as usual, click play on the song
and then read away
00:42 (12:42am)
sometimes i really want to write
the release of things from writing
a small reprieve from the pains and norms
but often times these days
there's nothing in me to write about
and so i stay silent
sure, i could write about the same things
that i typically write about
and then i'm a broken record
playing the same song over and over again
it might be a remix or a rework
but still the same song nonetheless
even this so far is a broken record
i don't know what's going on with me
with my life, my health
i don't know where i'm heading
or what's going to happen to me
sometimes i feel like i don't even
know how to go about figuring out
where i'm going or what is going on
sometimes i feel like i don't really care
that drive that was in me, seemingly gone now
once intelligent and now shells of peanuts
strength and will, driven out of me
sure, one could say it's still there
but just feels as though it's gone
what's wrong with me?
one would think that i'd have figured
out, by now, what is going on and such
hell, how can i give to someone else
when i don't even have a clue?
what could i bring to someone else
other than my love, but even that
it seems is not good enough for someone
to keep and hold dear
i'm middle aged, fat, and misaligned
i've got bad teeth and now in ill health
i can't help but to feel a little afraid
loneliness is putting it all extremely mildly
rarely ever does my phone go off
unless of course it's a wrong number
not a how are you or the likes
oh so this is what an abandoned house
must feel like
i don't even remember what a real hug feels like
or even a hug of romance, of love
oh love, how incredible it is
shit, i'm lost, can't find my home
i keep falling down and
something keeps stepping on me
while i'm down
oh lord, can i get some relief?
what little ways i have left
such a folly of things
anyway, the girl cat is sleeping in
her new bed on my bed
and the boy cat is sleeping in the other room
i have a headache and my heart is sad
and i wonder who else is thinking like me
i dream on.......nah, nevermind that
i'm waiting to see....nah, strike that
i just don't know what the hell i'm
doing anymore.......
Sunday, April 8, 2018
Friday, April 6, 2018
4-5-2018 -- 4-6-2018
1:23am
well, let me see now where was i?
oh yeah, i meant to forget about it all
but i keep coming back
you know, the whole waiting thing
age creeps in and taps on my mind
taps on my body, letting me know it's here
high blood pressure visits me now
one more thing to drive me there
how loud can one yell before someone hears?
how many times does one yell before
realizing that no one is listening,
that no one will ever hear?
how lonely can one feel?
the loneliness of an empty mirror
the norm had become a melancholy
an absence of feeling anything until today
today was the first in a while of emotions
paying me a visit and oh did the tears well up
they flowed like the song of a choir
singing an elegy for the dearly departed
what songs do they sing?
the wind blows in through the window screen
with a slight hissing sound as it goes through
maybe that is the song they sing
well, at least they're singing that song for me
it seems to be and nary a voice is heard
just like mine, oh look a cricket is singing
but it's not singing for me, but rather for a female
to come to him, just like me.....shit
uncertainty, shrouded in mystery
shrouded in warpaint and armor 42 years thick
oh he tires, his strength does wane
it's harder more so than ever before
to get back up once he falls or is beaten down
sometimes he stays down for a while
well hell, i feel ok, i guess
outside of the high blood pressure anyway
the cats are up to their usual thing
with the sleeping and eating and dreaming
the overall contentment, such a life
my eyes are clouded, my head hangs low
my spirit wanes, my ember still burns though
smoldering, waiting for the fuel to come
to flame up into an inferno of eternity
i see smoke all around me, evidence
of the flaming infernos of others
which gives me hope and yet also cant help
to not feel some slight hints of envy
oh well, rather stubborn or gluttonous
i wait to see what happens tomorrow
dreaming all the way
partially written yesterday and finished today
well, let me see now where was i?
oh yeah, i meant to forget about it all
but i keep coming back
you know, the whole waiting thing
age creeps in and taps on my mind
taps on my body, letting me know it's here
high blood pressure visits me now
one more thing to drive me there
how loud can one yell before someone hears?
how many times does one yell before
realizing that no one is listening,
that no one will ever hear?
how lonely can one feel?
the loneliness of an empty mirror
the norm had become a melancholy
an absence of feeling anything until today
today was the first in a while of emotions
paying me a visit and oh did the tears well up
they flowed like the song of a choir
singing an elegy for the dearly departed
what songs do they sing?
the wind blows in through the window screen
with a slight hissing sound as it goes through
maybe that is the song they sing
well, at least they're singing that song for me
it seems to be and nary a voice is heard
just like mine, oh look a cricket is singing
but it's not singing for me, but rather for a female
to come to him, just like me.....shit
uncertainty, shrouded in mystery
shrouded in warpaint and armor 42 years thick
oh he tires, his strength does wane
it's harder more so than ever before
to get back up once he falls or is beaten down
sometimes he stays down for a while
well hell, i feel ok, i guess
outside of the high blood pressure anyway
the cats are up to their usual thing
with the sleeping and eating and dreaming
the overall contentment, such a life
my eyes are clouded, my head hangs low
my spirit wanes, my ember still burns though
smoldering, waiting for the fuel to come
to flame up into an inferno of eternity
i see smoke all around me, evidence
of the flaming infernos of others
which gives me hope and yet also cant help
to not feel some slight hints of envy
oh well, rather stubborn or gluttonous
i wait to see what happens tomorrow
dreaming all the way
partially written yesterday and finished today
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
1-16-2018
12:12 AM or 00:12
i just want to live out my days in....
well hell, the broken record repeats again
still goes the melancholy ways most of the time
except today, the emotions and thoughts overflowed
again and flooded my entire body until the tears
were forced to flow out, those rivers of pain
i'll be forty two in a few weeks
and i'm weaker than most, i'll admit that fully
even weaker than anyone else even knows
all i can imagine are ways to flee from reality
not because of that age, that's actually a comfort to me
but because of the hunters, the arrows and bullets flying at me
the vials of poison tossed into my face
because of the weights and chains and traps that
keep me from flying high in the sky
flying high in dreams of eternal bliss
oh god, i want more than anything to be
swooped up and caressed as i'm carried high high high
into the most beautiful of skies
i want the all the things that everyone else takes full advantage of
without even a thought about how lucky they are to have
oh how i've dreamt of all those brilliant and beautiful things
they really don't know what they have
some of them do though, and those are the ones that fly the highest
the ones that understand and see clear
my pleas fall on deaf ears or rather they fall on the pavement of highways
blown around by passing cars, by winds, ran over and crushed by tires and weight
or they're grabbed up and held for a while and then tossed back on the ground
well, at least the birds still sing their songs
and, unfortunately, the dogs bark theirs as well, keeping me up sometimes
the noisy neighbors have a dog now, to add to the
already noisiness that comes from over there
when will the winds turn in my favor?
when will the birds sing me a song?
when will the laughter of sheer bliss grace my ears?
when will the brilliance of eternal love grace me with forever?
anyhow, the girl cat sleeps in the back room somewhere
as does the boy cat, they dream in ways
and i....well, like always, im just waiting to see what happens tomorrow
i just want to live out my days in....
well hell, the broken record repeats again
still goes the melancholy ways most of the time
except today, the emotions and thoughts overflowed
again and flooded my entire body until the tears
were forced to flow out, those rivers of pain
i'll be forty two in a few weeks
and i'm weaker than most, i'll admit that fully
even weaker than anyone else even knows
all i can imagine are ways to flee from reality
not because of that age, that's actually a comfort to me
but because of the hunters, the arrows and bullets flying at me
the vials of poison tossed into my face
because of the weights and chains and traps that
keep me from flying high in the sky
flying high in dreams of eternal bliss
oh god, i want more than anything to be
swooped up and caressed as i'm carried high high high
into the most beautiful of skies
i want the all the things that everyone else takes full advantage of
without even a thought about how lucky they are to have
oh how i've dreamt of all those brilliant and beautiful things
they really don't know what they have
some of them do though, and those are the ones that fly the highest
the ones that understand and see clear
my pleas fall on deaf ears or rather they fall on the pavement of highways
blown around by passing cars, by winds, ran over and crushed by tires and weight
or they're grabbed up and held for a while and then tossed back on the ground
well, at least the birds still sing their songs
and, unfortunately, the dogs bark theirs as well, keeping me up sometimes
the noisy neighbors have a dog now, to add to the
already noisiness that comes from over there
when will the winds turn in my favor?
when will the birds sing me a song?
when will the laughter of sheer bliss grace my ears?
when will the brilliance of eternal love grace me with forever?
anyhow, the girl cat sleeps in the back room somewhere
as does the boy cat, they dream in ways
and i....well, like always, im just waiting to see what happens tomorrow
the glass
the glass sits on the table in the room
the house abandoned long ago
there are signs in the glass that the water that
was once in it evaporated slowly over time
dust has settled and collects in it
let the walls be blue since that was his favorite color
the paint is faded and chipped
dust has also settled on it discoloring it slightly
and there are spots on the wall where pictures once hung
and even signs of the broken and deteriorating pictures on the floor
the couch sits in communion with the broken windows
it's color faded to mere shades of various greys
leaves have gathered on the floor, blown in
in some corners the leaves too have begun to decay
and create soil spots where life could possibly grow from
in a back room are signs of a child's room
various abandoned toys lie on the floor
an old toy box and child's bed are there
as are leaves that were blown in
an old doll is there, lying on it's left side
it's eyes staring eternally into the wall with a small tree growing out of it
part of the wall and roof are collapsed from the tree's life
the front door to the house is covered with boards and nailed shut
in most every room are signs of people going in through the windows
and wasting time with cigarettes and booze, even some graffiti left
the rooms sing songs for the wind that blows through
and for a small moment he felt happy to be able to hear them sing
if it was up to him he'd stay there in that house forever
dreaming the most brilliant dreams while waiting for the rooms
to sing their songs again, even if only for a while
he imagines what the house was like before
what the people that lived there were like
and what they may have gone through
but oh does the rooms' songs sound so incredible beautiful
oh but there's only one sound that is the single most beautiful sound
of them all, but he can only dream of that anymore
and so he focuses on the abandoned house that he photographed once
when he was 22 and thinks of the songs it once sung
this is based off of a real abandoned house that i
went to and photographed about 20 years ago
and it's based off of how i feel lately
it came to me while listening to this song below
for best effect, play the song and read it while the song plays
and as always, thanks for reading
the house abandoned long ago
there are signs in the glass that the water that
was once in it evaporated slowly over time
dust has settled and collects in it
let the walls be blue since that was his favorite color
the paint is faded and chipped
dust has also settled on it discoloring it slightly
and there are spots on the wall where pictures once hung
and even signs of the broken and deteriorating pictures on the floor
the couch sits in communion with the broken windows
it's color faded to mere shades of various greys
leaves have gathered on the floor, blown in
in some corners the leaves too have begun to decay
and create soil spots where life could possibly grow from
in a back room are signs of a child's room
various abandoned toys lie on the floor
an old toy box and child's bed are there
as are leaves that were blown in
an old doll is there, lying on it's left side
it's eyes staring eternally into the wall with a small tree growing out of it
part of the wall and roof are collapsed from the tree's life
the front door to the house is covered with boards and nailed shut
in most every room are signs of people going in through the windows
and wasting time with cigarettes and booze, even some graffiti left
the rooms sing songs for the wind that blows through
and for a small moment he felt happy to be able to hear them sing
if it was up to him he'd stay there in that house forever
dreaming the most brilliant dreams while waiting for the rooms
to sing their songs again, even if only for a while
he imagines what the house was like before
what the people that lived there were like
and what they may have gone through
but oh does the rooms' songs sound so incredible beautiful
oh but there's only one sound that is the single most beautiful sound
of them all, but he can only dream of that anymore
and so he focuses on the abandoned house that he photographed once
when he was 22 and thinks of the songs it once sung
this is based off of a real abandoned house that i
went to and photographed about 20 years ago
and it's based off of how i feel lately
it came to me while listening to this song below
for best effect, play the song and read it while the song plays
and as always, thanks for reading
Sunday, January 14, 2018
i want to be free
im afraid to spread my wings and fly
the hunters will shoot me down dead
so i stay down in the shadows and hide
i watch life go by in small doses, mostly alone
and each time i've ever tried to fly even just a little
the hunters and hawks swoop in and cut my wings
they cut my wings mid flight so i fall and crash down
sometimes another comes to me and we fly together
mostly for short distances and in short spans of time
then they're gone as if the hunters took them away
and when i sleep i dream endlessly of beauty eternal
and when i day dream i try to stay there as long as possible
but always the reality of my world hits me hard
and my eyes fill with the emotions i keep hidden
i dream of being saved from the hunters
of being able to fly as high as i've always wanted to
as high as i've always dreamed of
i hope for someone to come that wont break my wings
someone that would love to fly as high as me
and that would love to fly the endless skies with me.
came to me a few minutes ago
thanks for reading
the hunters will shoot me down dead
so i stay down in the shadows and hide
i watch life go by in small doses, mostly alone
and each time i've ever tried to fly even just a little
the hunters and hawks swoop in and cut my wings
they cut my wings mid flight so i fall and crash down
sometimes another comes to me and we fly together
mostly for short distances and in short spans of time
then they're gone as if the hunters took them away
and when i sleep i dream endlessly of beauty eternal
and when i day dream i try to stay there as long as possible
but always the reality of my world hits me hard
and my eyes fill with the emotions i keep hidden
i dream of being saved from the hunters
of being able to fly as high as i've always wanted to
as high as i've always dreamed of
i hope for someone to come that wont break my wings
someone that would love to fly as high as me
and that would love to fly the endless skies with me.
came to me a few minutes ago
thanks for reading
Thursday, December 21, 2017
untitled...my emotional thoughts
and so it has exploded from me once more
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again
written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again
written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it
Thursday, December 14, 2017
12-14-2017
10:55pm
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones
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