as always, for best results
scroll to the bottom
and click play on the song
if it isn't auto playing
there are words sung in the song
so perhaps listen at the end
and so today was a day that i allowed myself
time to sit still with my thoughts and stir them up.
partially due to a song i've been listening to,
but also because of random dreams i've had.
reminders of what once was, of things long passed
i was washing the glass that i always used for my tea
the other day when it slipped and fell into the sink
it broke and it was the glass that my ex girlfriend
who fairly recently died in a car crash gave to me
i couldn't help but to think, later on, that it was
simply a reminder that all things come to an end
personally i've had more things come to an end
than i've had things that remain sustained in my life
too used to the damages and the abandonments
and the left behind and the loss and sorrows of heartache
all the failures and mistakes and bad decisions
sadly the acceptance of feeling like i deserve nothing
has set in, i don't deserve happiness, i don't deserve to be loved
i've sort of felt like this since before i sobered up
and went into hiding, i think since around 2016 or 2017
oh my brain and it's ways of thought
no one has understood me ever in my life
there were a few times where i thought someone did
but they left me behind, some left me behind with a broken heart
some still i left behind before i got left behind in a final act
i pushed some out and haven't looked back
except only in a few instances where curiosity hit me
a new thing has started with me lately
i've found cold air on my skin comforting
i still have not worn a coat or jacket lately
even though the temperatures are getting lower
a few instances where the chill was a little uncomfortable
yet it still was comforting, which in turn made me wonder
how much cold i could take before needing to warm up
the aforementioned song i spoke of
is a song called Without You by Low Roar
i heard it from a video game that i play frequently
called Death Stranding
it's quite an interesting game in that it's online
yet you never see any other players
only things they leave behind such as tools, weapons,
items, vehicles, and signs or things that they build in game
such a lonely feeling to that, yet at the same time comforting
players can like others things like signs and vehicles
and structures and such
your role in the game is a porter or delivery person
i sometimes wished the real world was similar to
the game in that i'd be the only person in the world,
but yet get constant reminders of others being around
i'll just attach the song to this entry
how did i get to this point i wonder.....
i was a socialite or some call it social butterfly
these days i tend to avoid people and their intentions
curiously i recently took a free version of the Myers-Briggs
personality test and found that i'm now an INFJ-T
funny how life and time takes it's toll on a person
i wonder how many more years i've got left on this planet
how many more times ill get rejected, tossed aside, left behind
i wonder is there anything left of my heart to even get heart broken
and as another midnight passes me by i find myself
thinking of cold air, chills on my skin and in my hair
being left behind in a mist of snows and frost winds
frozen into eternity, into the frozen halls of nothing
into memories lost and forgotten
