9-11-2019

thoughts and feelings after listening to the song at the bottom
it should be auto-playing, but if not, click play then read.

the bitterness of a failed life flows from my mouth
as i exhale in sadness
i've turned into a warped, frustrated, angry man
angry at the world, but you'd never know it
as i open doors for people and smile at people
as i pass them by
spreading kindness, perhaps, to make up for what
is lacking completely in my life
a failure of life
i imagined, over and over, how life could have been
a torture of thoughts and emotions
......those waters are the roughest to swim through
i watch people in life, in traffic and in places
going nowhere in a hurry and cursing you for
not abiding to their desires,  to their life
you're evil because you are not like them
or you're evil because you're too different
to fit in any mold or group of thought or description
an alien among fellow people
......i wonder if mars is nice this time of year?
oh it's tiring and so weakening to me
to live labeled and branded
punished forever, every single day
still persecuted and hunted to this day
my birthday has become the most depressing
part of my life and wont ever be better
....those chains are the heaviest of them all
hiding away has been the only strategy
to cope with things as they are
but how lonely that is
sure, there's is a solace in solitude
but everyone needs love, and everyone needs a friend
i can't even remember what a real hug feels like
i don't remember the last time someone
touched my face out of love
i don't even know when the time time i heard
the words i love you and felt it too
oh hell, this world, this life is the strangest goddamned thing
i have ever seen or imagined
so bizarre, so abnormal
well, i am still here, somewhere between the lost memories
and the dried tear drops that have stained my face forever
trying to make sense of this world makes me more
confused than when i first started trying
and of course the failures immediately follow
a failure of life
there's not much i have done successfully
most everything in my life ends up in failure
and so why even try anymore.
the definition of insanity, doing the same thing
over and over expecting the results to change
so, giving up changes things, maybe
i'm so tired
tired of sleep disturbances, tired of aches and pains
tired of heart ache and body ache and head aches
tired of life giving me lemons and
expecting me to give tomato juice
dreams?? what are those?
only the means to disappointment and sadness
most everything has already been beaten out of me
im only middle aged and stuck in such a sordid state
oh well, at least the birds sing their songs and the wasps fly
to and from the crack in the neighbor's roof
and the cats lay in contentment with dreams of beauty
oblivious to an aching man with these nonsensical thoughts and feelings.
who i am anyway?? no one at all.
no one at all.

3-17-2019

i trip up on words most days
i write less, but i don't think less
in fact i think i think more
and trip up on the words more
and so writing less is easier
anyway what are words?
comparable to sand on the beach
comparable to the strands of hair on the head
there's a million and one of them out there
i see less meaning in words these days
even perhaps less meaning in my words
as time and effects take their toll
as the hunters and life perform a tag team
on my ability to dream
well, i guess i feel ok most days
just a repetition of the same things
i guess that makes me insane
you know, the whole
doing the same thing over and over
and expecting different results
actually, i don't really have much in the
way of expectations
expectations are the means to disappointment
and disappointment is the means to sadness
so i just survive
survive for nothing in particular
just to have something to do i guess
still maintaining a sober life
no drinking, no nothing
i try to find solace and coping in various ways
making music helps and music itself helps,
movies as well, but mainly old movies
i dont have much of the drive i once had
not much ambition left in me either
just a sustaining till the end type of mode
life has taught me things and it has destroyed me
just fragments of who i once was remain
who am i?
well, the cats are up to their usual activities
with the easy life
happy and content in their world
and i?
well, i don't have much left
it don't matter anyway

don't you remember?

don't you remember? us talking in this very spot
a ballet of words and flirtations
a ballet that set the stage for war
a war that i waved the white flag of surrender 
you fucked me up and you know it
but i don't blame you
but i am angry at you, for doing what all the others did
for making me believe lies that were never true
angry at myself, for falling for those words
but when i dive into love, i dive head first
with my hands free, so i'm also to blame
you have to understand that some books,
when you come to the last page and close them,
they are not meant to be reopened or reread
that it's absolute best to close them and leave them
so you never look at them again
keeping the knowledge of them in you
so you can remember the lessons learned
the pains lived and healed from
and yes to cherish the good memories from them
don't you remember? you said you loved me
that you loved me unconditionally
that you loved me
i know i said i wouldn't ever let you go
and i'm sorry, but i had to
i had to because it was killing me
it was killing me holding onto you
holding onto your memory
holding onto your words
words that as time passed i began to see into
and see through to the light of reality
and so i let go of you...i grieved for you
like i've never grieved for anyone or anything
and now i just wanted you to know
i hope that you fly higher than dreams
that the world moves for you
that your world is brighter and more beautiful than
anything ever before
i abstain

unfinished

this was written sometime in 2013
and sat in my drafts until now
it remains unfinished 
because i hit a mental block
each time at the end
and i dislike it mostly
as always click play on the
song first, if it's not auto playing

waves wash up on sun bleached shores
sparkling sun light reflections on the waters
in my mind i know the definitions
but to put it all in words is a whole different thing
the torrent of words and thoughts and memories
overwhelm
i try to keep my head above the waters,
but most days i drown
the water flows up and pushes small broken
branches and twigs around that lie on the shore
their dance, while the water holds and caresses them,
is a magic most don't even think about
i look up to see the tree limb reaching down
almost touching the water
i know how that feels
with things being always just out of my reach
unable to touch and hold them all
surrounded by missed possibilities
that's a dance i wished i never had to dance
leaves break off and blow in the wind
down on the water and on the land
their flips and rolls through the air
so carefree and gentle
oh lord, what that must feel like
then it's a dance of water or wind and leaves
the autumn winds blowing

untitled

a short little something that came to 
me while i was in the shower this morning
not really long enough for a song to be put into it
but i put one anyway 

poison me not with your words
let them fall into your own soils
to render whatever harvests for you
let me be unto my own struggles
unto my own soils and crops
that i may roam in my solace of silence
that one day i will fly higher than eagles