12-26-2020 10:09 am

originally started this earlier today
but only just now finished it
as usual, for best results
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broken limbs crunch under foot steps
through wandering paths to infinity
broken dreams crack under each thought
under the weight of life's aches n pains
that get stacked up onto backs
one can only wonder if middle aged back pains 
come from this weight
as the damages take their tolls on minds and hearts
and the bluebird sings it's song
the child plays with not a care in the world
...their universe, untouched, is where real dreams are
and far far away we go, as age stacks up
and shoulders crack and collapse
and we put far too much on our plates
or in some cases far too little
all the while distracting our selves with
habits and behaviors and trinkets and gadgets
and social medias and mind altering chemicals
oh like water in rivers and vapor in winds
the flow don't stop as one dies and more are born
the consumption of a life into nothing
makes one really think how special life actually is
since there's a trillion and one of us all
and we all eventually are forgotten
well, they say it's about the journey
and not the beginning or the end
i always laugh a little when i see or hear that
and immediately the thought comes to my mind
some journeys are brutal and with sure
impending destruction
what about that journey ?
is it also about those journeys
the destroyed ones that have been dragged
through the dirt of the sewers
that have been repeatedly stomped on
whilst they were already down
when they were already defeated before
they were even old enough and strong enough to fight
i've fallen into a spiral of infinite thoughts 
thoughts and feelings whose fingers are icy cold
and they squeeze at my throat
i dance across frozen tears
frozen in time and space
and the sirens voice calls me from afar
from the spaces between loneliness and 
those dying dreams and aspirations i once held dear
my feet hurt and my head rings
i used to run and slide on the ices and frozen puddles
when i was a child, before the damage was dealt and 
before the hunters got their claws and arrows into me
before life grabbed me and wrung me like a dish rag
memories and dreams like leaves on autumn trees
happiness like a fleeting after thought
i even think i am beginning to forget what that even feels like
joy, elation, beauty....clouds are forming and enveloping those
am sure eventually they will become consumed
and i will no longer have a memory of such things
i drove down this road once in a very bad state of mind
i kept driving for a long while and it had gotten dark outside
at some point i was forced off the road and onto a side road
of which had no lights at all and only ended up forcing you to turn around
but before i turned around i saw that was obviously a spot where 
someone must have been living various trash and a make shift
bed and such, even some signs of which i couldn't read and 
i started to feel an uneasy feeling there so i didn't linger to see what
the signs actually said, they were hand written signs
i couldn't help but wonder who it was that had been there and why
i found myself driving for hours contemplating life and death
that day was my first real glimpse of this desperate darkness i speak of
i mean i had seen it was i was young, but i didn't quite have an understanding
the adult understanding of life and such
i felt it once when i had gotten lost while driving to visit a friend
and as far as i could see there was nothing at all
other than the highway i was on that was even remotely signs of humans
and even that highway i was on was a scarcely used one at that
i couldn't help but to suddenly feel overwhelmed 
and a sense of complete insignificance hit me and i got out
of the car and dropped to my knees for a few moments
it wasn't until i got back in the car that i noticed i had been crying
ive no idea why, i wasn't scared or anything and i had no reason to be sad
since i knew exactly how to go back to the road i got there from
maybe one day i'll go again for a drive to try to get lost again
until then i don't even know at all what i am doing anymore
and of course i also don't know where i'm going
other than nowhere
i felt like i was home once, when i was floating on clouds of beauty
and love was as tangible as water, and it was like nothing ever before
i felt normal for that short brief moment in time and in my life
i felt as the mountains, tall and strong and eternal
why did they have to throw me away like a wadded paper
why did they siphon life from me 
why did they syphon me out of me
nothing but this deflated busted and worn out balloon left
i often felt like that through my entire life
like chewed gum stuck under cafeteria tables
i feel tired and my head rings still
my words like grains of sand on the beach
what is one grain of sand to an entire beach and an ocean of it?
insignificant

øjeRum · The Dance

12-23-2020 10:00 pm

apparently i didn't hit publish
when i actually wrote this
as usual and for best results/effect
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if it is not already auto-playing
thanx for reading

the most excitement i've had in quite a long time
was going to the emergency room last night
due to chest pains and tightness in my chest
the most social interacting i've done in a while
the man who was claiming to have been shot in his leg,
walking with such erratic and limping steps
the only different between him and me, i thought
was the fact that i don't talk to myself aloud 
whenever i'm around others
he was, seemingly, having a full on conversation
about crack and eating his peanut butter crackers with himself
then he demanded a wheel chair from the nurses,
but then abandoned it within minutes of getting it
he made a big mess with the peanut butter crackers
pieces of them and crumbs all over the floor
in both places where he sat at
he became angry when the nurses came out to take him to
start the process and then told them to wait and come back to him
because he said he just got there and need time to sit for a minute
at some point a policeman had to come over to get him to cooperate 
or he was going to be asked to leave
his yelling incoherently and cursing i found comical
but out of respect i hid my chuckles
i couldn't help but wonder what his story was
where he came from and what got him to where he is today
so that he was yelling and cursing at those that were only trying to help him
the entire time i waited in that waiting room
was a struggle to fight back tears and emotions
i've been overwhelmed with them lately
any down time at all and the emotions and tears flow
and so once i sat down in that chair in the waiting room
the war begun
i'd quickly linger on things that distracted me
such as the ambient sounds of a hospital
the sounds of the x-ray machines
i would listen to peoples voices and the potential 
emotion behind their words while not focusing on what they
were saying, but just the sound of their voices
nurses laughing and enjoying conversations between tasks
it kind of made me sad though, considering my isolation
and my overwhelming loneliness
i miss conversations and laughing
the little connecting with others
the whole time i was at that hospital, i only spoke
with the nurses and doctors that tended to me
some of the female nurses that passed by or came to tend to me
smelled very nice and oh how it made me miss the company
of a woman their conversations, their thoughts and emotions
oh how i could soak it up like a dry sponge does with water
their eyes like crystals that sparkle with the sun's light
and don't get me started on their beauty and ways
the way they walk and move like a painting being painted
one can imagine in the days of old when men took 
their coats off and tossed them on the ground for the women to
walk on so as to not get their shoes or dresses tainted by puddles or mud
oh how i miss their skin, so delicate like flower petals
i miss their hugs and kisses and flirtations
i miss the warmth of their love
well, i couldn't hold it back after a certain point
and so there i sat in an emergency room waiting room
tears flowing like rivers
which, of course, caused concern for the nurses to which 
they had the counselor come check on me once i got into a room
and of course i dumped out my troubles on them
kind of sad, really, the whole thing
must have been quite the spectacle
middle aged long haired man sitting there weeping 
well, a strong cold front has blown through and the winds
are blowing persistently, gusting and shaking things 
no warm person to cuddle up with and to just be
the bed will be extra cold this night to warm up
oh how i do wished we could understand truly, the real reason 
we're all here on this planet, dying and crying, loving and holding
why the world is the way it is
why people are the way they are
and why things seem to be getting so far away from beauty now
such a strange situation to think about
we all die inevitably, and such short lives we live
oh how i wished i could understand it all
i really do think often about if i had never been born

there seems to be a comfort in that thought for some reason
it's strange to me as well because, quite obviously i was born
well, the girl cat is playing with some of her toys and things
and intermittently coming to me to be petted in between
the room is cold and i am tired
i only slept for around 2 and a half to 3 hours on monday night
and then no sleep last night due to being in the emergency room
for the duration of the night
so im hoping tonight i will sleep as soundly as i ever have
and i hope i dream dreams of elation and magic
even though i know that when i wake up
those dream will be the means to my sadness once again 

øjeRum · Your Voice Remained Under The Moonlight And Above The Rooftop Of This Abandoned Forest

12-22-2020 12:05 am a rambling journal entry

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i once wandered through the field
behind my grandparents house
i went further in than i ever had before
because, of course, i was alone
pine trees, chest high grasses
would have been easy to hide in
i wandered around seeing what i could see
and then went back to the house
as i was going in, my chest felt a burning
and itching and i saw on my shirt
what seemed like a ball of lint or 
something like a piece of cotton
or fiber from the field
i tried to brush it off, and it stung me
in my chest, like a wasp 
you see, i was sent there to stay for a day
or two as punishment for something i did
that i can not remember currently
i was the only one there for those days
felt strange to be in that house...in the den
and laying down to sleep that night
to a black n white tv set 
was strange going to sleep when i felt like it
it was seemingly a refreshing thing
to get lost in space and time wandering in that field
the asp sting wasn't fun, obviously
seems like that moment when i went to lay down to sleep
lasted an eternity, hearing the cars down the busy road
outside, and the sounds of night in that area
i wished i could remember more memories
like that from when i was a child,
but for whatever reason, most of them were erased
at some point in my life
and most of these current days seem like a blur to me
but sometimes i try to stop and pause for a moment
to try to remember things from back then
a small part of me feels like it might be something
to be able to go back there and feel those feelings again
but alas, i think one time is enough
the stresses and pains, and heartaches of this life 
are more than enough reason to NOT want to go back
i often times wonder, what it must be like
for those that actually read this
how they might feel to read a man's suffering spilled out 
i'm glad and honored that they took time from their own lives
and took time to read my troubles and thoughts and feelings here
i also wonder where they might live
and who they are and what pains and sadness they have had to endure
i can only hope that i don't burden them and make them sad
from reading all my rambling of emotions and such here
i know most all of my writings here are very depressing and such
but it does kind of help to, at least, get some of it out
and to put it here so that, perhaps, someone can read it
thanks for taking the time out of your day
and/or night and thanks for reading this
i see the beautiful field in the distance there
whenever i close my eyes and think of love
the one with the tall grasses and beautiful flowers
and the trees that sway like ballet dancers
i can see the waves of winds in the grasses
and the place where we can lie down and let the wind blow over us
it's nice to share with someone you love
with someone that loves you
but those places are bleak when loneliness is around 
when your heart withers from no love
those places can make the sadness waves turn into tsunamis
and so i try to stay in the spaces where i can maintain
where i can forget the sadness of my broken heart
and the pains and sufferings of life
to avoid the shame of the failure of a life i've lived
and to avoid the defeat of the constant mistakes i've made
for now, i just wished there was someone that cares 
someone to hold me and cuddle me as the emotions of my life
explode out from me in the form of tears
but alas, i have a cold empty bed to have to warm up instead

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne

12-16-2020 12:41 am

as usual
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my mind is blank,
absent some form of active thought
most thoughts rise like smoke in grey skies
the cold temperatures have arrived
laying down, at night, in an empty cold bed
a wait for my own body to slowly warm it
you see, it takes traveling to the moon alone
to gain an understanding
and learning to communicate with 
empty spaces and with silent things
the girl cat is currently eating
she still dreams in ways i can only wish for
it's like i'm walking on a small globe
constantly down a hill
struggling to keep my feet grounded
and shaking with each step i take
each step wants me to move faster and faster
.....that kind of gravity is the heaviest of all
all the while, i only want to lie down
on the ground and just gaze, endlessly, at the stars
oh, im tired....oh so very tired
an empty plate is just as heavy as a full plate
always nice to have a balance
but alas, i wouldn't know what balance even is
i see balance out there across the chasm of nothingness
a chasm of nothingness that has surrounded me
and marooned me on this small globe
and on the other side of the chasm
i can sometimes see beauty unimagined
small glimpses that seemingly torture me from afar,
jabbing and poking and prodding me to tears
perhaps similar to how a caged bird must feel 
the holidays are here which in turn means my birthday is near
it will be 45 years since i took my first breath of air
feels like so much longer than that
and often times i feel far far older than that as well
now days i often think of what is to come
feeling these emotions, thinking these thoughts
expressing them out to feel some relief
relief that someone might read it
and in their own mind, they might care
the future is so scary to me now
what happened to me?
did giving up drinking really put me here?
nah, i've just had time to feel and reel in
all the emotions i avoided while i did drink
it's all catching up to me i guess
perhaps if i ever finish my auto-biography
i should call it "How NOT to Live Life"
the weight of my life seems heavier than 
any stone or mountain or even planet
and my shoulders are crushed
with most all the bones broken
if only i had some drive left
if only i had a reason to push on...to fight on
instead i feel as a party balloon in the gutter
holes in it, ran over, dirty water soaked
unable to hold any air
sometimes i get tempted to answer the scam calls
on my phone, just to have someone to talk to
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
if only i had someone that cared
someone that really and truly cared
if only i could feel a hug
a real and true hug
how amazing it would feel
how humbling and warm it would feel
but my thinking of it right now
only makes me so incredibly sad
so insanely sad, that i'd rather stop thinking for right now
perhaps the magic of beautiful dreams will
massage my weak and frail mind whilst i sleep
i plead for a reprieve

øjeRum · Jorden Under Stille Vand

11-10-2020 21:02

as usual, scroll down 
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i find it more and more difficult to watch movies
as the loneliness has grown beyond what i
could imagine or think up
watching movies reminds me of what i don't have
it reminds me of those dreams i thought i had forgotten
and they always bring up that sadness
left behind after a middle aged lifetime of heartache
and rejection and failure 
that empty remnants of what was once a heart
every time i think i'm floating away from it all
some dream or some thought comes out of nowhere
and blasts me back down to the ground
and these days movies do this every single time
so now, i have stopped watching them
not much left in the way of distractions
i can feel imagination slipping
harder to try to imagine things....to imagine beauty
harder to drift into day dreams of magical lands
with pleasant breezes...an air of refreshment
i feel as a fireplace mantle in an abandoned house
coated in layer upon layer of dust
nothing but dust covered ash in the fireplace underneath
and my thoughts are too in the same sort of dust covering
i can feel air withering like lianas in dead forests
thoughts crumbling like stale bread crusts
an exhale of dry warm air onto weakened heartbeats
a song sung out of tune with a scared and weakened voice
a whip of thorned words shreds the tear drops from
unseen eyes...eyes that watch like stars in night skies
i see arms stretched open calling me home
and a bottomless canyon between 
i ride an engine car alone
and what words without thorns do i find?
only my own words that circle around my head
only my own thoughts that have 
ten million miles within them
drifting like bleached, weathered wood 
beached onto shores of the infinite spaces 
the infinite spaces of nowhere
a wandering soul floating through the vastness of empty space
plagued with loneliness
well, it's a choice really.
either the loneliness, which has some solace
or the further destruction of the crumbled
shreds of what is left of my heart
oh if only i could find proper words that would justly
describe what this feels like to me
the loneliness of nothing
there is literally no one on this planet
that understand or feels this alienation that i feel
and that i have felt all 44 years of my life
times when people give strange reactions to words or 
thoughts that i say
and the times when i thought i was connecting
was, potentially, nothing more than illusion of thought
and all the times i've reached out for love, acceptance
for a hint of normalcy have been met with crushing blows
or to have been strung along like a pet on a leash
only hints or tastes of things 
and being outspoken and seeing things from a different 
perspective gets me even further alienated
i can feel my emotions and thoughts drifting towards
a desperate darkness...not a darkness like evil
but rather a darkness like the nothingness of empty, outer space
i find my emotions and sadness and loneliness have begun
to visit me almost daily now and my tears fall frequently
i fear the solace that i find in my isolation is slowly fading
and that the echos of my dying thoughts and dreams will be 
consumed into the eternity of nothingness
but perhaps then, there will be no more suffering on either level
neither here nor there
alas i think nature will just have to take it's course
i fear any actions that i might take would only be 
an exercise in futility
the methodology of futility
listen, i think can hear them in the far off distance
probably just mistaking the winds of my mind
for them calling out to me
those that may be reading this

øjeRum · Carrying All Of Her Poems The Moon Wanders Through The Fog

10-25-2020 11:00

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it was a great idea and great feeling
to want to go out and love the world
to live and laugh and love
to run around carefree with delight in all things
but the chains of reality are thick
chains of fear 
chains of pain
chains of safety
chains that have still kept me from 
going and doing things and enjoying
the beauty of this world
oh, i've gone for drives around
visiting places of old that i once visited
rolling the windows down and feeling 
the magic of air swirling and blowing
seeing people from the comfort of 
a car and them in theirs
maybe a smile and a nod
maybe a pleasantry of motioning
someone to go instead of me
but still the isolation inside the car
i'd love to go for walks or hikes
especially for health purposes
my body knows it sure could use it
but the world, even with it's beauty
is as caustic as ever before
there is no solace or escape
except, perhaps, in the inevitability of death
even now, as people are being mentally 
herded like cattle into mindsets and behaviors
herded by medias and talking heads
leading us to anger and separation 
people picking out all the mistakes
and bad decisions someone has made
as if they all themselves have never made any
people expecting the world to be perfect 
and yet ignoring the fact that we as
human beings are imperfect
and so too the world is imperfect
and that expecting perfection
from imperfect beings is not logical
it's not logical and will always lead
to disappointment which in turn will lead
to all the other forms of negativity
people have forgotten the way
they are lost, wandering with no direction
confused as to why they are angry
the TRUE reasons as to why they are angry
it wouldn't even occur to them to perhaps
go back to how we all once used to think
before the medias and social medias and 
hive mind set mentalities took control
and guided them all to today's realities
the days back when people didn't care about
the mistakes or bad decisions of others
they didn't care about each others differences
when we just looked at each other and saw
the truth with no separation or nit-picking
when we saw that we're all here on this planet
in different countries with different cultures
all of us doing the SAME things
living and doing what we can to live
doing what we can to be happy and healthy
being an outsider looking in, 
i've always took a step back and away to view
this world and this life
being that i do not use any form of "social media"
and having been in this extended extreme isolation 
i often reflect on what once was and what is now
seeing what was different between the two
the changes that have occurred
the things that could be the causality of the troubles
that now plague the so called "modern" world
but oh, what would i know?
i'm a middle aged man struggling within myself
torn with what i once dreamed of and what i have now
and also wrestling mental bears
bears that win the wrestling more than i win
and the swirl of thought that can choke out
the wind from the trees that sway within it
and the plethora of emotions that can cloud up
with the rain of ten billion tears
tears that build up and flood the fields of beauty
the fields of beauty within my mind
like a raging hurricane clearing trees like nothing
i call myself an outsider
because for most of my life i've felt like such
someone on the outside looking in through the window
and the only times i've EVER felt like an insider is when 
i've felt loved, really and truly loved,
and, of course, that has been seemingly rare in my life.
(i don't mean blood related family love either
such as mom, dad, brother, sister)
well, i don't hold much hope for this world
this society, such as it is
being an optimistic realist, i hold some hope
but i don't let that hope get too high
as my life is chained down, 
so too are my hopes for society.
my dreams and aspirations
the ones that are somehow still left
are also chained down
one day ill be a forgotten memory faded away
faded away into nothingness
and even these words i type out here
will eventually be long forgotten
but maybe someone, somewhere in this world
can read this and perhaps think about this life
and perhaps they can get just a little something
out of my mind's contents and struggles and thoughts.
and maybe they wont feel as i feel 
the loneliness of ten billion lifetimes

9-29-2020 01:20

this is more of  a
typical journal type entry 
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i have arrived at a cliff
a crossroads so to speak
the future, for so long,
seemed far away
like a satellite in orbit
until now
i see a path that has opened
and i feel it in my bones
to up and follow it
i can not say with certainty
why or where this came up from
but i feel like im being prodded
in that particular direction
the one routine that ive depended on
the one coping mechanism that
has been a mainstay for me
for around 20 years
will become a thing of the past
as for my chains ill just deal as best i can
a new perspective has come into view
my eyes fixed on potential
on a structured and purposeful life
oh this life, this life
so incredibly short
such a small amount of time
and to let go of everything
and dive into isolation
to envelop myself into it
getting lost in the minds spaces
lost in time's blur
to feel loneliness like i never have before
and, seemingly, out of nowhere
to arrive at this cliff
it's almost as if a light switch
has been switched on by a force
unknown to me
almost a spiritual force
all i need to do is jump
jump with optimism
into it all
i had felt a slight build up
for the past few weeks and month or so
like a reckoning building
it's as if i had to go into extreme isolation
as if the only way to begin to see
was to jump headlong into loneliness
the bitterness of a thousand years
oh i was filled with it
anger and bitterness...
those only act as cancer does
they eat you alive
and in fact is contagious
an example of this is the road rage
people often times have these days
and it's so easy to see how it can
turn into hate and rage
and close-mindedness
luckily i don't think i got that far
before this prodding hit me
an actual force that i felt in my body
i am here to love
we all were created to love
love each other
love our friends and family
it takes time to get herded into 
certain mindsets like anger and hate
that kind of pressure has to build up
and build up it does when we hold onto 
those things in life that hurt us
or hold on to the things that angered us
yet at the same time, 
love comes so easy and natural to us
not much effort, actually
no different than breathing air
sometimes it hits like a bolt of lightening
and so ive decided to love the world
even if i don't get the romantic love
even if i never do get that kind of love again
i can just give love to the world
to people, to family, to those in need
to share kindness every place i visit
even if i do end up wandering the earth
to begin to care about myself again
to be able to fly in skies of potential again
the very things that i feared for so long
yes, the world is strange, 
people are strange
but there's is incredible beauty in that
so many things to do and see
people to meet and love
places to go and share kindness
to share love
i think the world could use more love
love one another
give love and kindness
share love
we all were made to love
we all were made to share kindness
and so i embark on love for the world
and yes, i dream of magic and beauty
and yes, i am waiting to see what tomorrow
has in store, what kindness and
love i can share to someone
a musing on definition
on a life with purpose
and perhaps i will be able to
share love and kindness with you
those that read this

moshimoss · "Paris,Texas,Yamanashi" ambient live at Shibuya 7th Floor 2014.07.13

9-23-2020 01:12

i was listening to this song
and became overwhelmed with thoughts
that i felt had to be spilled out here
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i've stubbed my toe on cemented thoughts,
as the sirens call from distant dreams
and like a lost cloud,
i float through eternity's embrace,
following the trails of those
who came before me
a wandering of souls in the wells
and beaches of infinity
clouds swirl with the wind's
paint brush strokes
as the sun cries in anguish
while it dazzles us with the magic
of it's setting rays on the horizon canvas
and all the while most heads are bent down
fixed on devices and at the artificiality
of "social medias"
too hypnotized to see the truth
to see the magic of real life
and so some of us have retreated
retreated to isolated days and ways
hiding away from the banality of
modern life, and the modern societal ways
and we have taken to talking to no one
and everyone that might see
i talk aloud to my cat,
i talk aloud to the television,
and I talk aloud to videos I watch online
as though I were talking to another person
a minds attempts to compensate for
the isolation of a year
the isolation of what seems like eternity
a windows view of an empty backyard
an aged chain link fence
of which is older than i am
i watch the changes of time
the trees and human interactions with nature
the cutting of tree limbs and grasses
the occasional pet that wanders along
and i watch in silence as, often times,
they are completely unaware of my presence
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
well, i guess most all of people
in this world are unaware of my presence
and perhaps that is just fine by me
as there are alot of hunters at the ready
slowly, dreams and aspirations seem to
be getting buried into nothingness
buried down and forgotten
as the blur of time and isolation
pours heavy the soils of absence
the weather has been beautiful
for the past two days
rainy overcast skies and cool temperatures
the suns light behind clouds of beauty
pouring it's soul out onto the earth
almost like a middle aged man
in an empty room pouring his soul out
on here for all to see

searching

completely undecided on this
i like and dislike it
and i think it is finished
and also unfinished
as per custom, scroll down
and click play first,
then read

look out across this field
don't you see?
don't you know?
you were out there searching too
wasn't too long ago
we've all been here searching
but there are no answers there
no answers between the blades of grass
that sway in the winds of words
no answer to pick from the flower stalks
or from the branches of trees
that dance in the sun's spotlight
painted mountains glow
feathered clouds hover
follow the blade of grass that
beckons the way to nowhere
follow the chirp of birds
to swirl around in circles
you must see this, don't you?
searching infinitesimally
you were out there searching too
out among the others
searching for something that
we cant quite figure out
searching for the answers to questions
we've asked before
questions we don't yet understand
questions that we're not even aware of yet
looking for something to soothe the pains
of wounds, that often times,
we don't even remember
searching down mental corridors
down the late night city streets
and dance floor fantasies
searching at the bottom of bottles
bottles of forgetfulness or shame
to help us even forget our own names
to forget ourselves
falling down into beds of despair
into the webs woven by others
to trap and confine within the needs
of someone else also searching
saying all the right things
tickling all the right places in the heart
of dreams eternal
and when one of us falls
another comes behind us searching
searching in the same places
and in the same ways
making the same mistakes
or getting destroyed in the same ways
and a single blade of grass falls to the dirt
falls to the dirt

9/9/2020

scroll down first and click play
if it is not autoplaying
and then read, thanks for your attention

the days are growing shorter
as the sun is starting to set earlier
isolation with no inspiration
words trapped in cycles
flowing in circles
cold wind begins to blow
a sliver of feathery clouds in midnight skies
my favorite times were always
driving around between 3am and 5am
roads were quiet and with soothing aesthetics
oh how comforting it felt then
alone driving with beautiful sounds
empty roads while the city sleeps
the blanket of darkness and twinkling stars
and yet it was especially magical
during the cooler seasons
overcast skies with hints of the moon
taking a peak down on us weary wanderers
meandering around in the late night early morning
oh how i miss that comfort
comfort
rare are the days of late when comfort visits me
null are the days when my heart feels the warmth
of love and elation
i feel lost
huh, i feel worse than lost
a man with no meaning
no purpose and flawed design
i once thought to love might have
been my purpose
and indeed somewhere inside,
i think maybe it still is
but my view for the past year and some months
has been so far away
like being on the top floor of a very tall building
looking out from the observation floor
to the horizon, trying to see it out there
always wondering if i can fly as i gaze
some days i wonder what a jump like that would feel like
i had a dream about it the other night
would time seemingly stand still while falling
what thoughts would flood the mind
or would it be the first time to be free of thought
well, it was a comfort back then
to enjoy a night out on the town,
and then to go up to the top of a building downtown
and watching the horizon with the night sky
i often wonder why the night sky and
night time city lights seem so intriguing
why my favorite days are with
overcast skies and cool temperatures
why my path was always against the norm
if everyone was doing this one thing
i was always opposite of it
.....those paths are the loneliest and most narrow
why i couldn't ever conform to the norms
conformity always felt and still does feel
so bland and totally monotonous
oh, i've imagined many times over
how different life would be
am sure my path would be wide and filled with plenty
those thoughts always seem like just
another musing on purposelessness
oh, there's so many things, though, that i'd
like to do, places i'd like to go
distances i'd like to drive to
during the beauty of star lit skies and empty roads
the soothing comfort
driving endlessly
no destination, no plan
and oh how magical it would be to have
someone by my side that cared and loved me
we don't know loneliness until
we've been without human contact
without anything and everything
pertaining to friendship
or to love
we need love, we need friendship
as i've sat in this isolation
i've felt as a withering flower must feel
in an empty vase, on an empty table
and in an empty room of an empty house
energy withers, will is non-existent
i cant help but to cry
to feel all the emotions of my whole life
well up whilst in this isolation
the fear of everyone and everything
the overwhelming sound of thoughts
wrapped around my neck
choking the life of dreams and desires
out of my mind and into the tears of sadness
that flow down my worn cheeks
and to notice how heavy it feels to inhale and exhale
how heavy it feels to just be
a child is born, bringing happiness and joy
a lonely homeless man with out a past or future dies
and yes, a middle aged reclusive man
sits in an empty room spilling his heart out

lost in thought

for best results
scroll down and click play
if it is not autoplaying
and then read

lost in thought
like being in a darkened candle lit library
and as for him, he sits in an empty room
with walls like coffin lids
and time ticks not by the hands of a clock
but rather by sun beam awakenings of morning
and by the rising and falling of his chest with each breath
maybe more like frozen in time
while time passes still
staring into the emptiness
of the corners of the ceiling
random memories, thoughts from the past
bubbling like carbonation in cans of soda
those friendship days
those encapsulated in love days
those days were nice
traded for the isolation days
those remembering human contact days
those deafening silence days
no conversations, no warm body
oh he dreams sometimes
....he still wonders why she still visits him in his dreams
dreams that remind him of what once was
and that is no longer
dreams that make him question everything
the very minute he wakes up
and also dreams that bring the sadness of his heart to life
lost in thought
lost like once when he was in single digit age range
he got lost at the local mall
separated from his mother
oh how incredibly immense it seemed
and how tiny and small he felt
too few are the memories of his childhood
lost in thought

perception

a randomness of thoughts
as always scroll down and click play first,
then read

a drive down dark and desolate roads
nothing but a haze of the days pain
he was searching for death, you see
driving around for hours
getting lost on purpose
the rare street light giving it's yellow light
it went from daylight to night as he drove
sometimes it's nice to get away and think
he used to think that anyway
now it's just best to stay hidden away
what a strange thing perception is
how easily it can change
to see in one light,
and yet see it again in another.
funny thing to see it also change a
person's emotional state towards things.
every thought a picture
every view a stage
perception
what does a year's worth of isolation do?
how does it change perception?
and which view is/was the "right" view?
a year's worth of isolation
well, actually a year and one month
emotions? i may have forgotten them
rarely ever a laugh or a tear
mostly a state of nothing
but in that nothing, there's no pain
no chance for the hunters to have their way
no chance for the tiny slither of what
is left of my heart to get shattered again
a full year and one month and it went by
in a blur of repetition
a repetition that makes you forget days
and weeks, even months go by unnoticed
till the summer heat arrived
and gave a simple reminder of the days
oblivious to perception at times
oblivious to himself
and it's sometimes obvious to him
of the negatives of things
a full year wasted, one more year older
the extremity of no real human interaction
until a few days ago when two contacted him
that perception or view was welcomed
there's that word again, perception
eyes see and minds think
thoughts sink and emotions rise
perception

thought collage - a journal entry

this has sat, unnoticed, in my drafts
for well over a year now
not sure about it, but here it is
scroll down and click play,
then read 

he sits weakened, arms weak and head heavy
coughing and sinus congestion reign supreme
neighborhood dogs destroy his solace in silence
they perform a tag team ballet destroying peace
destroying sleep and sanity
unchecked cacophony of barking
day after day a non stop barrage
a cup spilling over from being filled up too much
the sun and the birds are oblivious to these things
they fly in skies of beauty in peaceful melodies
the clouds showing them the way to bliss and magic
all together they form a unison of solace
a dream for the broken down and weary wanderers
and let's not forget the trees and plants
waving and swaying in the magic of cool breezes
he watches them with a heavy heart
watches their dance, their contentments
.....a struggle to focus on things
powerless is putting it very lightly
the way a battery powered toy must feel with no batteries
a car with no gas
a hungry child with no food
he sat for a moment and thought
"how can people live in the world and not know that
simple things like an unruly, barking dog can
completely destroy the peace and solace in a persons world?"
a vacation or evacuation
i must be missing something here
ahh, once again he's done it
he sometimes slips up and says i instead of he
he is more flawed than good these days
OBSOLETE

fading days, time lost 8-13-2020

written a few days ago,
but only now posting
since i can not decide
if it is finished or not
as usual, scroll down
and click play, then read.

 

dry eyes and a weary countenance
absent thoughts or a torrent of them
i still drown when i focus on them too much
love is an echo down a big and deep canyon
can you hear it?
i've forgotten what it sounds like
hung across dreams of old
lost in a distant memory of fading days
a plateau of collected and faded memories
dim are the lights in present days
a blur of repetition
the days fly by like rockets into space
a fading of me into the past
into the lonely shores of time lost
time lost....
like a lost toy, lost car keys, a lost child
fading days, yeah
no stars in the sky of loneliness
no affirmations or pleasantries
extreme isolation
a cold embrace of nothing
no warmth of another
no fracture of the rooms' silence 
fading days and time lost

well, it's been a while
my boy cat sam died while on the way to the vet
he became too weak to move
around and eat anymore
inevitability
death will come to us all
the girl cat still goes on dreaming in her ways
and as for me? well let me see
i went from one extreme to the exact opposite
a people person to being afraid of people
a socialite to an extreme shut-in hermit
an interaction of futility at best
living life through small glimpses from
bedroom and living room windows
i've removed any and all social medias from my phone
was just a musing on purposelessness after all
i also no longer watch or read ANY news at all
not that i ever really paid much attention to it anyway
to be honest i think everyone should take some time
disconnected for a bit and get back to true reality
my health wavers although i don't know for certain
since i haven't really been to a doctor in years and years
but from some of the symptoms ive felt the past month or two
i'd definitely say something was amiss
well, the future is so damned uncertain for me
sometimes it is unnerving to me as well.
but most days im indifferent to it all
if no one has ever fought for me,
why should i fight for myself?
misguided youth that dissolved into adulthood
yes that's me, the non conformist with the long hair
just hiding in the shadows of the bedroom walls
and perhaps in the distant and fading memory of others
those that knew me.

can you please?

this randomly came to my mind
and so here it is
click play if it's not 
auto playing and then read 
thanks for your attention 

put your hands on my face and hold it there
and look into my eyes of loneliness
can you see anything left?
please tell me if i still exist or not
tell me if you see any light at all left
in my weakened and hollow eyes
will you hug me close and cuddle me so
soothe away the memories from childhood
of wanting to be cuddled and loved
and to be left on the floor to fall asleep
and finding comfort in the cool slate floor tiles
and the puddling of my tears on the floor
put your arms around me and squeeze me tightly
and let me feel the radiating warmth of your soul
look into my heart of brokenness
can you feel anything left?
please tell me if i can still feel or not
tell me if you can feel any warmth left at all
in my broken and shattered heart
will you love me truly and cherish me so
calm the aches and pains within
love me even in my brokenness
let me feel the magic of your soul
can you please?

someone to listen 5/9/2020

scroll down and click play
if it is not auto playing 
before reading for best results
thanks for reading 

hi, can we talk?
just need someone to listen to how i feel
someone that might care enough to hear 
i rarely ever truly give myself time to think anymore
just a nonstop rush from each waking moment until sleep
i repeat and redo every single day
even my dreams have slowly turned into a mere
recollection of the last things i saw or thought
about before closing my eyes
a heavy breath, a deep sigh
mere skips in the pulse of my modernized norms
my responses to life are, to some, not healthy
my responses to my own bad decisions are not healthy either
in 2 months time i will have been self isolated for a full year
feels strange and ok at the same time
oh, i do long for true interactions
i long for a hug, a real loving embrace
to feel loved like no other love
to be touched emotionally as well as physically
but alas i fear life, such as it is
easier to be lonely these days than to be otherwise
my mind whirls like a hurricane
thoughts flooding and often overwhelming
a torrent of emotions and feelings, yet all the while
i continue to feel complete melancholy
a deafening melancholy so profound that it echos
a melancholy so strong that i often wonder
if i can even feel emotions anymore
sometimes i do feel sad, when a movie
or a song plucks at the deeply buried memories
deeply buried emotions from childhood
from a broken and shattered heart
the confusion of living in a world you've
NEVER been able to relate to or even to
grasp it enough to get it going on fine
i often think of the future, of what will become of me
when i finally do decide again to follow a want
in my head, an idea, a desire, a dream
i wonder if there's anyone else that understands these
mundane things that flow through my worn mind
i suppose one day ill be too old and dying for any dreams
it might be time for me to perform a life inventory so to speak
not that there's much left to go through
i do not own much, not that i ever did
i do get nervous about it...the future i mean
lately i've felt a strangeness building in me
a kind of time pressure
or as if a don't have much time left in this world
even had dreams about it
makes me feel sad too, since there are a few things
that i would like to experience before my days come to an end
of course i expect none of those things to come to fruition
quite to the contrary
oh, i hope i'm not boring you to death with all this
i really don't have anyone else to talk to about things
i can say i do feel ashamed of myself for the
folly of a life i've lived
that is a heavy weight for sure
like trying to swim with a 200 pound anchor
attached to your legs
i'd like to tell you that things have changed,
that i'm doing great and on the up
but that wouldn't be true, obviously
i am a realistic optimist though, so who knows?
so i see life in optimism but at the same time
i see it in a realistic stance
perhaps my perception is flawed? what do you think?
well, leaves will still flow in the breezes of spring optimism
rather i'm here or there, rather i speak these lonely words to you
or i go unheard for a thousand centuries
it was always one of my hopes that someone
would see these words and understand
and for them to care...really and truly care
so that those exploding echos of cold empty spaces
would bloom, forever, into magical fields of warmth
and that my tiny broken heart would be held as if it were
the single most valuable thing in existence...forever
that i can feel the radiating pulses of love through
my broken down body and mind
rejuvenating it to a state of  total elation
oh dreams...such lonely lonely things
sorry to go all emotional on you here
but sometimes i do need to get some things out
i'd go crazy otherwise
well, i just decided to stop from my norms
to think for a few minutes
and all of this came flooding to my head and heart
just like ive pulled away from life, ive also been
starting to pull away from the things i once enjoyed
especially since those things don't bring joy to me anymore
and so ive started to imagine myself in places impossible
imagined living in the past in pioneer days,
imagined living in a forested mountainous region
ive wondered about seeing the full extent of the stars
in a night sky that has no light pollution whatsoever
and living there, but alas, those things are
just more dreams and things to make the loneliness come
back to me once again
well, i suppose i should stop thinking now
it's most comfortable, these days, when i think less
thanks for listening to me, it's nice to have
someone to talk to about all this
......i wish

3-17-2020

as always, scroll down
and click play first, then read
a journal entry of sorts,
but mostly just rambling  

well, let me see now
there's not much to tell these days
i don't do anything or go anywhere
unless absolutely necessary
the last i actually hung out with people
was july 7th of last year
being a hermit has it's perks
but mostly it's a solace in isolation
it's not that i'm anti-social
but rather i'm tired of being
wounded while i'm already weakened
while ive already had the majority of
my essence beaten out of me
i grow weary of the world and of people
i fear most people these days,
not because of sicknesses or viruses, haha
but because i fear their intentions
i fear that, just like all the rest of them,
just want to syphon the bits they want from me
and then when they get their fill
they toss me aside like an empty soda can
i'm too old to feel that way anymore
and so, when i do have to go somewhere,
i avoid conversations as best i can, if i can
i mostly keep my eyes low and walk fast
with purpose, to get in and out as quickly as possible
i don't write much at all anymore
i don't really do anything much anymore
i especially try not to think, that's the hard part
i was making music again for a little while there,
but i found it only made me feel worse
there's not much creativity left in me anymore
there's more than enough thought in me,
but thinking is not my strongest asset,
not that i have any assets at all....
loneliness? i AM the definition of the very word
oh how i miss those blue slate floor tiles
always there to catch my tears
and comfort me to sleep through troubles
troubles that never relent, that will never go away
troubles that make me afraid to live
and so i hide away, a melancholic solace
well, the weather has been beautiful the past few days
overcast skies, a little rainy at times, and nice temperatures
there's some beauty in it all
looking out of the window,
i see it's almost time to mow the grass again
but i'll let it grow a bit more
i like it when the grass is up a little high
but not too high, just enough to see
the wind blowing through blades of grass
the cats are up to their usual ways
dreaming and living in constant contentment
playing and sometimes fighting,
but alot of sleeping and dreaming
as for me, bah, who cares anyway
no more waiting to see what happens
just a musing on purposelessness

loneliness?

originally wrote this sometime
in september of last year
but only just now deciding to post it:

this came to me while
listening to the song below
for maximum effect
click play if it's not
auto playing and then read

most don't know what loneliness is
they think of it as a memory in passing
being single for a while and sad
loneliness is an isolation of a soul
imprisoned from the rest of the world
an alienated person tossed aside like
old shoes with worn soles
even worse when the person is looked down upon
loneliness is an out cast from birth
second best and second rate
doing the best they can but it's not good enough
loneliness is a failure of a life
giving up and wasting away
a train that crashes into a steel wall at terminal velocity
loneliness is a tear shed from an aching or broken heart
a heart that loved so much,
but got left behind every single time it opened up
loneliness is an empty husk, the shell of a heart
what remains after the world and it's hunters got a hold
nothing but bones, cartilage, sinew, and offal left
after the hunters take their pick of the good meat
loneliness is the reflection of a mirror in an empty room
curtains blowing in the wind a comforting sight
loneliness is a contemplative mind with no one to talk to
like screaming down an empty hall
no one to hear, no one to care
loneliness is writing these pointless words into this blog
a pouring of me into a place where no one cares
loneliness is an over weight, middle aged man
sitting in an empty room
trying to find the strength to find a reason for being
trying his best to stay alive
loneliness is finding a comfort in the thought of no tomorrow