even my loneliness must feel lonely

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i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely

3-7-2021 11:45 pm

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i can hear the rumbling of a train
running down the tracks not too far from here
my mind wonders if there's any 
train jumpers or hobos as they were once called
i wonder what they're thinking
the street here is busier than usual
for a Sunday night
with some rumbling of loud trucks n cars
all of which seem to have something to prove
to people that, are mostly, unaware of them
or the boom boom from their stereos 
that they, seemingly, want you to hear
i can feel time ticking in the air
each second that passes
like when wind blows on your skin
my view is out of a window encased in
one of four walls that i am encased in
but no crown jewels here
nothing sacred or precious
nothing more than chewed bubble gum
but i digress
sometimes a neighborhood cats visits me
in passing, sometimes aware of my presence
and other times unaware
but i wish it well with a whisper in the air
there's a few cats that come by like that
but only the one that comes regularly
i sit with my mind and thoughts like rocks
rocks and stone formations that
with time, are carved into ways and shapes
carved by winds or by waters 
my mind carved
carved by words and punishments
by abuses and reactions and responses
my lines are cut deep
and again i digress
i watch and wonder as days go by 
like the minute hand on a clock
my reclusiveness seems to be
getting even more reclusive
with each rising and setting of the sun
my words also elude me as
i elude this world and society
like a ship at sea in the thickest of fogs
and nothing but the sound of the distant foghorn
to soothe the loneliness that hovers in the fog
i've watched seasons come and go
clouds form and then float away
i've watched the storms and rains come and go
i rarely ever see another person,
i only hear their sounds
i do miss seeing another persons eyes
and the pulses of emotions that lie within them
i miss seeing the steps they've took
that have led them into eternity's light
i sometimes will touch my own arm
to try to remember how a persons touch feels
and to try to remember what it is like to touch someone elses arm
i've watched leaves break off and fall to the ground
and then watched those leaves slowly decay
or wake up to see that the wind has carried a leaf away
i sit here alone typing words in the same fashion
a thought or emotion or feeling dropped here
like leaves from a tree 
leaves that get swept away into eventual nothingness
loneliness, well, let me think, i don't think i or
any of us actually knows what that means
what are words with no meaning?
what are lives with no love?
what are men or women with, seemingly, no purpose?
what is an injured animal that has crawled off to hide?
well, i feel sad these days
i feel deprived....of what exactly i've no idea
but am sure it is a deprivation of everything
but mostly a deprivation of socialization and of love
and as per custom, the shades of repetition that i paint
with my words and thoughts, don't vary much
they try to describe the view of my analytic eyes
i sometimes stop to listen for the sound of wind blowing
to know the world is still moving perhaps
yes, i still talk aloud to the television and to my cat
and i complain to no one as if someone 
is here to hear me and care
i can hear the sound of an airplane flying in the sky
can't help but to wonder who is on it and where they're going
what lives they live and what pains they've felt
i wonder if they have grieved loss as i have
i wonder if they're going on vacation to some beautiful magical land
the kind of places where dreams live
far far away from four walls with a window
and a lonely, defeated man who sits
watching life pass through glimpses out a window
watching life pass like the tears from his eyes
that are a constant flow
these days, i often times think, i don't deserve to
have the beauty of friendship or of love
the support of a friend or of a love
that, perhaps, i deserve the loneliness
that i deserve each and every pain that i've ever felt
i live, now, scared of it all, but i dream of doing
kind things for others
going out of my way to show kindness to this world
or spreading love and kindness that this world
so desperately needs
the fear remains from the last time 
from the last time i opened my heart wide
for a friend, for love, for companionship
and was only handed back remnants of my heart's contents
and so i rock back n forth in a chair and watch life pass by
and i feel the loneliness that is only written about in a few books
or in a blog of a middle aged man encased in the cold grasp
of isolation...the kind that eternity forgot
the kind that eternity forgot
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
but i digress
i can hear the bed calling my name
by the vibrations of my body
and the tiredness of my eyes and mind
as another midnight passes by 
another midnight passes me by
......oh 
           how lonely
                              i feel