even my loneliness must feel lonely

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i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely