7-29-14

1:32 am
it was a fairly bland day, i sat here thinking most of it
the randomness of watching a movie or two and some
youtube watching mixed in there.
been smoking cigarettes here and there lately
and i can definitely feel it in my chest
i also have that taste of it in my lungs/throat still
smoked about 5 or 6 on saturday night
and around 3 sunday night
listening to William Basinski's Silent Night
backed into a corner, he hides away
blending in with the wall and the end table
when i was a child, i used to crawl into the clothing racks/displays
that formed a circle and i'd crawl to the middle and look up at the ceiling
it felt so comfortable, safe, and strangely normal
this got me lost once at a big shopping mall here
and from what i remember it was a very surreal experience
there are scars on the tops of both of my hands right below
where the knuckles are that i got because of using them as a
way to run with my hands on the ground, they've been with me
ever since....i believe i must have been something like 6 or so
perhaps between 6 and 10 years old
i used to make random noises back then as well
my main noise was "whooooooop" or whooooooo"
i also remember that i used to somewhat act like the MadTV
character called Stuart acted
sad how it's mostly difficult for me to remember things
and memories from back then
to be a child, free from the knowledge of experience
free from the pain of brokenness
when the worst pain you feel is not getting what you want, haha.
or falling down and skinning your knee
of course i wouldn't go back and do it again, no thanks
i push closer to middle age now.....a year and a half away
part of me wants to fast forward to it
the girl cat sleeps on her pillow on the back of the couch
motionless, i wonder if she has dreams?
the boy cat is out of sight, but am sure he too is sleeping
as i wrote this the girl cat gets up and taps my arm
of course this startled me but funny nonetheless
i wanna crawl away into the center of a clothing rack/display
look up at the ceilings of whites or greys
and daydream forever, lost in dreams of beauty
those warm heaven dreams, those explosive passion dreams
crawl away......crawl away
sounds funny when i think about it,
i imagine my big body trying to crawl under to the center of a
circular clothing rack and trying to lay down in the middle of it
legs sticking out, bulky, buffoonish
as an adult, i want to lay there, light a wishing lamp and wish away into those dreams
i crawl away now, crawl into the center of dreams
i dream on

the ball of yarn

the cat sits still staring with intent filled eyes
focused on the ball of yarn on the floor
the ball of yarn sitting silent, solitary
unaware of the impending intent
the cat pounces claws extended, mouth open
the claws hit their mark and then some,
tearing into strands of woven fiber
severing some, snagging others
pulling some out and tangling the rest
the mouth bites down, the head shakes
then releases the ball of yarn and it hits the ground and rolls
the cat again focuses and pounces
claw and teeth tearing, cutting, snagging, pulling, and rolling
the damage, obvious
soon, the cat grows bored and moves on
then another cat sees the ball and history repeats itself
that silent, solitary ball of yarn
funny how similar we are to that ball of yarn

7-21-14

the heat arrives again melting the thoughts out of my brain
energy levels drop or is it that i'd just rather not be out in the heat?
maybe a combination of both
tightrope walkers and conversation talkers
attention seekers and people leaders
blind all the same
we've all got it all figured out, don't we?
i say nonsense, we're all blind
none of us know the way
those that stand out acting as though they have it all figured out
are the blindest of all, crashing into walls of thought and mindlessness
we have that commonality....blindness
i'm blind...my words, they're blind, my thoughts are blind
if we all understood our common blindness, maybe we'd love each other more
maybe we'd stop fighting and warring and killing and hating all the time
of course toss this heat into the mix and volatility ensues
this heat...both physical summer heat, and the heat of the world socially and "politically"
maybe this heat, has my mind in a madness enduced state making me
think upon these kinds of things or maybe there's more to it
this heat.....this heat.....

7-17-14

unusually cool temperatures here are welcomed with open arms
lots of rain and beautiful cloudy overcast skies.
my favorite kind of days....overcast and cool
unusual for mid july, but i love it nonetheless
feeling ok today, the struggle remains, but today is ok
strange dreams recently, well, my dreams at night are usually strange,
but the past few nights they've been unusually strange.
something like if Jiří Barta, Jan Švankmajer, and David Lynch teamed up for
a collaboration film.
the girl cat sits next to my chair where i sit, the boy cat is somewhere else
in the house, probably sleeping.
my mind is a plethora of randomness and dreams and routine
also lingering is a desperate darkness or sadness
it hovers in the after thought spaces where my mind encases
dreams and potential.
the world has gone crazy lately, all pushing for hatred and war
falsity and deception has become the norm
truth has become a negativity, lies a deceit have become good
we've turn the world upside down, actually, we've reversed it
things that should be important are not, and things that are important should not be
barkers preaching peace with bombs and violence
innocent ones erased as though they were the removed lines in a students essay
the best way to stop fights/fighting is with love
when you're arguing with your loved one and suddenly give them a hug
the anger and angst seems to vanish, doesn't it?
we fight fires with water, we fight hunger with food
why cant we fight hatred and war with love?
we only fight hatred and war with violence, which in turn breeds more hatred and war
well, we'll all just have to wait and see what is to become of the state of things today
i push on

yesterday i, apparently, didn't hit the post button and hit the save button instead
hence the posting today

a simple poem

when i write, it's how i fight
a struggle to survive, to stay alive
during the hardest of times, the strength my heart finds
as the fight grows, my mind sustaining heavy blows
i hold strong, this war seems so very long
longer than any other ever before
i speak clearly to you, my words oh so true
decibels, volumes, and meaning, the words like moonbeams gleaming
brightly lighting up the dark, always that warm little spark
waiting to be ignited, like a volcano erupting, we're excited
warming elation fills all, we've answered love's call
a once dried up river is now overflowing with life abundant

this rain

torrential rains, inundating my brain with rhythms of pain
rains of tears and words that haunt my ears
neither confirming or denying my very few fears
warm thoughts glistening like the dew of early morning
all the while just out of arms length distance
teasing and taunting like a live bait on a fisherman's hook
mouths hungry for nourishment baited by falsity and tortures
lives hungry and starved for love and acceptance

not sure when i wrote this, but it's an old one

today journal entry

with not much to say, he remains silent this day
no outside forces to persuade a formula of words....

i look tired, feel tired, and maybe sound tired today
the boy cat sleeps, the girl cat claws at her scratching post
my feet, arms, and head are still heavy
and yes i still imagine what my head would look like rolling
on the ground. my nose would definitely hinder the rolling.
or perhaps it would add a nice jump/bump effect to the roll
so it would be more like rolling with style.
rummaged through old boxes from my younger years the other day
found an old journal from when i was a teenager
it was my "alien" journal...i kept a log of ufo sightings that i used to see
it's funny to read it now....now that im older and tainted by experience
oh those teen age years, seems like such a long long time ago
they've been buried away, hidden like a lost treasure trove
buried away under piles of memories, heartache, oppression, and pain.
buried under piles of memories, happiness, warmth, dreams, and beauty.
the days are long and hot, sizzled brain, maintained by coolness and dreams
dreams of which sometimes have the opposite effect and
seem to taunt and torture me. keep me wondering endlessly
they even sometimes interrupt my ability to sleep at night
awaiting the next hour, the next day, the next dream
i sit