7-29-14

1:32 am
it was a fairly bland day, i sat here thinking most of it
the randomness of watching a movie or two and some
youtube watching mixed in there.
been smoking cigarettes here and there lately
and i can definitely feel it in my chest
i also have that taste of it in my lungs/throat still
smoked about 5 or 6 on saturday night
and around 3 sunday night
listening to William Basinski's Silent Night
backed into a corner, he hides away
blending in with the wall and the end table
when i was a child, i used to crawl into the clothing racks/displays
that formed a circle and i'd crawl to the middle and look up at the ceiling
it felt so comfortable, safe, and strangely normal
this got me lost once at a big shopping mall here
and from what i remember it was a very surreal experience
there are scars on the tops of both of my hands right below
where the knuckles are that i got because of using them as a
way to run with my hands on the ground, they've been with me
ever since....i believe i must have been something like 6 or so
perhaps between 6 and 10 years old
i used to make random noises back then as well
my main noise was "whooooooop" or whooooooo"
i also remember that i used to somewhat act like the MadTV
character called Stuart acted
sad how it's mostly difficult for me to remember things
and memories from back then
to be a child, free from the knowledge of experience
free from the pain of brokenness
when the worst pain you feel is not getting what you want, haha.
or falling down and skinning your knee
of course i wouldn't go back and do it again, no thanks
i push closer to middle age now.....a year and a half away
part of me wants to fast forward to it
the girl cat sleeps on her pillow on the back of the couch
motionless, i wonder if she has dreams?
the boy cat is out of sight, but am sure he too is sleeping
as i wrote this the girl cat gets up and taps my arm
of course this startled me but funny nonetheless
i wanna crawl away into the center of a clothing rack/display
look up at the ceilings of whites or greys
and daydream forever, lost in dreams of beauty
those warm heaven dreams, those explosive passion dreams
crawl away......crawl away
sounds funny when i think about it,
i imagine my big body trying to crawl under to the center of a
circular clothing rack and trying to lay down in the middle of it
legs sticking out, bulky, buffoonish
as an adult, i want to lay there, light a wishing lamp and wish away into those dreams
i crawl away now, crawl into the center of dreams
i dream on