10-29-14 with a recent experience

i went to a restaurant a few days ago and
i walked in and was lead to be seated at a booth.
my hair being that it's fairly long now had gotten
somewhat messed up from the wind and movements
of being outside so i was fixing it as i walked
i see a woman sitting at one of the booths
and i see that she has lost most of her hair
and i can see that it is more than likely cancer related
we looked at each other and it nearly felt as though
i had gotten stabbed...not by the way she looked at me
well, partially, but she didn't glare or look hateful,
but rather she looked sad
this bothered me immensely because the situation should
have been reversed...me with short/little/no hair
and her with the long hair
my empathy flowed heavily and i worked to keep back any tears
i wanted to cut my hair off then and there and give it to her
i didn't even know the woman and yet part of me
wanted to trade places with her
not really sure why, perhaps since my grandmother died of cancer
when i was 10 or 11 and my father is a cancer survivor
although his case was minor, it was still cancer nonetheless
being that i am emotion and empathy filled these days, i think
that's also partially why it weighed so heavy on me
i could see in her eyes the tears that she seemed to have
on the inside as i walked past her.....slow motion at that
or so it seemed
by the time i was finished eating and was leaving,
the woman had already left and was gone
but i thought about her still, hence my writing this
i thought of all kinds of things since then
imagining different situations and circumstances
my mom, my sister, my relatives
i haven't had the privilege of having a sustained relationship
or a marriage or anything, but even that entered my mind
if i was married and it was my wife
i even imagined it being me.
strange....

the recent days of mine have been inundated
by insomnia, almost a week straight of difficulties
in sleeping and staying asleep
the monotony of being dead tired and laying in bed
waiting to fall asleep...minutes seem like hours
hours seem like years and all the while you're tortured
with the thoughts of sleep and being asleep, the peacefulness
then thoughts of the day, thoughts of personal struggles
thoughts of loneliness, life, and for me, my world, my dreams
so it's no wonder that i have to say i feel tired and worn out these days
sometimes i feel like i have too much empathy
some movies that aren't even sad, make me cry
those love movies that only some cry to, i bawl my eyes out to
movies that seem to be able to punch my heart, my emotions
i see someone fall or get hurt, i cringe as though i felt the actual
physical pain from it.
was a beautiful day today, nice breezes, nice temperature
and it is a beautiful night as well, the moon smiles down on me
and i can't help but wonder who else is looking up at it as well.
i wonder if someone else as lonesome and emotional as i
is somewhere looking up at it, someone stuck indoors, looking
out through the window at it. someone sitting outside in a hammock
looking up at it. a couple out for a walk, looking up at it.
two lovers madly and unconditionally in love laying in the grass,
looking up at it. their moon is also my moon and yet their world is
not my world, their love is not my love, their thoughts, are not my thoughts
their dreams, while beautiful, are not my dreams. a reality i often think about.
typing this out has made me cry like a baby and i've had to stop a few times
well, i hope that tonight that i can sleep as heavy and soundly as i've ever
slept before, i hope that my dreams while sleeping will be as beautiful
as my life dreams, i hope one day i can live in those dreams....one day.
anyway, night is covering the wasps next door and as for the cats.....
well they're up to their usual cat business with the girl cat sitting on the
back of the couch taking a shower/licking her fur and as for the boy cat,
im not sure where he is, actually.
i want to fly away, i want to escape the everyday,
i want to run away to the edge of dreams and love
i want to sail on the waves of passion and elation
i want to float on clouds of togetherness.
i want to drift away forever with you
anyway, i dream still..

10-27-14

i feel tired as insomnia has paid me many visits recently
the dreams when i sleep have been stranger than normal
some of which were slightly scarey or disturbing
i get the feeling as though they're supposed to mean something
but i usually just brush them off as the usual strange dream
still the hard punch of writers block hits me solidly
i search for the words, helplessly, not much to find
so, i see the wasps flying today, there's a sort of
comfort in knowing they're there scurrying and flying about
in and out of the crack on the neighbor's roof
and then there's the cats
the boy cat sits in the window in the dining room
watch, waiting, observing the happenings of the outside
the girl cat sits on the arm of the couch, watching me as i sit typing
she too, watches and observes
a loud helicopter flies over, shaking the windows of the house
vibrating the walls with it's annoyance of absurdity
looking out the window, i cant help but wonder if it is a nice day
the trees swaying in the breeze, sunny, perhaps warm
i will soon venture out into it as my stomach calls for nourishment
for sustenance.
soon i will be 39, too bad i cant fast forward to 40
that would be something
while i was looking at my posts and such, i see that
i have quite a good amount of drafts that i could post
but not sure about it yet so i guess that's why they're
still just drafts. i still wonder though.....
anyway, the stomach calls
i push on, i dream on, and the wasps scurry on

10-10-14

a storm in the distances calls out to me
telling me the future that will soon be
i have William Basinski - Silent Night keeping the mood
lonely day and evening.
a plethora of thought and emotion flowing
the girl cat watches me ever so intently as i type this out
the boy cat is in the bay window watching for the chance
occurrence of other neighborhood cats passing by
or perhaps he's watching things i'm unaware of
it would be nice to see life from a cat's perspective
just for a little while, maybe we'd all learn something
new about ourselves that would perhaps help ourselves?
my thoughts persistently going back to heaven
the occasional lightening flash temporarily lights up the
neighbor's roof where the wasps have taken up residence
the rain comes down hard now the ballet of it dancing on the rooftop
i used to say rain is the tears of the cloud after seeing life
how it is and how we live it and accepted it to be
it's hard not to also think about life's effects on us all
the coping, the learning, and most importantly of all the feeling
we all should feel more often, wear our emotions so to speak
not all the time, but from time to time.
anyway, the rain falls, the thunder rumbles, and my mind dreams on

on a side note ive been working on changing the look
and feel of this blog so it is a little more user friendly
so it's not so eye aching, hopefully it's working

10-4-14

such a beautiful day today, nice temperatures
warm, yet cool, breezes of comfort
i feel good today
no sign of the wasps so far
and the cats, well, the girl cat sits in my lap purring
the boy cat is probably laying in the bay window, stomach up
his slumber is probably as deep as any ocean
i still want a vacation to a mountain with a cave
and some animals, bicycle rides on the mountain side
with a splashing of water
my thoughts have been like ping pong balls
bouncing around all over add that to the writer's block
im already having and we get a dry climate of nothing
the times we are in are strange and alien to me
tons of insanity and madness, but still there's
good and love and beauty
hopefully there's a stable balance between it all
hopefully the world will not go to war with itself
hopefully things will calm  down to a soothing dance
a soothing dance of love and respect
anyway, hopefully soon this writer's block will lift
and gift me once again with lines of things to say
things like:
this beautiful day contrasted by a climate of war
and disease and hatred
this beautiful day paralleled by love and beauty
and solace
this beautiful day reminding me of heaven days

well, i push on, i dream on, i hold on