1-30-15 with more random thoughts going through my mind

A disappearance, sort of like a dance upon thoughts, 

thoughts that can drag on for ages and not actually age, 

and yet we still have no choice in turning the page.........in life.

i tire.....i tire for many reasons and many times over.

my heart hurts, my head hurts and i didn't even realize

that i have stubbed my toe once again.

feels as though the toenail has been torn and bleeding.

my mind dances, it dances the way a person may have

walked when they were forced to "walk the plank"

the effects of life is so bright that you can smell it

it's scent is so strong, you can feel it

it's sound is so powerful you can see it

it's happiest of days still brings the saddest of days

and on those saddest of days, we'd all like to be the happiest.

a disappearance, sort of like a thought in our minds

that fades slowly, the way the lights of an airplane in the night sky

slowly and surely fade to darkness.

the thought that fades but the memory remains

as do the emotions and feelings seared forever behind closed eyes,

behind opened eyes, behind crying eyes

still lingers the fingers of fantasy, of dreams and of happiness

here now, the malaise of better days trailing into the present

making that which is ongoing, that much more of a reckoning

the cruelest of the cruel, the most painful of pains,

the most struggling of struggles 

a lone child jumping in puddles after a rainstorm

oblivious to the mundane monotony of adult realities.

they're actually the ones that have it all figured out

we, as adults, like to think we do, but the older we get 

the further away from reality we become.

perhaps this is why Alzheimer's and dementia and other brain anomalies

come to us as we age.

cats have it figured out too, they understand what we wish, what we dream

what we'd like to hold in the palms of our hands

my old cat boogies visited my sleep dreams the other night
her soft soft long haired fur, her light purring, and small beads all over
the ground and carpets and floors of the room we were in.
a walk in the park, a nice country side drive, a car accident on a
busy downtown highway.

this initially started with the first 3 lines and was going to be solely built on them

but as i wrote the next 3 lines i noticed the thought traffic in my mind build up

so i decided to just dump them all as they came verbatim.

while doing that it felt like steps in a movement

so there it is unedited

a mixed up day today

it started normal and nice, then transformed into quite the lonely evening/night

nothing but the contents of my mind to keep me company

oh and the cats, although they're not around at the moment.

they're probably sleeping in their usual spots dreaming like we can not

it's difficult not to think about how life could be so much different

so much more beautiful and happy if only things had been different for me

the past few days were beautiful, unusually warm in the upper 70's to 

lower 80's and quite blustery a bit. like a spring day in the middle of winter

i have jeff bridges sleeping tapes with me right now and ive become quite

addicted to them....beautiful pieces of sound and voice taking me so
very deep into my dreams of heaven and love and beauty.

well, there's not much to it these days, just a cyclical repetition of days

anyhow, i dream on.......i dream on

have a listen: dreamingwithjeff.com/#_

about positivity

sometimes i want to write about the happiest of days
the happiest of moments
sometimes i want to write about beautiful endings
with beautiful beginnings and the in betweens
sometimes i want to write about the imperfections
that make a person perfect
sometimes i want to write the most beautiful lines
lines that remove the saddest of realities
lines that will dry the wettest cheeks
lines that will warm the coldest of hearts
lines that will touch the ones untouched
lines that will hug those needing a hug
lines that will take someone into dreams
of golden fields of love and warm and hugs
of beautiful moments that sparkle like the
light of the sun reflecting off the ocean nearing sunset
sometimes i want to write warm and happy and positive
but it only comes out of me when i have those things
so i have to wait patiently, dreaming, dreaming
dreaming of the day when it does come to me

1-22-15

it's cold and rainy now, here at 1:02am
i can hear the rain tapping on the window
i close my eyes and this causes me to almost
feel a tapping on my shoulder, a turning to see
beauty standing there ready to embrace me in
hugs, of course the image ends when my eyes open
and sadness taps my shoulder, perhaps those rain drops
tapping on the glass are actually sadness tapping,
reminding me it's there, it has company with it you see
my head stuffy and clogged, but feeling better than
yesterdays incessant sneezing and dripping nose.
of course today, the nose was peeling and irritated
from having rubbed it raw.
well now, let me see, my birthday nears
i've been wandering, walking for nearly 39 years
21 of those in the dark shadows while my eyes try
their best to focus on the light of dreams
i feel.......
well, i just feel...can't say i feel good or ok or
bad or anything, cant really even say i feel
melancholy, because even then it's not quite true
insomnia still visits regularly, my sleeping dreams
are still strange......so strange indeed.
sometimes those sleep dreams are sad ones
of my waking dreams, my aspirations.
anyhow, 11 years shy of the 50 year mark
kind of funny to think about, actually
especially since those 11 will fly by faster than the past 10 did
although sometimes, they seem to go slower, mainly
when times of sadness and sorrow are around.
well, nostalgia has been a theme for me lately
watching old movies from my childhood and teenage years
listening to old music, remembering old memories
looking at old photographs.
makes me think about my last writing i posted here
the shells left after shelling peanuts.
well, i think alot, not too much, but alot
wondering on all things, even now
but sadly now, at this time, doing that just brings
the tears of sorrow, of sadness, the tears tapping on my
minds' window reminding me that it too is still there,
heck, it even has a chair that it sits in
it moves out when love moves in.
love.....oh love the most precious of things
the most gentle and beautiful of things
brings the best out of all of us
no matter how cold it gets you're warm with love
no matter how scared you might get, you're safe with love
my heart longs for love, acceptance, the security of togetherness
alas, i sit alone, in an empty room with an empty glass on the desk
with a mind full of thought traffic and no one to tell it to
with no one else's mind to listen to, their stresses, pains, feelings
i miss the intimate entanglement of conversations
thoughts woven together like strands in a rope
ahhh, sheesh i sound like a broken record it seems
one day, my voice will go silent, one day
so, the cats are here too, up to their usual
the boy cats sleeps on the couch and
the girl cats sleeps in a back room
i wonder if the wasps will be back this year
and so, i sit here dreaming
what do you do at times like this?
times of leisure and of cold and wet weather?
something to ruminate on i guess
i dream on

intoxicated contents of my mind

tripped up, a stumbling fall
now aches the toes that were stubbed
or was it the heart that stumbled and fell
the aches persist like a loud ringing in ones ear
a shell of dreams and hopes, desires and aspirations
the left overs from shelling peanuts
it's easier to exhale than it is to inhale
a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, an ear that really truly cares
arms to wrap around me and squeeze me, hold me, embrace me.
still persists the arms of emptiness, loneliness, alienation
those are the ones i wish and long to be rid of
those 'how was your day?' days
those warm, emotion filled hug days
those passionate kisses and loving days
and so i just have to watch.......

they have it all, choking in completion, yet missing something.
they have it all, watching across fields of green and comfort.
they have it all, looking for others and sadness.
they have it all, laying down on beds of dreams.
dreams that others wish and long for.
those of us in the gutters, in the streets, in the hollow halls of sadness and despair.
watching them take advantage of simplicity and beauty.
ignoring the now,  and looking towards tomorrow left with sorrow. 

this was written while i was intoxicated 

sometime last night around midnight or so

only just found it in my drafts and figured

i'd go ahead and post it anyway

1-2-15

and so another year has gone and a new one arrives
last year wasn't as good to me as i had imagined it
of course im not going to get any hopes up, at least
not high hopes or elevated expectations, just awaiting
footsteps i hear behind me, who's are they?
oh yeah, just the shadow that follows me every year
every day, every second, every time i look down from
my most beautiful of dreams, my most beautiful of heaven
footsteps that have followed me so long that
i can almost hear and see their future footsteps
the plight of a better day, a better year, a hope and dream
just awaiting, well, that will have to do for now
i feel ok, a slight of sadness, a slight of anxiety, a slight of
the unknown trickling into the present.
the cats are up to their usual cat activities
the girl cat sits in the dining room window
watching, concentrating, and perhaps contemplating.
the boy cat lays on my bed resting, sleeping, perhaps dreaming.
it's fish for lunch with broccoli and a green and black tea mix
sometimes, now, when i eat fish i think of the fukushima
disaster and wonder about eating fish, oh well
a cloudy and overcast day today with a steady rain
although it seems to have stopped raining for now.
i love days like today except for the cold air
overcast skies and a nice 72 degrees fahrenheit
are always a beautiful and welcome sight for my eyes
suddenly my thoughts race through a torrent of memories
and slam out my eyes in the form of tears
tears that stream like the trail from a comet
racing through space unbeknownst to us
i dream of a day when the tears no longer burst out
of course this is a dream we all have, it's just that
some of us have alot more tears than others
sailing on a dream, surfing on a wave of hope,
getting hit in the face by the sadness of realities.
so, the new year? the hope for less tears
the quest for my vision to be clear
well clearer than it has been before
when the fear of opening that one door
is no longer there..fear...fear
afraid to live, not because of doubts or negativities,
but because of shadows following me, choking me,
holding me down in the gutters, in the sewers of society
not even human
alas, i hold on, i keep dreaming, and yes sometimes even praying
praying, praying, such a strange and alien word.

here's to your new year and the best of things
as for me, just awaiting, holding, dreaming,
i push on.