can you please?

this randomly came to my mind
and so here it is
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put your hands on my face and hold it there
and look into my eyes of loneliness
can you see anything left?
please tell me if i still exist or not
tell me if you see any light at all left
in my weakened and hollow eyes
will you hug me close and cuddle me so
soothe away the memories from childhood
of wanting to be cuddled and loved
and to be left on the floor to fall asleep
and finding comfort in the cool slate floor tiles
and the puddling of my tears on the floor
put your arms around me and squeeze me tightly
and let me feel the radiating warmth of your soul
look into my heart of brokenness
can you feel anything left?
please tell me if i can still feel or not
tell me if you can feel any warmth left at all
in my broken and shattered heart
will you love me truly and cherish me so
calm the aches and pains within
love me even in my brokenness
let me feel the magic of your soul
can you please?

someone to listen 5/9/2020

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hi, can we talk?
just need someone to listen to how i feel
someone that might care enough to hear 
i rarely ever truly give myself time to think anymore
just a nonstop rush from each waking moment until sleep
i repeat and redo every single day
even my dreams have slowly turned into a mere
recollection of the last things i saw or thought
about before closing my eyes
a heavy breath, a deep sigh
mere skips in the pulse of my modernized norms
my responses to life are, to some, not healthy
my responses to my own bad decisions are not healthy either
in 2 months time i will have been self isolated for a full year
feels strange and ok at the same time
oh, i do long for true interactions
i long for a hug, a real loving embrace
to feel loved like no other love
to be touched emotionally as well as physically
but alas i fear life, such as it is
easier to be lonely these days than to be otherwise
my mind whirls like a hurricane
thoughts flooding and often overwhelming
a torrent of emotions and feelings, yet all the while
i continue to feel complete melancholy
a deafening melancholy so profound that it echos
a melancholy so strong that i often wonder
if i can even feel emotions anymore
sometimes i do feel sad, when a movie
or a song plucks at the deeply buried memories
deeply buried emotions from childhood
from a broken and shattered heart
the confusion of living in a world you've
NEVER been able to relate to or even to
grasp it enough to get it going on fine
i often think of the future, of what will become of me
when i finally do decide again to follow a want
in my head, an idea, a desire, a dream
i wonder if there's anyone else that understands these
mundane things that flow through my worn mind
i suppose one day ill be too old and dying for any dreams
it might be time for me to perform a life inventory so to speak
not that there's much left to go through
i do not own much, not that i ever did
i do get nervous about it...the future i mean
lately i've felt a strangeness building in me
a kind of time pressure
or as if a don't have much time left in this world
even had dreams about it
makes me feel sad too, since there are a few things
that i would like to experience before my days come to an end
of course i expect none of those things to come to fruition
quite to the contrary
oh, i hope i'm not boring you to death with all this
i really don't have anyone else to talk to about things
i can say i do feel ashamed of myself for the
folly of a life i've lived
that is a heavy weight for sure
like trying to swim with a 200 pound anchor
attached to your legs
i'd like to tell you that things have changed,
that i'm doing great and on the up
but that wouldn't be true, obviously
i am a realistic optimist though, so who knows?
so i see life in optimism but at the same time
i see it in a realistic stance
perhaps my perception is flawed? what do you think?
well, leaves will still flow in the breezes of spring optimism
rather i'm here or there, rather i speak these lonely words to you
or i go unheard for a thousand centuries
it was always one of my hopes that someone
would see these words and understand
and for them to care...really and truly care
so that those exploding echos of cold empty spaces
would bloom, forever, into magical fields of warmth
and that my tiny broken heart would be held as if it were
the single most valuable thing in existence...forever
that i can feel the radiating pulses of love through
my broken down body and mind
rejuvenating it to a state of  total elation
oh dreams...such lonely lonely things
sorry to go all emotional on you here
but sometimes i do need to get some things out
i'd go crazy otherwise
well, i just decided to stop from my norms
to think for a few minutes
and all of this came flooding to my head and heart
just like ive pulled away from life, ive also been
starting to pull away from the things i once enjoyed
especially since those things don't bring joy to me anymore
and so ive started to imagine myself in places impossible
imagined living in the past in pioneer days,
imagined living in a forested mountainous region
ive wondered about seeing the full extent of the stars
in a night sky that has no light pollution whatsoever
and living there, but alas, those things are
just more dreams and things to make the loneliness come
back to me once again
well, i suppose i should stop thinking now
it's most comfortable, these days, when i think less
thanks for listening to me, it's nice to have
someone to talk to about all this
......i wish