as usual, scroll down
and click play if it is not
already playing, then read.
i find it more and more difficult to watch movies
as the loneliness has grown beyond what i
could imagine or think up
watching movies reminds me of what i don't have
it reminds me of those dreams i thought i had forgotten
and they always bring up that sadness
left behind after a middle aged lifetime of heartache
and rejection and failure
that empty remnants of what was once a heart
every time i think i'm floating away from it all
some dream or some thought comes out of nowhere
and blasts me back down to the ground
and these days movies do this every single time
so now, i have stopped watching them
not much left in the way of distractions
i can feel imagination slipping
harder to try to imagine things....to imagine beauty
harder to drift into day dreams of magical lands
with pleasant breezes...an air of refreshment
i feel as a fireplace mantle in an abandoned house
coated in layer upon layer of dust
nothing but dust covered ash in the fireplace underneath
and my thoughts are too in the same sort of dust covering
i can feel air withering like lianas in dead forests
thoughts crumbling like stale bread crusts
an exhale of dry warm air onto weakened heartbeats
a song sung out of tune with a scared and weakened voice
a whip of thorned words shreds the tear drops from
unseen eyes...eyes that watch like stars in night skies
i see arms stretched open calling me home
and a bottomless canyon between
i ride an engine car alone
and what words without thorns do i find?
only my own words that circle around my head
only my own thoughts that have
ten million miles within them
drifting like bleached, weathered wood
beached onto shores of the infinite spaces
the infinite spaces of nowhere
a wandering soul floating through the vastness of empty space
plagued with loneliness
well, it's a choice really.
either the loneliness, which has some solace
or the further destruction of the crumbled
shreds of what is left of my heart
oh if only i could find proper words that would justly
describe what this feels like to me
the loneliness of nothing
there is literally no one on this planet
that understand or feels this alienation that i feel
and that i have felt all 44 years of my life
times when people give strange reactions to words or
thoughts that i say
and the times when i thought i was connecting
was, potentially, nothing more than illusion of thought
and all the times i've reached out for love, acceptance
for a hint of normalcy have been met with crushing blows
or to have been strung along like a pet on a leash
only hints or tastes of things
and being outspoken and seeing things from a different
perspective gets me even further alienated
i can feel my emotions and thoughts drifting towards
a desperate darkness...not a darkness like evil
but rather a darkness like the nothingness of empty, outer space
i find my emotions and sadness and loneliness have begun
to visit me almost daily now and my tears fall frequently
i fear the solace that i find in my isolation is slowly fading
and that the echos of my dying thoughts and dreams will be
consumed into the eternity of nothingness
but perhaps then, there will be no more suffering on either level
neither here nor there
alas i think nature will just have to take it's course
i fear any actions that i might take would only be
an exercise in futility
the methodology of futility
listen, i think can hear them in the far off distance
probably just mistaking the winds of my mind
for them calling out to me
those that may be reading this
