for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
thanks for reading
blood is splattered all over the flowers
the flowers in the fields of potential
they cry for the sky to rain down
showers of cleansing
to be free of the blood of shame
unable to move because their roots are deep
they can see the blades of true defeat
moving towards them
and they cry for the sky to rain down upon them
showers of cleansing, of a reprieve
i cry this night like many other nights
but this night i cry out of desperation
it rained here yesterday and a little today
the weather has been nice with the cool temperatures
grey overcast skies a comfort to weary eyes
i sit with weakened legs arms and head
i am running off of 2 hours sleep last night
that first bit was written at the time listed
but abruptly ended due to being totally
overwhelmed by emotion
and ended up in me calling a crisis/ suicide
hotline thing and then it has sat in my drafts since
so instead of finishing ill just write what is
currently in mind
the neighbor's new dog drove me to craziness
today and had me outside yelling as loud as i could
possibly muster even louder than the dog
the dog woke me up early and had been
barking off and on the entire day
and my resistance to it broke
and sent me outside to yell and scream
like a mad man...well, i was mad
a build up from late night parties with booming bass or
yelling and screaming like children even though
they're in adult bodies
a build up of dog barking
and of partially blocking my driveway
with trucks or trailers for about 5 years now
well, i wished that dreams were tangible
like picking a fruit off a tree branch or vine
i wished that for once in my life i could have
at least one wish come true and stay with me till i die
but that actually requires wishes or dreams
i don't have anymore of those these days
no aspirations, no other forms of
disappointment
yeah, my mind has been absent of late
and my form is like spoiled milk
not so much the plastic bag in the wind anymore
cause at least with the plastic bag in the wind
it has form and movement
movement and form
when i really think about movement and form
my lonely mind, of course, immediately thinks
of the beauty of the movements and forms of women
like the way the air curls around them as they move
and how i can see paths form and soften for their feet
as they saunter along doing day to day things
ah well, i miss my old life and friends
the random conversations and interactions
a small part of me does, sometimes, miss the drunken stupor
but ive no desire at all to drink ever again
i just miss being a human being
at this moment i'm a mere after thought
a reflection of mistakes and bad decisions
i miss hugs and handshakes and how are yous
i miss the eyes of others and the unspoken
emotions that pour out of them
i miss companionships and loyalty and trust
this life ive chosen now, i can tell with certainty
is a slow death as my health has begun to decline
sleep apnea, weight gain, chest pains from time to time
the strange sensations, physically, i feel in my head
and the tinnitus that goes along with that
i often feel bad or bad and strange upon waking in the morning
like something is terribly wrong with my body
and it now gives me a little anxiety when laying down to go to sleep
once i woke up in the middle of the night gasping
for air, im guessing, due to the sleep apnea, but i also felt
extremely nauseous and very strange, so much so
i had to get up out of bed and walk around the house a bit
was very unsettling and fairly scary as well
and with no health insurance, it's a waiting game i suppose
i'd love to change my life and my ways
but like most things far easier said than done
and even harder still without a support system
with help from people that care, from friends
and professional help, of which probably also requires
some kind of insurance that i don't have
i imagine going on long walks and talking with a friend or friends
i every so often think how can anyone love me when i don't love myself
and how can i love myself when no one else does?
i used to like myself, not narcissistically, but just the normal way
but after 45 years of constant struggles, broken hearts, betrayals,
and abuses i could only think of one common denominator
involved in all of that....me and i must be flawed beyond the typical
and so i became angry with myself and with the world
so of course i began to dislike myself
and when i think of how to turn it around again, it seems so far away
like the very faint distant sound of an echo in a deep canyon
i just wanna live again, i just want to be a normal human being
with friends and love and support, not tossed aside like worn out shoes
i miss living very much, i miss going to music shows
i just plain miss feeling like a normal human being
instead of a hermit that is just merely existing
existing between the monotony of routine and distractions
between the stresses of noisy neighbor dogs or boom bass stereos
that rattle pictures off the walls, or the same neighbor
partially blocking my driveway or the burning out
or the obvious after market exhausts that are also so loud
that pictures on the walls get rattled
oh well, i know i gotta do something soon
before my health gets beyond repair
hopefully i will sleep well, this night
as another midnight passes by
