9-5-2024 23:34

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it's funny now, when i allow myself to start thinking,
contemplating things, how i immediately think
is it really worth the energy to think about this?
yet other times, a simple thought creates a chasm
of thought and sometimes i get hit by those deepened
feelings or sensations that i used to get when i was a child
some kind of super deep sensation so difficult to explain
i used to describe it like a calling, like something was calling me
it's happened alot more often lately, very often
i can never put my finger on it though
and i cant help but get the feeling that that is on purpose
as if im not supposed to figure it out
but i also feel that if i can ever figure it out that life will align
into place and that all things will come into perfect view
ah well, just a pipe dream i suppose
ive been maintaining a constant occupied mind, no thinking
no wandering of thoughts or emotions to trickle
up until this evening that is, i, for whatever reason, 
randomly stopped and started thinking
not exactly sure why or what the thoughts were
i still rarely communicate with others
keeping a constant processing of procedure or habit
the girl cat died in her sleep about a month ago
which hit me pretty hard since she was my best friend
some would say she was my only friend
death is the strangest part of this existence
of which i can genuinely say that i HATE death
even though i accept it completely and totally
her left over food i decided to start putting some on the front porch
for a cat that randomly started hanging out 

in my front yard a day or two before the girl cat Chrissy died
so now ive been feeding it, i assume, as a way to cope
also, i was told a few days ago, an ex-girlfriend that i dated 
was killed in a car accident a week earlier
such a strange feeling when i read the message about her death
gave me a deep sadness, even though we dated some 7 or 8 years ago
if i guess right anyway, was still a heavy drinker then
and dates and order of things are blurred a bit
i'm sad she died and hopefully she didn't suffer or have pain
it made me think of our time together as a couple
some of the memories i have of her and us together
she was a nice woman, we didn't break up on bad terms
more like a mutual drifting apart of sorts
makes me think back on what it feels like to be desired
how it feels to be appreciated, to be loved
i do genuinely miss having that, the privilege of love
the presence of a woman
i miss giving my love, of doing things for and with a girlfriend
of hearing about her day, what her thoughts are
i miss feeling like i wished i could swim inside of her mind
and absorb her thoughts and feelings completely and totally
even just having a female friend, to hang out with
talk things over, watch the fields of grass or the waters of a lake or pond
i feel old these days, undesirable, left behind in the dust of life
i am cautious and weary of others, of their intentions
of getting chewed up and spit out again
im worn out and flattened 
i just want to be loved, desired, and appreciated
instead of used up, tossed aside and forgotten
and as another midnight passes by, 
i cant help but sit here and feel these emotions
of grief, of loneliness, of alienation
while dreaming of a life of love
a life so far off and distant that i can only see it in dreams
like an echo in a deep canyon
an echo

øjeRum · Sjette Segl

i used to drink

 i wrote this a few nights ago
i know ive written about it before
but i couldn't shake the thought 
off until i wrote it here
was unsure about posting it
but what the hell
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i used to drink to feel normal
even if for a few hours in a night
i used to drink to chase dreams into 
the infinite glass bottom
i used to drink to hide from realities
that are chained to me, holding me
i used to drink so that i could stop
thinking and to stop feeling
i used to drink
it's been so long since i drank
that i've forgotten how long it's been
i'm going to guess i quit in or around 2018
so weird to think it's been that long
part of me, so very much, misses chasing dreams
into infinite glass bottoms
feeling normal for just a few hours
but in my mind set and at this stage in my life
drinking is pointless
it was always an act of futility
throwing money away to purposely
harm my body......my mind
"a shot of Jameson"
"vodka with a splash of sprite"
like going down a water slide
a blur going down each time
watching the years go by like the 
pages of a flip book
faces like city lights
eyes like laser beams
emotions like dynamite
a haze of peasantries and illusions
a plethora of souls running the same 
running from the past, from pain
from realities unknown
searching for answers, solutions
searching for distractions from the life
they already live, but lost sight of
times like these i really really miss
that drunken stupor of vodka soaked 
dreams and dance floor scenes
gulp one down and get on the dance 
floor and close your eyes and sail away
into an empty room with lights like thoughts
and comfortable feelings like arms from a hug
and occasionally opening your eyes
only for a moment before hiding away again
or dashing to the bar again for more
of course in today's world and way of things
chasing dreams in bottles and going the way of 
blackout drunkenness would be so very good
but there's something in the air
something deep inside me
giving me the will to never drink again
like something telling me not to because
there's something going on
because of some other reasoning, i'm unaware of
sure i miss it dearly at times
but i have zero desire for it
same with  smoking cigarettes
i so very much miss the flavor of cigarettes
and the smell of them as well
always loved the smell of them since i was a child
and to this day i still love the smell of cigarette smoke
but i've no desire at all to smoke again
not sure why this all came to me tonight
or why i couldn't stop thinking about it
but figured i'd take note of it here
as another midnight passes me by

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

7-13-2021 11:23pm

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was an average day today
i got out and mowed the lawn 
and cleaned out some stuff from the house
gonna be doing alot of that soon
haven't moved that much stuff around
and haven't done that much physical activity
in quiet a long time, so it's surprising that i didn't
get wore out, but in fact i feel fine,
even now at this time
mentally i'm wore out though
from the the inner battle inside
from seeing the world such as it is
from the deprivation of all things...from love
i 've been feeling fairly bad mentally lately
kind of scary a few times and so 
i actually reached out to someone i knew,
but my texts were unanswered
....that is a familiar kind of loneliness
almost called one of those crisis lines again
but figured what the hell do they care,
it's only their job to be on those phonelines
i'm just another file in a file cabinet so to speak
so i fell asleep thinking of the end of life
and tears streaming down my face
and as i mowed the lawn i had to fight the tears away
a woman going for a walk walked by and started
some friendly chatter
i was friendly to her and thought she was very
attractive, but i remained silent about that
and kept things cordial and she went on her way
i had stopped edging so she could pass by
and not possibly get hit by flying debris 
of course as i thought about that later 
in the day it made me sad 
sad because i so very much miss
the company of a woman
their conversations and the emotions in them
their feminine ways and perfumes
feeling loved, desired, embraced, and accepted
do you know beauty? the real beauty?

you know, the way her eyes squint when she laughs
the way her heart beats sound when your head is on her chest
the way she looks when she is sleeping and the peaceful look
on her face as she sleep

the movements of her hands when she talks
or the way she sits in a chair 
and yes, the perfection of her imperfections
but ahh, what the hell do i know?

just the mindless words of a lonely middle aged guy
although i'd like to think i know how to appreciate beauty
all the times ive practically paved roads for them and their love
the ones ive handed my heart to
it's not that i'm scared of getting hurt
it's more of the fact that i don't know if i can handle much more
since i'm already dangling from a thin thread, barely clinging on
i just wonder what will happen if i hand the final piece of my heart
to someone and then to have them destroy it as well

will i fade into the ether?

will i be able to remain sane?

will i jump from bridges or buildings into infinity?

will i be blasted into a state of catatonia?
well, i think i'd rather not see what would happen
a desperation builds inside
like icy cold hands on my shoulders
i just want to warm up, but it's impossible
it's just so hard to see anymore
since everything is so far away
like when you watch a plane flying at night
and you see it's light slowly fade to nothing
i used to watch planes and the stars all the time
but i don't do much of anything anymore

other than wither away
i must say it did feel nice to converse with that woman,
even if it were only a few small sentences
i tried my best to hide away my eyes though
i guess i do kind of fear eye contact these days
afraid someone will see in and know my pain
that my torturous struggle will be on display
like some days ago i had to go to the grocery store for a few items
and as i got cat litter, a woman came close to get litter as well
and we had idle chatter about cats,
but i did not make eye contact at all
i did see her coming down the isle and
yes she was very much attractive
or perhaps i'm such a lonely guy that
i'm seeing beauty everywhere since
i've been away from it for such a long time now

since ive been deprived of the presence of a woman
i think she must have thought i was crazy
as she turned and walked away
my dumb self almost started dumping words and emotions on her
some random attractive stranger
the tinnitus as been singing for the past few hours now
and my thoughts are swirling
and as another midnight passes by
i can only hope that if i dream tonight
i can be carried into fields of beauty
even though i know that once i wake up
they will make me sad
sad and lonely
a desperation seeps in

Dronarivm · Sven Laux And Daniela Orvin - Friends (from 'The Writings')

6-24-2021 11:15pm

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inspiration....hmm
well, i don't find there's much in the world
today to inspire any form of thought or
thinking without being an echo
and i don't want to drone on
about the life of a middle aged lonely guy
out of touch with society
society such as it is today
and i don't want to drone on about the neighbor's
dog and it's noise of insanity that 
slices my mind and sanity with razor sharp
barks that echo in my mind loudly
and shakes my brain and heart and soul
so ill drone on about how it took me 
an hour to find a song to soothe my mind
....soothe my heart
a song to listen to and close my eyes
to feel for a moment and allow some thought
to enter my mind and for the emotion to begin
to well up in my mind like water in a glass
water that i'd rather drink down anyway
what words of mine are there?
what conjuration of contemplation of mine is there?
what part of me is still there trapped
between the yesterdays and tomorrows?
between the broken heart and the hope for 
what tomorrow might bring
trapped in the looped mind of fear
the circle of circles
it's harder and harder to see light
harder and harder to push forward
feels like being in a very long train tunnel 
through a mountain 
what do i do when inevitability kicks in?
pressure builds
it's harder and harder to write out what i feel
and how to say it
and i think it is harder and harder to believe
that anyone gives a damn anyway
sometimes i sit still for a moment 
and i try to feel my heart beating in my chest
sometimes it's easy to feel
since ive always had around a 104 heart rate
and the beats are sometimes strong
and of course i always acknowledge that
one day this old heart will stop beating
this old brain will stop thinking
this old soul and "heart" will stop aching
and will stop getting broken and smashed
that this old guy wont be around to 
feel the loneliness of an empty, abandoned house
with dust and dirt and cobwebs covering everything
wont be around to feel the rejection of ten thousand lives
all rolled up into one
strange thoughts for sure
i remember going to a house,
apparently they were mom and dads friends,
and they had peacocks there and a swimming pool
with thick green algea growing in it
and the water was dark with lots of leaves
they had this trailer outside with a lot of very long
florescent light bulb tubes in it
and they would pick one up and point it up at the
huge powerlines that went over it
and the light bulb tube would light up
was very interesting to me at that age
i don't remember it well, other than that
i wished my memory had not been effected such as it was
by life, by pills, by being born in a world
that i rarely ever related to or felt a part of
that only once or twice did i ever felt like i belonged to
how would i act if i decided to jump back into society?
what would i even begin to say to someone new?
would it be a mere gluttony of punishment and pain?
and at my age how could i start?
most people my age are married and have kids
how would i relate to them...those that made it?
and now that i do not drink at all, how would i go
about meeting these new people?
before the booze was the liquid courage
talk to anyone for any reason without a care
now  there's a slight terror in that
well, maybe not terror, but rather reluctancy to it
oh well, my thoughts are lit up here
but they rise like dark smoke in the middle of the night
barely seen by any and mostly going unnoticed
i don't really know how i feel either
do i even remember how to feel?
after 3 or so years of isolation
oh i will go to eat with my father to a restaurant
occasionally, but i keep my head down
looking at either the ground or the table
or glancing at my father
but i quickly go home thereafter
most of the time i don't feel comfortable going
but he really enjoys eating out but don't like 
going alone so i go anyway, even when i don't 
feel emotionally well or when i'd rather stay home
since he is in the golden years of life
i try to think of him and what he enjoys
i only wished i had lived a better life
for him and my mother
i wished i hadn't failed and made such a folly of my life
i feel such an incredible sense of shame because of that
no amount of showering or scrubbing
can wash that blood off of me
i can't think of it too much either
it is far far far too painful
and i'm already dangling by a thread as it is
trapped and tortured is putting it all lightly
sometimes i sit back and feel my inhales and exhales
i will close my eyes and think of how each breath
is a moment gone into the past
that will never be again
and of course i also think of one day these old lungs of mine
no longer inhaling and exhaling
oh how fast and short life is
how cruel it's ways of things are with 
the learning of lessons the hardest way 
and most of the time learning those lessons when it's too late
and the damage or damages are already done
i sit here as another midnight came and went
dazed with an overwhelming melancholy
inundating my brain and encapsulating my
ability to dream
it's funny that i said i wasn't going to drone on
about the life of a middle aged guy
and here i went back to that again
guess it's that swirl of thought in the headspace
suddenly i am overwhelmed with this thought:
i'm sorry mom and dad for being such a failure
and i'm sorry for all the troubles i ever caused you both
i'm sorry to anyone and everyone that i have ever hurt
both people i knew and those i may not have known
i only wished i could have done better in this life
the girl cat waits for me to pet her while i lay on the bed
waiting for unconsciousness to take over
another midnight came and went and i....
i sat here in the same way as the past 3 years or so
who am i really?
no one at all

6-18-2021 11:30pm

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rarely do i give myself downtime
typically i try to keep my mind busy
sometimes i do think a bit when doing mundane 
daily chores like cleaning or mowing the grass
things that are so habitual they don't require
actual cognitive thought
sometimes even thinking deeply on things
and occasionally i will be thinking
and i will suddenly get this feeling come over me
as if i touched on something extremely significant
almost like a jolt through the soul or something
and ill try to remain in that thought, but the feeling
subsides, sometimes because i will get
uncomfortable and cancel the thought
and other times it just goes away on it's own
i cant remember specifics at the moment
of course i will also get some spiritual type thoughts 
as well, about God or the universe and such
well, i had the strangest dream the other night,
been a while since i had a dream
but the one i had about a week ago
was beyond surreal and strange
i know there was some stuff before what i remember
but i cant remember exactly what it was
i dreamt that i was walking along side walks
that were pristine, like they were brand new
a side walk like a road
it went down and under a bridge
i remember looking around 
and seeing landscape that also seemed new
as i got closer to the underpass
there was steps going down and about
halfway down i noticed what seemed like trash,
pieces of food and paper scraps as well as a wadded up
paper towel and i thought how did all that get here
then i saw a large paper towel on the ground
with what looked like human feces on it
as i turned back after looking around, 
there i saw a severed man's head and
just passed that a another paper towel
with yet more human feces on it
i got such a strange feeling from looking at the head and 
two paper towels with human feces on it
it has bothered me off and on all day as well
like why did i dream that, firstly
and secondly, why did it seem as though it was 
significant? poop and a severed man's head?
it's position was angled as if it were looking at the sky
the bottom lip was damaged and the head was very dirty
i walked down and looked back at it
before waking up feeling so surreal and strange
so very strange, like kind of disturbed,
but more puzzled and surreal
even now when i think on it, feels so bizarre
well, the tinnitus has been exceptionally loud this evening
i feel strange lately, like an uncertainty
like i've arrived at some unseen threshold 
it often has an uncomfortable feeling to it
a sort of anxious feeling, unnerving
suddenly a thought comes to my mind
of tumbling down a hill when i was a child
and imagining how it would be as i am now
full grown, middle aged, and somewhat overweight
and of course my mind automatically thinks
of what that thought could mean
what it could imply or connote
maybe it's some kind of mid-life lunacy, ha ha
at the moment the crunching of cat food enters the air
and blends in with the tinnitus and the sound 
the song below
and i close my eyes and see a swirl of white lines and dots 
going in circles and then faces of people ive never seen before
last night i thought about loneliness again
loneliness is yelling out into a tunnel or canyon
and the only thing you hear is the sound of your own echo
taunting back at you
ive been invited to go to my father's father's day celebration
at my sisters house, but ive been estranged from them
a torn feeling between being there for my dad and wanting to
stay home and out of society, even though it's just family
but i guess it will depend on how i feel when i wake up tomorrow
anyways, my head is like a pressurized fog
my thoughts are like a swirl of dots and
white lines on a pitch black background
my feelings.....my feelings are like nothing
my feelings are irrelevant
they are like the dust on fireplace mantles in abandoned houses 
and my form?
my form is like the cobwebs in the corners of those abandoned
dusty houses
i love the photography of abandoned houses
there's something to the looks of it
i guess some kind of me relating to it kind of thing, i don't know
i did a little photography of such some years back
i wonder if i still have those photos somewhere
echos and dusty cobweb
well, as another midnight's passing
and as the seconds tick by like clouds moving across the sky
in summers hug of warmth
i think, perhaps, i actually need to think more
as painful as it can be 
a sort of exercise of the mind of sorts
but right now the bed calls as my eyes are heavy
and my mind is blank

5/1/2021 10:10pm - 5/21/2021 12:11am

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blood is splattered all over the flowers
the flowers in the fields of potential
they cry for the sky to rain down
showers of cleansing
to be free of the blood of shame
unable to move because their roots are deep
they can see the blades of true defeat
moving towards them
and they cry for the sky to rain down upon them
showers of cleansing, of a reprieve
i cry this night like many other nights
but this night i cry out of desperation
it rained here yesterday and a little today
the weather has been nice with the cool temperatures
grey overcast skies a comfort to weary eyes
i sit with weakened legs arms and head
i am running off of 2 hours sleep last night

that first bit was written at the time listed
but abruptly ended due to being totally 
overwhelmed by emotion
and ended up in me calling a crisis/ suicide
hotline thing and then it has sat in my drafts since
so instead of finishing ill just write what is
currently in mind

the neighbor's new dog drove me to craziness
today and had me outside yelling as loud as i could
possibly muster even louder than the dog
the dog woke me up early and had been
barking off and on the entire day
and my resistance to it broke
and sent me outside to yell and scream
like a mad man...well, i was mad
a build up from late night parties with booming bass or 
yelling and screaming like children even though
they're in adult bodies
a build up of dog barking
and of partially blocking my driveway
with trucks or trailers for about 5 years now
well, i wished that dreams were tangible
like picking a fruit off a tree branch or vine
i wished that for once in my life i could have
at least one wish come true and stay with me till i die
but that actually requires wishes or dreams
i don't have anymore of those these days
no aspirations, no other forms of 
disappointment
yeah, my mind has been absent of late
and my form is like spoiled milk
not so much the plastic bag in the wind anymore
cause at least with the plastic bag in the wind 
it has form and movement
movement and form
when i really think about movement and form
my lonely mind, of course, immediately thinks
of the beauty of the movements and forms of women
like the way the air curls around them as they move
and how i can see paths form and soften for their feet
as they saunter along doing day to day things
ah well, i miss my old life and friends
the random conversations and interactions
a small part of me does, sometimes, miss the drunken stupor
but ive no desire at all to drink ever again
i just miss being a human being
at this moment i'm a mere after thought
a reflection of mistakes and bad decisions
i miss hugs and handshakes and how are yous
i miss the eyes of others and the unspoken
emotions that pour out of them
i miss companionships and loyalty and trust
this life ive chosen now, i can tell with certainty
is a slow death as my health has begun to decline
sleep apnea, weight gain, chest pains from time to time
the strange sensations, physically, i feel in my head
and the tinnitus that goes along with that
i often feel bad or bad and strange upon waking in the morning
like something is terribly wrong with my body
and it now gives me a little anxiety when laying down to go to sleep
once i woke up in the middle of the night gasping
for air, im guessing, due to the sleep apnea, but i also felt
extremely nauseous and very strange, so much so
i had to get up out of bed and walk around the house a bit
was very unsettling and fairly scary as well
and with no health insurance, it's a waiting game i suppose
i'd love to change my life and my ways
but like most things far easier said than done
and even harder still without a support system
with help from people that care, from friends
and professional help, of which probably also requires
some kind of insurance that i don't have
i imagine going on long walks and talking with a friend or friends
i every so often think how can anyone love me when i don't love myself
and how can i love myself when no one else does?
i used to like myself, not narcissistically, but just the normal way
but after 45 years of constant struggles, broken hearts, betrayals,
and abuses i could only think of one common denominator
involved in all of that....me and i must be flawed beyond the typical
and so i became angry with myself and with the world
so of course i began to dislike myself
and when i think of how to turn it around again, it seems so far away
like the very faint distant sound of an echo in a deep canyon
i just wanna live again, i just want to be a normal human being
with friends and love and support, not tossed aside like worn out shoes
i miss living very much, i miss going to music shows
i just plain miss feeling like a normal human being
instead of a hermit that is just merely existing
existing between the monotony of routine and distractions
between the stresses of noisy neighbor dogs or boom bass stereos
that rattle pictures off the walls, or the same neighbor
partially blocking my driveway or the burning out
or the obvious after market exhausts that are also so loud
that pictures on the walls get rattled
oh well, i know i gotta do something soon
before my health gets beyond repair
hopefully i will sleep well, this night
as another midnight passes by

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

even my loneliness must feel lonely

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i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely

3-7-2021 11:45 pm

 as usual scroll down
and click play if it is not 
already auto-playing
then read
thanks for your attention

i can hear the rumbling of a train
running down the tracks not too far from here
my mind wonders if there's any 
train jumpers or hobos as they were once called
i wonder what they're thinking
the street here is busier than usual
for a Sunday night
with some rumbling of loud trucks n cars
all of which seem to have something to prove
to people that, are mostly, unaware of them
or the boom boom from their stereos 
that they, seemingly, want you to hear
i can feel time ticking in the air
each second that passes
like when wind blows on your skin
my view is out of a window encased in
one of four walls that i am encased in
but no crown jewels here
nothing sacred or precious
nothing more than chewed bubble gum
but i digress
sometimes a neighborhood cats visits me
in passing, sometimes aware of my presence
and other times unaware
but i wish it well with a whisper in the air
there's a few cats that come by like that
but only the one that comes regularly
i sit with my mind and thoughts like rocks
rocks and stone formations that
with time, are carved into ways and shapes
carved by winds or by waters 
my mind carved
carved by words and punishments
by abuses and reactions and responses
my lines are cut deep
and again i digress
i watch and wonder as days go by 
like the minute hand on a clock
my reclusiveness seems to be
getting even more reclusive
with each rising and setting of the sun
my words also elude me as
i elude this world and society
like a ship at sea in the thickest of fogs
and nothing but the sound of the distant foghorn
to soothe the loneliness that hovers in the fog
i've watched seasons come and go
clouds form and then float away
i've watched the storms and rains come and go
i rarely ever see another person,
i only hear their sounds
i do miss seeing another persons eyes
and the pulses of emotions that lie within them
i miss seeing the steps they've took
that have led them into eternity's light
i sometimes will touch my own arm
to try to remember how a persons touch feels
and to try to remember what it is like to touch someone elses arm
i've watched leaves break off and fall to the ground
and then watched those leaves slowly decay
or wake up to see that the wind has carried a leaf away
i sit here alone typing words in the same fashion
a thought or emotion or feeling dropped here
like leaves from a tree 
leaves that get swept away into eventual nothingness
loneliness, well, let me think, i don't think i or
any of us actually knows what that means
what are words with no meaning?
what are lives with no love?
what are men or women with, seemingly, no purpose?
what is an injured animal that has crawled off to hide?
well, i feel sad these days
i feel deprived....of what exactly i've no idea
but am sure it is a deprivation of everything
but mostly a deprivation of socialization and of love
and as per custom, the shades of repetition that i paint
with my words and thoughts, don't vary much
they try to describe the view of my analytic eyes
i sometimes stop to listen for the sound of wind blowing
to know the world is still moving perhaps
yes, i still talk aloud to the television and to my cat
and i complain to no one as if someone 
is here to hear me and care
i can hear the sound of an airplane flying in the sky
can't help but to wonder who is on it and where they're going
what lives they live and what pains they've felt
i wonder if they have grieved loss as i have
i wonder if they're going on vacation to some beautiful magical land
the kind of places where dreams live
far far away from four walls with a window
and a lonely, defeated man who sits
watching life pass through glimpses out a window
watching life pass like the tears from his eyes
that are a constant flow
these days, i often times think, i don't deserve to
have the beauty of friendship or of love
the support of a friend or of a love
that, perhaps, i deserve the loneliness
that i deserve each and every pain that i've ever felt
i live, now, scared of it all, but i dream of doing
kind things for others
going out of my way to show kindness to this world
or spreading love and kindness that this world
so desperately needs
the fear remains from the last time 
from the last time i opened my heart wide
for a friend, for love, for companionship
and was only handed back remnants of my heart's contents
and so i rock back n forth in a chair and watch life pass by
and i feel the loneliness that is only written about in a few books
or in a blog of a middle aged man encased in the cold grasp
of isolation...the kind that eternity forgot
the kind that eternity forgot
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
but i digress
i can hear the bed calling my name
by the vibrations of my body
and the tiredness of my eyes and mind
as another midnight passes by 
another midnight passes me by
......oh 
           how lonely
                              i feel

2-9-2021 11:32pm

 for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing

i felt weak yesterday
and had pressure in my chest visit me
my head felt pressure as well
alot of forgetfulness lately as well
like some kind of cloud and darkened corners
i got up and took a few steps
and seemingly felt an intense feeling 
of why in the world did i stand up?
took a while to finally remember
i wanted something to drink
and this day the words escape me
a summarization of thoughts
and words or emotions into lines
that bleed like an open wound
blood that seeps out the way
powder trickles down in an hour glass
or the wisps of dust that stir from someone 
quickly walking by
an age of ways and words that curl like hair
circling back upon them selves
alone in rooms of crowded silence
and the creeping of the hands of a clock
explaining to us all inevitability
well, another birthday came and went
another year that raced by in a blur
i feel lonely but ok for now
my head rings and feels pressured
my mind is clouded and foggy
a chilly night this night
although it's quiet and calm
two or three nights of interrupted sleep
and somewhere a person is laying
on a beach in the sun enjoying
the sun's embrace and warming rays
oh why must my brain be as it is
it's funny though i took the 
Myers-Briggs personality test 
out of boredom the other night
and i went from an ENTJ to an INFJ
of which is apparently the rare type
is that what a few years of isolation does?
or perhaps a life's worth of abuse, 
rejection, and failures?
oh well, nothing lasts forever as the saying goes
the cold bed calls and i'm tired
another midnight has arrived 
and now quickly goes by
into the spaces of eternity
one day i say
one day i'll rise like the tide 
one day, but not this day

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne

1-27-2021 11:04pm

for best results
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing

let me see here
just what is melancholy
what is it when you're disconnected
from feeling anything at all
like lost in fog so thick you cant 
see anything else except fog
and for some reason it reminds me of
a recurring dream i used to have as a child
i'm laying in a bed and the sky is blackened
with a slight dark dark red hue to it
there's two massive objects in the sky above
one on each side of me
they're like darkened grey rocks
sometimes i could see myself laying
on the bed below and other times i couldn't
but when i could see myself,
the bed was seemingly in a spotlight
or just lit up a little brighter than everything else
sometimes i'd hear a voice whispering
sometimes it was a male voice, other times a female voice
and sometimes still the voice seemed neither male or female
sometimes i couldn't actually hear what was being said 
other times i'd hear it's ok or it will be ok
there was a thin line or wire connecting the two 
rock like objects in the sky
the object on the right would form a hole
right where the line connected
and a marble looking object would roll out
and begin rolling towards the left object
once it got to it, it would begin rolling back
and each time it got to the object on the right
the line would get a little more slack in it
so that the line started to droop down
and no matter how much slack was in the line
the marble object never got any faster or slower
and right when the line was getting close to me,
the object on the right side would turn into a hand
and grab the marble object with it's pinky finger
and then grab the line and straighten it out and form solid
again, then the hole would form again for the marble to begin
rolling again and it would repeat this until i woke
all the while i would feel like my body was immensely massive
and myself or my soul felt microscopic
like i could feel myself inside my body
strange dream....not as strange as the ritalin induced dreams
i had back then...they were something like old screensavers
from like windows 95 or something
crazy patterns and colours and like television snow
constantly changing and moving and morphing
yes, i had those dreams, as strange as it sounds, even to me 
they were also recurring dreams
what's it like to deeply know as a child that something
about a tiny pill was bad and caused me to, psychologically,
have trouble swallowing it
as if to subconsciously know it was bad for me
and from then on i had trouble taking most any pills
unless i took them with a meal
although now i just prefer taking a pill with meals to 
prevent upset stomach and such
it was because i didn't quite learn like the rest, you see
hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder...or so they called it
was an uneventful day today
a repetition of the same blurred days
i'm still under the melancholy haze
the girl cat is in another room somewhere probably 
sleeping and dreaming like i only wished i could
i still walk like a plastic bag in the wind
and it's strange, even though i feel melancholy completely
i still "co-exist" with loneliness like it's here with me
even though i don't feel it....such a strange feeling indeed
my thoughts are like a book with all the pages being blank
absent of words or form...like looking into the thickest of fog
i'm being soothed by the song i put at the bottom
it's been on repeat for the past 2 or 3 days now
and played all day as well
i feel it resonate with me for some reason and in some way
and words have escaped me as to why or how
the words escape me in general now
perhaps it's because the bed calls for me
to come and warm it up
maybe i'll dream a strange one this night
this night as another midnight passes by

1-24-2021 11:34pm

as usual and for best results
scroll down and click play
if the song is not auto-playing

words were swirling around
thoughts hovering and lingering
but i sit down to write them,
and they hide away
hide to spaces and places
of my mind i'm not aware of
and so i've sat here for a bit wondering
what those thoughts and words were
well, i feel melancholy again today
sort of a blank haze like a fog
a fog in night's light
vision obscured....diminished
i used to love going for walks in the fog
cool temperatures and damp fog
at least the skies have been in my favor
with the overcast greys and off white colours
although i didn't actually look or go outside
physically i feel tired, and my head still rings
what happened to the boy...
the one that used to ride on his Tonka
the all steel yellow Tonka dump truck
and the lacquered wooden floor of the hall
what happened to the boy...
the one dumb enough to stick his finger
into a red hot car cigarette lighter
and to this day has a T shaped scar there
ironic his name also starts with a T
even more ironic is he has floaters
in his eyes and one of them is also
shaped like a T
what happened to the boy...
the one that got left behind by ritalin
and damage and pains and abuses
that boy is lost somewhere out there
and all that is left is a shell
a book that has pages falling out
an empty shelf
no pictures or trophies or accomplishments
no family or friends or place to call home
i sail on seas like blood in veins
i choke on words and breaths in vain
i wish on stars and dream the same
i weep and i cry to find my own name
stars and dreams that aren't real 
and that wont ever be real
sometimes i feel like if anything is to 
change for me, that it would have to be 
that someone would have to prove to me
that somewhere, someone does care
prove to me that i wont get tossed aside
like worn shoes or an empty cup
prove to me that i wont get crushed and destroyed
the way all the others have done,
friends and romantic partners alike
and so i fear everything in every way
and people too...of course people too 
this isolation was once comforting
but now it's a source of malcontent
now that i've decided to maintain a sober life
and if i were to face the fears
i haven't the slightest clue on how to
go about meeting new people
where to go, what to do
the sound of it automatically fills me
with awkward thoughts and embarrassments
makes me want to sign up to be the first to colonize mars
melancholy...a word that sounds nothing like what it means
sounds like it would be some kind of joyful song
well, my head rings and my eyes droop
while the bed calls for my body to warm it up
and yet another midnight comes and goes
another day gone forever

Seth Lyttle · Warm (for A Wet Day)

1-22-2021 some dumb journal entry

 for best results
scroll down and click
play, if it is not already
playing, thanx for your
attention

and some days we look back and dream
dream of what was and want again
those memory lane days
for me i just wanna feel those
normal days, feeling connected and desired
experiencing the long conversation days
enjoying another's company days
those happy no plans to do anything except
let the day plan for us what to do
dancing in a field together with no shoes on
those time don't exist days
getting lost in company and conversations
a look at the stars, a look into eyes
a glimpse into the eternity of time
a saving grace
a suffocating soul of isolation
withering heart and mind
his days feel like they're stuck in a loop
even his words seem like they too
are stuck in an endless loop
well, was a wet day today with the off 
and on again sprinkling showers
colder temperatures today
as for the skies?
well, i'm not sure, i never looked outside
am sure i sure could use some sunshine
on my face and skin
i miss going for walks and hiking
i miss seeing things and doing things
today was one of those melancholy
feeling absolutely nothing days
even now, my mind absent of emotion
probably why my words seem like they too 
are withering
hospital bills and student loans
and life in isolation
a picnic with the mind
i see a single tree with only a few leaves left on it
and i can see the fear in the tree of the wind
my head still rings and pulses or so it feels
i just thought that i could use a vacation
how funny....
how dumb of me and my old brain
i don't think i ever learned what it feels like to
get a pat on the back or a commendation
or to be praised for anything
im not even sure i'd know how to properly respond
to such things if they were to ever occur
....now there's a strange and sad thought
not sure why that popped into my old brain
run fast down that trail dear charley
but be sure not to fall down
run fast down that hill old boy
don't let your bones break
howl out loud at the sky old boy
cry out and yell for all to hear
howl out loud in vain
i watch the days pass like cars on a highway
i watch and wait for better days
all the while thinking about inevitability
as the weight and stress piles on and the clock 
strikes midnight, night after night
i try to reminisce on better days
but better days are like the moon
so far away but i can still see them
and the one ive tried to bury away
the one that destroyed me with her ways and words
she wont stop visiting me in my dreams when i sleep 
and sometimes in my thoughts randomly during the day
ive no idea why and it's so strange that it still occurs
....that is yet another kind of torture
what's in a mind?
what's in a heart?
what's in a soul that cries out for love
and is only met with crushing blows?
shelled peanuts have more substance
haha
oh well, another day of the days

øjeRum · Butterfly Tongues More Ancient Than Flowers

doltish rambles in the dark

for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
thanks for your attention

what do you do when you want
human interaction, connection
but fear people overall?
even fearing the kindness of others
i often have felt like i wasn't
supposed to be here in this universe
some would call me depressed, 
i laugh at that description
most times it is only loneliness,
other times it's the chains that 
have bound me to the ground 
since i was a teenager
and sometimes still it is 
living in a world of deceit and hatreds
i don't celebrate my own birthday
in fact, i dislike my birthday
i will go to my family celebration of it
but i would be fine either with or without
not that i'm afraid of age and getting older

i actually like being this age
but rather it's a constant reminder of 
a bad decision i made as a teenager
that still affects me to this day
the shadow that i walk in every day 
it's too bad that the only way to learn
in life is to make mistakes and bad choices
and sometimes those mistakes and
bad choices are the worst of all to make
like the decision i made once to for me
and my friends to cross a busy highway
at night and all of us made it across except one
she stopped in the median you see
i think, to fix her sandals
and then immediately she started to run across to us
while a car came along at 65+ miles per hour
my eyes witnessing her body flip like a doll
my mind short circuiting in and out of 
consciousness...post traumatic stress amnesia
several periods of time where i can recollect nothing
like time stopped, one second i'm sitting on the 
ground and the next second i'm in the back of a
police car being given a ride to the police
station to give my official statement on the 
events that occurred that lead to what happened
all the mistakes ive made that i've never been
able to forgive myself for
and the shame that goes along with those mistakes
i wouldn't ever hurt anyone in anyway
even the times ive been forced to defend myself
i have felt horrible about 
to injure someone is such a horrible feeling
worse than when i feel physical pain
i wasn't meant for this world
my heart is far too big for such 
incredibly small spaces
i think that i came to this world just wanting
to be loved and accepted for who i am
but that has been a pipe dream
oh there's been those that have said they did
but always their actions proved otherwise
nothing lasts forever....life, friends, love
all like vapors of steam that rise and disappear
and so i sit encased by 4 walls and a window
alone wondering why life has to be this way
why a middle aged man sits in a room alone
in isolation for nearly 2 years straight
afraid of the hunters 
afraid of people, of life
a scared, injured animal hidden away to heal or die
withered, weakened, worn down
love is a cloud that billows in spring skies
dumping down on us, but eventually that rain
stops and the cloud is gone

what is in a word?
what is in a heart that gives and gives?

what is in a life in isolation
with no one to talk to, no one to care?
maybe i am nothing more then a mistake
a mistake like the ones i've made my entire life
was a windy day today
cold winds creeping through cracks into the house
the girl cat frequently and politely asking for attention
more often today then usual
my head still rings and the loneliness still hovers
i feel sad and defeated
i'm 6 foot 1 inch tall, and yet i feel microscopic
unseen, unheard, and not loved
oh well, i abstain

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

1-11-2021 12:50am i weep

as usual scroll down
and click play if it is 
not auto-playing

years like leaves in twisted winds
eyes like shutters nailed shut
and the people dance in pools of hatreds
watchers like stars in night skies
and the empaths weep
i weep for this world
i weep for my sadness of my life
and i weep for the people of this world
i weep for the days when we all 
looked at one another with a smile and a nod
with a pleasant "how are you?" in passing
i weep for the days when beauty was everywhere
i weep for the children of this world
years like cemetery headstones
eyes like raging fires burning
the people at war with everything
and the empaths weep
i weep for who i once was
i weep for my missing heart
the flattened one, the target 
i weep for humanity
and when i weep, my tears are in vain
when i feel, i feel in vain
years pass in vain 
eyes open, yet don't see
the people fight each other in vain
and the empaths weep

i weep tears on shores of life
my tears are absent any care
my life is absent any care
i walk like a plastic bag in the wind
my countenance is of sheer defeat
i tried in vain
i loved in vain
i cared in vain
it's times like these that we all
could really learn from the
cat that plays in the grass
from the child and it's imagination
we could learn from love
we could learn that hatred only creates
more and even worse hatred
my life such as it is is already difficult to be in
and with the world losing it's grip on humanity
my future is looking more and more bleak
wind blows across burnt fields
the flowers withered and crumbling
the trees that once swayed seared to ash
and this little boy still plays
hoping for a green blade of grass
i don't feel anything but sadness these days
the days like train tunnels through mountains
my mind like a room filled with shouting people
my heart like mangled shreds of paper
sometimes when i cry from loneliness 
i think to myself, no one is even aware that im here
crying out almost 45 years worth of pain
that thought is such a whole different level of loneliness
people that live nearby that it wouldn't
even occur to them that there is a man
in agony and their dogs torture him further with their
incessant barking and the noise of their booming bass
from their cars poke and prod my mind like a hot poker
and the occasional passerby walking a dog
completely unaware of a lonely man weeping into eternity
or, when i do leave the house, the road rager angry at me for not
driving like a complete mad man
unaware of the sheer level of loneliness i'm in
and that those actions towards me make me feel even
further alienated from society and human interaction
if i could have any wish, it would be for the world to love again
and for beauty to come back to it again
nevermind my loneliness
i'm a thought in passing
a memory that will fade like light during sunset
it is sad to think that whenever my time comes
that i may just be alone when it comes
....that is yet another kind of loneliness
to die alone, with no love, no one to care
anyway, the girl cat is watching me type
her countenance is of peace and contentment
i wished there were strong enough and fitting words
that could properly and exactly describe how defeated i feel
im tired and my head rings
im an echo, aren't i?

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

12-26-2020 10:09 am

originally started this earlier today
but only just now finished it
as usual, for best results
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing

broken limbs crunch under foot steps
through wandering paths to infinity
broken dreams crack under each thought
under the weight of life's aches n pains
that get stacked up onto backs
one can only wonder if middle aged back pains 
come from this weight
as the damages take their tolls on minds and hearts
and the bluebird sings it's song
the child plays with not a care in the world
...their universe, untouched, is where real dreams are
and far far away we go, as age stacks up
and shoulders crack and collapse
and we put far too much on our plates
or in some cases far too little
all the while distracting our selves with
habits and behaviors and trinkets and gadgets
and social medias and mind altering chemicals
oh like water in rivers and vapor in winds
the flow don't stop as one dies and more are born
the consumption of a life into nothing
makes one really think how special life actually is
since there's a trillion and one of us all
and we all eventually are forgotten
well, they say it's about the journey
and not the beginning or the end
i always laugh a little when i see or hear that
and immediately the thought comes to my mind
some journeys are brutal and with sure
impending destruction
what about that journey ?
is it also about those journeys
the destroyed ones that have been dragged
through the dirt of the sewers
that have been repeatedly stomped on
whilst they were already down
when they were already defeated before
they were even old enough and strong enough to fight
i've fallen into a spiral of infinite thoughts 
thoughts and feelings whose fingers are icy cold
and they squeeze at my throat
i dance across frozen tears
frozen in time and space
and the sirens voice calls me from afar
from the spaces between loneliness and 
those dying dreams and aspirations i once held dear
my feet hurt and my head rings
i used to run and slide on the ices and frozen puddles
when i was a child, before the damage was dealt and 
before the hunters got their claws and arrows into me
before life grabbed me and wrung me like a dish rag
memories and dreams like leaves on autumn trees
happiness like a fleeting after thought
i even think i am beginning to forget what that even feels like
joy, elation, beauty....clouds are forming and enveloping those
am sure eventually they will become consumed
and i will no longer have a memory of such things
i drove down this road once in a very bad state of mind
i kept driving for a long while and it had gotten dark outside
at some point i was forced off the road and onto a side road
of which had no lights at all and only ended up forcing you to turn around
but before i turned around i saw that was obviously a spot where 
someone must have been living various trash and a make shift
bed and such, even some signs of which i couldn't read and 
i started to feel an uneasy feeling there so i didn't linger to see what
the signs actually said, they were hand written signs
i couldn't help but wonder who it was that had been there and why
i found myself driving for hours contemplating life and death
that day was my first real glimpse of this desperate darkness i speak of
i mean i had seen it was i was young, but i didn't quite have an understanding
the adult understanding of life and such
i felt it once when i had gotten lost while driving to visit a friend
and as far as i could see there was nothing at all
other than the highway i was on that was even remotely signs of humans
and even that highway i was on was a scarcely used one at that
i couldn't help but to suddenly feel overwhelmed 
and a sense of complete insignificance hit me and i got out
of the car and dropped to my knees for a few moments
it wasn't until i got back in the car that i noticed i had been crying
ive no idea why, i wasn't scared or anything and i had no reason to be sad
since i knew exactly how to go back to the road i got there from
maybe one day i'll go again for a drive to try to get lost again
until then i don't even know at all what i am doing anymore
and of course i also don't know where i'm going
other than nowhere
i felt like i was home once, when i was floating on clouds of beauty
and love was as tangible as water, and it was like nothing ever before
i felt normal for that short brief moment in time and in my life
i felt as the mountains, tall and strong and eternal
why did they have to throw me away like a wadded paper
why did they siphon life from me 
why did they syphon me out of me
nothing but this deflated busted and worn out balloon left
i often felt like that through my entire life
like chewed gum stuck under cafeteria tables
i feel tired and my head rings still
my words like grains of sand on the beach
what is one grain of sand to an entire beach and an ocean of it?
insignificant

øjeRum · The Dance

12-23-2020 10:00 pm

apparently i didn't hit publish
when i actually wrote this
as usual and for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already auto-playing
thanx for reading

the most excitement i've had in quite a long time
was going to the emergency room last night
due to chest pains and tightness in my chest
the most social interacting i've done in a while
the man who was claiming to have been shot in his leg,
walking with such erratic and limping steps
the only different between him and me, i thought
was the fact that i don't talk to myself aloud 
whenever i'm around others
he was, seemingly, having a full on conversation
about crack and eating his peanut butter crackers with himself
then he demanded a wheel chair from the nurses,
but then abandoned it within minutes of getting it
he made a big mess with the peanut butter crackers
pieces of them and crumbs all over the floor
in both places where he sat at
he became angry when the nurses came out to take him to
start the process and then told them to wait and come back to him
because he said he just got there and need time to sit for a minute
at some point a policeman had to come over to get him to cooperate 
or he was going to be asked to leave
his yelling incoherently and cursing i found comical
but out of respect i hid my chuckles
i couldn't help but wonder what his story was
where he came from and what got him to where he is today
so that he was yelling and cursing at those that were only trying to help him
the entire time i waited in that waiting room
was a struggle to fight back tears and emotions
i've been overwhelmed with them lately
any down time at all and the emotions and tears flow
and so once i sat down in that chair in the waiting room
the war begun
i'd quickly linger on things that distracted me
such as the ambient sounds of a hospital
the sounds of the x-ray machines
i would listen to peoples voices and the potential 
emotion behind their words while not focusing on what they
were saying, but just the sound of their voices
nurses laughing and enjoying conversations between tasks
it kind of made me sad though, considering my isolation
and my overwhelming loneliness
i miss conversations and laughing
the little connecting with others
the whole time i was at that hospital, i only spoke
with the nurses and doctors that tended to me
some of the female nurses that passed by or came to tend to me
smelled very nice and oh how it made me miss the company
of a woman their conversations, their thoughts and emotions
oh how i could soak it up like a dry sponge does with water
their eyes like crystals that sparkle with the sun's light
and don't get me started on their beauty and ways
the way they walk and move like a painting being painted
one can imagine in the days of old when men took 
their coats off and tossed them on the ground for the women to
walk on so as to not get their shoes or dresses tainted by puddles or mud
oh how i miss their skin, so delicate like flower petals
i miss their hugs and kisses and flirtations
i miss the warmth of their love
well, i couldn't hold it back after a certain point
and so there i sat in an emergency room waiting room
tears flowing like rivers
which, of course, caused concern for the nurses to which 
they had the counselor come check on me once i got into a room
and of course i dumped out my troubles on them
kind of sad, really, the whole thing
must have been quite the spectacle
middle aged long haired man sitting there weeping 
well, a strong cold front has blown through and the winds
are blowing persistently, gusting and shaking things 
no warm person to cuddle up with and to just be
the bed will be extra cold this night to warm up
oh how i do wished we could understand truly, the real reason 
we're all here on this planet, dying and crying, loving and holding
why the world is the way it is
why people are the way they are
and why things seem to be getting so far away from beauty now
such a strange situation to think about
we all die inevitably, and such short lives we live
oh how i wished i could understand it all
i really do think often about if i had never been born

there seems to be a comfort in that thought for some reason
it's strange to me as well because, quite obviously i was born
well, the girl cat is playing with some of her toys and things
and intermittently coming to me to be petted in between
the room is cold and i am tired
i only slept for around 2 and a half to 3 hours on monday night
and then no sleep last night due to being in the emergency room
for the duration of the night
so im hoping tonight i will sleep as soundly as i ever have
and i hope i dream dreams of elation and magic
even though i know that when i wake up
those dream will be the means to my sadness once again 

øjeRum · Your Voice Remained Under The Moonlight And Above The Rooftop Of This Abandoned Forest

12-22-2020 12:05 am a rambling journal entry

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i once wandered through the field
behind my grandparents house
i went further in than i ever had before
because, of course, i was alone
pine trees, chest high grasses
would have been easy to hide in
i wandered around seeing what i could see
and then went back to the house
as i was going in, my chest felt a burning
and itching and i saw on my shirt
what seemed like a ball of lint or 
something like a piece of cotton
or fiber from the field
i tried to brush it off, and it stung me
in my chest, like a wasp 
you see, i was sent there to stay for a day
or two as punishment for something i did
that i can not remember currently
i was the only one there for those days
felt strange to be in that house...in the den
and laying down to sleep that night
to a black n white tv set 
was strange going to sleep when i felt like it
it was seemingly a refreshing thing
to get lost in space and time wandering in that field
the asp sting wasn't fun, obviously
seems like that moment when i went to lay down to sleep
lasted an eternity, hearing the cars down the busy road
outside, and the sounds of night in that area
i wished i could remember more memories
like that from when i was a child,
but for whatever reason, most of them were erased
at some point in my life
and most of these current days seem like a blur to me
but sometimes i try to stop and pause for a moment
to try to remember things from back then
a small part of me feels like it might be something
to be able to go back there and feel those feelings again
but alas, i think one time is enough
the stresses and pains, and heartaches of this life 
are more than enough reason to NOT want to go back
i often times wonder, what it must be like
for those that actually read this
how they might feel to read a man's suffering spilled out 
i'm glad and honored that they took time from their own lives
and took time to read my troubles and thoughts and feelings here
i also wonder where they might live
and who they are and what pains and sadness they have had to endure
i can only hope that i don't burden them and make them sad
from reading all my rambling of emotions and such here
i know most all of my writings here are very depressing and such
but it does kind of help to, at least, get some of it out
and to put it here so that, perhaps, someone can read it
thanks for taking the time out of your day
and/or night and thanks for reading this
i see the beautiful field in the distance there
whenever i close my eyes and think of love
the one with the tall grasses and beautiful flowers
and the trees that sway like ballet dancers
i can see the waves of winds in the grasses
and the place where we can lie down and let the wind blow over us
it's nice to share with someone you love
with someone that loves you
but those places are bleak when loneliness is around 
when your heart withers from no love
those places can make the sadness waves turn into tsunamis
and so i try to stay in the spaces where i can maintain
where i can forget the sadness of my broken heart
and the pains and sufferings of life
to avoid the shame of the failure of a life i've lived
and to avoid the defeat of the constant mistakes i've made
for now, i just wished there was someone that cares 
someone to hold me and cuddle me as the emotions of my life
explode out from me in the form of tears
but alas, i have a cold empty bed to have to warm up instead

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne

12-16-2020 12:41 am

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my mind is blank,
absent some form of active thought
most thoughts rise like smoke in grey skies
the cold temperatures have arrived
laying down, at night, in an empty cold bed
a wait for my own body to slowly warm it
you see, it takes traveling to the moon alone
to gain an understanding
and learning to communicate with 
empty spaces and with silent things
the girl cat is currently eating
she still dreams in ways i can only wish for
it's like i'm walking on a small globe
constantly down a hill
struggling to keep my feet grounded
and shaking with each step i take
each step wants me to move faster and faster
.....that kind of gravity is the heaviest of all
all the while, i only want to lie down
on the ground and just gaze, endlessly, at the stars
oh, im tired....oh so very tired
an empty plate is just as heavy as a full plate
always nice to have a balance
but alas, i wouldn't know what balance even is
i see balance out there across the chasm of nothingness
a chasm of nothingness that has surrounded me
and marooned me on this small globe
and on the other side of the chasm
i can sometimes see beauty unimagined
small glimpses that seemingly torture me from afar,
jabbing and poking and prodding me to tears
perhaps similar to how a caged bird must feel 
the holidays are here which in turn means my birthday is near
it will be 45 years since i took my first breath of air
feels like so much longer than that
and often times i feel far far older than that as well
now days i often think of what is to come
feeling these emotions, thinking these thoughts
expressing them out to feel some relief
relief that someone might read it
and in their own mind, they might care
the future is so scary to me now
what happened to me?
did giving up drinking really put me here?
nah, i've just had time to feel and reel in
all the emotions i avoided while i did drink
it's all catching up to me i guess
perhaps if i ever finish my auto-biography
i should call it "How NOT to Live Life"
the weight of my life seems heavier than 
any stone or mountain or even planet
and my shoulders are crushed
with most all the bones broken
if only i had some drive left
if only i had a reason to push on...to fight on
instead i feel as a party balloon in the gutter
holes in it, ran over, dirty water soaked
unable to hold any air
sometimes i get tempted to answer the scam calls
on my phone, just to have someone to talk to
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
if only i had someone that cared
someone that really and truly cared
if only i could feel a hug
a real and true hug
how amazing it would feel
how humbling and warm it would feel
but my thinking of it right now
only makes me so incredibly sad
so insanely sad, that i'd rather stop thinking for right now
perhaps the magic of beautiful dreams will
massage my weak and frail mind whilst i sleep
i plead for a reprieve

øjeRum · Jorden Under Stille Vand

11-10-2020 21:02

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i find it more and more difficult to watch movies
as the loneliness has grown beyond what i
could imagine or think up
watching movies reminds me of what i don't have
it reminds me of those dreams i thought i had forgotten
and they always bring up that sadness
left behind after a middle aged lifetime of heartache
and rejection and failure 
that empty remnants of what was once a heart
every time i think i'm floating away from it all
some dream or some thought comes out of nowhere
and blasts me back down to the ground
and these days movies do this every single time
so now, i have stopped watching them
not much left in the way of distractions
i can feel imagination slipping
harder to try to imagine things....to imagine beauty
harder to drift into day dreams of magical lands
with pleasant breezes...an air of refreshment
i feel as a fireplace mantle in an abandoned house
coated in layer upon layer of dust
nothing but dust covered ash in the fireplace underneath
and my thoughts are too in the same sort of dust covering
i can feel air withering like lianas in dead forests
thoughts crumbling like stale bread crusts
an exhale of dry warm air onto weakened heartbeats
a song sung out of tune with a scared and weakened voice
a whip of thorned words shreds the tear drops from
unseen eyes...eyes that watch like stars in night skies
i see arms stretched open calling me home
and a bottomless canyon between 
i ride an engine car alone
and what words without thorns do i find?
only my own words that circle around my head
only my own thoughts that have 
ten million miles within them
drifting like bleached, weathered wood 
beached onto shores of the infinite spaces 
the infinite spaces of nowhere
a wandering soul floating through the vastness of empty space
plagued with loneliness
well, it's a choice really.
either the loneliness, which has some solace
or the further destruction of the crumbled
shreds of what is left of my heart
oh if only i could find proper words that would justly
describe what this feels like to me
the loneliness of nothing
there is literally no one on this planet
that understand or feels this alienation that i feel
and that i have felt all 44 years of my life
times when people give strange reactions to words or 
thoughts that i say
and the times when i thought i was connecting
was, potentially, nothing more than illusion of thought
and all the times i've reached out for love, acceptance
for a hint of normalcy have been met with crushing blows
or to have been strung along like a pet on a leash
only hints or tastes of things 
and being outspoken and seeing things from a different 
perspective gets me even further alienated
i can feel my emotions and thoughts drifting towards
a desperate darkness...not a darkness like evil
but rather a darkness like the nothingness of empty, outer space
i find my emotions and sadness and loneliness have begun
to visit me almost daily now and my tears fall frequently
i fear the solace that i find in my isolation is slowly fading
and that the echos of my dying thoughts and dreams will be 
consumed into the eternity of nothingness
but perhaps then, there will be no more suffering on either level
neither here nor there
alas i think nature will just have to take it's course
i fear any actions that i might take would only be 
an exercise in futility
the methodology of futility
listen, i think can hear them in the far off distance
probably just mistaking the winds of my mind
for them calling out to me
those that may be reading this

øjeRum · Carrying All Of Her Poems The Moon Wanders Through The Fog