random journal entry

ice cube trays filled with the stuff we don't want to deal with
so, we put it in the freezer of our minds to freeze for a later date
often times the toll it does take when we often wait till it's too late
those ice cubes will make your drink sour, your tea bitter
stuck with those ice cubes we have to make do, best we can, taking our stand
making our demands from life and living. it's unforgiving, but don't worry
we all get the same ride, just take it in stride, but stay away from pride.
it just seems like it's different for each of us, but it's not
we're all on this ride blind, steering wheel in hands, steering with no eyes
crashes and bumps are a guarantee, a mainstay, learning in life the hard way
best to take those ice cubes out and let them melt in the sink of life

this one is old and undated, but my guess is it's from around 1999 or 2000

untitled

assembly line ladders, ambient sounds of talking
these empty, crowded roads, crawling with the absence of activity
forgotten centuries. abandoned school buildings
littered lanes of thought, mental skeletons lying around our little
mental rooms where we sleep. trying to clean them all up
sweeping away but they just get rearranged, mixed up, scattered
but still remain. birds perch up in the mental rafters, looking down
on such a sight. they feel it is futile and they can do nothing but watch
cobwebs form in the corners of our minds
a treasure trove of nothing  to be caught, only lessons to us are taught
lights switching off and on by imaginary friends or thoughts of old
the ones that pressure us with the what ifs and could haves
we have control though, we just lose sight of the control panel you see.
these are our minds as we and time and life have defined them to be.
just remember to change our minds from time to time
spilling out these lines that i find, lost between the defined spaces
between tomorrow and yesterday. there's a time for these things
when it;s too late. it beams down on those familiar floors,
you can see it underneath the crack of the door
spilling through and onto all

about life

the child walks with mom holding her hand, unaware of what life could have in store for her.
unaware of heart ache and stress, skipping along free.
time passes and will also tell what will happen to that innocent little child.
lost souls wandering aimlessly, searching for who or what they are, lost by the confusion
this life throws our way.
when we're young we know the way, but life deters us from that as we age till we're endlessly
searching, crying, and dying.
it sets us up for defeat many times, some of which we need in order to learn
others we don't need and it pushes us further away from the way.
more and more time passes and we get pushed further and further away
till we're lost, aimlessly wandering like a lost child searching for it;s mother
experience will sometimes leave you in a cloud of dust and when you finally
clear your eyes, it;s almost too late and for some it is too late.

apparently this wasn't ever finished and upon rereading it
i decided it was fine just as it is.

about seperation

desperation, a choke hold on my mind forcing  most other thoughts out.
anxiety, a few walls caving in on my thoughts, stamping some of them out completely
a state of limbo, the unknown, no idea of where the mental boat is going or where it;s taking you
crying out, the one that gives relief while making you feel slightly worse
patience, a requirement to withstand any and all event that come into one's life
strength, holding on through anything and everything that might take you down

about life's emotions

these emotion filled drops seep out from the place that can't lie.
emanates out through experiences we can't understand at first.
flows down through memories and dreams cried and time flies by
driving through this cave with no lights, no map, no instruction manual,
no hints, and no foresight. only have to drive.
a battle to survive,even though the end result is death.
it's love that makes the ride worth while.
driving by trial and error. pushing until we're forced to walk, then crawl.
until the last moment forward, then comes the end.
never once being able to have a way to bend the rules, until we get
that one real love.
then we have the ability to push through the extremes of things

about thoughts and thinking

i sit here on this patio couch, my mind wandering and remembering things thus far in life.
chance occurrence of lazy thoughts.
wrestling mental bears, the pressure tears holes and rifts into further thoughts
combining all things we've been taught, struggling to make sense of it all.
we are blind in this life, heading head long into strife and collisions in
darkened caves with no lights to shine through to show us how and where we're heading.
i am sure we live for love. the "holy grail" of life.
continueing to hold onto viewing the past as important even though it's meaningless in the now.
we also reach towards the future more than we should.
digging up the way to get to where we want to be, is there really a pure event free from
want or thought manipulation?
we look and find things to distract us, but they only seem to destroy us

yet another random journal entry

cool air settles over warmer temperatures
we lost ourselves to materialism and triviality
things like "the way it was supposed to be"
and the should haves and could haves.
also lost ourselves to comparisons....
look at the henderson's new car,
the henderson's kids don't act like you
worst of all, the celebrity bullshit.
we've given ourselves much too high expectations,
we'll never reach our goals or be satisfied or even
surprised when our expectations are so high.
nor will we ever when we allow our decisions to be made for us.
our expectations create limitations....prevention controls our
creativity and overall happiness

watched an airplane fly by overhead and i thought of how the people in the plane
have no idea that they just became a part of someone's life that is on the ground
as i watched them enter my life and then leave as the plane flew out of sight

about footprints

these are the footprints we left when we were last here.
this is where we stood for a while.
you can see where we used to lay.
time has taken it's toll
all around are signs of time and pressure.
my eyes see where the truth lies as time flies.
i also hear cries from a distance. its very persistant
sound permeates into other areas
traveling towards and away from us, here where we stand
these cries create echoes which others pick up and carry.
in turn their cries echo and yet more pick up and carry
this will continue until the end of time.
some dont want to carry these cries, but eventually
we're all forced to carry them
sometimes the cries are given to us by our parents.
then we carry them all our lives
sometimes even giving them to our children
for some the cries are too much of a burden to carry and they fall
others can carry the burden, but are blinded by the stack of cries
unable to see where they're going, they crash
sometimes we find someone to walk with and, together,
we hold each other up, helping each other to the destination
we're all heading to.

permanent marks on our minds, causing us to keep searching until we find...our destination.

this crowded hall

this crowded hall, filled with doors, doors that we have no idea where they lead.
only our imaginations are there to allow us to guess. some of us never enter the doors.
some try, only to find the doors are locked. other enter the doors, only to return later.
others enter and never return. i've entered a few so far and here i am back in
this crowded hall. walking down this endless hall of crowded bodies.
some have stopped walking, others are running as best as they can in this crowded hall.
seeing people fall all the time, even falling down myself. one never knows which door is
open and which is locked. some wait at the locked door, hoping for it to unlock and
allow them passage into another experience, different from this crowded hall.
my door will come and patiently i walk, dreaming and building a small amount of
excitement for when my open door comes.

another random journal entry

i've sat here before, i recognize this smell...these walls...these people.
i feel the same feeling as before, familiarity and comfort, yet still
new and alien to me. i watch people pass as i sit here.
i imagine what could be and of what was.
centered here sitting, waiting, dreaming, and hoping
often someone comes to sit next to me.
i enjoy their company and conversation for a while.
i still sit and watch them get up and leave.
forced to watch them walk into the distance
and then out of sight, they somehow line my mind for a while.
appreciating what it was and the moments shared.
i also watch them eventually leave my mind,
waiting for that moment when i stand up with someone
and together walk away from that chair where i sat
never again to come back to sit there again.

a random journal entry

my mind has been void of anything particular lately.
reckless thoughts take precedence over the normal thought processes of my mind.
thoughts of old still linger, caressing my mind like fingers through hair.
these times are strange to me, although most of my life i've felt alienated,
so it's interesting that it seems more strange than ever before.
i sit here and watch the cars go by, people coming and going, living their lives
completely unaware that they just entered my life only to leave it just as fast.

so we've built this world around us off of memories, experience, and fear.
corruption flows through channels in our mind to the forefront of our experience.
peering into the past and into the future, fearing possibility and limitations.
it seeps out through the place that can not lie, constantly asking why,
creating events that make us all cry.we build walls to prevent us from a fall...
it's that fall that we need....we need to fall into experience.
the experience of love. the choice between the opposer  of love...which is fear.
letting go of what we hold so that then our lives are no longer cold.
it's that warmth that we need, taking us further in this world that we've built.
this world that we've built is careening out of control, digging ourselves further
down into the hole we're in. leaders misleading, guiding us to destruction.
a loss of proper function, so we begin to make assumptions.
falsity and deception are the norm. that's how we've been born...
into this world we've built. naturally, we have guilt and still, there's no change.