9-29-2020 01:20

this is more of  a
typical journal type entry 
for best results
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if it isn't auto-playing
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i have arrived at a cliff
a crossroads so to speak
the future, for so long,
seemed far away
like a satellite in orbit
until now
i see a path that has opened
and i feel it in my bones
to up and follow it
i can not say with certainty
why or where this came up from
but i feel like im being prodded
in that particular direction
the one routine that ive depended on
the one coping mechanism that
has been a mainstay for me
for around 20 years
will become a thing of the past
as for my chains ill just deal as best i can
a new perspective has come into view
my eyes fixed on potential
on a structured and purposeful life
oh this life, this life
so incredibly short
such a small amount of time
and to let go of everything
and dive into isolation
to envelop myself into it
getting lost in the minds spaces
lost in time's blur
to feel loneliness like i never have before
and, seemingly, out of nowhere
to arrive at this cliff
it's almost as if a light switch
has been switched on by a force
unknown to me
almost a spiritual force
all i need to do is jump
jump with optimism
into it all
i had felt a slight build up
for the past few weeks and month or so
like a reckoning building
it's as if i had to go into extreme isolation
as if the only way to begin to see
was to jump headlong into loneliness
the bitterness of a thousand years
oh i was filled with it
anger and bitterness...
those only act as cancer does
they eat you alive
and in fact is contagious
an example of this is the road rage
people often times have these days
and it's so easy to see how it can
turn into hate and rage
and close-mindedness
luckily i don't think i got that far
before this prodding hit me
an actual force that i felt in my body
i am here to love
we all were created to love
love each other
love our friends and family
it takes time to get herded into 
certain mindsets like anger and hate
that kind of pressure has to build up
and build up it does when we hold onto 
those things in life that hurt us
or hold on to the things that angered us
yet at the same time, 
love comes so easy and natural to us
not much effort, actually
no different than breathing air
sometimes it hits like a bolt of lightening
and so ive decided to love the world
even if i don't get the romantic love
even if i never do get that kind of love again
i can just give love to the world
to people, to family, to those in need
to share kindness every place i visit
even if i do end up wandering the earth
to begin to care about myself again
to be able to fly in skies of potential again
the very things that i feared for so long
yes, the world is strange, 
people are strange
but there's is incredible beauty in that
so many things to do and see
people to meet and love
places to go and share kindness
to share love
i think the world could use more love
love one another
give love and kindness
share love
we all were made to love
we all were made to share kindness
and so i embark on love for the world
and yes, i dream of magic and beauty
and yes, i am waiting to see what tomorrow
has in store, what kindness and
love i can share to someone
a musing on definition
on a life with purpose
and perhaps i will be able to
share love and kindness with you
those that read this

moshimoss · "Paris,Texas,Yamanashi" ambient live at Shibuya 7th Floor 2014.07.13

9-23-2020 01:12

i was listening to this song
and became overwhelmed with thoughts
that i felt had to be spilled out here
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then read

i've stubbed my toe on cemented thoughts,
as the sirens call from distant dreams
and like a lost cloud,
i float through eternity's embrace,
following the trails of those
who came before me
a wandering of souls in the wells
and beaches of infinity
clouds swirl with the wind's
paint brush strokes
as the sun cries in anguish
while it dazzles us with the magic
of it's setting rays on the horizon canvas
and all the while most heads are bent down
fixed on devices and at the artificiality
of "social medias"
too hypnotized to see the truth
to see the magic of real life
and so some of us have retreated
retreated to isolated days and ways
hiding away from the banality of
modern life, and the modern societal ways
and we have taken to talking to no one
and everyone that might see
i talk aloud to my cat,
i talk aloud to the television,
and I talk aloud to videos I watch online
as though I were talking to another person
a minds attempts to compensate for
the isolation of a year
the isolation of what seems like eternity
a windows view of an empty backyard
an aged chain link fence
of which is older than i am
i watch the changes of time
the trees and human interactions with nature
the cutting of tree limbs and grasses
the occasional pet that wanders along
and i watch in silence as, often times,
they are completely unaware of my presence
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
well, i guess most all of people
in this world are unaware of my presence
and perhaps that is just fine by me
as there are alot of hunters at the ready
slowly, dreams and aspirations seem to
be getting buried into nothingness
buried down and forgotten
as the blur of time and isolation
pours heavy the soils of absence
the weather has been beautiful
for the past two days
rainy overcast skies and cool temperatures
the suns light behind clouds of beauty
pouring it's soul out onto the earth
almost like a middle aged man
in an empty room pouring his soul out
on here for all to see

searching

completely undecided on this
i like and dislike it
and i think it is finished
and also unfinished
as per custom, scroll down
and click play first,
then read

look out across this field
don't you see?
don't you know?
you were out there searching too
wasn't too long ago
we've all been here searching
but there are no answers there
no answers between the blades of grass
that sway in the winds of words
no answer to pick from the flower stalks
or from the branches of trees
that dance in the sun's spotlight
painted mountains glow
feathered clouds hover
follow the blade of grass that
beckons the way to nowhere
follow the chirp of birds
to swirl around in circles
you must see this, don't you?
searching infinitesimally
you were out there searching too
out among the others
searching for something that
we cant quite figure out
searching for the answers to questions
we've asked before
questions we don't yet understand
questions that we're not even aware of yet
looking for something to soothe the pains
of wounds, that often times,
we don't even remember
searching down mental corridors
down the late night city streets
and dance floor fantasies
searching at the bottom of bottles
bottles of forgetfulness or shame
to help us even forget our own names
to forget ourselves
falling down into beds of despair
into the webs woven by others
to trap and confine within the needs
of someone else also searching
saying all the right things
tickling all the right places in the heart
of dreams eternal
and when one of us falls
another comes behind us searching
searching in the same places
and in the same ways
making the same mistakes
or getting destroyed in the same ways
and a single blade of grass falls to the dirt
falls to the dirt

9/9/2020

scroll down first and click play
if it is not autoplaying
and then read, thanks for your attention

the days are growing shorter
as the sun is starting to set earlier
isolation with no inspiration
words trapped in cycles
flowing in circles
cold wind begins to blow
a sliver of feathery clouds in midnight skies
my favorite times were always
driving around between 3am and 5am
roads were quiet and with soothing aesthetics
oh how comforting it felt then
alone driving with beautiful sounds
empty roads while the city sleeps
the blanket of darkness and twinkling stars
and yet it was especially magical
during the cooler seasons
overcast skies with hints of the moon
taking a peak down on us weary wanderers
meandering around in the late night early morning
oh how i miss that comfort
comfort
rare are the days of late when comfort visits me
null are the days when my heart feels the warmth
of love and elation
i feel lost
huh, i feel worse than lost
a man with no meaning
no purpose and flawed design
i once thought to love might have
been my purpose
and indeed somewhere inside,
i think maybe it still is
but my view for the past year and some months
has been so far away
like being on the top floor of a very tall building
looking out from the observation floor
to the horizon, trying to see it out there
always wondering if i can fly as i gaze
some days i wonder what a jump like that would feel like
i had a dream about it the other night
would time seemingly stand still while falling
what thoughts would flood the mind
or would it be the first time to be free of thought
well, it was a comfort back then
to enjoy a night out on the town,
and then to go up to the top of a building downtown
and watching the horizon with the night sky
i often wonder why the night sky and
night time city lights seem so intriguing
why my favorite days are with
overcast skies and cool temperatures
why my path was always against the norm
if everyone was doing this one thing
i was always opposite of it
.....those paths are the loneliest and most narrow
why i couldn't ever conform to the norms
conformity always felt and still does feel
so bland and totally monotonous
oh, i've imagined many times over
how different life would be
am sure my path would be wide and filled with plenty
those thoughts always seem like just
another musing on purposelessness
oh, there's so many things, though, that i'd
like to do, places i'd like to go
distances i'd like to drive to
during the beauty of star lit skies and empty roads
the soothing comfort
driving endlessly
no destination, no plan
and oh how magical it would be to have
someone by my side that cared and loved me
we don't know loneliness until
we've been without human contact
without anything and everything
pertaining to friendship
or to love
we need love, we need friendship
as i've sat in this isolation
i've felt as a withering flower must feel
in an empty vase, on an empty table
and in an empty room of an empty house
energy withers, will is non-existent
i cant help but to cry
to feel all the emotions of my whole life
well up whilst in this isolation
the fear of everyone and everything
the overwhelming sound of thoughts
wrapped around my neck
choking the life of dreams and desires
out of my mind and into the tears of sadness
that flow down my worn cheeks
and to notice how heavy it feels to inhale and exhale
how heavy it feels to just be
a child is born, bringing happiness and joy
a lonely homeless man with out a past or future dies
and yes, a middle aged reclusive man
sits in an empty room spilling his heart out