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thanks for your attention
well now, it's been quite some time since i've written anything
these days my mind is a blank, my feelings, non existent
neither happy, nor sad, not even melancholy
because that would at least be feeling something
it's like the nothing came, but it hit my mind, my heart
and so, ive had a lack or words, a lack of things to say
a lack of emotions to pour out here in despair
i reverted to avoiding people and conversations
but i still maintain sobriety
the past 2 days have been the first time ive felt a kind of sorrow
or sadness i think because i watched a movie that brought out
the feeling of being loved and cherished
so as much as i attempted to push it down it came up
and i wept for the first time in years
a strange feeling to weep and feel sad
ive become so very very used to feeling absolute nothing
so when this hit i was taken aback by it
i wished i could say i went and started seeing a counselor
but this is not the case, ive just put myself into places
that dont exist, into digital worlds and digital lives
of video game realities, being a hero or a provider
into stories of old and new, a hideaway of sorts
distracted away from loneliness or sadness or shame
the longing for love, for a home of my own
of things that are long too late for me now
like having a son or daughter......a wife
funny now im 48 years old and time has
begun to fly by so much faster than while i was still drinking
the years have just blazed by in an absolute blur
a single day is done almost as fast as it started these days
and i watch also as the world becomes more and more crazy
with each passing day, as each midnight comes and then goes
i can't help but notice how, even more so now than ever before,
people are so incredibly controlled and guided....led
led by external forces they are not even aware of
or if they're aware, they just disregard
our young people being used as weapons in a game no one wins
led to hate and division all whilst claiming love
pushed to specific positions like pieces on a chessboard
pushed into opinions and ways of thinking specifically
designed to destroy, to defeat the individual
jumping on bandwagons and blindly following the (mis)leader
the world and society have been set ablaze and the people are
none the wiser, led by smart devices and social media
and systems of control that twist the minds and starve it of love
pushing fear as a mainstay to maintain primitive thought
to cause emotional reactions instead of cognitive logic as reactions
overly emotional states maintained which in turn creates instability
i think back to the days before the internet was around
how so much more stable society was how less divided and logical
how incredibly obvious it all actually is
and yet society is so incredibly blind to it
and in some cases they've purposely turned a blind eye to it
married to ideologies and narratives, to agendas, to politics
there has never been a time in my life where ive felt more alienated
and separate from the world than i feel now
nearly impossible to relate to others now days
most my age are grand parents and live family lives
i on the other hand, have never been married and have no kids
the world is so incredibly strange now
as i watch it from afar, i cant help but feel a sadness
a sadness for us all, a sadness for the children of the world
for the birds and trees and those beautiful green meadows of tall grasses
and as another midnight passes by
i cant help but to be reunited with the sad emotions
brought on by a lack of love, by a world set on fire
