6-24-2021 11:15pm

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inspiration....hmm
well, i don't find there's much in the world
today to inspire any form of thought or
thinking without being an echo
and i don't want to drone on
about the life of a middle aged lonely guy
out of touch with society
society such as it is today
and i don't want to drone on about the neighbor's
dog and it's noise of insanity that 
slices my mind and sanity with razor sharp
barks that echo in my mind loudly
and shakes my brain and heart and soul
so ill drone on about how it took me 
an hour to find a song to soothe my mind
....soothe my heart
a song to listen to and close my eyes
to feel for a moment and allow some thought
to enter my mind and for the emotion to begin
to well up in my mind like water in a glass
water that i'd rather drink down anyway
what words of mine are there?
what conjuration of contemplation of mine is there?
what part of me is still there trapped
between the yesterdays and tomorrows?
between the broken heart and the hope for 
what tomorrow might bring
trapped in the looped mind of fear
the circle of circles
it's harder and harder to see light
harder and harder to push forward
feels like being in a very long train tunnel 
through a mountain 
what do i do when inevitability kicks in?
pressure builds
it's harder and harder to write out what i feel
and how to say it
and i think it is harder and harder to believe
that anyone gives a damn anyway
sometimes i sit still for a moment 
and i try to feel my heart beating in my chest
sometimes it's easy to feel
since ive always had around a 104 heart rate
and the beats are sometimes strong
and of course i always acknowledge that
one day this old heart will stop beating
this old brain will stop thinking
this old soul and "heart" will stop aching
and will stop getting broken and smashed
that this old guy wont be around to 
feel the loneliness of an empty, abandoned house
with dust and dirt and cobwebs covering everything
wont be around to feel the rejection of ten thousand lives
all rolled up into one
strange thoughts for sure
i remember going to a house,
apparently they were mom and dads friends,
and they had peacocks there and a swimming pool
with thick green algea growing in it
and the water was dark with lots of leaves
they had this trailer outside with a lot of very long
florescent light bulb tubes in it
and they would pick one up and point it up at the
huge powerlines that went over it
and the light bulb tube would light up
was very interesting to me at that age
i don't remember it well, other than that
i wished my memory had not been effected such as it was
by life, by pills, by being born in a world
that i rarely ever related to or felt a part of
that only once or twice did i ever felt like i belonged to
how would i act if i decided to jump back into society?
what would i even begin to say to someone new?
would it be a mere gluttony of punishment and pain?
and at my age how could i start?
most people my age are married and have kids
how would i relate to them...those that made it?
and now that i do not drink at all, how would i go
about meeting these new people?
before the booze was the liquid courage
talk to anyone for any reason without a care
now  there's a slight terror in that
well, maybe not terror, but rather reluctancy to it
oh well, my thoughts are lit up here
but they rise like dark smoke in the middle of the night
barely seen by any and mostly going unnoticed
i don't really know how i feel either
do i even remember how to feel?
after 3 or so years of isolation
oh i will go to eat with my father to a restaurant
occasionally, but i keep my head down
looking at either the ground or the table
or glancing at my father
but i quickly go home thereafter
most of the time i don't feel comfortable going
but he really enjoys eating out but don't like 
going alone so i go anyway, even when i don't 
feel emotionally well or when i'd rather stay home
since he is in the golden years of life
i try to think of him and what he enjoys
i only wished i had lived a better life
for him and my mother
i wished i hadn't failed and made such a folly of my life
i feel such an incredible sense of shame because of that
no amount of showering or scrubbing
can wash that blood off of me
i can't think of it too much either
it is far far far too painful
and i'm already dangling by a thread as it is
trapped and tortured is putting it all lightly
sometimes i sit back and feel my inhales and exhales
i will close my eyes and think of how each breath
is a moment gone into the past
that will never be again
and of course i also think of one day these old lungs of mine
no longer inhaling and exhaling
oh how fast and short life is
how cruel it's ways of things are with 
the learning of lessons the hardest way 
and most of the time learning those lessons when it's too late
and the damage or damages are already done
i sit here as another midnight came and went
dazed with an overwhelming melancholy
inundating my brain and encapsulating my
ability to dream
it's funny that i said i wasn't going to drone on
about the life of a middle aged guy
and here i went back to that again
guess it's that swirl of thought in the headspace
suddenly i am overwhelmed with this thought:
i'm sorry mom and dad for being such a failure
and i'm sorry for all the troubles i ever caused you both
i'm sorry to anyone and everyone that i have ever hurt
both people i knew and those i may not have known
i only wished i could have done better in this life
the girl cat waits for me to pet her while i lay on the bed
waiting for unconsciousness to take over
another midnight came and went and i....
i sat here in the same way as the past 3 years or so
who am i really?
no one at all

6-18-2021 11:30pm

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rarely do i give myself downtime
typically i try to keep my mind busy
sometimes i do think a bit when doing mundane 
daily chores like cleaning or mowing the grass
things that are so habitual they don't require
actual cognitive thought
sometimes even thinking deeply on things
and occasionally i will be thinking
and i will suddenly get this feeling come over me
as if i touched on something extremely significant
almost like a jolt through the soul or something
and ill try to remain in that thought, but the feeling
subsides, sometimes because i will get
uncomfortable and cancel the thought
and other times it just goes away on it's own
i cant remember specifics at the moment
of course i will also get some spiritual type thoughts 
as well, about God or the universe and such
well, i had the strangest dream the other night,
been a while since i had a dream
but the one i had about a week ago
was beyond surreal and strange
i know there was some stuff before what i remember
but i cant remember exactly what it was
i dreamt that i was walking along side walks
that were pristine, like they were brand new
a side walk like a road
it went down and under a bridge
i remember looking around 
and seeing landscape that also seemed new
as i got closer to the underpass
there was steps going down and about
halfway down i noticed what seemed like trash,
pieces of food and paper scraps as well as a wadded up
paper towel and i thought how did all that get here
then i saw a large paper towel on the ground
with what looked like human feces on it
as i turned back after looking around, 
there i saw a severed man's head and
just passed that a another paper towel
with yet more human feces on it
i got such a strange feeling from looking at the head and 
two paper towels with human feces on it
it has bothered me off and on all day as well
like why did i dream that, firstly
and secondly, why did it seem as though it was 
significant? poop and a severed man's head?
it's position was angled as if it were looking at the sky
the bottom lip was damaged and the head was very dirty
i walked down and looked back at it
before waking up feeling so surreal and strange
so very strange, like kind of disturbed,
but more puzzled and surreal
even now when i think on it, feels so bizarre
well, the tinnitus has been exceptionally loud this evening
i feel strange lately, like an uncertainty
like i've arrived at some unseen threshold 
it often has an uncomfortable feeling to it
a sort of anxious feeling, unnerving
suddenly a thought comes to my mind
of tumbling down a hill when i was a child
and imagining how it would be as i am now
full grown, middle aged, and somewhat overweight
and of course my mind automatically thinks
of what that thought could mean
what it could imply or connote
maybe it's some kind of mid-life lunacy, ha ha
at the moment the crunching of cat food enters the air
and blends in with the tinnitus and the sound 
the song below
and i close my eyes and see a swirl of white lines and dots 
going in circles and then faces of people ive never seen before
last night i thought about loneliness again
loneliness is yelling out into a tunnel or canyon
and the only thing you hear is the sound of your own echo
taunting back at you
ive been invited to go to my father's father's day celebration
at my sisters house, but ive been estranged from them
a torn feeling between being there for my dad and wanting to
stay home and out of society, even though it's just family
but i guess it will depend on how i feel when i wake up tomorrow
anyways, my head is like a pressurized fog
my thoughts are like a swirl of dots and
white lines on a pitch black background
my feelings.....my feelings are like nothing
my feelings are irrelevant
they are like the dust on fireplace mantles in abandoned houses 
and my form?
my form is like the cobwebs in the corners of those abandoned
dusty houses
i love the photography of abandoned houses
there's something to the looks of it
i guess some kind of me relating to it kind of thing, i don't know
i did a little photography of such some years back
i wonder if i still have those photos somewhere
echos and dusty cobweb
well, as another midnight's passing
and as the seconds tick by like clouds moving across the sky
in summers hug of warmth
i think, perhaps, i actually need to think more
as painful as it can be 
a sort of exercise of the mind of sorts
but right now the bed calls as my eyes are heavy
and my mind is blank