11-7-2021 11:24pm

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i've not much to say these days
as the season changes and
the days grow short
days where music tells a better tale
and so i will leave this song here
perhaps it can tell you too a tale
a tale that my words can not
that my thoughts and emotions can not tell
well, i feel decently of late
thoughts still swirl
and the girl cat still dreams
and the neighbors still destroy
the peace and gentle quiet of the neighborhood
which in turn bashes my sanity
a loud truck or loud stereo or both
my world has changed
and yes, perhaps, i've changed
perhaps because of it all
perhaps because of 3 years of isolation
sober isolation
it has been extraordinarily difficult
and yet the past few months has calmed
things seem easier to see and observe these days
i think everyone should stop and disconnect
sober up for a while and isolate for a while
maybe then we will pay attention to the birds
that sing and watch the trees that dance 
see the wind caressing the meadows of grass
or watch the dog or cat play in the suns rays
maybe then we can see one another actually
maybe then the world would explode with love all around
until then i sit back and watch
as people are ads in magazines
i watch as leaves swirl on the ground 
i watch as years pass like water trickling
down the rooves of homes after a storm
watch how we too are like that water
that trickles down roof tops
here for a short while, then gone 
don't forget to be kind to one another
and as another midnight passes
i hope for clarity for the world
as i sit watching time dance with the world
watching time dance with the world....

Jeannine Schulz · When The Monk Found A Feather

9-17-2021 11:45pm

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i close my eyes to see the sky
something like a memory from Sunset (a city)
or perhaps how i try to imagine it to be
i used to look at the sky every night
especially after a night of drinking 
always felt as if i am on the edge
of touching on something important 
so sometimes i'd stare at the sky
for a long while getting lost in it
lost in thought
i think if i went and looked at the sky now
i'd imagine each twinkle or bright star
as a single thought, or one soul
perhaps i could reach up and touch one
or just make eye contact 
perhaps i'd imagine each twinkle as 
a memory of days past
like when i was a child in elementary school
was a snowed and iced day and the sloped
ground outside of one of the fifth grade classrooms
was frozen with ice and we were running
and sliding down it on our feet to see 
who could make it the furthest
i close my eyes to see the wind blowing
something like a feeling of calmness
soothing ripples in fields of grasses green
and trees waving for me to come
and envelop myself in such a comfort
a local tv station here used to have a
station id video that played that would
show a scene of high grasses flowing in the wind
and some kind of structure of which i can't 
remember, but i remember getting that deep feeling
i've spoken about here before
a creative block has hit lately
so i've not had much to say
no formulations of articulation to toss out here
even in spite of all the insanity going on in the world
i can only think of those fields of flowing grasses
those stars in the night sky
those memories that tap my mind
like a hand tapping my shoulder
i can't help but to feel that i miss those times dearly
those late night moments of solace
solace after drinking and sitting somewhere
just staring at the night sky
i can not say what the connection was
except for the fact that it was some of the few times
in my life that i've felt comforted or connected to something
other than when i've felt loved of course
i say something because ive no idea what the connection
was or is only that i felt i was connecting to something
and as another midnight passes i sit thinking
trying to figure it all out as the world goes crazy
i sit wondering if i will ever find those fields
of grass waving in the wind
that will embrace me with a hug 

Night Note · NLS - 2021 - 09 - 13

8-21-2021 11:23pm

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i originally wrote this 
at the time listed
but was unsure about  it
decided to post it anyway
thanks for your attention

i'm a whisper away from lightening strikes
and i'm a thousand miles from any voice
i fly like leaves in fall's breeze
but only when the tears stop
there's a feather flipping and floating 
in the earth's breath, carefree
and there's souls pleading for mercy 
pleading for humanity, for someone to care
i tip toe through thoughts that make
what's left of my heart melt and break
i rest on tear soaked pillows
and i dream of a life never lived

i dove from the plane of emotions
soaring through the air of broken dreams
to crash and burn in the real world

watching the world burn,
both literally and figuratively
weighs heavy on my shoulders
people discarded like empty bottles
this time in isolation now almost seems
as if my mind has been sharpened like a knife
my heart almost feels as if it is beginning to rise
this fire that burns inside grows
and my desire has begun to poke through
through those darkened clouds of melancholy
feels like there's just some things i must see to
to get things in order before whatever is to come
there's most definitely something in the air
across this entire planet
it seems to me, it has become quite
impossible not to acknowledge
if one is living with their eyes open,
and they are looking ahead 
i really hope that humanity can rise together
to overcome the evil that runs rampant all over
that we can all look at  each other with
love, compassion, and understanding

well, i don't know what will happen
i don't even know where i'll end up
i don't even have a plan, but 
i do have a will
and as the old saying goes
where there's a will, there's a way
and as another midnight passes
i hope to rest easy with the potentials
of what could be on my mind

i feel a positivity growing

Last Days · Fading Shore

8-9-2021 11:32pm

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i sometimes sit down to empty
the contents of my mind
and will sit for a while overthinking every
single thought that comes to mind
sometimes it becomes an inner struggle
of which i end up tossing the thoughts
out and scrapping anything i had written
i even have gone back and reread some
of the things i've written before
back when i was still drinking
and compared them to things ive recently written
and i think did drinking really change me that much
or did i myself change because of my deep
isolation and sobriety that is still ongoing
i think deep down i've always felt big
had deep thoughts and emotions
but i buried most of myself away with drinking
and self destructive behaviors 
but perhaps i have changed a bit
i think it is impossible to have such an isolation
and to not be changed by it 
especially in the way i did
going from being an extremely social person
to an isolated hermit rarely going outside
going from tons of friends to practically none
and all the while coming to the age realization
that i'm 45 years old and a crossroads is very very near
the reality of mortality and life and life with no meaning
and the constant struggles that go with that
and all the while with no support system
so sometimes ill sit down with plenty of thoughts
just to get up having written nothing down
i guess ill admit i'm probably not the same 
person i was back then and i most definitely 
feel different inside
the core of me is the same, 
it's hard to say, though, how i feel these days
so much intense repetition and habit
that life has blurred
so much isolation that my feelings and thoughts
appear in my head the way dust or lint appears
when it's in the air and it goes into the light of a sunbeam
those tiny sparkles and the floating tumbles in the air
for some reason lately, i've started to feel 
a kind of burning inside, like a fire is lit
no idea why or what it is about, but for now i
entertain this feeling and i don't push it out
and as another midnight passes
and the and as the flames of insanity burn brightly 
on the horizons of people the world over
i sit here thinking
sifting through the days thoughts
curious of what the burning inside may mean

Artem Amirkhanyan · Է

i used to drink

 i wrote this a few nights ago
i know ive written about it before
but i couldn't shake the thought 
off until i wrote it here
was unsure about posting it
but what the hell
as usual and for best effect/results
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i used to drink to feel normal
even if for a few hours in a night
i used to drink to chase dreams into 
the infinite glass bottom
i used to drink to hide from realities
that are chained to me, holding me
i used to drink so that i could stop
thinking and to stop feeling
i used to drink
it's been so long since i drank
that i've forgotten how long it's been
i'm going to guess i quit in or around 2018
so weird to think it's been that long
part of me, so very much, misses chasing dreams
into infinite glass bottoms
feeling normal for just a few hours
but in my mind set and at this stage in my life
drinking is pointless
it was always an act of futility
throwing money away to purposely
harm my body......my mind
"a shot of Jameson"
"vodka with a splash of sprite"
like going down a water slide
a blur going down each time
watching the years go by like the 
pages of a flip book
faces like city lights
eyes like laser beams
emotions like dynamite
a haze of peasantries and illusions
a plethora of souls running the same 
running from the past, from pain
from realities unknown
searching for answers, solutions
searching for distractions from the life
they already live, but lost sight of
times like these i really really miss
that drunken stupor of vodka soaked 
dreams and dance floor scenes
gulp one down and get on the dance 
floor and close your eyes and sail away
into an empty room with lights like thoughts
and comfortable feelings like arms from a hug
and occasionally opening your eyes
only for a moment before hiding away again
or dashing to the bar again for more
of course in today's world and way of things
chasing dreams in bottles and going the way of 
blackout drunkenness would be so very good
but there's something in the air
something deep inside me
giving me the will to never drink again
like something telling me not to because
there's something going on
because of some other reasoning, i'm unaware of
sure i miss it dearly at times
but i have zero desire for it
same with  smoking cigarettes
i so very much miss the flavor of cigarettes
and the smell of them as well
always loved the smell of them since i was a child
and to this day i still love the smell of cigarette smoke
but i've no desire at all to smoke again
not sure why this all came to me tonight
or why i couldn't stop thinking about it
but figured i'd take note of it here
as another midnight passes me by

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

7-18-2021 11:23pm

as always, for best result/effect
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just a little more of the contents
of my thoughts and feelings

my mind has been more active than usual
lately and i'm not sure why
something is in the air
i can feel it clearly 
seeing the state of societies across the world
so much has boiled up and is pouring over
evil running rampant, unrest all over the world
like never before...never before
we have gone so far off the path
and so far away from beauty
and i'm beginning to feel as though there is 
literally no going back now
people pushing evil as though it were good
hate soaring through the skies of innocence
i really feel bad for the world
the world is harsh enough as it is
why do people have to make it harder
why do they seem to want to make it harder, 
more evil, more death and destruction
they seem to enjoy such things
people living life as if life goes on forever
as if none of us dies, even though we all do
every single person or animal ever born
will die with 100% death rate
and with such a short amount of time given
why would we not want to do good,
spread kindness, TRUE kindness
not that fake doing kind acts for likes on "social medias"
not that false representation of kindness
i feel when the act of doing a kind act
is of a selfish intent, it counteracts and destroys
the entire point of doing kind acts
and when i close my eyes,
i can see a cat playing in a field with grasses tall
chasing grasshoppers and butterflies
and when i open my eyes
i can see the world aflame
with people broken and beaten...defeated
and children laying dead or dying
their minds were twisted with lies and deceit
guided to the path of sheer defeat
i can see love out there
struggling to stay afloat in that
big sea of flames ... the flames of hatred
the flames of lies and deceit
and so most days i wanna keep my eyes closed
but obviously that's impossible
sometimes i'll stop, in the rare occasions
that i do go somewhere, and really look at people
i will look at their hands and their faces
into their eyes and try to see their pains
to try to imagine the hardships they may have had
look at them as a human being that has cried
that has hurt, and has been hurt and possibly has hurt others
if only we all could stop and just look at each other
never mind any stupid differences
never mind any stupid groups that we so blindly put ourselves into
any labels to separate us from the truth
if only we could all just connect as human beings
because at the end of the day, that is literally ALL we are
just human beings
we came into this world in the exact same way
our hearts beat in the same way
we bleed the same and get sick the same
we cry the same, we hurt and laugh and love the same
we go through the same things in this life
learning, loving, hurting, losing,
sometimes needing help, other times helping others
and yes we all experience death
it's too bad the whole world cant stop and just look
at one another, share a tear, share a hug,
share the beauty of being a human being
oh how i wished the world was different
how i wished people were different
oh my brain and it's ways of thought
these kind of haunting thoughts
and the imagining of what the world would be like
if we all did stop and just really looked at each other
allow the natural connections of the human experience
i think the world would see alot more love growing
but ah hell, what would i know?
i just really feel a quickening building
some kind of otherworldly pressure
not to sound too crazy, but like there's a huge
reckoning coming to the earth, to us all
i feel it now more than ever
something building in the atmosphere of this universe
i cant put my finger on it, but it feels as real and tangible
as food or clothes or the beds we lay in
and as another midnight passes by
i can't help but think of what possible future
may come to be upon this earth
and my heart weeps for the world
for human beings, for all of us on this planet
and yes i also weep because of loneliness, isolation
because of a lack of love and of the care of others
and i fear, greatly, the day when i no longer weep

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

7-3-2021 11:45pm - 7-7-2021 10:30pm random thoughts

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and then read
originally started writing this
on the third and decided
to finish it now

it's funny how our minds will remember things
that, seemingly, don't have any significance
or perhaps it's just that we're unaware of the
significance of the memory
like once when i was a kid i went to a church
camp out event held in Eufaula Oklahoma
and i remember going into a store that the
bus had stopped at and seeing a fish tank with 
large fish in it and remembering how it seemed
kind of dark inside the store, but i remember 
how it felt cool and soothing 
i've no idea why that memory is still there considering
i must have been like nine, ten, or eleven years old then
perhaps a bit younger, but i can't be certain
i think my absolute earliest memory i have
is looking up at a radio transmitter/receiver tower
i must have been young enough to be held
as my mom walked towards a building
i was fixated on those towers and had that
intense feeling i've spoken about in posts before
of which i have never figured out why those
towers gave me such feelings
even as recently as 5 years ago or longer
you'd be surprised how fast time seems to fly by
when you've isolated yourself from the world
how a year can seem like a week
or how you can go from 42 years old to suddenly 45
and everything is a blur from repetition
routine, and habit
i sometimes can't get over how strange
this world is and how strange people are
all the various mechanisms of control we place
on each other and in fact on the world
one person thinks they have it all figured out
and they think they know best for all others
even though, NONE of us have it figured out
we never do even to the very moment we die
oh sure we can have understandings of things,
but we don't know outright
life, as i see it, is like driving a car through a cave
at midnight, without lights, without gps
riding blind, crashing and burning all the way
and to make matters worse there are too many
people that just follow the leader
too many that jump on bandwagons
even when the wagon is on fire and self destructive
and yes of course controlled by 
social medias and news medias
minds guided by hands that want us to be defeated
hands and minds that want us all to fight and hate and kill
and destroy everything
and to destroy love
but hey, what do i know, right?
im middle aged and failed at life
and i too am riding blind
or i should say merely existing blind
oh hell, my thoughts have been swirling again
i remember a dream i used to have
when i was younger
of being in a coffee shop that i used to frequent
and sitting at the bar with a sandwich and tea
i was talking to a female friend that i had
and i heard the sound of loud music
and time seemed to slow down and
my view switched to the third person
and i could see myself sitting there
and the car with the loud music 
started shooting into the coffee shop
even though i was in the third person,
 i could still feel everything
i was shot in the shoulder and in the chest
and i started to slump, but then a bullet 
hit me in the head and i dropped 
like a thousand pound weight 
into the ocean
i remember feeling the pain for a split second
until i felt nothing and i was looking 
down on myself and my friend that was crying 
over me and hugging me
as if i were a security camera
before the head shot, i felt the wound on 
my shoulder and ran my finger around and slightly 
into the wound....such an immensely strange feeling
ive had a number of strange dreams lately
one of which was unsettling and scary to me
a few of them included me killing myself 
in various different ways
and then some of the dreams were almost indescribable 
like in a wave of some kind of pulse
and thoughts were laid out like cutouts from a book
and randomly one of those thoughts would pop like a bubble
and seemingly disappear completely except for 
this kind of residue type haze or smear left behind
i cant even find the words to justly describe it all
why does this brain of mine have to be so strange?
i can see a glass on a table
and water is slowly being poured into the glass
and the glass is nearly full
and i can see people walking outside in 
hazes and dazes hypnotized by glowing screens
and talking heads telling them what to think
and how to act and yes even how to treat others
there isn't much room out there for a guy like me
i don't fit in anywhere and never did really fit in
when i was young i tried to find others like me
out there in the world and i thought i had found them
in the goth or new waver community
the goth club i frequented for twenty years off and on
i wanted to find other independent thinkers
other so called non-conformists, except without the lawlessness
i did meet some good people there
but also alot of nonsense as well
and as i stayed in that world of friends and peoples,
i slowly began to see that the majority of the people
were not non-conformists at all,
not quite the independent thinkers i thought were there
that in fact the majority of them were conformists all the way
alot of those bandwagon types as well as
the go along to get along ones, those fake it till you make it types
there is such an overwhelming self destructiveness in the 
whole fake it till you make it way of things
in the whole go along to get along mentalities
ive always thought that if you feel it, be it
if you're sad inside, be sad, let the emotion out
if you're mad, be mad
all within reason of course, ya don't want to go crazy
it's just not good to let things build up inside
rather it be sadness or anger or frustration or whatever
anything else don't seem to make sense
well, i guess there's a method to it all,
a way of life keeping a balance in all things
anyhow, i sit here now in this way
thinking of this world and my perception of it all
and typing out my thoughts and feelings here
im not sure what else to do with my thoughts
as i sit here withering like a single lonely flower
in a dusty old vase sitting in an empty
abandoned house
as another midnight passes me by 
contemplating various thoughts
thinking of the universe
of how i remember happiness
of what i remember how love feels
thinking about life and it's end
like lights in a room
ah well, i guess i refrain

6-24-2021 11:15pm

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inspiration....hmm
well, i don't find there's much in the world
today to inspire any form of thought or
thinking without being an echo
and i don't want to drone on
about the life of a middle aged lonely guy
out of touch with society
society such as it is today
and i don't want to drone on about the neighbor's
dog and it's noise of insanity that 
slices my mind and sanity with razor sharp
barks that echo in my mind loudly
and shakes my brain and heart and soul
so ill drone on about how it took me 
an hour to find a song to soothe my mind
....soothe my heart
a song to listen to and close my eyes
to feel for a moment and allow some thought
to enter my mind and for the emotion to begin
to well up in my mind like water in a glass
water that i'd rather drink down anyway
what words of mine are there?
what conjuration of contemplation of mine is there?
what part of me is still there trapped
between the yesterdays and tomorrows?
between the broken heart and the hope for 
what tomorrow might bring
trapped in the looped mind of fear
the circle of circles
it's harder and harder to see light
harder and harder to push forward
feels like being in a very long train tunnel 
through a mountain 
what do i do when inevitability kicks in?
pressure builds
it's harder and harder to write out what i feel
and how to say it
and i think it is harder and harder to believe
that anyone gives a damn anyway
sometimes i sit still for a moment 
and i try to feel my heart beating in my chest
sometimes it's easy to feel
since ive always had around a 104 heart rate
and the beats are sometimes strong
and of course i always acknowledge that
one day this old heart will stop beating
this old brain will stop thinking
this old soul and "heart" will stop aching
and will stop getting broken and smashed
that this old guy wont be around to 
feel the loneliness of an empty, abandoned house
with dust and dirt and cobwebs covering everything
wont be around to feel the rejection of ten thousand lives
all rolled up into one
strange thoughts for sure
i remember going to a house,
apparently they were mom and dads friends,
and they had peacocks there and a swimming pool
with thick green algea growing in it
and the water was dark with lots of leaves
they had this trailer outside with a lot of very long
florescent light bulb tubes in it
and they would pick one up and point it up at the
huge powerlines that went over it
and the light bulb tube would light up
was very interesting to me at that age
i don't remember it well, other than that
i wished my memory had not been effected such as it was
by life, by pills, by being born in a world
that i rarely ever related to or felt a part of
that only once or twice did i ever felt like i belonged to
how would i act if i decided to jump back into society?
what would i even begin to say to someone new?
would it be a mere gluttony of punishment and pain?
and at my age how could i start?
most people my age are married and have kids
how would i relate to them...those that made it?
and now that i do not drink at all, how would i go
about meeting these new people?
before the booze was the liquid courage
talk to anyone for any reason without a care
now  there's a slight terror in that
well, maybe not terror, but rather reluctancy to it
oh well, my thoughts are lit up here
but they rise like dark smoke in the middle of the night
barely seen by any and mostly going unnoticed
i don't really know how i feel either
do i even remember how to feel?
after 3 or so years of isolation
oh i will go to eat with my father to a restaurant
occasionally, but i keep my head down
looking at either the ground or the table
or glancing at my father
but i quickly go home thereafter
most of the time i don't feel comfortable going
but he really enjoys eating out but don't like 
going alone so i go anyway, even when i don't 
feel emotionally well or when i'd rather stay home
since he is in the golden years of life
i try to think of him and what he enjoys
i only wished i had lived a better life
for him and my mother
i wished i hadn't failed and made such a folly of my life
i feel such an incredible sense of shame because of that
no amount of showering or scrubbing
can wash that blood off of me
i can't think of it too much either
it is far far far too painful
and i'm already dangling by a thread as it is
trapped and tortured is putting it all lightly
sometimes i sit back and feel my inhales and exhales
i will close my eyes and think of how each breath
is a moment gone into the past
that will never be again
and of course i also think of one day these old lungs of mine
no longer inhaling and exhaling
oh how fast and short life is
how cruel it's ways of things are with 
the learning of lessons the hardest way 
and most of the time learning those lessons when it's too late
and the damage or damages are already done
i sit here as another midnight came and went
dazed with an overwhelming melancholy
inundating my brain and encapsulating my
ability to dream
it's funny that i said i wasn't going to drone on
about the life of a middle aged guy
and here i went back to that again
guess it's that swirl of thought in the headspace
suddenly i am overwhelmed with this thought:
i'm sorry mom and dad for being such a failure
and i'm sorry for all the troubles i ever caused you both
i'm sorry to anyone and everyone that i have ever hurt
both people i knew and those i may not have known
i only wished i could have done better in this life
the girl cat waits for me to pet her while i lay on the bed
waiting for unconsciousness to take over
another midnight came and went and i....
i sat here in the same way as the past 3 years or so
who am i really?
no one at all

6-18-2021 11:30pm

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thanks for your attention

rarely do i give myself downtime
typically i try to keep my mind busy
sometimes i do think a bit when doing mundane 
daily chores like cleaning or mowing the grass
things that are so habitual they don't require
actual cognitive thought
sometimes even thinking deeply on things
and occasionally i will be thinking
and i will suddenly get this feeling come over me
as if i touched on something extremely significant
almost like a jolt through the soul or something
and ill try to remain in that thought, but the feeling
subsides, sometimes because i will get
uncomfortable and cancel the thought
and other times it just goes away on it's own
i cant remember specifics at the moment
of course i will also get some spiritual type thoughts 
as well, about God or the universe and such
well, i had the strangest dream the other night,
been a while since i had a dream
but the one i had about a week ago
was beyond surreal and strange
i know there was some stuff before what i remember
but i cant remember exactly what it was
i dreamt that i was walking along side walks
that were pristine, like they were brand new
a side walk like a road
it went down and under a bridge
i remember looking around 
and seeing landscape that also seemed new
as i got closer to the underpass
there was steps going down and about
halfway down i noticed what seemed like trash,
pieces of food and paper scraps as well as a wadded up
paper towel and i thought how did all that get here
then i saw a large paper towel on the ground
with what looked like human feces on it
as i turned back after looking around, 
there i saw a severed man's head and
just passed that a another paper towel
with yet more human feces on it
i got such a strange feeling from looking at the head and 
two paper towels with human feces on it
it has bothered me off and on all day as well
like why did i dream that, firstly
and secondly, why did it seem as though it was 
significant? poop and a severed man's head?
it's position was angled as if it were looking at the sky
the bottom lip was damaged and the head was very dirty
i walked down and looked back at it
before waking up feeling so surreal and strange
so very strange, like kind of disturbed,
but more puzzled and surreal
even now when i think on it, feels so bizarre
well, the tinnitus has been exceptionally loud this evening
i feel strange lately, like an uncertainty
like i've arrived at some unseen threshold 
it often has an uncomfortable feeling to it
a sort of anxious feeling, unnerving
suddenly a thought comes to my mind
of tumbling down a hill when i was a child
and imagining how it would be as i am now
full grown, middle aged, and somewhat overweight
and of course my mind automatically thinks
of what that thought could mean
what it could imply or connote
maybe it's some kind of mid-life lunacy, ha ha
at the moment the crunching of cat food enters the air
and blends in with the tinnitus and the sound 
the song below
and i close my eyes and see a swirl of white lines and dots 
going in circles and then faces of people ive never seen before
last night i thought about loneliness again
loneliness is yelling out into a tunnel or canyon
and the only thing you hear is the sound of your own echo
taunting back at you
ive been invited to go to my father's father's day celebration
at my sisters house, but ive been estranged from them
a torn feeling between being there for my dad and wanting to
stay home and out of society, even though it's just family
but i guess it will depend on how i feel when i wake up tomorrow
anyways, my head is like a pressurized fog
my thoughts are like a swirl of dots and
white lines on a pitch black background
my feelings.....my feelings are like nothing
my feelings are irrelevant
they are like the dust on fireplace mantles in abandoned houses 
and my form?
my form is like the cobwebs in the corners of those abandoned
dusty houses
i love the photography of abandoned houses
there's something to the looks of it
i guess some kind of me relating to it kind of thing, i don't know
i did a little photography of such some years back
i wonder if i still have those photos somewhere
echos and dusty cobweb
well, as another midnight's passing
and as the seconds tick by like clouds moving across the sky
in summers hug of warmth
i think, perhaps, i actually need to think more
as painful as it can be 
a sort of exercise of the mind of sorts
but right now the bed calls as my eyes are heavy
and my mind is blank

2-21-2021 11:40pm

originally started on the 21st
of february and never finished
just sat in my drafts till now
i kind of dislike it somewhat
and im not quite sure why
decided to just post it now anyway
as usual and for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing

diluted minds, like medicine in water,
ripple echoing outwards
or like ice in a drink
slowly diluting the flavor
and like in laboratories 
rats sit in cages waiting
for the next experiment
the next test to see what results come
the gift of life on this planet
rarely understood by most
tossed aside for the self and selfish ways
tossed aside for the me right now
never mind that we don't last long
that life comes and goes abruptly
a sudden start and a sudden end
like turning the light on or off in a room
...like lights in a room
yet, we've reached an impasse
and we're also past the point of no return
living through devices and systems of control that 
twist the mind and choke love out
not remembering the fact that
whatever we focus our minds on intently
that is exactly what our minds and lives will emulate
input and output
eat bad food become in bad health
well, the strings are pulled and the people dance
and then they complain
and when the strings are cut and the people are free
they also complain
content in their malcontentment
and the cat sleeps in the suns rays
the child plays with nothing else in existence
in that moment that they play
the bird flies and sings it's song
the grasses and flowers that dance in springs
affirmation of potential
and the leaves that sprout from branches
of trees that dance with the winds lead
and we.....we poke and prod each other
we stab and destroy each other
we gaze and glare with hate filled flare
never realizing the truth
never seeing the hands that guide us
to that kind of defeat
well, the temperatures went from frozen to nearly
hot and then to cool,
and i? i sat in the same room with the same four
walls in the same fluctuation of thoughts and emotions
reminding me of eternity's call
as the day's light taps my eye lids to open like flowers 
in springs bloom
after another midnights passing
i feel melancholy most days
with the occasional lonely and sad day
and my dreams still occasionally poke and prod
me to tears as i wake
and the girl cat still lives and dreams in ways 
that would be a magic unto my aching mind
that would be a comfort to my broken and worn down heart
my eyes grow heavy 
hopefully i will dream heavily into worlds of beauty

Benoît Pioulard · Stone In Focus [Aphex Twin cover]

random memories

 scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
this came to me suddenly
after thinking of various 
periods of time in my life
thanks for reading

my face pressed between the granite slate tiles
of the floor and the bottom edge of the door
talking through the gap into the hall
with tears puddling on the floor
wetting my cheek as i spoke out or cried
and to sometimes fall asleep there 
i could feel the texture of the paint
on the edge of the bottom of the door
and the roughness behind it of the raw wood
you see, i was grounded until my next report card
and so it was either call out from under the door
or go to the window and call mourning doves
to the neighbors roof
i think once i had counted 13 of them
that had come to visit me and find where the calls
were coming from, only to be met with disappointment
nothing but a mere boy cupping his hands and calling them
that would sometimes come and just sit there on 
the neighbor's roof and sometimes still they would 
call to me in return and we'd converse
sometimes i was grounded back to back for seemingly
months due to bringing up one grade
just to have another grade drop
but the birds helped in a way
and yet at the same time they also made me sad as well
maybe one day ill try this again...to see if i can still 
gather birds nearby
once being held by the chest up again a wall
with the roar of anger growling my hair back
and eyes that seared like laser beams through
my head, into my heart,  and into my being
and then to be let go and allowed to drop to the ground
"you're an idiot!"
you're an idiot....kind of ironic i would often times, 
later on in life of course, call myself an idiot
yes, i often times struggled to maintain my grades
i found it either difficult or that i was distracted so
completely due to lack of interest or 
finding myself getting totally lost in a picture of the 
first space station of the usa that was once in space called Skylab
i often times found that i would get an immense feeling
from looking at the picture of it
like something was pulling at my soul
i never was able to understand what that meant 
or why it used to happen
i would also get a similar feeling when looking at
those tall radio/television towers that you sometimes
see outside the big cities in the rural outskirts
oh well, nothing but scars to show for these days
albeit in the form of emotional scars
all i ever wanted is to be loved
heck even now, that's all i want
i just want to be loved
ah hell, perhaps by now, and after all this time,
i'm not loveable anymore
or maybe i'm just an idiot...
...just an idiot

murkok · Magic Sunset

4-13-2021 11:25pm

 scroll down and click play
if the song is not
already auto-playing
thank you for your attention

warm blood into a cold heart
cold wind on warm skin
around in circles like ball bearings
'twas an uneventful day
i mowed the grass and edged 
first the backyard, and then the front
those first two lines going
through my mind in circles
during the entire time
sometimes in a variation
i was undecided on why it was
and rather neutral about it as well
but throughout the day,
off and on, it would enter my mind
so i figured why not write it out
and it's funny that nothing else came
to mind along with it,
just those two lines and nothing more
anyway, i see the world from afar
so distanced i am
seems as if i were on a mountain
peak looking down into a valley
a valley where a city sits
i can't see the people,
but i can see the lights of activity
movements of lights
turning off or on
some days ago, i forced myself 
to go to the grocery store
my eye fixed on signs 
almost unaware of the other people
that were in the store
until i nearly bumped into one
to which i promptly apologized 
and nodded my head 
and quickly walked on 
i only saw that they had white shoes on
as of late i no longer imagine others
in the way i used to
see someone and think of who they are
and what they may have been through
i just keep my head down
i do miss a nice stroll through a park
sitting on a park bench
and just being a human being
smiling at people that might walk by
oh but the conflict is harsh
go out and live so that history can repeat
or stay sheltered and lonely
safe from even more damage to my
already mangled feelings and emotions
i sometimes think, whenever i see my 
birth certificate, that i shouldn't have been born
i think about all the mistakes and bad decisions
ive made throughout my life
i think about some of my inabilities
and i think about how my mind is
the intricacies of how i think and what i think
it's also sad for me to think, im even somewhat
fearful of going to a counselor
of opening up to someone just to get tossed aside
or to just be looked at as just a case file in a cabinet
as has happened to me my entire life
as a toddler, wanting and needing attention from mom,
but because mom was busy with newborn sister,
she had not the time to deal with me
and i would always fall asleep on the floor
and as i got older, with women, needing and wanting love
needing and wanting acceptance and affection from them
but just getting left behind picking up the pieces of my heart
and then some of the abuse from back then 
all various ways/forms of abuse
oh well, my eyes are tired and my mind aches
the cat begs for bedtime petting and attention
attention that i give gladly since i know how it feels to want
attention, to want love, and acceptance, and yet to get none
well, i enjoy the spring season with the warmer temperatures
and the sounds of life springing back into order
albeit, from the view of a bedroom window
and mostly only through the sound of it
with the occasional glance outside
an occasional glance outside
well, the mind is such a strange thing
the world and life is such an incredibly strange thing
the ins and outs, ups and downs
the ebbs and flows
birth and death
such a strange thing
as for me it feels like im an alien
visiting a foreign planet
the alien observer
to borrow a song title
from an artist called Grouper
alien observer
kind of fitting and also such a good song
alas, the cat and my bed call me to them
here's to hoping i sleep through the entire night
as another midnight passes by

moshimoss · Nils Frahm - Less (moshimoss remix)

even my loneliness must feel lonely

 as usual for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already playing
thanks for reading

i've known love before
i feel like i've only truly loved one person
the others were also love, but not like the one was
in a short time period i felt more emotions, raw
than i ever had ever before
and haven't felt since
to open myself completely and totally
to jump off a cliff with hands free
and to fly like eagles in the updraft winds
like an outer explosion of who i truly was
came erupting out like a volcano
but of course that came to an end
not the love, that will last forever
or at least last until i die
because when you truly love someone
there is no expiration date on grief
no matter how long ago or how far away it seems
it never stops hurting 
that kind of grief and grieving where
your guts churn and you feel
as though they might come out of your eyes
and so when it came to an end that was the
beginning of losing myself
the ultimate failure
the part in the movie where your favorite
character dies
the way a soldier must feel when an arm 
or limb gets blown off
and i've been fractured ever since
and in a constant state of picking up the pieces
like picking up pieces of a broken mirror
where the pieces are just falling like rain
and there's no end to picking up the pieces
oh i've loved since then
and, not to belittle them,
but those were only smaller forms of love
like reflections or shadows 
of the one true love
and with each stab of my heart,
more pieces fell to the ground
and the more i tried to pick up the pieces
the more hurt and destroyed i became
as with all broken glass, it is sharp 
and crawling on the ground my hands and knees get cut
since that time and since the betrayals of "friends"
it feels as if i've fallen from a really tall bridge
middle aged, no friends, no love, no future
no person or place to call home
over weight, nothing at all to show for in my life
no accomplishments, no reflections of how
i may have brought beauty and joy to other peoples lives
i used to want a family of my own
and to have children of my own
and give them the world and watch them grow
to watch them fall down or get their heart broken
and to be there for them and with them
to hug and hold them through it
it was a beautiful dream, aspiration
one that i had to let go of
the last dream and aspiration i had left
what are we without dreams or aspirations?
i remember once liking a girl in elementary school
we would flirt and laugh together
and i got happy to see her
and one day i didn't see her during recess 
and so i went wandering around
and i came around a corner and saw her
and another boy kissing
i can remember the strange adrenaline
scared type of feeling that came over me
as if your heart drops into your stomach 
i ran back around the corner and hid
little did i know then that
that would be the mainstay in my life
my first love when i was 16 years old
left me for another boy,
i being left standing there with my broken heart
another girlfriend i once had
also left me for another
there is NOTHING worse than being second best,
mediocre, the left overs in the fridge
not being good enough
artists and real writers (i'm no writer) know this well
to put your heart and soul into something
and it's not good enough
love is such a strange thing
how it can be the most beautiful thing but also
the cruelest of things or the worst of things
depending on which side of love you're on
on this side of it though, i can attest
it would be better to have never known true love
at least the other forms of love you do get over
when they come to an end
you see, it was because i gave myself away completely 
i opened every corner of my mind, every single 
part of my heart and soul
i dove head first completely submerging myself 
in them, with them, and for them
oh life how you are
oh world with your soft grasses and beautiful flowers
and thorns, thistles, and cacti
oh dreams with your torturous ways
how can i cry over something from so very long ago
how can i mourn loss as though it just happened
how much more pathetic can i be?
well, it's not just that
perhaps i also mourn the loss of myself
maybe i mourn the loss of the life i once had
that has now turned into mere existing
want to know how lonely i feel today?
i prefer to have the television muted and to just
watch it until a commercial comes on
and then watch it again once the commercials are done
no subtitles or close captions
the silence of the room and the images on the screen
and the mental ballet that my mind does
actually to have music playing and the tv muted and
the mental ballet going on inside
one scary thought sometimes makes a glancing appearance
of me one day sitting in an old folks home or in a mental
institution alone with my loneliness
....that is yet a kind of loneliness i dare not think about
       i dare not think about
i am afraid to live these days
afraid to be destroyed all over again
afraid of the hunters that are out for blood
and of the shadow that stalks me every day of my life
i plead for a reprieve
     i plead for a reprieve
it's hard to breathe like this sometimes
it feels like even my loneliness feels lonely
            like my loneliness feels lonely

3-7-2021 11:45 pm

 as usual scroll down
and click play if it is not 
already auto-playing
then read
thanks for your attention

i can hear the rumbling of a train
running down the tracks not too far from here
my mind wonders if there's any 
train jumpers or hobos as they were once called
i wonder what they're thinking
the street here is busier than usual
for a Sunday night
with some rumbling of loud trucks n cars
all of which seem to have something to prove
to people that, are mostly, unaware of them
or the boom boom from their stereos 
that they, seemingly, want you to hear
i can feel time ticking in the air
each second that passes
like when wind blows on your skin
my view is out of a window encased in
one of four walls that i am encased in
but no crown jewels here
nothing sacred or precious
nothing more than chewed bubble gum
but i digress
sometimes a neighborhood cats visits me
in passing, sometimes aware of my presence
and other times unaware
but i wish it well with a whisper in the air
there's a few cats that come by like that
but only the one that comes regularly
i sit with my mind and thoughts like rocks
rocks and stone formations that
with time, are carved into ways and shapes
carved by winds or by waters 
my mind carved
carved by words and punishments
by abuses and reactions and responses
my lines are cut deep
and again i digress
i watch and wonder as days go by 
like the minute hand on a clock
my reclusiveness seems to be
getting even more reclusive
with each rising and setting of the sun
my words also elude me as
i elude this world and society
like a ship at sea in the thickest of fogs
and nothing but the sound of the distant foghorn
to soothe the loneliness that hovers in the fog
i've watched seasons come and go
clouds form and then float away
i've watched the storms and rains come and go
i rarely ever see another person,
i only hear their sounds
i do miss seeing another persons eyes
and the pulses of emotions that lie within them
i miss seeing the steps they've took
that have led them into eternity's light
i sometimes will touch my own arm
to try to remember how a persons touch feels
and to try to remember what it is like to touch someone elses arm
i've watched leaves break off and fall to the ground
and then watched those leaves slowly decay
or wake up to see that the wind has carried a leaf away
i sit here alone typing words in the same fashion
a thought or emotion or feeling dropped here
like leaves from a tree 
leaves that get swept away into eventual nothingness
loneliness, well, let me think, i don't think i or
any of us actually knows what that means
what are words with no meaning?
what are lives with no love?
what are men or women with, seemingly, no purpose?
what is an injured animal that has crawled off to hide?
well, i feel sad these days
i feel deprived....of what exactly i've no idea
but am sure it is a deprivation of everything
but mostly a deprivation of socialization and of love
and as per custom, the shades of repetition that i paint
with my words and thoughts, don't vary much
they try to describe the view of my analytic eyes
i sometimes stop to listen for the sound of wind blowing
to know the world is still moving perhaps
yes, i still talk aloud to the television and to my cat
and i complain to no one as if someone 
is here to hear me and care
i can hear the sound of an airplane flying in the sky
can't help but to wonder who is on it and where they're going
what lives they live and what pains they've felt
i wonder if they have grieved loss as i have
i wonder if they're going on vacation to some beautiful magical land
the kind of places where dreams live
far far away from four walls with a window
and a lonely, defeated man who sits
watching life pass through glimpses out a window
watching life pass like the tears from his eyes
that are a constant flow
these days, i often times think, i don't deserve to
have the beauty of friendship or of love
the support of a friend or of a love
that, perhaps, i deserve the loneliness
that i deserve each and every pain that i've ever felt
i live, now, scared of it all, but i dream of doing
kind things for others
going out of my way to show kindness to this world
or spreading love and kindness that this world
so desperately needs
the fear remains from the last time 
from the last time i opened my heart wide
for a friend, for love, for companionship
and was only handed back remnants of my heart's contents
and so i rock back n forth in a chair and watch life pass by
and i feel the loneliness that is only written about in a few books
or in a blog of a middle aged man encased in the cold grasp
of isolation...the kind that eternity forgot
the kind that eternity forgot
.....that is yet another kind of loneliness
but i digress
i can hear the bed calling my name
by the vibrations of my body
and the tiredness of my eyes and mind
as another midnight passes by 
another midnight passes me by
......oh 
           how lonely
                              i feel

2-9-2021 11:32pm

 for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing

i felt weak yesterday
and had pressure in my chest visit me
my head felt pressure as well
alot of forgetfulness lately as well
like some kind of cloud and darkened corners
i got up and took a few steps
and seemingly felt an intense feeling 
of why in the world did i stand up?
took a while to finally remember
i wanted something to drink
and this day the words escape me
a summarization of thoughts
and words or emotions into lines
that bleed like an open wound
blood that seeps out the way
powder trickles down in an hour glass
or the wisps of dust that stir from someone 
quickly walking by
an age of ways and words that curl like hair
circling back upon them selves
alone in rooms of crowded silence
and the creeping of the hands of a clock
explaining to us all inevitability
well, another birthday came and went
another year that raced by in a blur
i feel lonely but ok for now
my head rings and feels pressured
my mind is clouded and foggy
a chilly night this night
although it's quiet and calm
two or three nights of interrupted sleep
and somewhere a person is laying
on a beach in the sun enjoying
the sun's embrace and warming rays
oh why must my brain be as it is
it's funny though i took the 
Myers-Briggs personality test 
out of boredom the other night
and i went from an ENTJ to an INFJ
of which is apparently the rare type
is that what a few years of isolation does?
or perhaps a life's worth of abuse, 
rejection, and failures?
oh well, nothing lasts forever as the saying goes
the cold bed calls and i'm tired
another midnight has arrived 
and now quickly goes by
into the spaces of eternity
one day i say
one day i'll rise like the tide 
one day, but not this day

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne

1-24-2021 11:34pm

as usual and for best results
scroll down and click play
if the song is not auto-playing

words were swirling around
thoughts hovering and lingering
but i sit down to write them,
and they hide away
hide to spaces and places
of my mind i'm not aware of
and so i've sat here for a bit wondering
what those thoughts and words were
well, i feel melancholy again today
sort of a blank haze like a fog
a fog in night's light
vision obscured....diminished
i used to love going for walks in the fog
cool temperatures and damp fog
at least the skies have been in my favor
with the overcast greys and off white colours
although i didn't actually look or go outside
physically i feel tired, and my head still rings
what happened to the boy...
the one that used to ride on his Tonka
the all steel yellow Tonka dump truck
and the lacquered wooden floor of the hall
what happened to the boy...
the one dumb enough to stick his finger
into a red hot car cigarette lighter
and to this day has a T shaped scar there
ironic his name also starts with a T
even more ironic is he has floaters
in his eyes and one of them is also
shaped like a T
what happened to the boy...
the one that got left behind by ritalin
and damage and pains and abuses
that boy is lost somewhere out there
and all that is left is a shell
a book that has pages falling out
an empty shelf
no pictures or trophies or accomplishments
no family or friends or place to call home
i sail on seas like blood in veins
i choke on words and breaths in vain
i wish on stars and dream the same
i weep and i cry to find my own name
stars and dreams that aren't real 
and that wont ever be real
sometimes i feel like if anything is to 
change for me, that it would have to be 
that someone would have to prove to me
that somewhere, someone does care
prove to me that i wont get tossed aside
like worn shoes or an empty cup
prove to me that i wont get crushed and destroyed
the way all the others have done,
friends and romantic partners alike
and so i fear everything in every way
and people too...of course people too 
this isolation was once comforting
but now it's a source of malcontent
now that i've decided to maintain a sober life
and if i were to face the fears
i haven't the slightest clue on how to
go about meeting new people
where to go, what to do
the sound of it automatically fills me
with awkward thoughts and embarrassments
makes me want to sign up to be the first to colonize mars
melancholy...a word that sounds nothing like what it means
sounds like it would be some kind of joyful song
well, my head rings and my eyes droop
while the bed calls for my body to warm it up
and yet another midnight comes and goes
another day gone forever

Seth Lyttle · Warm (for A Wet Day)

1-22-2021 some dumb journal entry

 for best results
scroll down and click
play, if it is not already
playing, thanx for your
attention

and some days we look back and dream
dream of what was and want again
those memory lane days
for me i just wanna feel those
normal days, feeling connected and desired
experiencing the long conversation days
enjoying another's company days
those happy no plans to do anything except
let the day plan for us what to do
dancing in a field together with no shoes on
those time don't exist days
getting lost in company and conversations
a look at the stars, a look into eyes
a glimpse into the eternity of time
a saving grace
a suffocating soul of isolation
withering heart and mind
his days feel like they're stuck in a loop
even his words seem like they too
are stuck in an endless loop
well, was a wet day today with the off 
and on again sprinkling showers
colder temperatures today
as for the skies?
well, i'm not sure, i never looked outside
am sure i sure could use some sunshine
on my face and skin
i miss going for walks and hiking
i miss seeing things and doing things
today was one of those melancholy
feeling absolutely nothing days
even now, my mind absent of emotion
probably why my words seem like they too 
are withering
hospital bills and student loans
and life in isolation
a picnic with the mind
i see a single tree with only a few leaves left on it
and i can see the fear in the tree of the wind
my head still rings and pulses or so it feels
i just thought that i could use a vacation
how funny....
how dumb of me and my old brain
i don't think i ever learned what it feels like to
get a pat on the back or a commendation
or to be praised for anything
im not even sure i'd know how to properly respond
to such things if they were to ever occur
....now there's a strange and sad thought
not sure why that popped into my old brain
run fast down that trail dear charley
but be sure not to fall down
run fast down that hill old boy
don't let your bones break
howl out loud at the sky old boy
cry out and yell for all to hear
howl out loud in vain
i watch the days pass like cars on a highway
i watch and wait for better days
all the while thinking about inevitability
as the weight and stress piles on and the clock 
strikes midnight, night after night
i try to reminisce on better days
but better days are like the moon
so far away but i can still see them
and the one ive tried to bury away
the one that destroyed me with her ways and words
she wont stop visiting me in my dreams when i sleep 
and sometimes in my thoughts randomly during the day
ive no idea why and it's so strange that it still occurs
....that is yet another kind of torture
what's in a mind?
what's in a heart?
what's in a soul that cries out for love
and is only met with crushing blows?
shelled peanuts have more substance
haha
oh well, another day of the days

øjeRum · Butterfly Tongues More Ancient Than Flowers

doltish rambles in the dark

for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing
thanks for your attention

what do you do when you want
human interaction, connection
but fear people overall?
even fearing the kindness of others
i often have felt like i wasn't
supposed to be here in this universe
some would call me depressed, 
i laugh at that description
most times it is only loneliness,
other times it's the chains that 
have bound me to the ground 
since i was a teenager
and sometimes still it is 
living in a world of deceit and hatreds
i don't celebrate my own birthday
in fact, i dislike my birthday
i will go to my family celebration of it
but i would be fine either with or without
not that i'm afraid of age and getting older

i actually like being this age
but rather it's a constant reminder of 
a bad decision i made as a teenager
that still affects me to this day
the shadow that i walk in every day 
it's too bad that the only way to learn
in life is to make mistakes and bad choices
and sometimes those mistakes and
bad choices are the worst of all to make
like the decision i made once to for me
and my friends to cross a busy highway
at night and all of us made it across except one
she stopped in the median you see
i think, to fix her sandals
and then immediately she started to run across to us
while a car came along at 65+ miles per hour
my eyes witnessing her body flip like a doll
my mind short circuiting in and out of 
consciousness...post traumatic stress amnesia
several periods of time where i can recollect nothing
like time stopped, one second i'm sitting on the 
ground and the next second i'm in the back of a
police car being given a ride to the police
station to give my official statement on the 
events that occurred that lead to what happened
all the mistakes ive made that i've never been
able to forgive myself for
and the shame that goes along with those mistakes
i wouldn't ever hurt anyone in anyway
even the times ive been forced to defend myself
i have felt horrible about 
to injure someone is such a horrible feeling
worse than when i feel physical pain
i wasn't meant for this world
my heart is far too big for such 
incredibly small spaces
i think that i came to this world just wanting
to be loved and accepted for who i am
but that has been a pipe dream
oh there's been those that have said they did
but always their actions proved otherwise
nothing lasts forever....life, friends, love
all like vapors of steam that rise and disappear
and so i sit encased by 4 walls and a window
alone wondering why life has to be this way
why a middle aged man sits in a room alone
in isolation for nearly 2 years straight
afraid of the hunters 
afraid of people, of life
a scared, injured animal hidden away to heal or die
withered, weakened, worn down
love is a cloud that billows in spring skies
dumping down on us, but eventually that rain
stops and the cloud is gone

what is in a word?
what is in a heart that gives and gives?

what is in a life in isolation
with no one to talk to, no one to care?
maybe i am nothing more then a mistake
a mistake like the ones i've made my entire life
was a windy day today
cold winds creeping through cracks into the house
the girl cat frequently and politely asking for attention
more often today then usual
my head still rings and the loneliness still hovers
i feel sad and defeated
i'm 6 foot 1 inch tall, and yet i feel microscopic
unseen, unheard, and not loved
oh well, i abstain

Night Note · in The Footsteps Of The Polar Explorers

12-26-2020 10:09 am

originally started this earlier today
but only just now finished it
as usual, for best results
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broken limbs crunch under foot steps
through wandering paths to infinity
broken dreams crack under each thought
under the weight of life's aches n pains
that get stacked up onto backs
one can only wonder if middle aged back pains 
come from this weight
as the damages take their tolls on minds and hearts
and the bluebird sings it's song
the child plays with not a care in the world
...their universe, untouched, is where real dreams are
and far far away we go, as age stacks up
and shoulders crack and collapse
and we put far too much on our plates
or in some cases far too little
all the while distracting our selves with
habits and behaviors and trinkets and gadgets
and social medias and mind altering chemicals
oh like water in rivers and vapor in winds
the flow don't stop as one dies and more are born
the consumption of a life into nothing
makes one really think how special life actually is
since there's a trillion and one of us all
and we all eventually are forgotten
well, they say it's about the journey
and not the beginning or the end
i always laugh a little when i see or hear that
and immediately the thought comes to my mind
some journeys are brutal and with sure
impending destruction
what about that journey ?
is it also about those journeys
the destroyed ones that have been dragged
through the dirt of the sewers
that have been repeatedly stomped on
whilst they were already down
when they were already defeated before
they were even old enough and strong enough to fight
i've fallen into a spiral of infinite thoughts 
thoughts and feelings whose fingers are icy cold
and they squeeze at my throat
i dance across frozen tears
frozen in time and space
and the sirens voice calls me from afar
from the spaces between loneliness and 
those dying dreams and aspirations i once held dear
my feet hurt and my head rings
i used to run and slide on the ices and frozen puddles
when i was a child, before the damage was dealt and 
before the hunters got their claws and arrows into me
before life grabbed me and wrung me like a dish rag
memories and dreams like leaves on autumn trees
happiness like a fleeting after thought
i even think i am beginning to forget what that even feels like
joy, elation, beauty....clouds are forming and enveloping those
am sure eventually they will become consumed
and i will no longer have a memory of such things
i drove down this road once in a very bad state of mind
i kept driving for a long while and it had gotten dark outside
at some point i was forced off the road and onto a side road
of which had no lights at all and only ended up forcing you to turn around
but before i turned around i saw that was obviously a spot where 
someone must have been living various trash and a make shift
bed and such, even some signs of which i couldn't read and 
i started to feel an uneasy feeling there so i didn't linger to see what
the signs actually said, they were hand written signs
i couldn't help but wonder who it was that had been there and why
i found myself driving for hours contemplating life and death
that day was my first real glimpse of this desperate darkness i speak of
i mean i had seen it was i was young, but i didn't quite have an understanding
the adult understanding of life and such
i felt it once when i had gotten lost while driving to visit a friend
and as far as i could see there was nothing at all
other than the highway i was on that was even remotely signs of humans
and even that highway i was on was a scarcely used one at that
i couldn't help but to suddenly feel overwhelmed 
and a sense of complete insignificance hit me and i got out
of the car and dropped to my knees for a few moments
it wasn't until i got back in the car that i noticed i had been crying
ive no idea why, i wasn't scared or anything and i had no reason to be sad
since i knew exactly how to go back to the road i got there from
maybe one day i'll go again for a drive to try to get lost again
until then i don't even know at all what i am doing anymore
and of course i also don't know where i'm going
other than nowhere
i felt like i was home once, when i was floating on clouds of beauty
and love was as tangible as water, and it was like nothing ever before
i felt normal for that short brief moment in time and in my life
i felt as the mountains, tall and strong and eternal
why did they have to throw me away like a wadded paper
why did they siphon life from me 
why did they syphon me out of me
nothing but this deflated busted and worn out balloon left
i often felt like that through my entire life
like chewed gum stuck under cafeteria tables
i feel tired and my head rings still
my words like grains of sand on the beach
what is one grain of sand to an entire beach and an ocean of it?
insignificant

øjeRum · The Dance

12-22-2020 12:05 am a rambling journal entry

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i once wandered through the field
behind my grandparents house
i went further in than i ever had before
because, of course, i was alone
pine trees, chest high grasses
would have been easy to hide in
i wandered around seeing what i could see
and then went back to the house
as i was going in, my chest felt a burning
and itching and i saw on my shirt
what seemed like a ball of lint or 
something like a piece of cotton
or fiber from the field
i tried to brush it off, and it stung me
in my chest, like a wasp 
you see, i was sent there to stay for a day
or two as punishment for something i did
that i can not remember currently
i was the only one there for those days
felt strange to be in that house...in the den
and laying down to sleep that night
to a black n white tv set 
was strange going to sleep when i felt like it
it was seemingly a refreshing thing
to get lost in space and time wandering in that field
the asp sting wasn't fun, obviously
seems like that moment when i went to lay down to sleep
lasted an eternity, hearing the cars down the busy road
outside, and the sounds of night in that area
i wished i could remember more memories
like that from when i was a child,
but for whatever reason, most of them were erased
at some point in my life
and most of these current days seem like a blur to me
but sometimes i try to stop and pause for a moment
to try to remember things from back then
a small part of me feels like it might be something
to be able to go back there and feel those feelings again
but alas, i think one time is enough
the stresses and pains, and heartaches of this life 
are more than enough reason to NOT want to go back
i often times wonder, what it must be like
for those that actually read this
how they might feel to read a man's suffering spilled out 
i'm glad and honored that they took time from their own lives
and took time to read my troubles and thoughts and feelings here
i also wonder where they might live
and who they are and what pains and sadness they have had to endure
i can only hope that i don't burden them and make them sad
from reading all my rambling of emotions and such here
i know most all of my writings here are very depressing and such
but it does kind of help to, at least, get some of it out
and to put it here so that, perhaps, someone can read it
thanks for taking the time out of your day
and/or night and thanks for reading this
i see the beautiful field in the distance there
whenever i close my eyes and think of love
the one with the tall grasses and beautiful flowers
and the trees that sway like ballet dancers
i can see the waves of winds in the grasses
and the place where we can lie down and let the wind blow over us
it's nice to share with someone you love
with someone that loves you
but those places are bleak when loneliness is around 
when your heart withers from no love
those places can make the sadness waves turn into tsunamis
and so i try to stay in the spaces where i can maintain
where i can forget the sadness of my broken heart
and the pains and sufferings of life
to avoid the shame of the failure of a life i've lived
and to avoid the defeat of the constant mistakes i've made
for now, i just wished there was someone that cares 
someone to hold me and cuddle me as the emotions of my life
explode out from me in the form of tears
but alas, i have a cold empty bed to have to warm up instead

øjeRum · Fravær Af Sne