7-3-2021 11:45pm - 7-7-2021 10:30pm random thoughts

 as always, for best effect/results
scroll down and click play
if the song is not auto-playing
and then read
originally started writing this
on the third and decided
to finish it now

it's funny how our minds will remember things
that, seemingly, don't have any significance
or perhaps it's just that we're unaware of the
significance of the memory
like once when i was a kid i went to a church
camp out event held in Eufaula Oklahoma
and i remember going into a store that the
bus had stopped at and seeing a fish tank with 
large fish in it and remembering how it seemed
kind of dark inside the store, but i remember 
how it felt cool and soothing 
i've no idea why that memory is still there considering
i must have been like nine, ten, or eleven years old then
perhaps a bit younger, but i can't be certain
i think my absolute earliest memory i have
is looking up at a radio transmitter/receiver tower
i must have been young enough to be held
as my mom walked towards a building
i was fixated on those towers and had that
intense feeling i've spoken about in posts before
of which i have never figured out why those
towers gave me such feelings
even as recently as 5 years ago or longer
you'd be surprised how fast time seems to fly by
when you've isolated yourself from the world
how a year can seem like a week
or how you can go from 42 years old to suddenly 45
and everything is a blur from repetition
routine, and habit
i sometimes can't get over how strange
this world is and how strange people are
all the various mechanisms of control we place
on each other and in fact on the world
one person thinks they have it all figured out
and they think they know best for all others
even though, NONE of us have it figured out
we never do even to the very moment we die
oh sure we can have understandings of things,
but we don't know outright
life, as i see it, is like driving a car through a cave
at midnight, without lights, without gps
riding blind, crashing and burning all the way
and to make matters worse there are too many
people that just follow the leader
too many that jump on bandwagons
even when the wagon is on fire and self destructive
and yes of course controlled by 
social medias and news medias
minds guided by hands that want us to be defeated
hands and minds that want us all to fight and hate and kill
and destroy everything
and to destroy love
but hey, what do i know, right?
im middle aged and failed at life
and i too am riding blind
or i should say merely existing blind
oh hell, my thoughts have been swirling again
i remember a dream i used to have
when i was younger
of being in a coffee shop that i used to frequent
and sitting at the bar with a sandwich and tea
i was talking to a female friend that i had
and i heard the sound of loud music
and time seemed to slow down and
my view switched to the third person
and i could see myself sitting there
and the car with the loud music 
started shooting into the coffee shop
even though i was in the third person,
 i could still feel everything
i was shot in the shoulder and in the chest
and i started to slump, but then a bullet 
hit me in the head and i dropped 
like a thousand pound weight 
into the ocean
i remember feeling the pain for a split second
until i felt nothing and i was looking 
down on myself and my friend that was crying 
over me and hugging me
as if i were a security camera
before the head shot, i felt the wound on 
my shoulder and ran my finger around and slightly 
into the wound....such an immensely strange feeling
ive had a number of strange dreams lately
one of which was unsettling and scary to me
a few of them included me killing myself 
in various different ways
and then some of the dreams were almost indescribable 
like in a wave of some kind of pulse
and thoughts were laid out like cutouts from a book
and randomly one of those thoughts would pop like a bubble
and seemingly disappear completely except for 
this kind of residue type haze or smear left behind
i cant even find the words to justly describe it all
why does this brain of mine have to be so strange?
i can see a glass on a table
and water is slowly being poured into the glass
and the glass is nearly full
and i can see people walking outside in 
hazes and dazes hypnotized by glowing screens
and talking heads telling them what to think
and how to act and yes even how to treat others
there isn't much room out there for a guy like me
i don't fit in anywhere and never did really fit in
when i was young i tried to find others like me
out there in the world and i thought i had found them
in the goth or new waver community
the goth club i frequented for twenty years off and on
i wanted to find other independent thinkers
other so called non-conformists, except without the lawlessness
i did meet some good people there
but also alot of nonsense as well
and as i stayed in that world of friends and peoples,
i slowly began to see that the majority of the people
were not non-conformists at all,
not quite the independent thinkers i thought were there
that in fact the majority of them were conformists all the way
alot of those bandwagon types as well as
the go along to get along ones, those fake it till you make it types
there is such an overwhelming self destructiveness in the 
whole fake it till you make it way of things
in the whole go along to get along mentalities
ive always thought that if you feel it, be it
if you're sad inside, be sad, let the emotion out
if you're mad, be mad
all within reason of course, ya don't want to go crazy
it's just not good to let things build up inside
rather it be sadness or anger or frustration or whatever
anything else don't seem to make sense
well, i guess there's a method to it all,
a way of life keeping a balance in all things
anyhow, i sit here now in this way
thinking of this world and my perception of it all
and typing out my thoughts and feelings here
im not sure what else to do with my thoughts
as i sit here withering like a single lonely flower
in a dusty old vase sitting in an empty
abandoned house
as another midnight passes me by 
contemplating various thoughts
thinking of the universe
of how i remember happiness
of what i remember how love feels
thinking about life and it's end
like lights in a room
ah well, i guess i refrain