a tortured venting

i wrote this a few days ago and
i was uncertain about posting it
for the obvious reason
but i figured what the hell
as usual, for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already auto-playing
thanks for your attention

torturous dreams last night
of love and cuddling and hugging
feeling wanted and desired
just to be woke up by the loud neighbor's dog
and living in a neighborhood that has become
the exact opposite of what it once was
used to be such a nice and quiet place
now a cacophony of car stereos and loud dogs
and after market exhausts and burning out
and the occasional gunshots
a dog with a bark like the sharpest axe
chopping my brain, my soul
chopping at the seams of my sanity
i was woken up early to that dreaded
sound of the neighbor's dog incessantly barking
i could feel each chop of it in my mind
each chop at my heart
i sit in here keeping to myself
never making a sound
thoughtful of others
even when i'm listening to music i keep it down
i'm courteous of all my neighbors even these
that show no care or respect for others
i'm  courteous even when i do rarely go places
i park in the back of parking lots to allow others
that might not be as able to get around
even when the parking lot is mostly empty
i make sure i'm parked straight and centered
so i'm not partially blocking the next spot
i wave people to go ahead of me
yet all the while, the world has made me
feel like a soccer ball kicked and prodded
i feel tortured and dangling by a thread
i feel trapped like my leg is in a bear trap
and let me not forget about the loneliness
and how im nothing more than a faint distant echo
fading into nothing
to make matters worse
last night before going to sleep
i was being prodded by thoughts of suicide
why couldn't i be like an asshole?
more like those people that don't care at all
about anyone or anything other then themselves
i feel like leaving this world all the time now
but i'm too much of a coward to do anything
so here i exist feeling trapped and tortured
and somewhere a mother has just given birth
to her first child
somewhere a child is playing in the sun's light
somewhere a couple has just been married
somewhere a person has survived cancer
somewhere lives someone that has always
gotten everything they've ever wanted
maybe one day the sounds of that dog barking
will chop my head off and it will roll off
into the clouds of nothingness
into the clouds of those forgotten by all

vv. · 1978*