2-21-2021 11:40pm

originally started on the 21st
of february and never finished
just sat in my drafts till now
i kind of dislike it somewhat
and im not quite sure why
decided to just post it now anyway
as usual and for best results/effect
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diluted minds, like medicine in water,
ripple echoing outwards
or like ice in a drink
slowly diluting the flavor
and like in laboratories 
rats sit in cages waiting
for the next experiment
the next test to see what results come
the gift of life on this planet
rarely understood by most
tossed aside for the self and selfish ways
tossed aside for the me right now
never mind that we don't last long
that life comes and goes abruptly
a sudden start and a sudden end
like turning the light on or off in a room
...like lights in a room
yet, we've reached an impasse
and we're also past the point of no return
living through devices and systems of control that 
twist the mind and choke love out
not remembering the fact that
whatever we focus our minds on intently
that is exactly what our minds and lives will emulate
input and output
eat bad food become in bad health
well, the strings are pulled and the people dance
and then they complain
and when the strings are cut and the people are free
they also complain
content in their malcontentment
and the cat sleeps in the suns rays
the child plays with nothing else in existence
in that moment that they play
the bird flies and sings it's song
the grasses and flowers that dance in springs
affirmation of potential
and the leaves that sprout from branches
of trees that dance with the winds lead
and we.....we poke and prod each other
we stab and destroy each other
we gaze and glare with hate filled flare
never realizing the truth
never seeing the hands that guide us
to that kind of defeat
well, the temperatures went from frozen to nearly
hot and then to cool,
and i? i sat in the same room with the same four
walls in the same fluctuation of thoughts and emotions
reminding me of eternity's call
as the day's light taps my eye lids to open like flowers 
in springs bloom
after another midnights passing
i feel melancholy most days
with the occasional lonely and sad day
and my dreams still occasionally poke and prod
me to tears as i wake
and the girl cat still lives and dreams in ways 
that would be a magic unto my aching mind
that would be a comfort to my broken and worn down heart
my eyes grow heavy 
hopefully i will dream heavily into worlds of beauty

Benoît Pioulard · Stone In Focus [Aphex Twin cover]

random memories

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this came to me suddenly
after thinking of various 
periods of time in my life
thanks for reading

my face pressed between the granite slate tiles
of the floor and the bottom edge of the door
talking through the gap into the hall
with tears puddling on the floor
wetting my cheek as i spoke out or cried
and to sometimes fall asleep there 
i could feel the texture of the paint
on the edge of the bottom of the door
and the roughness behind it of the raw wood
you see, i was grounded until my next report card
and so it was either call out from under the door
or go to the window and call mourning doves
to the neighbors roof
i think once i had counted 13 of them
that had come to visit me and find where the calls
were coming from, only to be met with disappointment
nothing but a mere boy cupping his hands and calling them
that would sometimes come and just sit there on 
the neighbor's roof and sometimes still they would 
call to me in return and we'd converse
sometimes i was grounded back to back for seemingly
months due to bringing up one grade
just to have another grade drop
but the birds helped in a way
and yet at the same time they also made me sad as well
maybe one day ill try this again...to see if i can still 
gather birds nearby
once being held by the chest up again a wall
with the roar of anger growling my hair back
and eyes that seared like laser beams through
my head, into my heart,  and into my being
and then to be let go and allowed to drop to the ground
"you're an idiot!"
you're an idiot....kind of ironic i would often times, 
later on in life of course, call myself an idiot
yes, i often times struggled to maintain my grades
i found it either difficult or that i was distracted so
completely due to lack of interest or 
finding myself getting totally lost in a picture of the 
first space station of the usa that was once in space called Skylab
i often times found that i would get an immense feeling
from looking at the picture of it
like something was pulling at my soul
i never was able to understand what that meant 
or why it used to happen
i would also get a similar feeling when looking at
those tall radio/television towers that you sometimes
see outside the big cities in the rural outskirts
oh well, nothing but scars to show for these days
albeit in the form of emotional scars
all i ever wanted is to be loved
heck even now, that's all i want
i just want to be loved
ah hell, perhaps by now, and after all this time,
i'm not loveable anymore
or maybe i'm just an idiot...
...just an idiot

murkok · Magic Sunset

4-13-2021 11:25pm

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warm blood into a cold heart
cold wind on warm skin
around in circles like ball bearings
'twas an uneventful day
i mowed the grass and edged 
first the backyard, and then the front
those first two lines going
through my mind in circles
during the entire time
sometimes in a variation
i was undecided on why it was
and rather neutral about it as well
but throughout the day,
off and on, it would enter my mind
so i figured why not write it out
and it's funny that nothing else came
to mind along with it,
just those two lines and nothing more
anyway, i see the world from afar
so distanced i am
seems as if i were on a mountain
peak looking down into a valley
a valley where a city sits
i can't see the people,
but i can see the lights of activity
movements of lights
turning off or on
some days ago, i forced myself 
to go to the grocery store
my eye fixed on signs 
almost unaware of the other people
that were in the store
until i nearly bumped into one
to which i promptly apologized 
and nodded my head 
and quickly walked on 
i only saw that they had white shoes on
as of late i no longer imagine others
in the way i used to
see someone and think of who they are
and what they may have been through
i just keep my head down
i do miss a nice stroll through a park
sitting on a park bench
and just being a human being
smiling at people that might walk by
oh but the conflict is harsh
go out and live so that history can repeat
or stay sheltered and lonely
safe from even more damage to my
already mangled feelings and emotions
i sometimes think, whenever i see my 
birth certificate, that i shouldn't have been born
i think about all the mistakes and bad decisions
ive made throughout my life
i think about some of my inabilities
and i think about how my mind is
the intricacies of how i think and what i think
it's also sad for me to think, im even somewhat
fearful of going to a counselor
of opening up to someone just to get tossed aside
or to just be looked at as just a case file in a cabinet
as has happened to me my entire life
as a toddler, wanting and needing attention from mom,
but because mom was busy with newborn sister,
she had not the time to deal with me
and i would always fall asleep on the floor
and as i got older, with women, needing and wanting love
needing and wanting acceptance and affection from them
but just getting left behind picking up the pieces of my heart
and then some of the abuse from back then 
all various ways/forms of abuse
oh well, my eyes are tired and my mind aches
the cat begs for bedtime petting and attention
attention that i give gladly since i know how it feels to want
attention, to want love, and acceptance, and yet to get none
well, i enjoy the spring season with the warmer temperatures
and the sounds of life springing back into order
albeit, from the view of a bedroom window
and mostly only through the sound of it
with the occasional glance outside
an occasional glance outside
well, the mind is such a strange thing
the world and life is such an incredibly strange thing
the ins and outs, ups and downs
the ebbs and flows
birth and death
such a strange thing
as for me it feels like im an alien
visiting a foreign planet
the alien observer
to borrow a song title
from an artist called Grouper
alien observer
kind of fitting and also such a good song
alas, the cat and my bed call me to them
here's to hoping i sleep through the entire night
as another midnight passes by

moshimoss · Nils Frahm - Less (moshimoss remix)