random memories

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if it is not auto-playing
this came to me suddenly
after thinking of various 
periods of time in my life
thanks for reading

my face pressed between the granite slate tiles
of the floor and the bottom edge of the door
talking through the gap into the hall
with tears puddling on the floor
wetting my cheek as i spoke out or cried
and to sometimes fall asleep there 
i could feel the texture of the paint
on the edge of the bottom of the door
and the roughness behind it of the raw wood
you see, i was grounded until my next report card
and so it was either call out from under the door
or go to the window and call mourning doves
to the neighbors roof
i think once i had counted 13 of them
that had come to visit me and find where the calls
were coming from, only to be met with disappointment
nothing but a mere boy cupping his hands and calling them
that would sometimes come and just sit there on 
the neighbor's roof and sometimes still they would 
call to me in return and we'd converse
sometimes i was grounded back to back for seemingly
months due to bringing up one grade
just to have another grade drop
but the birds helped in a way
and yet at the same time they also made me sad as well
maybe one day ill try this again...to see if i can still 
gather birds nearby
once being held by the chest up again a wall
with the roar of anger growling my hair back
and eyes that seared like laser beams through
my head, into my heart,  and into my being
and then to be let go and allowed to drop to the ground
"you're an idiot!"
you're an idiot....kind of ironic i would often times, 
later on in life of course, call myself an idiot
yes, i often times struggled to maintain my grades
i found it either difficult or that i was distracted so
completely due to lack of interest or 
finding myself getting totally lost in a picture of the 
first space station of the usa that was once in space called Skylab
i often times found that i would get an immense feeling
from looking at the picture of it
like something was pulling at my soul
i never was able to understand what that meant 
or why it used to happen
i would also get a similar feeling when looking at
those tall radio/television towers that you sometimes
see outside the big cities in the rural outskirts
oh well, nothing but scars to show for these days
albeit in the form of emotional scars
all i ever wanted is to be loved
heck even now, that's all i want
i just want to be loved
ah hell, perhaps by now, and after all this time,
i'm not loveable anymore
or maybe i'm just an idiot...
...just an idiot

murkok · Magic Sunset