posting a draft: evaporating

a vapor rises now, a steam, evaporating
each thought i have, evaporating
each moment i think, evaporating
each time i feel, evaporating
each time i dream, evaporating
memories and dreams, evaporating
hopes and wishes, evaporating
hugs and kisses, evaporating
love and happiness, evaporating
life evaporating

this has sat in my drafts since around the end of 2013.
here it is unedited

untitled 3 liner

i jump through hoops and swim just like you
into an oceanless blue
into the soils of the graves we fear

maybe ill add more to this, and maybe i wont
but i figured i'd share it anyway either way 

one thing to note

my ramblings here usually have a song
posted at the end of it
to get the full effect of my ramblings
hit play on the song, then start reading it
most of the songs dont have lyrics
so it shouldn't clash

10-15-15

what do you do when everything you ever hoped for,
dreamed for, aspired for is taken away from you?
all of your dreams, aspirations, realities.
well, after that, you have nothing left to do except wait
you just wait, wait to see what happens tomorrow
wait to see the sunset in a different view,
in another explosion of color
wait to see if you can dream again
there's a quote from the movie Her that i sometimes
ask myself if there is some validity to it in reality or not:
"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel.
And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new.
Just lesser versions of what I've already felt."
of course sometimes you cant help but to give up
even if only for a short while
sometimes giving up allows you to regain the strength
to continue the incessant fight of life
and of course sometimes we give up, waiting for a renewal
waiting for a reason to begin fighting again
and it is a fight....a grind that don't stop
till we die, the ultimate and inevitable stop
it is a bloodless and bloody war
an insane war that no one wins
and well, for me, i've given up for now
waiting to see what each tomorrow brings me
it's potential, the possibilities of unknown realities
waiting for my strength to renew so i can stand up
again and fight...and to wage this war
yes, i've given up before in the past
sadly, each time, it takes longer and longer to renew my strength
the older i get, as the years pass and my body grows old
the effects of life taking it's toll
well, at least my empathy is still strong as is my humbleness
so there's, at the least, that going strong
i cry at funerals, even if i've never met the person before
i see the familys' faces, their tears of guttural pain
and their pain suddenly rushes into me like the
waters from a broken damn rushing fast
i cry when watching most love story movies
i see a person fall or get injured and i cringe
but will still rush to make sure they're ok
i sometimes dream of helping people
and not because it's a selfish desire of doing good
but rather a way to spread kindness in the world
this world filled with violence and hatred and oppressions
i dream of protecting the world, save even the unsaveable
well, the cats are changing their ways in accordance
with the changing seasons, the changing weather.
the girl cat lays in the hall
and the boy cats sleeps in a back room
and me? i feel melancholy with a hint of sadness
just awaiting, waiting for the sunrise and sunset of tomorrow
i dream still

10-5-15 with my thoughts

My thoughts....oh well let's see now, what are my thoughts? My thoughts are a high speed accident on a busy downtown highway. My thoughts are lost in space and time, there is no reality to what I think. My thoughts are the homeless man drunk, sleeping under a bridge. My thoughts are lost eternally tumbling down mountains and hills. My thoughts, my thoughts are only when I dream, when I dream reality is the dream. When I dream it is eternal it is heaven never before experienced. My thoughts entwined and tangled like the lianas of jungles and forests. Jumbled together, a drunken ballet vodka flavored tossed together at the last minute. No flavoring no sugar coating just in the raw. We are full of shit and ready to explode. The smell for miles and miles. Lost forever, out of control. Take your time but hurry up all in a hurry to wait. Hit the fast forward but take two steps back. There is no escape, no reprieve or solace. Lost in a dream,  a dream never ending. Internal turmoil, torture stripped down bare. Mentally and emotionally naked no cushion or pads to soften the blows. But wait I digress. My thoughts are lingering like the smoke in a bar after the people have gone. My thoughts are in a perpetual dream. my thoughts? my thoughts don't even matter when there's no one to hear them.

this was written over the course of a few days

very sad and lonely day today

i struggle to fight the tears away

but they persist with vigor 

i feel so incredibly alone

it's almost overwhelming

an ear to hear, to care

a friend, a lover, a forever

that "one".... the "one"

a warm emotion filled hug

this war i fight alone

this room i sit alone

this mind of mine thinks alone

even my cats are unaware of these things

i am theodore twombly 

i am billy brown

i feel like i can fly

but i'm not allowed to touch the sky

well, at least the weather has been beautiful lately

of course with that come the allergies and such

the wasps have been unseen today

not any coming and going and scurrying around

the cats are doing their usual cat activities

and me?, i feel sad and incredibly alone

still stuck in the cobwebs in the corner

still watching everyone else pass through

i am a broken record

a repetition of the same or similar words

the same or similar emotions

maybe i will go join an amish community

and build stuff and farm and such.

oh well, i struggle on