my first valentines day experience

i must have been around 14 or 15 impressionable, young
we used to go to church every sunday and wednesday
so a girl i met weeks prior asked if i would go to the church's
valentines day event/dance with her and of course i said yes
i was was elated and exchanged phone numbers
she was the same age as me and just as impressionable 
we talked on the phone a few times and then eventually figuring out the details
i went all out with a suit and tie and nice dress shoes and even a corsage for her
my mom took me there early and we waited in the car
she was dropped off in a beat up pick up truck getting out and then i got out
of my mom's station wagon, the tank.
we greeted each other and walked into just the foyer of the building
i attempted to give her the corsage and she stopped me and said she had to talk to me first
so we stood there and she talked about her mom and various other things
but then she got to the point and said she asked me to go to the dance so
she would be able to go, but that she wanted to go separate ways after walking in
i stood there beside myself for a while wondering what had just happened
speechless i went over and over what had happened and made
a pointless plea for her to change her mind, i even insisted that she at least take the corsage,
but she only said sorry pushing the corsage back to me and backed away into the building
i stood alone in the foyer wondering...pondering, fighting back
any tears that were trying to come to my eyes
i peered in through the door and saw her talking to another guy
so i walked outside and sat on the steps watching others go in the dance/event
a friend asked me if i was ok and asked me where rena(the date) was which
made me sink further into sadness. i responded with im not sure
he could only retort with oh, that sucks, and then he walked in with girl in hand
after a few minutes i went back inside and peered in again
she was with her 2 sisters and were chatting and looking around
so i went back outside and sat back on the steps
at the time i didn't know that my mom hadn't left and waited to make
sure i was going in and not getting taken advantage of and or getting into trouble
i heard her honk the horn and upon looking up and seeing the red tank
the tears poured from my eyes and i stood up to walk the walk of shame
tail between my legs, hobbling with wound, still holding the boxed corsage in hand
she got out to meet me and hugged me a bit but i, so ashamed and feeling pathetic,
i only wanted to get in the car and leave immediately.
she consoled me for a while, hugging me and wiping my tears way until i calmed down
and somehow convinced me to try to go in anyway, she said she could be my valentine
but i nicely said it's ok i will try to go back in
i attempted to walk in and as i did it was as though everything had stopped and
everyone was looking at me, i didn't understand until i saw rena hand in hand with
another guy, i looked away but when i looked back she was kissing the guy
i felt as though i had entered the building completely naked with no clothes on at all.
i then left running and told my mom to please take me home
the whole car ride home, the events played over and over again in my mind
upon arriving home the walk of shame into the house
the saddened feeling of my father asking why i was home so soon
the shame of taking off the shoes and nice suit
i laid on the bed tears streaming and eventually fell asleep
my first valentines day experience

valentines day

Well, I lay here ill, the phone remains silent, as does most things in my life. Only the notifications of a few farm simulator games vibrating my phone here and there.  A familiar loneliness sweeps my mind as illness sweeps my body. A tag team like no other. No mate or spouse or wife to care. Just the hollow halls of my mind and the echos of what once was. I call out silently. I know no one hears, even my cats have avoided me lately, probably due to this formidable cough that persists. The exploding chest. There's a friendly ringing in my ears that blends nicely with the song playing on repeat. The tv is on and the game show channel is on but muted. The flicker reflections on the ceiling also blend nicely with the song. I can hear one of the cats crunching as it eats. Too tired to stick my head up to see which one it is. Randomly I close my eyes for a while and watch the light trying to shine through my eye lids. All that variety of red. Red.....red.....the color of valentines day, the color of love, of burning passion. All those beautiful people out there fulfilling the desires, the passions,  the infinite love of each other. I can only imagine how it must be to feel that, but of course I try my best to not think about it as it only brings tears and pain. Ohhh how much longer must I go without the beautiful, warm, and loving embraces of another? The beautiful caressing of one another's faces, the hugs as though we couldn't squeeze and hold long enough. Those moment where space and time no longer exist and the world waits for time to begin again. Where is she? Where did she go? My reality is obviously much different than all those beautiful people with love so abundant. Than all those beautiful couples wisping off to romantic get aways,  to hotel room nights, to a weekend vacation of love, of lust, of emotion and passion burning. And i.....i lay here ill.....I lay here ill......
I lay here feeling unloved, unwanted, forgotten like the worn pair of running shoes in the back of the closet. valentines day........valentines day......chewed bubble gum stuck under a table. 

2-10-16 1:21am

well now, im 40 and the days are still short
still waiting to see what happens tomorrow
recently found a good friend from years and years ago
when i was the fresh age of 16 or 17
was nice catching up
i feel ok most days with a hint of melancholy
sometimes with the building of walls
and yes im still jumping through hoops same as you
into an oceanless blue
sort of like ebenezer scrooge, anything and everything.
i used to think that i couldn't become "jaded" so to speak
but with each tear that falls from my eyes
which each broken heart, with each lonely feeling
i can feel the fingers of it tapping my shoulders
i can see it's arms coming from behind me to embrace
me with it's hugs of icy cold
i can sense it trying to guide me to a world of sheer and total defeat
but alas i hang on, as best i can, the whole doing my best thing
well, the girl cat is sitting next to me on the couch
as for the boy cat, he's more than likely in the back room dreaming
this winter, thus far, has been fairly mild, not much of the frozen
temperatures and shivering nights alone in the darkness
i only hope this don't mean a very warm spring and boiling summer
ive recently given up hard liquor(vodka) and haven't had any
in almost a month now, not that i had a problem with it
i only drank when i would hang out with friends, socially.
there's a bottle of vodka in my freezer that's half full and has
been there for months and months, since around june of 2015
i figured for 40 years old i'd try getting back into shape
and getting back to the body i once had, or close to it anyway
now that it's post birthday weekend i've decided to give up
all forms of alcohol as an experiment of sorts to see how things are
well, the grey hair is coming in more and more
i like the hint of age on me, it's kind of nice
a sort of comfort ironically
and with my hair longer than it;s ever been in my entire life
it makes it all interesting
well, these waves of the ocean, relentless, brutal, and very lonely
i ride them as best as i can, it's always easy when you have
someone to ride them with, maybe one day.......
for now ill just wait to see what happens tomorrow.
i dream on

he

40 years have passed since he first took his first breath.
he was not the typical young boy.
he walks in areas where there are no paths.
he has done this all his life.
he stays in the same town he grew up in.
he wonders about what it is like to move and live elsewhere.
he has had various hobbies during his lifetime, all of which he has, pretty much, given up on.
he drives a car that is 12 years old with 118,875 miles on it, the mule.
he wishes he had wings to fly high in the sky,  but reality is often harsh.
he goes out with friends here and there,  but always goes home to an empty bed.
he sometimes feels completely alone in a room full of people.
he keeps busy most of the time while waiting to see what happens tomorrow.
he often wishes there was significant other that gives to him what he gives to her.
someone willing to leap as he leaps, fly as he flies, feel as he feels, but he has to keep his feet on the ground.
he sometimes feels like a piece of bubble gum, chewed up and either spit out or stuck under a table somewhere.
he wears his heart on his shoulders,  while living inside of it.
have you seen where he went? 

originally wrote this around August of last year, added a bit to it, and only just now deciding to post it.