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just what is melancholy
what is it when you're disconnected
from feeling anything at all
like lost in fog so thick you cant
see anything else except fog
and for some reason it reminds me of
a recurring dream i used to have as a child
i'm laying in a bed and the sky is blackened
with a slight dark dark red hue to it
there's two massive objects in the sky above
one on each side of me
they're like darkened grey rocks
sometimes i could see myself laying
on the bed below and other times i couldn't
but when i could see myself,
the bed was seemingly in a spotlight
or just lit up a little brighter than everything else
sometimes i'd hear a voice whispering
sometimes it was a male voice, other times a female voice
and sometimes still the voice seemed neither male or female
sometimes i couldn't actually hear what was being said
other times i'd hear it's ok or it will be ok
there was a thin line or wire connecting the two
rock like objects in the sky
the object on the right would form a hole
right where the line connected
and a marble looking object would roll out
and begin rolling towards the left object
once it got to it, it would begin rolling back
and each time it got to the object on the right
the line would get a little more slack in it
so that the line started to droop down
and no matter how much slack was in the line
the marble object never got any faster or slower
and right when the line was getting close to me,
the object on the right side would turn into a hand
and grab the marble object with it's pinky finger
and then grab the line and straighten it out and form solid
again, then the hole would form again for the marble to begin
rolling again and it would repeat this until i woke
all the while i would feel like my body was immensely massive
and myself or my soul felt microscopic
like i could feel myself inside my body
strange dream....not as strange as the ritalin induced dreams
i had back then...they were something like old screensavers
from like windows 95 or something
crazy patterns and colours and like television snow
constantly changing and moving and morphing
yes, i had those dreams, as strange as it sounds, even to me
they were also recurring dreams
what's it like to deeply know as a child that something
about a tiny pill was bad and caused me to, psychologically,
have trouble swallowing it
as if to subconsciously know it was bad for me
and from then on i had trouble taking most any pills
unless i took them with a meal
although now i just prefer taking a pill with meals to
prevent upset stomach and such
it was because i didn't quite learn like the rest, you see
hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder...or so they called it
was an uneventful day today
a repetition of the same blurred days
i'm still under the melancholy haze
the girl cat is in another room somewhere probably
sleeping and dreaming like i only wished i could
i still walk like a plastic bag in the wind
and it's strange, even though i feel melancholy completely
i still "co-exist" with loneliness like it's here with me
even though i don't feel it....such a strange feeling indeed
my thoughts are like a book with all the pages being blank
absent of words or form...like looking into the thickest of fog
i'm being soothed by the song i put at the bottom
it's been on repeat for the past 2 or 3 days now
and played all day as well
i feel it resonate with me for some reason and in some way
and words have escaped me as to why or how
the words escape me in general now
perhaps it's because the bed calls for me
to come and warm it up
maybe i'll dream a strange one this night
this night as another midnight passes by
