today's journal entry with untitled

i've remained silent lately, with nothing much to say,
nothing much to write about without seeming like a broken record
the heat grows as does the humidity, soon july will be here
and the heat will increase, then august comes with it's oven times
baking us all into loaves of clumsiness and sweat and tiredness
seemingly baking the very life out of us.
i never liked the heat of texas summers, i've always preferred
the beauty of fall, the coolness, the beauty of temperatures
finally dropping down after long texas summers of baking in the oven
the colors, the dew, the fog, the changing of the leaves on trees, it's nice.
uncertainty remains constant in my mind, thoughts lingering on change
change while maintaining one fact, one thought, one emotion, one heaven.
most fear change, i embrace it the way a parent embraces it's lost child upon reuniting.
well, allergies kicking my eyes into watery redness annoyances
sleeping a little better lately, or so it seems anyway
the cats still live their pampered easy lives unaware of human realities
or are they unaware? this we will never know.
my mind hungers on.

untitled
i often wander through forests of people, finding it difficult to move
strangulated by their words, their oppressions, their hatred.
their branches of impeding complications and dramas.
their thorns of spite, their barbs of animosity.
sometimes i find another person like me, wandering.
we walk together for a while, searching for a way out of the forest
then we decide to meander away from each other
or differences and complications determine for us
i wander away trying to find some solace, but that was taken away
my feet move with a heaviness, my arms out weight my feet
my head feels like it could fall off, it too is so heavy
i think of how it would look rolling on the ground after falling off
wandering away does no good as i just turn from one forest into another.
more strangulating words, oppressions, and hatreds.
so, i will continue my meandering wander, my search for my solace.

hiding pain with more pain

the fire that burned up a good portion of his fields has been extinguished it seems.
the grass and vegetation is starting to grow again. warming sunlight shines,
a misty, light rain falls nourishing the scorched areas heavy hit.
these waters feed it all, they feel good, like getting your favorite meal,
like getting back to a state of normalcy, getting back the life you know and love.
there are people hurting. hurting so much, they look for ways to distract them
from the pain they feel.
they don't understand it yet, but those distractions will only add to the pain
they run from.
they run fast and hard, from each distraction to the next, like a marathon
runner going from checkpoint to checkpoint in a race trying to win.
they think it's easier to keep running or hiding or distracting themselves,
but it actually takes more out of a person to always run or hide.
but pain isn't easy...even the small temporary relief from it is good enough
to them even though it only adds up in the end.
some go to extreme lengths to run or hide from pain.
marathons of self destructive behaviours, some bringing temporary relief.
an assortment of new pain and problems arrive with each distraction.
the cycle continues
the fires burn out of control with no firefighters, containment is a must.
destruction spreads. life feeding on another life..such is how it is...
or actually how man has accepted things to be.

this was part of a journal entry
from 2013 sometime

12th of june 2014

it rained today, a solace in the steaming brightened heat of summer days
but oh the humidity it brings there after or the next day.
feeling better these past 2 days, there's still something in the air
people driving too fast, in a hurry to wait as i always say.
in a hurry to wait.
so many people, they have no idea that they've entered into my life
by the simple fact that i see them.
people who would stab me or you in the back to get ahead in the world
and yet in another instance put themselves in harms way to help/save someone
that was in a car accident or any accident of any kind for that matter
people are funny, people are strange, people are people are people
of course the people that put themselves in harms way are becoming
few and fewer as the days pass and time goes on. interesting actually
memories constantly flooding into my head like a raging and flooding river
from both rain as well as mountain ice and snow melting in the spring
my mind feels like it is in a room with solid white floors and there is
nothing in the room except those solid white floors
almost abnormally white and bright white like the fresh snow on a winter's morning
with walls of grey and memories lingering like walking into a home after
a nice meal was very recently cooked and the smell is thick in the air
or after a woman has recently gotten ready to go out and the pleasant smell
of perfume hangs in the air tickling the smell senses
oh how crazy this world is, this life, the normalcy of insanity
it's status quo now, it's status quo
writing during lunch seems hurried and yet it doesn't.
strange

6 - 8 - 2014 with the girl searching

it rained this morning and my head was heavy
my chest feels funny, my physical heart seems weakened
or feels that way anyway.
haven't been sleeping well lately waking up numerous times
throughout the long nights
something is different lately, not sure what it is but i can feel it in the air
a friend of years killed himself on wednesday, something is in the air
i sometimes go back and read my composition books
and i think what kind of nonsensical rambling is this
then i ask myself why i keep the books when im done
why do i write my thoughts and feelings down anymore?
therapeutic? coping mechanism? a cry for an ear to hear?
saying that just now makes me think of an older piece i wrote
called who am i where i said:
what ears has my voice reached and entered lightly or heavily?
anyway, it's nonsensical to think on these things
my bones often ache with really sharp stabbing pains in my feet and lower legs
discolored spots have appeared on my feet as well
i lay on this bed, which is older than i am alive, and i think.....
i think and i imagine and i dream and i feel
the boy cat often sleeps near my feet although lately he's been
sleeping on the floor near the window.
trimmed the beard way down, not as hot now, but the long hair
traps alot of heat though so there's that
losing my appetite here n there as well like today for instance, who knows....
i feel tired today, i feel old today, i feel discarded today
i think sometimes that if i feel this now, what is to come
when i really do reach 70 or 80 years old?
then again there's no certainty in this life
we're not guaranteed tomorrow.
i still think about moving to iceland
the surrealness of moving somewhere where you can not
communicate with anyone unless of course they speak your native language
trying to survive and starting a new life fresh
maybe then i wouldn't feel so alienated and alone all the time

the girl searching
she arrives at the club each night, hair perfectly done....pristine
clothing nice and fitting looking great and in a good mood
she searches for her answers, searches for some consolation
to make everything ok even if for a short while
she gets lost in conversation, in dancing, in drinking
she meets a guy, hoping he'll have the answers
they talk and exchange conversation for a while
then she moves on searching endlessly, watching for her answers
hurting often, crying here n there, but mostly avoiding it all
it's like a dance, she is here and there is the trouble
together they move in circles of form and posture
their dance will last forever, until she gets the answers she seeks
the consolation she wants, until the aching of her troubled past
is tranquilized with a reprieve of finality and closure.
she didn't know, when she was young, that some moments will last forever
those moments.....those moments in time
so it haunts her and taunts her each time she thinks
it changes her perception, her way of being to a different road
but she maintains as best as she can, as best as she knows how.
so each time she goes out to search she prepares thoroughly
hoping....yet afraid that one day she will find it.

i refrain with today's journal entry

so i try to maintain position in mind, but is it more just a simple refrain?
struggling like all the others, i abstain from the norm
my non conformity complexes my sense of normalcy
is that an oxymoron to have non conformity and normalcy together?
i feel ridiculous lately, lost and confused lately yet focused and clear
my troubled, hurting heart, my mixed and jumbled thoughts.
like everyone keeps throwing these sharp darts at my target heart
and target mind as if it were a game.......i refrain
it's hot today, didn't even want to go outside.
it's too bright today, my eyes grow weary of summer already
the long hair and longer than normal beard make the heat worse
and gives me zit covered nose effect for greater "enjoyment"
my creativity has dried up lately, haven't done any graphic art
in months, my writing has been ok it seems with the
occasional here and there's tossed into my mind that i spit out
the girl cat sleeps on her usual spot on the top of the back of the couch
she's carefree and energetic most of the time until the boy cat gets domineering
over her and decides to attack her randomly here n there, then she hides away
the boy cat sleeps in the bay window, sun shining onto his belly
he's carefree and lazy alot with the occasional hairball surprise he leaves here n there
how simple they live, free from the awareness that we all have
their awareness differs, obviously.
it's almost time to get another composition book since this one
is nearly full now.
there's is an alienation that's always been around since i can remember
the ritalin didn't help this. i always think back as far as i can,
but my memory doesn't really start till around 9 or 10 year old or so
the ritalin didn't help this and probably caused this, who knows
alienation, ousted from the rest, separate from all else
my non conformity didn't help this.
perhaps my non conformity came from the alienation
or maybe it's vice versa, who's to know?
in other news the dream i had last night really bothered and troubled me
i wrote about it yesterday, but posting it now isn't the right time just yet
been feeling tired and groggy alot lately, the occasional ache n pain dont help this
i wanna light a wishing lamp with you and wish away into a dream of heaven
who knows..........the randomness of my brain.....who knows..........

it's rare for me to post a journal entry without it being years old, but what the hell.
=)