it rained this morning and my head was heavy
my chest feels funny, my physical heart seems weakened
or feels that way anyway.
haven't been sleeping well lately waking up numerous times
throughout the long nights
something is different lately, not sure what it is but i can feel it in the air
a friend of years killed himself on wednesday, something is in the air
i sometimes go back and read my composition books
and i think what kind of nonsensical rambling is this
then i ask myself why i keep the books when im done
why do i write my thoughts and feelings down anymore?
therapeutic? coping mechanism? a cry for an ear to hear?
saying that just now makes me think of an older piece i wrote
called who am i where i said:
what ears has my voice reached and entered lightly or heavily?
anyway, it's nonsensical to think on these things
my bones often ache with really sharp stabbing pains in my feet and lower legs
discolored spots have appeared on my feet as well
i lay on this bed, which is older than i am alive, and i think.....
i think and i imagine and i dream and i feel
the boy cat often sleeps near my feet although lately he's been
sleeping on the floor near the window.
trimmed the beard way down, not as hot now, but the long hair
traps alot of heat though so there's that
losing my appetite here n there as well like today for instance, who knows....
i feel tired today, i feel old today, i feel discarded today
i think sometimes that if i feel this now, what is to come
when i really do reach 70 or 80 years old?
then again there's no certainty in this life
we're not guaranteed tomorrow.
i still think about moving to iceland
the surrealness of moving somewhere where you can not
communicate with anyone unless of course they speak your native language
trying to survive and starting a new life fresh
maybe then i wouldn't feel so alienated and alone all the time
the girl searching
she arrives at the club each night, hair perfectly done....pristine
clothing nice and fitting looking great and in a good mood
she searches for her answers, searches for some consolation
to make everything ok even if for a short while
she gets lost in conversation, in dancing, in drinking
she meets a guy, hoping he'll have the answers
they talk and exchange conversation for a while
then she moves on searching endlessly, watching for her answers
hurting often, crying here n there, but mostly avoiding it all
it's like a dance, she is here and there is the trouble
together they move in circles of form and posture
their dance will last forever, until she gets the answers she seeks
the consolation she wants, until the aching of her troubled past
is tranquilized with a reprieve of finality and closure.
she didn't know, when she was young, that some moments will last forever
those moments.....those moments in time
so it haunts her and taunts her each time she thinks
it changes her perception, her way of being to a different road
but she maintains as best as she can, as best as she knows how.
so each time she goes out to search she prepares thoroughly
hoping....yet afraid that one day she will find it.
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