untitled...my emotional thoughts

and so it has exploded from me once more
the fountain of tears that i started to think
had dried up and turned to dust
heartache and loneliness have paid a visit
poking and prodding my heart and mind
rivers of tears form in vain
no thirst of trees and grasses to quench
sometimes i feel like i am in vain
my love is in vain
my loyalty is in vain
my emotions are in vain
i wanna rest my head on your shoulder
and cry a torrent of pain and emotion out
i want to feel the beauty of acceptance
and the hugs of raw emotion
i wanna have trouble saying bye again
i want to have sweaty hands from holding yours
and then for my hand to smell like yours
for the rest of that day
oh please is there a reprieve?
something to soothe this torment
something to take this guttural torture from me
and lift me high into skies of brilliance
into the golden arms of eternal love and bliss
oh how i tire of this sadness
i tire of this mind of mine
it's ways of thought and thinking
i tire of thinking there's no place for me
no place for me to call home
my hands are out stretched
my arms open wide
a desperation chokes my voice
that calls into the air
that seems to cry out in vain
oh lord i just wanna feel normal again

written about an hour ago
after an overwhelming sadness struck me
thought about not posting it but
what the hell, here it is.
you can laugh at me over it

 

12-14-2017

10:55pm
well it began 14 years ago when i traded
in my old car for this one, the donk, the mule
and it ended at a collision at 2:30am
luckily no one was injured, only the donk was
the donk saw many times in my life,
some of the most amazing times and also some of the worst
it was a good haul, but like alot of things
it too had to come to an end
and so tomorrow comes the hunt for yet another
donkey or mule
hell, i have been wordless again
more melancholy than, i think, ever before lately
not really feeling much of anything at all
and then today came and randomly emotion hit
still feel like the lost kitten looking for home
the first day in a while where i actually felt something
and, of course, it was an overwhelming sadness
oh i miss those days past when heaven was with me every day
and my heart sung songs louder than it's ever
my mind overflowed with words and digital art
but alas, here i am, right here, in this way
well, i have the girl cat to keep me company
she's sitting at my feet with contentment.
my mind wanders to those fields of eternal love
i wanna fly away to those fields again and stay forever
stay forever with you 
never to look back, never to look back
but sadly im stuck on this beach
with nothing but bleached bones all around
the tide comes and goes, routine
the skies are like the night sky, black and dark
except that the sun is shining brightly
properly bleaching those bones that lie about
both new and old bones
foot prints everywhere, but not a soul around
only me and yet when i walk, there's nothing left behind
there's a ringing in my ears and my eyes are tired
i smile as tears begin to fall from my eyes
that old familiar feeling
a collision of thoughts and emotions
that built up and exploded out from my eyes
of course the smile don't last
my feet hurt from all the walking around, meandering
i wished i could see those beautiful colors again
oh those reds and blues and greens
i'd like to hear those beautiful sounds and songs again
all i hear is the whisper of thoughts and emotions in my head
i'd like to sit down for a while, but i know that if i do
i wont be able to see what might happen tomorrow
and so i keep walking along this beach of bones

does anyone?

does anyone read this thing and actually
have interest in my stuff?
if so message me on instagram
letting me know
it would help me alot during
this time of my life
my instagram is: thatothertom
 https://www.instagram.com/thatothertom/
thanx

they all say it

they all said i love you
and then gave me the opposite
one by one, each taking a piece of me with them
never once did i get to hear those words and
the words and the woman sticking true to them
all that remains is a hollow log of a man
waiting to be used for firewood
firewood that gets burned up by the next
one to come along and say those words
all i ever wanted is to be truly loved and
the woman to actually mean it
all i ever wanted is to be held
and that hold lasting forever
all i ever wanted is my face touched
and that touch lasting forever
i need that fresh air in my lungs
but instead i get the dust from when they're gone
there is one commonality here and that's me
i'm flawed and make mistakes
i'm sometimes dumb and do ignorant things
oh lord, is it that i'm cursed?
is it that i should perpetually feel the flames
of eternal sadness lapping at my face instead
of that gentle and beautiful touch
is it that i've been chosen to represent the
rejects, the down trodden, the suicide cases?
is it that i'm meant to wander down the empty halls
and streets forever?
are my hopes and dreams a form of torture
and the only times i get a reprieve
is when i'm unconscious?
ive hoped and dreamed of someone coming along
and saying to me i love you and then sticking by me
through it all till the end of my days
as i do with the ones i say i love you to
i love you, those all powerful words
will i ever get to hear them and see them play out forever?
or will i end up spending the last of my days in the
sorrowful arms of loneliness and broken heartedness
as the grim reaper comes knocking at my door?

written two weeks ago
the first time i've ever written something 
and felt it was truly complete when i 
stopped writing and looked at it

farewell

a collapse of worlds and dreams,
an echo of what once was
a compilation of emotions
i feel completely broken....destroyed
and of course with that comes the loneliness
well hell, it's holiday time now once again
another year gone the way of the wind
and oh how they go by so fast these days
and still the sadness remains
another heart break
each time my heart breaks i feel i lose some of it
so much so that now i feel like there's no
heart left to get broken
i've given it away so many times only for it to be handed back
with pieces missing and broken off
a hollow shell remains, the peanut shells of a bar
"oh he had so much to give and so much potential"
it's hard to wear your heart on your shoulders
while living inside of it, but that's all i knew
a cat's toy, pawed at and played with
just to be discarded
i am beyond tired, on every level
physically, mentally, emotionally, etc etc
i am tired of fighting for dreams and beauty
i think it's time for me to disappear now
the days push wearily on my shoulders
i'm not as strong as i once thought
as i once even felt
my mind is weakened and hurts, unable to bear the
burdens of the heart, aspirations, and of love
but perhaps that is due to my age growing
older and older
the dreams and aspirations i once had grow
dimmer and dimmer
some have even gone completely dark now
but the ones that remain are 
not as bright and vibrant as they once were
i don't bring the beauty and happiness to others
lives like i thought that i once did before
i think about this often, about the good that i've
brought to this world and to others lives
and there's not much that i can see or even any
proof that i've done good or left good impressions
oh how i wished things were different
eventually we all lose the fight
but i figure by now why fight for naught
the days of losing myself in bottles were easier
but even that required effort to do
giving up and disappearing is effortless
i only hope that loneliness doesn't follow me
even into this absence

been extraordinarily difficult 
recently and especially now
to those that want to stay in touch
message me on instagram
i'll be checking it for a short while longer 
before disappearing completely

the ones of the night

they roam at night, ready to strike.
with their hypnotic eyes and words and movements. 

tickling ones mind with all the things we think we'd like to find. 

their words and actions target the heart, the mind, 

the weakened soul that's taken some hits from their 

arrows, bullets, and bombs. a repetition of cycles. 

and so I sit here waiting for the next arrow to hit, 

the next bomb to drop on my target heart. 

watching them take aim, guns poised, skilled snipers. 

and by this middle age, oh how they've perfected their skill. 

i wonder how many confirmed kills they have, 

how many have fallen before. 

am I the next target for them to take out?
while my heart is in recovery from taking a direct hit from 

the sharpest of arrows, the full metal jacket,
the mother of all bombs. 

a direct hit.

came to me last night and posted it
but now cleaned it up a bit
and added the song

he told her

i was born to love you he told her
just before he ran his hands down her shoulders
and showed her his love in an embrace
he looked into her eyes and kissed her face
her lips
never could he have imagine a love so great
as he began to connect the dots that relate to fate
to the future
the connections made were immediate and flush
like Picasso painting a masterpiece with his brush
he summarized it over and over in his brain
the reasons why he went through all the pain
was because one day he'd meet her

and it's then that he'd see his future

written for someone long gone now
potentially not finished, but here it is

 

society

the world is crazy, people are ads in a magazine. 

we've lost humanity in a catch phrase, 

it explodes and spreads clinging to heartbeats and dreams,  

converting them to nightmares. 

the fires burn wild across the tempers of innocence. 

It's rage permeates likes sweat through a shirt.
the words I seek creep through the street, unseen by most 

their voices echos, as mine does, down the halls of stories untold

down the alleys ways of thought and memories

everyone is for sale if the price is right, a moment in time,
a memory, an explosion that slaughters hundreds.
Death is the reprieve, but there's no going back,
what's done is done. The final solution.
The finality of this mortal shell.These pleasantries,  these shoulder taps in passing,
the shit piles up under hooves, under words,
under emotions hidden by words, wrapped up in experience.
Gifted to those we "love". Everyone is for sale,  name the price,
selling ourselves out short, souls lost cry in vane.

deciding to post this after it has been 
hanging out in my drafts for a while
it still feels incomplete, very much so
but here it is anyway
maybe i'll come back to it and add more

 

the children

the children are crying, but the world is crazy so they feed the tears
the children grow older and the tears turn to anger
and they turn the anger into action, into pain
into self destruction
neglected of emotion and care they cry loudly,
glowing flat screens are their babysitters,  

their teachers, their distractions.
their cries subdued by entertainments and storytellers. 

mindless consumption is the main story told. 

no way to know better they believe every word. 

they grow into adulthood and are thrown to the colleges, 

of which only a few make it, 

the rest are turned out into the realities of life. 

that not everyone makes it, not everyone made the right choices

and that people do fail, crash, and burn.
that the only guarantee in life is that, eventually, we all die. 

and so they come in full force, anger defined, defiant to any and all. 

ready to destroy that which you hold dear, 

that which is true essence of beauty upon this earth. 

because their beauty was destroyed by lies and deceit.

the children are crying, but the world is lazy so they give

the responsibility to the teachers of the schools

and when their children fail, they blame the world

the children are crying, but the world is blind

as always, i'm not sure if it's finished or not

but here it is 

 

øjeRum · Don't Worry About The Darkness, Mother, It Conceals Nothing

a new beginning

with clarity my eyes now see
no longer clouded by memory
by the old dreams that haunted me
with potential, my heart sings
it's song is heard by all
seen in dreams throughout the universe
with certainty i stand firm
my thoughts are on you, my heart is with you
my commitment to you
i now stand here with you
hand in hand we face the span of time together

wrote this for someone long gone now

 

should it be rejection

should it be that i cry every time,
that i lie in defeat each time they walk away?
should it be that i suffocate in what could have been
in what might have happened if....
should it be that my purpose was set to be shrouded in misery,
in the rejection persistent throughout the duration of my life
should it be that i will always be inhaling the expirations of others?
should it be that i live through this life with nothing
or no one to call my own
i make my plea with the universe...PLEASE
should it be the life i seek will always be out of reach,
dangling a taunting tease with no end in sight
should it be that rejection will be with me forever,
that love will elude me and that tears and heartache are
the only thing to soothe me and soothe my mind
into patterns of habit and repetition
into tears and tears and more tears
into perpetual alone movie nights and an empty bed,
with no hugs or cares or smiles
will it be that rejection will be the mainstay that drives me to insanity
or perhaps to be used as a means to leave to escape
the chained and bonded way of things
i tire, i tire of the repetition the same results no matter the course
oh i've jumped off cliffs with hands free
into beds and lives that evade me
into dreams and fantasies that slip away from me
or are taken away from me, taken away
should it be, should it be,
should it be rejection

a little something that came to me tonight
after having a movie night solo
and with nothing but my mind to roam 

b_m from cabina on Vimeo.

the woman on Swiss Avenue

She turned the corner on a cross street, visibly upset. 

She was wearing jeans and boots with a tank top and a 

woman's style leather jacket. Her hair up was up and 

seemed groomed. She appeared clean and in good hygiene. 

Appearing to turn back and converse with no one as 

she was walking alone. She knocked on a garage door 

as she walked.  Three times she turned back and said 

something to no one before stopping in front of a 

dumpster, bending down for a while as though she 

were crying before rummaging through the dumpster 

and then talks at no one again before walking down 

Swiss Avenue towards the train station. She then 

begins to take her coat off and then throws it in the air. 

She turns around and walks back to the dumpster and 

grabs what appears to be a bigger coat and puts it on 

and walk back from the corner she came from. The coat 

appears to be dirty, old, and weathered. After a minute 

or so,  she comes back without a coat on any longer and 

then rummages through the clothes in the dumpster and 

puts on a large T-shirt with some design and words on 

it and proceeds to walk back around the corner she came 

from again. That T- shirt also appeared to be old and dirty. 

It's been thirty minutes now and there's no sign of her 

anymore, I wonder where she went and what her story is. 

Her original coat still lays in the street seemingly 

in a spotlight of the street light now shining brightly. 

saw this happen and, for some reason, 

my mind told me to write it out

8-27-2017 with: paper

did she destroy me? 

no, hardly, more like she wadded me up like paper. 

rather i wadded myself up in response to her absense

in response to the world around me

all i need is to be massaged with words, 

with hands and love and flatten me out gently 

so you can see me as i truly am. 

without the masks of wrinkles and mechanisms

that protect me from the very things i want most 

written on this day in 2014

once again, not sure if it's done or not

27-8-2017 19:06

well here i am, the thoughts and words are a jumble

the heart is sad and we are drifting

a log in a stream, a buoy at sea, a hot air balloon in the sky

the days grow shorter now as the sun tries to hide

sooner and sooner each day

tries to hide from all that it sees on this earth

all of the pain and aching hearts and brokenness

it's opposites day and we're all forced into this 

of course we all have the option of leaving

but then what about tomorrow?

i kind of enjoy this waiting to see what happens tomorrow

this idea that tomorrow might be the most brilliant of days

that the absolute most magical of days are yet to come

and that all my drifting and meandering and fighting

will not be in vain and all the tears wasted

and so i wait, i sit with my mind open and ready

my body poised to just go

and as always, my heart wide open

well, i feel sad and disheartened, that's all, staying positive

the girl cat lays on the couch in her usual spot for napping

and the boy cat lays in the bay window sleeping
i want to see skies like ive never seen before
i want to hear songs and laughter like ive never heard before
i want to love and be loved like never before
i want to soar in those skies of beauty forever
until then, well i am just waiting to see what happens tomorrow

i dream on

7-8-2017

it was an ordinary day as per custom
ate dinner with dad and ran into my mom
at the same restaurant so we all sat together
talked of this and that, the family goings on
well, i wished i could say everything is all better
that im overflowing with elation and good luck
that i met an amazing woman and love is here
i wished i could say that all my dreams and aspirations
have finally come to past and everything is wonderful
oh i dream, dont i, oh do i dream and wish
now dont get me wrong, im not all sad and dreary all the time
in fact most of the time i'm good to go
only those times at night alone, and even sometimes in a room
full of people, the loneliness, the thinking
the feelings, it can overwhelm
above everything else i wonder what will happen tomorrow
is there anyone else in this world that feels the same?
anyone else that understand this feeling of alone and sadness?
anyone that understands how i feel?
i just keep holding on
i watch those tomorrows come and then go
one after another, some eventful and others a bland repetition
my time has to come right? my turn for the happy and wonderful times?
oh well, same old thing here, not much to chime about
just the getting older and the repetition and the waiting
can't try to force things to happen that only happen the natural way
so i just wait to see what happens tomorrow
jeeze, i always sound like a broken record
it' funny i hate sounding like a broken record
i also hate sounding like i just regurgitated something else i've read
well, i feel ok, i guess, only some harsh pains in my left knee
the cats are up to their usual ways of carefree living
the girl cat lays in the middle of the room purring and content
the boy cat is in the back room somewhere, probably sleeping
and i, well i sit here typing all this nonsense out
i dream on, waiting to see what happens tomorrow

5-8-2017

well, it's been a while
im mostly dried up these days, with nothing to say
with only things to feel of the negative sort
so i bury them down and remain positive
i watch the seasons come and go
the cold, the warm, the hot, the cool, and the cold again
is it wrong for me to constantly think
about what will happen tomorrow?
life is so incredibly strange but beautiful
times changing worlds colliding
and i just watch from the side, waiting
waiting to see what happens tomorrow
maybe im a fool, a doltish one
or maybe my heart knows better than anything
knows better than even my own mind
maybe it sees better than my eyes see
my heart...my heart, oh god the pain though
the pain of a thousand lifetimes
and in a thousand different ways
the tears that have come from my eyes from the pain
could probably fill up countless swimming pools
the tears that come even now today as i type this out
just a simple release, a way of letting those tears fall
it's a crazy world we're in, a crazy time as well
a buildup, a building up to a point, so it seems to me
so i just watch, once again, watching to see what happens tomorrow
well, i feel ok, i guess, pretty much the same old thing
the neighbors are still noisy, no sign of the wasps anymore
perhaps they too wanted to get away from the noisiness
the girl cat sits next to me looking up at me
with eager attention and anticipation
the boy cat sleeps on my bed dreaming
i wonder
i dream
i want to see what happens tomorrow

1-12-17

well, it's the new year now, the holidays in recession
my birthday nears in a few weeks, nothing new there
another day, another year older, closer to the unknown
and so my mind is still the same, not much moving
around in there these days, spit out a few new "pieces"
of digital art, but those are as simple to create as eating pizza
today was a hard day, harder than usual,
the weight of a thousand thoughts piled on my mind
a thousand thoughts of a thousand lifetimes
been physically sick for the past few days
some kind of flu/upper respiratory infection type thing
there were two days of not being able to move much at all
didn;t eat for nearly 48 hours, but did drink a little
and still became very dehydrated with the chapped/cracking lips
body feeling ok now, but head and lungs still funky
the cough is brutal at times as well with the headaches and such
that and this state of mind and we're talking a real party here
well, the cats are up to their usual of this hour.
in the back room sleeping in ways we only dream of
my wings were clipped shortly after i was born
my body has only ever flown high up in the sky
when i had true, romantic, unconditional love
and ive only ever had that once.
and now i dream, i dream a dream eternally

some days

some days, i feel the pain of a thousand years
a thousand years of heartache, heartbreak, and loss
and oh do my eyes ache...ache so loudly
some days,  i feel the hopelessness of the orphaned child
the orphaned child that cries in the moonlit night
waiting, hoping for the bliss of adoption
some days, i feel the defeat of a conquered city
buildings crumbing and in ruins
smoldering pillars of smokes rising into the sky
some days, i feel the abandonment a that a pet
that was left behind in some random parking lot to fend for itself
a desperate clinging to any and all that come along
to get beat down or taken for granted
some days, i feel the pain
some days, i feel the hopelessness
some days, i feel the defeat
some days, i feel the abandonment
today, is one of those days

insomnia driven writing....well sadness and insomnia