8-9-2021 11:32pm

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i sometimes sit down to empty
the contents of my mind
and will sit for a while overthinking every
single thought that comes to mind
sometimes it becomes an inner struggle
of which i end up tossing the thoughts
out and scrapping anything i had written
i even have gone back and reread some
of the things i've written before
back when i was still drinking
and compared them to things ive recently written
and i think did drinking really change me that much
or did i myself change because of my deep
isolation and sobriety that is still ongoing
i think deep down i've always felt big
had deep thoughts and emotions
but i buried most of myself away with drinking
and self destructive behaviors 
but perhaps i have changed a bit
i think it is impossible to have such an isolation
and to not be changed by it 
especially in the way i did
going from being an extremely social person
to an isolated hermit rarely going outside
going from tons of friends to practically none
and all the while coming to the age realization
that i'm 45 years old and a crossroads is very very near
the reality of mortality and life and life with no meaning
and the constant struggles that go with that
and all the while with no support system
so sometimes ill sit down with plenty of thoughts
just to get up having written nothing down
i guess ill admit i'm probably not the same 
person i was back then and i most definitely 
feel different inside
the core of me is the same, 
it's hard to say, though, how i feel these days
so much intense repetition and habit
that life has blurred
so much isolation that my feelings and thoughts
appear in my head the way dust or lint appears
when it's in the air and it goes into the light of a sunbeam
those tiny sparkles and the floating tumbles in the air
for some reason lately, i've started to feel 
a kind of burning inside, like a fire is lit
no idea why or what it is about, but for now i
entertain this feeling and i don't push it out
and as another midnight passes
and the and as the flames of insanity burn brightly 
on the horizons of people the world over
i sit here thinking
sifting through the days thoughts
curious of what the burning inside may mean

Artem Amirkhanyan · Է

something to think about

something i found that lines up
with my thoughts on things
ive written similar thoughts before
check it out