my art

my only art is my love

12-2-15

better days out of reach
those positive ways elude me
the flu hit me monday, full on
like getting hit by a car just without the physical damage
today, the first day i feel a bit better
body ache is gone, fever is gone as well
was a bit rough feeling that bad and having the heart ache
and loneliness...double trouble
i feel......well, i feel melancholy, but there's an ember.....
there's an ember inside me that is still smoldering
still waiting to ignite the fire again...
my problem is that it's just hard to stay positive these days
some days the anger stirs, other days the tears, other days just
the default monotony of the daily grind
and well sometimes it's a combination of all of the above
my promises and commitments stand true
my words stand true...through it all
well, thanksgiving came and went and now christmas
is creeping up not so slowly
the time passes faster and faster
and often times it seems like a few days is
equal to an eternity
let's see what tomorrow brings
the unknown, such a beauty
some fear the unknown
but there's a beauty hidden in it
i try and i cry, i am still here
my emotions and feelings and love
i soar through skies of all realities
i glide through streams of all emotions
i permeate into the pores of dreams
i do these things i do for you

11-14-15

i still struggle most days, most every day
only now i hide it behind my silent eyes
well, my eyes that are silent to most
but they scream loudly for one
my eyes.....
most things come as no surprise
except of course, when it comes to the world
more specifically the people of the world
the craziest of crazy
well, i've always needed something to drive me
not that i dont think decently of myself
but ive always needed a reason to fight
a reason to keep my persistence going
rather that be love or a passion of life or whatever
only now, im stranded on this barren beach
just waiting, perhaps im just waiting for my bones to bleach
of all the things in my life thus far, there's only one part
i truly miss, over any and all else
it's a cold and lonely night here
i sit here shivering, typing this nonsense out here
screaming and yelling louder than ever through my tears
my mouth is silent, but those tears, those tears scream
i wonder if you can hear them?
they call for you, they call your name
the cats are none the wiser
they're both in the back room somewhere
they sleep in ways i wished i could
i feel ok, the sadness persists
im just waiting to see...
life is strange, and stranger still each year that passes
dreaming, dreaming, dreaming...

5 minute "art"

some of my 5 minute "art" created today

posting a draft: evaporating

a vapor rises now, a steam, evaporating
each thought i have, evaporating
each moment i think, evaporating
each time i feel, evaporating
each time i dream, evaporating
memories and dreams, evaporating
hopes and wishes, evaporating
hugs and kisses, evaporating
love and happiness, evaporating
life evaporating

this has sat in my drafts since around the end of 2013.
here it is unedited

untitled 3 liner

i jump through hoops and swim just like you
into an oceanless blue
into the soils of the graves we fear

maybe ill add more to this, and maybe i wont
but i figured i'd share it anyway either way 

one thing to note

my ramblings here usually have a song
posted at the end of it
to get the full effect of my ramblings
hit play on the song, then start reading it
most of the songs dont have lyrics
so it shouldn't clash

10-15-15

what do you do when everything you ever hoped for,
dreamed for, aspired for is taken away from you?
all of your dreams, aspirations, realities.
well, after that, you have nothing left to do except wait
you just wait, wait to see what happens tomorrow
wait to see the sunset in a different view,
in another explosion of color
wait to see if you can dream again
there's a quote from the movie Her that i sometimes
ask myself if there is some validity to it in reality or not:
"Sometimes I think I have felt everything I'm ever gonna feel.
And from here on out, I'm not gonna feel anything new.
Just lesser versions of what I've already felt."
of course sometimes you cant help but to give up
even if only for a short while
sometimes giving up allows you to regain the strength
to continue the incessant fight of life
and of course sometimes we give up, waiting for a renewal
waiting for a reason to begin fighting again
and it is a fight....a grind that don't stop
till we die, the ultimate and inevitable stop
it is a bloodless and bloody war
an insane war that no one wins
and well, for me, i've given up for now
waiting to see what each tomorrow brings me
it's potential, the possibilities of unknown realities
waiting for my strength to renew so i can stand up
again and fight...and to wage this war
yes, i've given up before in the past
sadly, each time, it takes longer and longer to renew my strength
the older i get, as the years pass and my body grows old
the effects of life taking it's toll
well, at least my empathy is still strong as is my humbleness
so there's, at the least, that going strong
i cry at funerals, even if i've never met the person before
i see the familys' faces, their tears of guttural pain
and their pain suddenly rushes into me like the
waters from a broken damn rushing fast
i cry when watching most love story movies
i see a person fall or get injured and i cringe
but will still rush to make sure they're ok
i sometimes dream of helping people
and not because it's a selfish desire of doing good
but rather a way to spread kindness in the world
this world filled with violence and hatred and oppressions
i dream of protecting the world, save even the unsaveable
well, the cats are changing their ways in accordance
with the changing seasons, the changing weather.
the girl cat lays in the hall
and the boy cats sleeps in a back room
and me? i feel melancholy with a hint of sadness
just awaiting, waiting for the sunrise and sunset of tomorrow
i dream still

10-5-15 with my thoughts

My thoughts....oh well let's see now, what are my thoughts? My thoughts are a high speed accident on a busy downtown highway. My thoughts are lost in space and time, there is no reality to what I think. My thoughts are the homeless man drunk, sleeping under a bridge. My thoughts are lost eternally tumbling down mountains and hills. My thoughts, my thoughts are only when I dream, when I dream reality is the dream. When I dream it is eternal it is heaven never before experienced. My thoughts entwined and tangled like the lianas of jungles and forests. Jumbled together, a drunken ballet vodka flavored tossed together at the last minute. No flavoring no sugar coating just in the raw. We are full of shit and ready to explode. The smell for miles and miles. Lost forever, out of control. Take your time but hurry up all in a hurry to wait. Hit the fast forward but take two steps back. There is no escape, no reprieve or solace. Lost in a dream,  a dream never ending. Internal turmoil, torture stripped down bare. Mentally and emotionally naked no cushion or pads to soften the blows. But wait I digress. My thoughts are lingering like the smoke in a bar after the people have gone. My thoughts are in a perpetual dream. my thoughts? my thoughts don't even matter when there's no one to hear them.

this was written over the course of a few days

very sad and lonely day today

i struggle to fight the tears away

but they persist with vigor 

i feel so incredibly alone

it's almost overwhelming

an ear to hear, to care

a friend, a lover, a forever

that "one".... the "one"

a warm emotion filled hug

this war i fight alone

this room i sit alone

this mind of mine thinks alone

even my cats are unaware of these things

i am theodore twombly 

i am billy brown

i feel like i can fly

but i'm not allowed to touch the sky

well, at least the weather has been beautiful lately

of course with that come the allergies and such

the wasps have been unseen today

not any coming and going and scurrying around

the cats are doing their usual cat activities

and me?, i feel sad and incredibly alone

still stuck in the cobwebs in the corner

still watching everyone else pass through

i am a broken record

a repetition of the same or similar words

the same or similar emotions

maybe i will go join an amish community

and build stuff and farm and such.

oh well, i struggle on 

9-30-15 with sitting in a restuarant

All these random conversations going on around me,  

I find myself as the grumpy old man. Sitting in Denny's, 

waiting for food to come, in the corner alienated and away from the rest. 

Although currently I'm not grumpy or mad, mostly melancholy with a 

hint of sadness. Conversations of politics in one area, the mention 

of "conspiracy nuts". In another area, parents teaching, disciplining, 

and praising their child all in the same sentence after she said the 

word "motherfucker". Yet another conversation of an older couple talking 

about their daughters boyfriend/significant other treating their daughter 

well, taking care of her. "He's a good kid." A couple nearby in love, her arms 

wrapped around him as they sit side by side. The loving kisses, the squeezes. 

He with a smile of strong contentment. She with the gaze of love, smitten. 

Another man with his parents, "How are you, Dad? and you, Mom?" 

he talking loudly of songs playing, movies watched, politics, and the likes. 

Me, sitting alone, silent as I randomly hear all these conversations. 

Waiters scurrying around with a slight sense of frantic panic. 

Perhaps nearing the end of their shifts. A baby elsewhere in the restaurant 

begins to cry, I wonder what he or she is thinking or feeling. The young couples 

embracing postures change as a salad arrives for her to eat.
Only the embrace of her hand around her fork. I sit waiting for my food,
nothing but these conversations going on around me. I wonder how
it would be to be in any of  their shoes, to be one of them instead of me.
I wonder how it feels to be them, I wonder what they're thinking.
i wonder what they've been through. 

The clinking of glasses and dishes in the air, phone ringing, and the 

occasional breaks of silence. the food arrives.
Well, i sit at home now and fall is here, but the temperatures don't 

reflect this just yet. Only at night when the sun has gone down and
the moon rises. I have those cooler temperatures to look forward to.
The malaise of better days. the super blood moon came and went,
the splendor and enchantment. the boy cat is off in the backrooms somewhere

and the girl cat sits on the end table near the couch, grooming herself

i was ill for a day or two with some kind of chest cold type thing.

the raspy voice and minor congestion remain
well, today is dad's bday at 69 years now
a strange feeling of the reality of his age, his health/heart problems,
and the mortality of us all. death is uncontrolled when it's your time,
no matter what happens, no matter what maneuvers or procedures
are performed, you die, a reality we all avoid, we all dance around
till it hits us like a bullet. and me? well i'll be 40 in some months to come.
my mind blazing like the stream of headlights caught in time lapse videography

right now, thoughts of heaven.

i try still, the best i can muster

a persistent feeling

life is more cruel than the cruelest of us
the damage it deals lasts thousands of lifetimes
each one of us hands it down to our children
and they hand it down to theirs, but with added
intensity, added damage, redefined damage.
the actions or inactions
life tortures some more than others
our mental bears are bigger than mountains
one swipe and we're flattened for years
our eyes filled with tears, covered with liquor or beers
some of us are tortured with only a crumb
only a sample of what could be, what should be
a taste of the purest love, the most beautiful of beauty
a glimpse into the eyes of god
then it's taken away, jerked out of our hands,
slapped out of our hands so hard that our hands sting forever
the persistence of loss
over and over again precious things taken away
the anxiety and desperation sweeps us away
to float and drift into the cobwebs of the corners of life
while all else, most others, flow flawlessly through the stream
stuck in the cobwebs we're forced to watch, more torture
then comes the loss of family and friends
more loss, more desperation, more alienation
the sense of being alone so great
the loneliness of being invisible
the loneliness of Chernobyl
the loneliness an orphan feels
the loneliness of the homeless man rejected by all
a sadness most might not know
those mental bears, those infinite stairs
those powerful and deep cutting stares
im there in the middle of them
in the middle of them and still i dream
why? even those dreams are, sometimes, like a torture
like a bullet hitting my target heart
my target heart, my target heart
withstanding the barrage of life's
bullets and darts and spears
and yes, sometimes even bombs that flatten it for a while
my target heart
of course in the end, no one wins
life takes us all, eventually
and most of the time we're never ready for it

9-7-15 an elongated journal entry

the times are changing fast
faster still the older we get
i look at my life thus far and i see the realities
that all of us have to face yet none of us want to face
coming into my view, those harsh realities
my father has a weak heart and doctors say he could die at any moment
he will have an angiogram and then doctors will figure out
what will come next
the realities of stepping into the shoes of our parents
although for me, i have no kids, no significant other
these realities i face alone, not even a best friend to hear my cries
the wandering in a darkened cave at night alone
the creaks and strange sounds and the fear of inevitability
the fear of the unknown
and currently im not a beautiful ballet at the opera house
im a hobo jumping onto a train
im a distraught boy that's lost his way
im a drunken dancer that falls with each step
ive begun to accept the reality of things
the whole, not everyone gets the happy ending
some of us get the other end of the picture
the homeless man in the gutters searching for the bottle
the alcoholic, the drug addicts, the ones we see everyday
at work, working for a living and yet killing themselves working
it's been the hardest pill for me to swallow
stayed stuck in my throat for a good long while
maybe one day i'll feel the relief i dream about
maybe relief will never come, no reprieve
maybe one day i'll stop torturing myself with the dreams
maybe one day the end of the world will come
i wished i could paint a better picture
a flawless copy of Rembrandt
or Dali or M.C. Escher or even Beksinski
i wished my works were of beautiful golden
fields of timelessness
of the natural beauty in the world
of the most serene scenes of magical passion
but this is not my reality
reality, huh, maybe it's just a made up word to
make us all feel better about inevitability
well, i feel melancholy with a touch of numbness
i find myself struggling to sleep most nights
wrestling with the mental bears that prowl my mind
i try though, i really try
the boy cat lays with a look of total contentment
the girl cat watches out the front bay window
her observant focus is a beauty in itself
the wasps are really active today, coming and going
their jittery flight movements
i imagine them as beams of light, colorful light
reds and blues and greens all chiming together
as i watch them, i wonder how life would be as a wasp
the flying, defending, gathering, and dying.....
oh wait, same as us humans, yeah
well, the days are slowly getting shorter
night fall coming earlier and earlier, and then the time change
comes to rudely rearrange our sleep, twice every year
the sunsets of exploding colorful skies
i cant help but to maintain some positiveness in spite of all things
a small ember inside somewhere still smolders with a slight warmth
who knows what will come
i try the best i can, i try i try

8-25-15 a random thoughts in my head journal entry

12:29am
lonely, quiet night
the creative juices in my mind have been clogged lately
"you are your own worst critic" or so they say
i say it's about what sounds good to me and what dont
who knows?....
trying times, oh so trying
chewing my cuticles till they bleed
and sometimes even still after that
well, the cats are sleeping and the wasps are unseen since it's
the middle of the night and dark outside
i feel sad and alone, doing my best
the loudest quiet person in a room
or rather no one to listen to me, to hear me
i miss a good hug, a real hug, those i care about you hugs
those i love you completely and totally hugs
the ones that linger are the hugs of loneliness
well, august is coming near it's end
the grip of summer is slightly easing up
the embrace of fall will be most welcomed
the overcast skies and cool temps...beauty
fall and spring are nice times of year
the gentle breezes that touch you like a massage
tickling your neck and hair
a beach far away in lands of golden beauty
the never ending vacation of elation
the dreamlands of eternal brilliance shining throughout
the totality of realities seen by few
a comfortable life in fields of natural delight
instead, floating away forever on rivers of tears and dreams
no shores for my bones to bleach away on
just a short memory that fades away
like the sunset in winters seasons
the abandoned kitten in the parking lot
the dog dropped off in the park
the tired old man sitting on the old park bench
watching time pass even though he's got little time left
it's always easier with love
everything is easier, everything
the tears flow like flood waters from rivers and creeks
clouding and blurring my vision so that these words
blend and meld into grey scale color spots
the trusty wash cloth helps with that
absorbing those emotion filled drops of sadness
wiping the snot from my nose
only the embrace of music to soothe me
"there, there."

an unedited random thoughts journal entry
i may sound crazy or i may not.

the grumpy old people

well, they're out there aren't they?
from generation to generation
a timeless breed
"Get off my lawn!"
"Goddamned youngsters don't know what they've got!"
we hear them often, in the coffee shops,
sitting in front of houses on old chairs
in the lonely corner shop diners
in the early morning waking hours of Denny's
and Waffle Houses, and International House of Pancakes
you see them grumbling to themselves, complaining to no one.
they usually sit alone, disconnected from the rest
the newspapers are their shield
their coffees sit with the same steam that comes from their
grumpy words, moods, ways of being
the empty creamer and sweetener packets are their testament
talking aloud to no one and everyone
sometimes we brush them off as just a crazy old person
other times we just say they're just a grumpy old person
but how do they become grumpy old people?
well, you see, not everyone gets the happy ending
not everyone gets the spouse and kids and house of joy
not everyone has the splendors that we're all taught
from a young age
the beautiful house over looking the lake with the
white picket fences and 2 car garage
the pinnacles of modern day dreams
there are always those that get left behind
those that get the short end of the sticks
those in the mental institutions
those that end their lives with ropes or gunshot blasts or
pills of poison or falling from buildings built for life
those that waste away with the slow poisons
those that are forced to forever deal with emptiness and loneliness
those that spend their entire lives running from everything and nothing
they're out there we see them often
and sometimes some of us become them.....
maybe a friend or a neighbor
and sometimes even you and me
those grumpy old people

the end of the world

The evils of the world, the evils of the world 

unfurled in front eyes that are young and innocent 

piling up into a poison planted deep

this world....a place where no one fits in,  

where everyone tries all their lives to fit in and blend, 

but the rules don't ever bend. And just then......we all die

the end of the world will come while

mothers and fathers play with their children

while homeless men and women struggle to find

a days meal or a days poison of choice

while cats and dogs play in backyards or in comfortable homes

while families sleep in comfortable beds

while the sun and moon shine in the sky

while the cool breeze blows through a summer's day

while the teenagers sneak out of their bedroom 

windows to run off in the night with friends

while the couple enjoys the timeless beauty

of spending time together, the timeless love

while the sick and dying lie in hospital beds

awaiting the reprieve of death to take them

while the mindless ones in mental institutions 

meander in the daily routines of medications and mindlessness

while we are at work, making money to survive...to survive

while we all stand and wonder why it all had to be this way

and just then....we all die

the skies will darken into a blackened day

and a smoldering night, where the fires that burn

burn more bright than the stars and moon and sun

the wave of death will pass through anything and everything

explosions of flame and screams,

of crushing forces and crushing sadness

explosions of the saddest of realities

of a rush of reality that none were ready for

that last minute thing to get done

a mother rushing to her kids

a man rushing to find his aged mother 

a husband rushing to find and protect his wife

the need to get to the loved one so dear

that final embrace before the wave of inevitability hits

that last minute thing a person needs to say 

to a loved one, the crushing force of reality 

the homeless man or woman with no one to find

with the sad reality of being alone at the end of the world
their choice will be the rush to find their poison of choice..or to find god
the last minute things before the inevitable end

foisted upon those that want to live

upon those that had everything to give

upon the man that just wanted love

upon the child in the orphanage that just wanted

parents that cared, that loved them

upon the woman wishing she could have that last perfect kiss

upon the man that loved so deeply and wanted so much to be 

near and with the woman of his heart, but he stands alone

upon the innocent ones, upon the loneliest nights

upon the hollow halls of every one's mind

explosions that wont echo at all

the cries heard wont last but a fraction of time

before all are left behind.....left behind

cries so loud and so gutting, the terror of dying alone

the cries of a mother for her children that died 

the cries of a father that couldn't keep his family safe

the cries of the homeless man forgotten by all and tossed aside

the cries of the earth itself.....

the cries of the stars being forced to watch a torturous end

the sadness of knowing death has come....and there will be

no past, no future, no time exists, no nothing remains

no pictures or memories, no tomb stones, no nothing

no trees, no houses on city streets, no animals, no, no earth

people will gather together in desperate panic

attempts to flee the end of the world

there will be small pockets of humanity at it's finest

but there will also be a loss of humanity so great 

the entire world will feel it 

trees will weep, animals will be saddened

the mother, the father, the brother, and sister 

all of which will cry alone in the flames

the man, the woman, the ailing grandmother or grandfather

no holds are barred for the end of the world

there will be those that climb the mountains, just 

to get a good view of the end of things coming towards them

mankind will inevitably lose it's mind

they'll celebrate and dance and get drunk

looters will loot, madness will consume all

and the young child plays alone immune to the 

imminent reality of death and flames and explosions

buildings and cities will lie emptied of all life

earthquakes will shake all the corners, cracks and crevices

toppling buildings, homes, and bridges like dominoes

lives will be crushed, lives will be burned up

lives will evaporate like the steam from boiling water

the forests will rage with a flame never seen

a flame higher than the highest mountains 

volcanoes will erupt in explosions of the hottest of flames

the lava will flow like rivers consuming everything

animals will flee with no where to hide

nowhere to escape the agony of sheer defeat

no escape, no escape, the harshest of realities, the harshest

man will run to the highest peaks, to the planes that fly in the sky

to the rockets and shuttles that fly in space

he will run and flee to the deepest of waters

but the waves of death and flame will lay claim to anything and everything

the explosions and flames will evaporate the oceans and rivers and lakes 

the steam will sear the flesh from his bones

and his bones will burn to a dust that becomes nothing 

in the empty void of what once was

of what could have been, of what most all

wanted to have happen

space will have no mention of it all, no voice 

to tell the tale of what was, there will be nothing

and the universe will expand and contract

again and again stopping for nothing until

the ultimate end 

the end of the universe

the end of all realities

the totality of nothing

this is based off of several dreams 

that i've had off and on for a couple of months now

very vivid and surreal dreams almost 

like a vision, but not quite

it is still not finished, but i figured i'd share what is there so far

6-15-15 with the heart of me

the whole of me is not good enough
but the heart of me is worth more than a thousand lifetimes of riches
and yet here i sit alone with an all too familiar feeling
of being not good enough
the boy looking in through the window
my colors are bright and shine most of the time
every so often a cloud of heavy rains comes
to dampen them and cover them with rains
puddles of pains, a collection of feelings and emotions
my efforts are good enough
the motions, emotions, and expressions true
my suffering, my hardships, my pains,
all worth it when the end result is you
my mind is good enough
while it flaws, fails, and flubs up a bit
all in all, the intentions are true
a plethora of thought mixed with emotion....love
my love is good enough,
good enough to last century after century after century
echoing through the halls of space and time
shining through the forests of the heart and love
smoldering warmly through the iciest and coldest of spaces
my voice calls, it cries out throughout the whole of it all
my words, my eyes, my hands stretched out
like the hands of a child to it's mother, like the hands of
the needy reaching out, like the hands of a paraplegic
motions in need of a loving touch
like a man reaching out to the love of his life
after she comes into his view
the smile that lasts forever
that desperate embrace after a long absence
the exploding passion erupting
more powerful than nuclear explosions
my heart reaches out to you, your touch is all it needs
your heart is home, home to this heart of mine
home to these eyes of mine, home to my words,
home to the whole of me that isn't good enough
and home to the heart of me that is worth
more than a thousand lifetimes of riches.

lonely lonely night tonight
words and memories and feelings echoing my mind
taunting and almost torturing me
i feel saddened and disheartened, but still ok
the girl cat sits next to me staring up at me
with eyes of focused concentration of intent
she knows her focus will inevitably bring my attention
and with it my hands to pet her
the boy cat is in the back room somewhere
dreaming away in his sleep
the wasps haven't been as active as last year
in the dark they sit inactive
Sigur Ros keeping me company
i sit dreaming, hoping, dreaming away
eternally

5-6-15

i've been refraining from my writing lately
the well has been dry, well sort of
i've written a few things, but none that i'd want to
share here just yet, perhaps in the future i will
well, the weather here has been more crazy
than the normal amount of crazy weather
that we have here. with the temperatures going
crazily up and down and up and down again
but at least there's been alot of open windows days
i feel ok today maintaining status quo, i guess
the cats are off in their spaces and places
sleeping and dreaming, im sure
the wasps are busy coming and going from
the roof next door often flying to my window
the days are growing longer and warmer
soon the burn of summer will be here to
send it's oven-like heat down to us all
as for me, well, i dream on, i hold on
eternally

4-9-15

and now you can see me standing there, waiting
you, watching and wondering
me, patiently standing, time does not exist for me
my ocean is deep but you wont drown
your ocean is just as deep and i feel fine
together we glide around and through the water
we fly and float through the air
through all the spaces and crevices of thought and dreams
we transcend space and time into dreams of eternal heaven

well, the spring time conundrum has arrived
the beauty of spring with the annoyance of allergies
beautiful flowers, green fields, blooms blooming
and the runny nose and watery, itchy eyes, the sneezes
ive been silent lately sort of like what i've written before:
"with nothing much to say, he remains silent on this day."
the wasps are busy today, the coming and going
they sometimes visit the window that i watch them from
investigating, foraging, a curiosity
the girl cat plays with a ball that i crafted for her
and the boy cat sleeps on my bed
well, this journey is not for everyone
we often stand confused, bewildered
we just have to understand that we'll never really have it all figured out
we just have to ad lib for the entirety of life
there is no "right" way, there is no "way it's supposed to be"
it's all just ad libbing and i say just go with it
fear is the main thing we should destroy
it doesn't matter if we die for it
it doesn't matter if we fall down
it's not the beginning or the end
it's all of the beauty of the in between
Ani DiFranco put it best:
"my body is borrowed, i got it on loan
for the time between my mom and some maggots."
sadly though, most people don't really see this
of course i don't have it figured out myself
i just share a view from my perspective
well, a nice rain has just started
the sound of a siren permeates the open windows
light thunder claps here n there, gently
the melodic rhythm of the drops
like an audible massage
well, i dream on, on into forests
into fields of flowers, into oceans of heaven
i hold on

3-24-15

and so the wasps have returned to the neighbor's roof
the scurrying and buzzing about, their coming and going
i noticed them a few days ago while daydreaming
no sign of them today though perhaps this is because of the
windy conditions today, which is quite nice
the cats are around, the boy cat sleeps in the back room
and the girl cat sits next to me watching with intent
she tapped my arm which scared me as it usually does, haha.
one would think i'd get used to it, but sadly it still scares me.
i've been enjoying the spring temperatures latelyall the windows opened, breezes flowing through the house
of course with that comes the touch of allergies
although, thankfully, they haven;t been that bad thus far.
i feel fine lately
i dream on.

the girl cat (chrissy) near my chair:

3-10-15

spring is on it's way now, temperatures on the rise
writer's block has made it's way back again
well, sort of, there's a few different things i've been working on
just nothing, as of yet, to put up on here
we are our worst critic or so the saying goes
well, im feeling good, a theme of things lately....eternally
a smile, a feather floating on spring breezes, a sound of heaven
in the ears, on the eyes, into the heart
well, the cats are here, the girl cats sits in my lap purring
the boy cat, probably in the back rooms somewhere, sleeping
they are funny, except of course when they leave the gift of
a hairball or vomit for me to find.
the mule (my car) has been acting up on me lately
work to be done, money to be spent, still wished i had that one car
anyway, i went to the irish festival here this past saturday
or the "gay rodeo" as one used to call it, haha.
annual irish stew, funnel cake, beer, and now chicken fried bacon
yes, chicken fried bacon, with gravy to dip it in. it was delicious
and so spring is welcomed with open arms
driving with the windows rolled down and music playing
well, once the mule is mended
those long drives, those carefree days, those dream like days
and i dream on, into the fields and oceans of eternal heaven

2-25-15

a beautiful day today, a warmth even though it's cold outside
with the ice and cold temperatures and winter's grasp clinging still
soon the arms of spring will come and embrace us and
everything with it's hug of warmth and growth and beauty
i'm feeling great today, positive mood welcomed with open arms
the ice is beautiful, the trees are beautiful, my current thoughts are too
well, the world is still crazy, the times, the things, and the hoopla
but it still has beauty, although usually not found in the confines
of society's grips, but free floating like a boat on ocean waters
madness induced madness, war inducing wars,
still lingers the eternal halls of heaven, free floating
the cats are around here some where, doing their usual cattery
with the eating, sleeping, pooping, and occasional puking
the girl cat sits at the foot of her scratching post, content
the boy cat is, surprisingly, watching out the bay window
usually, by now, he's found a spot on my bed to slumber away
the spontaneity of the mind of a cat, simplicity defined
ironically as i typed that last line the girl cat comes to
my chair and taps me on my right arm as she often does.
scared me and made me laugh at the same time,
which in turn scared her just a little
i have a new mix by a great musician Foxes in Fiction
keeping me company as i sit and write.
download it and have a listen:
http://foxesinfiction.ca/post/112088504231/foxes-in-fiction-live-wnyu-feb-24th-2015
anyway, i float on, i hover on, i dream on, dreaming of heaven

2-9-15

so, the birthday came and went, no difference really
spent the entire day alone, and then went out and spent
the evening into the night alone. then the weekend came
and wasn't much celebration outside of my mom's gathering
had the most beautiful of dreams last night as i slept.
the kind that you really really wished you could stay in.
the most beautiful of beauty, the most brilliant of brilliance,
the most amazing of amazement, yeah a solace it was.
temperatures here yesterday and today were beautiful
yet another hint of spring in the winters time
a definite welcome thing to have in my reality
well, im feeling ok, still smolders the warmth within
slightly tired physically but feeling ok
i still come to that spot in the field of green
that spot we used to sit and lay in time and time again
the tree that we planted still grows tall and green
sometimes i bring a chair and sit for a while watching
the birds and flowers and sparkles of light through the leaves
id like to lay down and nap in that spot
maybe one day wake up to heaven's smile
the warmth, oh the warmth, you know like the warmth
of the suns rays shining through the window on a cool chilly day
warming your arms and hands and face.
and you close your eyes and relish in the moment
well, the cats are around here....
the boy cat sits in the bay window and the girl cat
is playing with a plastic bag with elated excitement
pouncing and pawing and rolling around with it.
anyway, i wonder what tomorrow will bring.
dreaming the dream of dreams
and of heaven

2-3-15

tomorrow.......so tomorrow is my birthday
39 years thus far, here's to another 39
just hopefully they'll be easier than the first 39
birthdays, a child's fun day, an excuse day for an
adult to be a kid again....at least to act like one
the excuse for overindulgence and the likes.
i haven't actually celebrated my birthday in years,
at least the past 15 or so years.
my mom usually has a birthday lunch or dinner
for me, cooking up the meal of my choice
of course she does this for all of her kids as well as
for my dad.
for me it hasn't been something i celebrate much
not because i dont enjoy growing older and such,
but because of reasons that i will eventually
disclose here for those that read my ramblings of
emotion and feelings and sometimes just nonsense
well, it's a cool day, looking forward to the warmth
of spring time temperatures and the hydration of the air
perhaps the wasps in the neighbor's roof will return.
well, the girl cat is waiting for me to give her attention
sitting on the ground next to my chair.
the boy cat is probably asleep on my bed.
im not quite sure what tomorrow's activities will bring
but perhaps i'll do something outside of the norm for
a change....of course big change is something i think
im going to save for next year when the 40th mark is
achieved. perhaps a long trip on the road, traveling to
places i've never been, places i've never seen.
too bad i'd have to do it alone. i've always enjoyed
traveling more when it's with someone.
the sort of travels where there's no actual
destination, but rather just go and see where one
ends up. the beauty of possibilities and potential.
well, inside there's still a sadness, the heart still hurts,
but for now, i feel ok, a warm and decent mood
the clock on the wall ticks with a persistance so
strong that it's as if it's forcing me to get up and go
about my day. and so, off i go, on and on into the day
the weeks, the month, into the year, watching and waiting
i dream still, i push on, pushing uphill, both ways, barefeet,
and im happy to do it. i hold on, the reality of it all.

1-30-15 with more random thoughts going through my mind

A disappearance, sort of like a dance upon thoughts, 

thoughts that can drag on for ages and not actually age, 

and yet we still have no choice in turning the page.........in life.

i tire.....i tire for many reasons and many times over.

my heart hurts, my head hurts and i didn't even realize

that i have stubbed my toe once again.

feels as though the toenail has been torn and bleeding.

my mind dances, it dances the way a person may have

walked when they were forced to "walk the plank"

the effects of life is so bright that you can smell it

it's scent is so strong, you can feel it

it's sound is so powerful you can see it

it's happiest of days still brings the saddest of days

and on those saddest of days, we'd all like to be the happiest.

a disappearance, sort of like a thought in our minds

that fades slowly, the way the lights of an airplane in the night sky

slowly and surely fade to darkness.

the thought that fades but the memory remains

as do the emotions and feelings seared forever behind closed eyes,

behind opened eyes, behind crying eyes

still lingers the fingers of fantasy, of dreams and of happiness

here now, the malaise of better days trailing into the present

making that which is ongoing, that much more of a reckoning

the cruelest of the cruel, the most painful of pains,

the most struggling of struggles 

a lone child jumping in puddles after a rainstorm

oblivious to the mundane monotony of adult realities.

they're actually the ones that have it all figured out

we, as adults, like to think we do, but the older we get 

the further away from reality we become.

perhaps this is why Alzheimer's and dementia and other brain anomalies

come to us as we age.

cats have it figured out too, they understand what we wish, what we dream

what we'd like to hold in the palms of our hands

my old cat boogies visited my sleep dreams the other night
her soft soft long haired fur, her light purring, and small beads all over
the ground and carpets and floors of the room we were in.
a walk in the park, a nice country side drive, a car accident on a
busy downtown highway.

this initially started with the first 3 lines and was going to be solely built on them

but as i wrote the next 3 lines i noticed the thought traffic in my mind build up

so i decided to just dump them all as they came verbatim.

while doing that it felt like steps in a movement

so there it is unedited

a mixed up day today

it started normal and nice, then transformed into quite the lonely evening/night

nothing but the contents of my mind to keep me company

oh and the cats, although they're not around at the moment.

they're probably sleeping in their usual spots dreaming like we can not

it's difficult not to think about how life could be so much different

so much more beautiful and happy if only things had been different for me

the past few days were beautiful, unusually warm in the upper 70's to 

lower 80's and quite blustery a bit. like a spring day in the middle of winter

i have jeff bridges sleeping tapes with me right now and ive become quite

addicted to them....beautiful pieces of sound and voice taking me so
very deep into my dreams of heaven and love and beauty.

well, there's not much to it these days, just a cyclical repetition of days

anyhow, i dream on.......i dream on

have a listen: dreamingwithjeff.com/#_

about positivity

sometimes i want to write about the happiest of days
the happiest of moments
sometimes i want to write about beautiful endings
with beautiful beginnings and the in betweens
sometimes i want to write about the imperfections
that make a person perfect
sometimes i want to write the most beautiful lines
lines that remove the saddest of realities
lines that will dry the wettest cheeks
lines that will warm the coldest of hearts
lines that will touch the ones untouched
lines that will hug those needing a hug
lines that will take someone into dreams
of golden fields of love and warm and hugs
of beautiful moments that sparkle like the
light of the sun reflecting off the ocean nearing sunset
sometimes i want to write warm and happy and positive
but it only comes out of me when i have those things
so i have to wait patiently, dreaming, dreaming
dreaming of the day when it does come to me

1-22-15

it's cold and rainy now, here at 1:02am
i can hear the rain tapping on the window
i close my eyes and this causes me to almost
feel a tapping on my shoulder, a turning to see
beauty standing there ready to embrace me in
hugs, of course the image ends when my eyes open
and sadness taps my shoulder, perhaps those rain drops
tapping on the glass are actually sadness tapping,
reminding me it's there, it has company with it you see
my head stuffy and clogged, but feeling better than
yesterdays incessant sneezing and dripping nose.
of course today, the nose was peeling and irritated
from having rubbed it raw.
well now, let me see, my birthday nears
i've been wandering, walking for nearly 39 years
21 of those in the dark shadows while my eyes try
their best to focus on the light of dreams
i feel.......
well, i just feel...can't say i feel good or ok or
bad or anything, cant really even say i feel
melancholy, because even then it's not quite true
insomnia still visits regularly, my sleeping dreams
are still strange......so strange indeed.
sometimes those sleep dreams are sad ones
of my waking dreams, my aspirations.
anyhow, 11 years shy of the 50 year mark
kind of funny to think about, actually
especially since those 11 will fly by faster than the past 10 did
although sometimes, they seem to go slower, mainly
when times of sadness and sorrow are around.
well, nostalgia has been a theme for me lately
watching old movies from my childhood and teenage years
listening to old music, remembering old memories
looking at old photographs.
makes me think about my last writing i posted here
the shells left after shelling peanuts.
well, i think alot, not too much, but alot
wondering on all things, even now
but sadly now, at this time, doing that just brings
the tears of sorrow, of sadness, the tears tapping on my
minds' window reminding me that it too is still there,
heck, it even has a chair that it sits in
it moves out when love moves in.
love.....oh love the most precious of things
the most gentle and beautiful of things
brings the best out of all of us
no matter how cold it gets you're warm with love
no matter how scared you might get, you're safe with love
my heart longs for love, acceptance, the security of togetherness
alas, i sit alone, in an empty room with an empty glass on the desk
with a mind full of thought traffic and no one to tell it to
with no one else's mind to listen to, their stresses, pains, feelings
i miss the intimate entanglement of conversations
thoughts woven together like strands in a rope
ahhh, sheesh i sound like a broken record it seems
one day, my voice will go silent, one day
so, the cats are here too, up to their usual
the boy cats sleeps on the couch and
the girl cats sleeps in a back room
i wonder if the wasps will be back this year
and so, i sit here dreaming
what do you do at times like this?
times of leisure and of cold and wet weather?
something to ruminate on i guess
i dream on

intoxicated contents of my mind

tripped up, a stumbling fall
now aches the toes that were stubbed
or was it the heart that stumbled and fell
the aches persist like a loud ringing in ones ear
a shell of dreams and hopes, desires and aspirations
the left overs from shelling peanuts
it's easier to exhale than it is to inhale
a shoulder to lean on, to cry on, an ear that really truly cares
arms to wrap around me and squeeze me, hold me, embrace me.
still persists the arms of emptiness, loneliness, alienation
those are the ones i wish and long to be rid of
those 'how was your day?' days
those warm, emotion filled hug days
those passionate kisses and loving days
and so i just have to watch.......

they have it all, choking in completion, yet missing something.
they have it all, watching across fields of green and comfort.
they have it all, looking for others and sadness.
they have it all, laying down on beds of dreams.
dreams that others wish and long for.
those of us in the gutters, in the streets, in the hollow halls of sadness and despair.
watching them take advantage of simplicity and beauty.
ignoring the now,  and looking towards tomorrow left with sorrow. 

this was written while i was intoxicated 

sometime last night around midnight or so

only just found it in my drafts and figured

i'd go ahead and post it anyway

1-2-15

and so another year has gone and a new one arrives
last year wasn't as good to me as i had imagined it
of course im not going to get any hopes up, at least
not high hopes or elevated expectations, just awaiting
footsteps i hear behind me, who's are they?
oh yeah, just the shadow that follows me every year
every day, every second, every time i look down from
my most beautiful of dreams, my most beautiful of heaven
footsteps that have followed me so long that
i can almost hear and see their future footsteps
the plight of a better day, a better year, a hope and dream
just awaiting, well, that will have to do for now
i feel ok, a slight of sadness, a slight of anxiety, a slight of
the unknown trickling into the present.
the cats are up to their usual cat activities
the girl cat sits in the dining room window
watching, concentrating, and perhaps contemplating.
the boy cat lays on my bed resting, sleeping, perhaps dreaming.
it's fish for lunch with broccoli and a green and black tea mix
sometimes, now, when i eat fish i think of the fukushima
disaster and wonder about eating fish, oh well
a cloudy and overcast day today with a steady rain
although it seems to have stopped raining for now.
i love days like today except for the cold air
overcast skies and a nice 72 degrees fahrenheit
are always a beautiful and welcome sight for my eyes
suddenly my thoughts race through a torrent of memories
and slam out my eyes in the form of tears
tears that stream like the trail from a comet
racing through space unbeknownst to us
i dream of a day when the tears no longer burst out
of course this is a dream we all have, it's just that
some of us have alot more tears than others
sailing on a dream, surfing on a wave of hope,
getting hit in the face by the sadness of realities.
so, the new year? the hope for less tears
the quest for my vision to be clear
well clearer than it has been before
when the fear of opening that one door
is no longer there..fear...fear
afraid to live, not because of doubts or negativities,
but because of shadows following me, choking me,
holding me down in the gutters, in the sewers of society
not even human
alas, i hold on, i keep dreaming, and yes sometimes even praying
praying, praying, such a strange and alien word.

here's to your new year and the best of things
as for me, just awaiting, holding, dreaming,
i push on.