1-22-15

it's cold and rainy now, here at 1:02am
i can hear the rain tapping on the window
i close my eyes and this causes me to almost
feel a tapping on my shoulder, a turning to see
beauty standing there ready to embrace me in
hugs, of course the image ends when my eyes open
and sadness taps my shoulder, perhaps those rain drops
tapping on the glass are actually sadness tapping,
reminding me it's there, it has company with it you see
my head stuffy and clogged, but feeling better than
yesterdays incessant sneezing and dripping nose.
of course today, the nose was peeling and irritated
from having rubbed it raw.
well now, let me see, my birthday nears
i've been wandering, walking for nearly 39 years
21 of those in the dark shadows while my eyes try
their best to focus on the light of dreams
i feel.......
well, i just feel...can't say i feel good or ok or
bad or anything, cant really even say i feel
melancholy, because even then it's not quite true
insomnia still visits regularly, my sleeping dreams
are still strange......so strange indeed.
sometimes those sleep dreams are sad ones
of my waking dreams, my aspirations.
anyhow, 11 years shy of the 50 year mark
kind of funny to think about, actually
especially since those 11 will fly by faster than the past 10 did
although sometimes, they seem to go slower, mainly
when times of sadness and sorrow are around.
well, nostalgia has been a theme for me lately
watching old movies from my childhood and teenage years
listening to old music, remembering old memories
looking at old photographs.
makes me think about my last writing i posted here
the shells left after shelling peanuts.
well, i think alot, not too much, but alot
wondering on all things, even now
but sadly now, at this time, doing that just brings
the tears of sorrow, of sadness, the tears tapping on my
minds' window reminding me that it too is still there,
heck, it even has a chair that it sits in
it moves out when love moves in.
love.....oh love the most precious of things
the most gentle and beautiful of things
brings the best out of all of us
no matter how cold it gets you're warm with love
no matter how scared you might get, you're safe with love
my heart longs for love, acceptance, the security of togetherness
alas, i sit alone, in an empty room with an empty glass on the desk
with a mind full of thought traffic and no one to tell it to
with no one else's mind to listen to, their stresses, pains, feelings
i miss the intimate entanglement of conversations
thoughts woven together like strands in a rope
ahhh, sheesh i sound like a broken record it seems
one day, my voice will go silent, one day
so, the cats are here too, up to their usual
the boy cats sleeps on the couch and
the girl cats sleeps in a back room
i wonder if the wasps will be back this year
and so, i sit here dreaming
what do you do at times like this?
times of leisure and of cold and wet weather?
something to ruminate on i guess
i dream on