i used to drink

 i wrote this a few nights ago
i know ive written about it before
but i couldn't shake the thought 
off until i wrote it here
was unsure about posting it
but what the hell
as usual and for best effect/results
scroll down and click play
if it is not auto-playing, then read
thanks for your time

i used to drink to feel normal
even if for a few hours in a night
i used to drink to chase dreams into 
the infinite glass bottom
i used to drink to hide from realities
that are chained to me, holding me
i used to drink so that i could stop
thinking and to stop feeling
i used to drink
it's been so long since i drank
that i've forgotten how long it's been
i'm going to guess i quit in or around 2018
so weird to think it's been that long
part of me, so very much, misses chasing dreams
into infinite glass bottoms
feeling normal for just a few hours
but in my mind set and at this stage in my life
drinking is pointless
it was always an act of futility
throwing money away to purposely
harm my body......my mind
"a shot of Jameson"
"vodka with a splash of sprite"
like going down a water slide
a blur going down each time
watching the years go by like the 
pages of a flip book
faces like city lights
eyes like laser beams
emotions like dynamite
a haze of peasantries and illusions
a plethora of souls running the same 
running from the past, from pain
from realities unknown
searching for answers, solutions
searching for distractions from the life
they already live, but lost sight of
times like these i really really miss
that drunken stupor of vodka soaked 
dreams and dance floor scenes
gulp one down and get on the dance 
floor and close your eyes and sail away
into an empty room with lights like thoughts
and comfortable feelings like arms from a hug
and occasionally opening your eyes
only for a moment before hiding away again
or dashing to the bar again for more
of course in today's world and way of things
chasing dreams in bottles and going the way of 
blackout drunkenness would be so very good
but there's something in the air
something deep inside me
giving me the will to never drink again
like something telling me not to because
there's something going on
because of some other reasoning, i'm unaware of
sure i miss it dearly at times
but i have zero desire for it
same with  smoking cigarettes
i so very much miss the flavor of cigarettes
and the smell of them as well
always loved the smell of them since i was a child
and to this day i still love the smell of cigarette smoke
but i've no desire at all to smoke again
not sure why this all came to me tonight
or why i couldn't stop thinking about it
but figured i'd take note of it here
as another midnight passes me by

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

7-18-2021 11:23pm

as always, for best result/effect
scroll down and click play first
if it is not already auto-playing
and then read
thanks for reading
just a little more of the contents
of my thoughts and feelings

my mind has been more active than usual
lately and i'm not sure why
something is in the air
i can feel it clearly 
seeing the state of societies across the world
so much has boiled up and is pouring over
evil running rampant, unrest all over the world
like never before...never before
we have gone so far off the path
and so far away from beauty
and i'm beginning to feel as though there is 
literally no going back now
people pushing evil as though it were good
hate soaring through the skies of innocence
i really feel bad for the world
the world is harsh enough as it is
why do people have to make it harder
why do they seem to want to make it harder, 
more evil, more death and destruction
they seem to enjoy such things
people living life as if life goes on forever
as if none of us dies, even though we all do
every single person or animal ever born
will die with 100% death rate
and with such a short amount of time given
why would we not want to do good,
spread kindness, TRUE kindness
not that fake doing kind acts for likes on "social medias"
not that false representation of kindness
i feel when the act of doing a kind act
is of a selfish intent, it counteracts and destroys
the entire point of doing kind acts
and when i close my eyes,
i can see a cat playing in a field with grasses tall
chasing grasshoppers and butterflies
and when i open my eyes
i can see the world aflame
with people broken and beaten...defeated
and children laying dead or dying
their minds were twisted with lies and deceit
guided to the path of sheer defeat
i can see love out there
struggling to stay afloat in that
big sea of flames ... the flames of hatred
the flames of lies and deceit
and so most days i wanna keep my eyes closed
but obviously that's impossible
sometimes i'll stop, in the rare occasions
that i do go somewhere, and really look at people
i will look at their hands and their faces
into their eyes and try to see their pains
to try to imagine the hardships they may have had
look at them as a human being that has cried
that has hurt, and has been hurt and possibly has hurt others
if only we all could stop and just look at each other
never mind any stupid differences
never mind any stupid groups that we so blindly put ourselves into
any labels to separate us from the truth
if only we could all just connect as human beings
because at the end of the day, that is literally ALL we are
just human beings
we came into this world in the exact same way
our hearts beat in the same way
we bleed the same and get sick the same
we cry the same, we hurt and laugh and love the same
we go through the same things in this life
learning, loving, hurting, losing,
sometimes needing help, other times helping others
and yes we all experience death
it's too bad the whole world cant stop and just look
at one another, share a tear, share a hug,
share the beauty of being a human being
oh how i wished the world was different
how i wished people were different
oh my brain and it's ways of thought
these kind of haunting thoughts
and the imagining of what the world would be like
if we all did stop and just really looked at each other
allow the natural connections of the human experience
i think the world would see alot more love growing
but ah hell, what would i know?
i just really feel a quickening building
some kind of otherworldly pressure
not to sound too crazy, but like there's a huge
reckoning coming to the earth, to us all
i feel it now more than ever
something building in the atmosphere of this universe
i cant put my finger on it, but it feels as real and tangible
as food or clothes or the beds we lay in
and as another midnight passes by
i can't help but think of what possible future
may come to be upon this earth
and my heart weeps for the world
for human beings, for all of us on this planet
and yes i also weep because of loneliness, isolation
because of a lack of love and of the care of others
and i fear, greatly, the day when i no longer weep

øjeRum · Stormslagne Sjæle

a tortured venting

i wrote this a few days ago and
i was uncertain about posting it
for the obvious reason
but i figured what the hell
as usual, for best results/effect
scroll down and click play
if it is not already auto-playing
thanks for your attention

torturous dreams last night
of love and cuddling and hugging
feeling wanted and desired
just to be woke up by the loud neighbor's dog
and living in a neighborhood that has become
the exact opposite of what it once was
used to be such a nice and quiet place
now a cacophony of car stereos and loud dogs
and after market exhausts and burning out
and the occasional gunshots
a dog with a bark like the sharpest axe
chopping my brain, my soul
chopping at the seams of my sanity
i was woken up early to that dreaded
sound of the neighbor's dog incessantly barking
i could feel each chop of it in my mind
each chop at my heart
i sit in here keeping to myself
never making a sound
thoughtful of others
even when i'm listening to music i keep it down
i'm courteous of all my neighbors even these
that show no care or respect for others
i'm  courteous even when i do rarely go places
i park in the back of parking lots to allow others
that might not be as able to get around
even when the parking lot is mostly empty
i make sure i'm parked straight and centered
so i'm not partially blocking the next spot
i wave people to go ahead of me
yet all the while, the world has made me
feel like a soccer ball kicked and prodded
i feel tortured and dangling by a thread
i feel trapped like my leg is in a bear trap
and let me not forget about the loneliness
and how im nothing more than a faint distant echo
fading into nothing
to make matters worse
last night before going to sleep
i was being prodded by thoughts of suicide
why couldn't i be like an asshole?
more like those people that don't care at all
about anyone or anything other then themselves
i feel like leaving this world all the time now
but i'm too much of a coward to do anything
so here i exist feeling trapped and tortured
and somewhere a mother has just given birth
to her first child
somewhere a child is playing in the sun's light
somewhere a couple has just been married
somewhere a person has survived cancer
somewhere lives someone that has always
gotten everything they've ever wanted
maybe one day the sounds of that dog barking
will chop my head off and it will roll off
into the clouds of nothingness
into the clouds of those forgotten by all

vv. · 1978*

7-13-2021 11:23pm

as usual, for best results/effect
scroll down and click play if it is not
already auto-playing
thanks for reading

was an average day today
i got out and mowed the lawn 
and cleaned out some stuff from the house
gonna be doing alot of that soon
haven't moved that much stuff around
and haven't done that much physical activity
in quiet a long time, so it's surprising that i didn't
get wore out, but in fact i feel fine,
even now at this time
mentally i'm wore out though
from the the inner battle inside
from seeing the world such as it is
from the deprivation of all things...from love
i 've been feeling fairly bad mentally lately
kind of scary a few times and so 
i actually reached out to someone i knew,
but my texts were unanswered
....that is a familiar kind of loneliness
almost called one of those crisis lines again
but figured what the hell do they care,
it's only their job to be on those phonelines
i'm just another file in a file cabinet so to speak
so i fell asleep thinking of the end of life
and tears streaming down my face
and as i mowed the lawn i had to fight the tears away
a woman going for a walk walked by and started
some friendly chatter
i was friendly to her and thought she was very
attractive, but i remained silent about that
and kept things cordial and she went on her way
i had stopped edging so she could pass by
and not possibly get hit by flying debris 
of course as i thought about that later 
in the day it made me sad 
sad because i so very much miss
the company of a woman
their conversations and the emotions in them
their feminine ways and perfumes
feeling loved, desired, embraced, and accepted
do you know beauty? the real beauty?

you know, the way her eyes squint when she laughs
the way her heart beats sound when your head is on her chest
the way she looks when she is sleeping and the peaceful look
on her face as she sleep

the movements of her hands when she talks
or the way she sits in a chair 
and yes, the perfection of her imperfections
but ahh, what the hell do i know?

just the mindless words of a lonely middle aged guy
although i'd like to think i know how to appreciate beauty
all the times ive practically paved roads for them and their love
the ones ive handed my heart to
it's not that i'm scared of getting hurt
it's more of the fact that i don't know if i can handle much more
since i'm already dangling from a thin thread, barely clinging on
i just wonder what will happen if i hand the final piece of my heart
to someone and then to have them destroy it as well

will i fade into the ether?

will i be able to remain sane?

will i jump from bridges or buildings into infinity?

will i be blasted into a state of catatonia?
well, i think i'd rather not see what would happen
a desperation builds inside
like icy cold hands on my shoulders
i just want to warm up, but it's impossible
it's just so hard to see anymore
since everything is so far away
like when you watch a plane flying at night
and you see it's light slowly fade to nothing
i used to watch planes and the stars all the time
but i don't do much of anything anymore

other than wither away
i must say it did feel nice to converse with that woman,
even if it were only a few small sentences
i tried my best to hide away my eyes though
i guess i do kind of fear eye contact these days
afraid someone will see in and know my pain
that my torturous struggle will be on display
like some days ago i had to go to the grocery store for a few items
and as i got cat litter, a woman came close to get litter as well
and we had idle chatter about cats,
but i did not make eye contact at all
i did see her coming down the isle and
yes she was very much attractive
or perhaps i'm such a lonely guy that
i'm seeing beauty everywhere since
i've been away from it for such a long time now

since ive been deprived of the presence of a woman
i think she must have thought i was crazy
as she turned and walked away
my dumb self almost started dumping words and emotions on her
some random attractive stranger
the tinnitus as been singing for the past few hours now
and my thoughts are swirling
and as another midnight passes by
i can only hope that if i dream tonight
i can be carried into fields of beauty
even though i know that once i wake up
they will make me sad
sad and lonely
a desperation seeps in

Dronarivm · Sven Laux And Daniela Orvin - Friends (from 'The Writings')

7-3-2021 11:45pm - 7-7-2021 10:30pm random thoughts

 as always, for best effect/results
scroll down and click play
if the song is not auto-playing
and then read
originally started writing this
on the third and decided
to finish it now

it's funny how our minds will remember things
that, seemingly, don't have any significance
or perhaps it's just that we're unaware of the
significance of the memory
like once when i was a kid i went to a church
camp out event held in Eufaula Oklahoma
and i remember going into a store that the
bus had stopped at and seeing a fish tank with 
large fish in it and remembering how it seemed
kind of dark inside the store, but i remember 
how it felt cool and soothing 
i've no idea why that memory is still there considering
i must have been like nine, ten, or eleven years old then
perhaps a bit younger, but i can't be certain
i think my absolute earliest memory i have
is looking up at a radio transmitter/receiver tower
i must have been young enough to be held
as my mom walked towards a building
i was fixated on those towers and had that
intense feeling i've spoken about in posts before
of which i have never figured out why those
towers gave me such feelings
even as recently as 5 years ago or longer
you'd be surprised how fast time seems to fly by
when you've isolated yourself from the world
how a year can seem like a week
or how you can go from 42 years old to suddenly 45
and everything is a blur from repetition
routine, and habit
i sometimes can't get over how strange
this world is and how strange people are
all the various mechanisms of control we place
on each other and in fact on the world
one person thinks they have it all figured out
and they think they know best for all others
even though, NONE of us have it figured out
we never do even to the very moment we die
oh sure we can have understandings of things,
but we don't know outright
life, as i see it, is like driving a car through a cave
at midnight, without lights, without gps
riding blind, crashing and burning all the way
and to make matters worse there are too many
people that just follow the leader
too many that jump on bandwagons
even when the wagon is on fire and self destructive
and yes of course controlled by 
social medias and news medias
minds guided by hands that want us to be defeated
hands and minds that want us all to fight and hate and kill
and destroy everything
and to destroy love
but hey, what do i know, right?
im middle aged and failed at life
and i too am riding blind
or i should say merely existing blind
oh hell, my thoughts have been swirling again
i remember a dream i used to have
when i was younger
of being in a coffee shop that i used to frequent
and sitting at the bar with a sandwich and tea
i was talking to a female friend that i had
and i heard the sound of loud music
and time seemed to slow down and
my view switched to the third person
and i could see myself sitting there
and the car with the loud music 
started shooting into the coffee shop
even though i was in the third person,
 i could still feel everything
i was shot in the shoulder and in the chest
and i started to slump, but then a bullet 
hit me in the head and i dropped 
like a thousand pound weight 
into the ocean
i remember feeling the pain for a split second
until i felt nothing and i was looking 
down on myself and my friend that was crying 
over me and hugging me
as if i were a security camera
before the head shot, i felt the wound on 
my shoulder and ran my finger around and slightly 
into the wound....such an immensely strange feeling
ive had a number of strange dreams lately
one of which was unsettling and scary to me
a few of them included me killing myself 
in various different ways
and then some of the dreams were almost indescribable 
like in a wave of some kind of pulse
and thoughts were laid out like cutouts from a book
and randomly one of those thoughts would pop like a bubble
and seemingly disappear completely except for 
this kind of residue type haze or smear left behind
i cant even find the words to justly describe it all
why does this brain of mine have to be so strange?
i can see a glass on a table
and water is slowly being poured into the glass
and the glass is nearly full
and i can see people walking outside in 
hazes and dazes hypnotized by glowing screens
and talking heads telling them what to think
and how to act and yes even how to treat others
there isn't much room out there for a guy like me
i don't fit in anywhere and never did really fit in
when i was young i tried to find others like me
out there in the world and i thought i had found them
in the goth or new waver community
the goth club i frequented for twenty years off and on
i wanted to find other independent thinkers
other so called non-conformists, except without the lawlessness
i did meet some good people there
but also alot of nonsense as well
and as i stayed in that world of friends and peoples,
i slowly began to see that the majority of the people
were not non-conformists at all,
not quite the independent thinkers i thought were there
that in fact the majority of them were conformists all the way
alot of those bandwagon types as well as
the go along to get along ones, those fake it till you make it types
there is such an overwhelming self destructiveness in the 
whole fake it till you make it way of things
in the whole go along to get along mentalities
ive always thought that if you feel it, be it
if you're sad inside, be sad, let the emotion out
if you're mad, be mad
all within reason of course, ya don't want to go crazy
it's just not good to let things build up inside
rather it be sadness or anger or frustration or whatever
anything else don't seem to make sense
well, i guess there's a method to it all,
a way of life keeping a balance in all things
anyhow, i sit here now in this way
thinking of this world and my perception of it all
and typing out my thoughts and feelings here
im not sure what else to do with my thoughts
as i sit here withering like a single lonely flower
in a dusty old vase sitting in an empty
abandoned house
as another midnight passes me by 
contemplating various thoughts
thinking of the universe
of how i remember happiness
of what i remember how love feels
thinking about life and it's end
like lights in a room
ah well, i guess i refrain