4-8-2018 emotional

as usual, click play on the song
and then read away

00:42 (12:42am) 
sometimes i really want to write
the release of things from writing
a small reprieve from the pains and norms
but often times these days
there's nothing in me to write about
and so i stay silent
sure, i could write about the same things
that i typically write about
and then i'm a broken record
playing the same song over and over again
it might be a remix or a rework
but still the same song nonetheless
even this so far is a broken record
i don't know what's going on with me
with my life, my health
i don't know where i'm heading
or what's going to happen to me
sometimes i feel like i don't even
know how to go about figuring out
where i'm going or what is going on
sometimes i feel like i don't really care
that drive that was in me, seemingly gone now
once intelligent and now shells of peanuts
strength and will, driven out of me
sure, one could say it's still there
but just feels as though it's gone
what's wrong with me?
one would think that i'd have figured
out, by now, what is going on and such
hell, how can i give to someone else
when i don't even have a clue?
what could i bring to someone else
other than my love, but even that
it seems is not good enough for someone
to keep and hold dear
i'm middle aged, fat, and misaligned
i've got bad teeth and now in ill health
i can't help but to feel a little afraid
loneliness is putting it all extremely mildly
rarely ever does my phone go off
unless of course it's a wrong number
not a how are you or the likes
oh so this is what an abandoned house
must feel like
i don't even remember what a real hug feels like
or even a hug of romance, of love
oh love, how incredible it is
shit, i'm lost, can't find my home
i keep falling down and
something keeps stepping on me
while i'm down
oh lord, can i get some relief?
what little ways i have left
such a folly of things
anyway, the girl cat is sleeping in
her new bed on my bed
and the boy cat is sleeping in the other room
i have a headache and my heart is sad
and i wonder who else is thinking like me
i dream on.......nah, nevermind that
i'm waiting to see....nah, strike that
i just don't know what the hell i'm
doing anymore.......

4-5-2018 -- 4-6-2018

1:23am
well, let me see now where was i?
oh yeah, i meant to forget about it all
but i keep coming back
you know, the whole waiting thing
age creeps in and taps on my mind
taps on my body, letting me know it's here
high blood pressure visits me now
one more thing to drive me there
how loud can one yell before someone hears?
how many times does one yell before
realizing that no one is listening,
that no one will ever hear?
how lonely can one feel?
the loneliness of an empty mirror
the norm had become a melancholy
an absence of feeling anything until today
today was the first in a while of emotions
paying me a visit and oh did the tears well up
they flowed like the song of a choir
singing an elegy for the dearly departed
what songs do they sing?
the wind blows in through the window screen
with a slight hissing sound as it goes through
maybe that is the song they sing
well, at least they're singing that song for me
it seems to be and nary a voice is heard
just like mine, oh look a cricket is singing
but it's not singing for me, but rather for a female
to come to him, just like me.....shit
uncertainty, shrouded in mystery
shrouded in warpaint and armor 42 years thick
oh he tires, his strength does wane
it's harder more so than ever before
to get back up once he falls or is beaten down
sometimes he stays down for a while
well hell, i feel ok, i guess
outside of the high blood pressure anyway
the cats are up to their usual thing
with the sleeping and eating and dreaming
the overall contentment, such a life
my eyes are clouded, my head hangs low
my spirit wanes, my ember still burns though
smoldering, waiting for the fuel to come 
to flame up into an inferno of eternity
i see smoke all around me, evidence
of the flaming infernos of others
which gives me hope and yet also cant help
to not feel some slight hints of envy
oh well, rather stubborn or gluttonous
i wait to see what happens tomorrow
dreaming all the way

partially written yesterday and finished today