10/3/2026 23:11

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then read for best effect

fall temperatures have arrived,
along with the first rain in some months.
my favorite time of year...
overcast skies, cool temperatures.
went to my dad's 80th birthday celebration today.
was good times for my dad, he enjoyed it..as did i
a lot of people in attendance.
my attention to everyone and everything going on
was very heightened, sharp.
i begun to see the state of a few of my uncles
and the affects of time and age.
one of my uncles is 86 and his wife,
just a few years behind him...
both seem to have early stages of dementia,
and another of my uncles has parkinson's disease.
the sounds, the voices in the air...carrying on, floating
like leaves in a river, flowing under a bridge. 
they don't tell you about this, you know...
the swirl of thoughts that arise from such a sight.
what a stark feeling it is, i almost can hardly
muster a formulation of articulation that suffices
the emotions and feelings that have arrived.
there's a slight sense of fear for some reason.
and a sadness underlying, not for myself but for 
them to have to face and deal with such things...
dementia...parkinsons...the emotions became 
overwhelming a number of times whilst there
and even now i find it unsettling to think on.
my dad has begun to have difficulties
with memory, mostly of day to day things.
it has been difficult to see and learn to deal with
and i face this alone and in isolation.
oh, am sure i could reach out to one or two, 
but i feel as if i would be burdening them.
it's like a giant that one sees from afar,
but it's moving towards you.
a shadowed silhouette and a swirl of clouds
like fog that has rolled in
oh life and it's ways and the toll we all have to pay.
such an expensive toll it is indeed.
me at the age of 50 and have already paid
such a heavy toll...enough for 2 or 3 lifetimes.
normally social activities can be taxing mentally,
but in this regard, with family, it was not.
it was, however, emotionally difficult due to the
thoughts and emotions that were stirred up.
secondarily, it did give me a slight sadness to see
cousins with their families, and me with no one.
no wife or kids of my own...just a middle aged old man.
oh, i can see it out there in the ether...
that green field of grasses tall and the trees that dance,
swaying back and forth from the wind's massage.
a beckoning call or perhaps a taunt of that which is not.
and so i sit with my thoughts, contemplating life's realities.
the empathy overwhelms...chokes out light.
a somber cloud of swirling emotions...
like seeing an image of the universe and the immensity
of all the galaxies and stars within.
and as another midnight passes me by,
i cant help but to think about my uncles and aunts.
the passage of time upon us all
and the tolls that we all uniquely pay.
and the loneliness that comes from facing such 
realities alone........it makes me feel tired

9-25-2026 23:23

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the seasons have begun to change
leaves falling, temperatures lowering
the kitties are coming up on a year old
next month, they're good little kitties
i sit typing this in a state absent of any specific
thoughts or moods or emotions
the neighborhood is still a place that
i am ready to leave for good
with the noise and the obnoxiousness
the kitties are, at least, very content and happy
so that brings me a bit of contentment and joy
coming up on the end of the year in some months
time passes ever so quickly now
as my age racks up more mileage
as time and the world takes it's toll
although lately i haven't seen much being that
in a year and some months it will have been
10 years since i withdrew from the world
and engaged in the life of a recluse/hermit
loneliness only visits when a movie 
reminds me of that which i have not
most of the time it is the same as always
neither happy nor sad, just a big nothing
just an existence of sorts, basically
i do not foresee that changing anytime soon
although i would like that to change
well, i suppose ill be getting some enjoyments
when the temperatures begin to reflect
the fall season and the cool air arrives
maybe ill start going on my walks again
took a bit of a hiatus from them for a bit
i still miss the silence of the neighborhood though
was such a comfort, now it is a cacophony
a combination of discordant sounds
a shattering of comfort and the stillness of the mind
rather it is a dog's incessant barking
someone with their stereo blasting
or the ridiculous and obnoxiously loud  exhaust
on their vehicles or a combination of it all
i miss solace and the late night drives at 3am
the empty roads and stars beaming
it was like holding hands with destiny at times
i wasn't meant for extreme isolation
i feel like i was most definitely meant for companionship
for love and elation, friends and conversations
but oh how the world is and how people are
and oh how my brain is
and so i sit here in this room of 4 walls
typing these words to no one and everyone
with Pepi sleeping on the leather couch,
and Sam sleeping under the coffee table in front
of the leather couch
my hair is disheveled and my countenance is absent
as the outside noise concusses my brain
the neighbor's dog and it's ways of mental torture
one thing is certain in this reclusiveness,
ive found less creativity and inspirations
words have lessened of late as a result
i sit quiet with my thoughts
a swirl of no particular pattern
some memories intertwined within
and a cataloging of the day
such as it is with the repetition of the same thing
the same routine and habits
and as another midnight passes by
i still wonder if ill ever find that field of green grasses tall
and the wind's caressing flowing over it, through it
when beauty reveals itself to me again
the beauty of love,
the beauty of a woman,
and when time stands still again
...when time stands still again

7-6-2026 23:40

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and click play on the song
and then read.

well now, let me see
i've been here before, seen all these things before
watching as each page is turned in succession
as history is repeated over and again
both in society and in our individual lives
it's the one thing humans are best at.
repeating the same mistakes, the same failures,
over and again like a cassette tape loop
playing over and over again.
none of society seems to want that to change
as they all divide themselves up, a separation
they use more labels and divisive mechanisms
to create tension and in turn resentment...anger
oh the red team, blue team, left side, right side,
religious preferences, sexuality, skin colours, ethnicities,
and if that is not enough, then they create even more
way to divide themselves up and fuel hate
ways to look at one another with judgmental eyes
dissecting each other until they can find a reason
to dislike, to hate
beauty is still out there though, the truth is too
but these days most want to destroy beauty
and they don't like the truth
they want to destroy the truth
it's incredibly difficult to watch it all going on
thinking the way i do and with the perception that i have
it's incredibly isolating as well
i don't really think i was supposed to be here on this planet
with the mind that i have it is crippling to have awareness
awareness coupled with understanding
well, i've reached a point where emotions are rare
loneliness is not a factor these days,
most of the time i feel absolute nothing
neither happy nor sad.
my environment has become caustic
the neighbor next to me got a dog that is ridiculously loud
my sleep is constantly disturbed
there's far more noise and disrespectful neighbors around now
trash allowed to fly all over, loose dogs running around
it is as if i went to sleep one night and i somehow was teleported
to a foreign country, i barely recognize the town i grew up in 
i still live in the exact neighborhood i grew up in.
so these days i don't even feel comfortable in my own home
i no longer get solace, except of course in isolation
and at the same time feeling alienated as i always have it is 
an even greater amount of alienation
i do feel tired most days, a weakened countenance about me
i'm certainly tired, oh so incredibly tired
it does cause a feeling of loneliness to begin to creep up
i've no one to talk to as i don't have friends
i'm 50, getting old, feeling old, tired, and worn down
all my dreams and asperations each all went in the opposite directions
there was a time that i used to say i'm just waiting
to see what happens tomorrow
but these days i just exist, no purpose, no achievements
sure i have two kitties that depend on me, but even that i often 
feel as if i'm not doing good enough for them.
of course i probably sound like a broken record these days
a repetition of the same words scrambled and composed differently
but saying the same tired, worn out old things
one day i will be gone, i'll die just as we all do eventually.
i can't help but wonder if these words, after i'm gone, will
ever be heard and understood actually.
perhaps it is then that someone would actually understand me
and, of course, obviously then it will be too late.
and as another midnight passes me by
i cant help but to think about the world, my mind, the kitties,
loneliness, and those meadow of green grasses tall
and the wind rippling across that grass
i cant help but to think of beauty defined
nature, the beauty of a woman, 
and the comfort of having a companion.
and the loneliness that comes from thinking about it all.

3-26-2026 23:37

as always scroll down and click
play, and then read.

well, it's been a while since i've had anything

to reflect on, anything worth the effort
to type out or scribble onto paper

these days what with the world such as it is

with society so far beyond and removed from reality

the absolute absurdity of it all
sometimes it almost seems as if it wasn't even real

well, i turned 50 back in February
feels the same as always

just a bit of wisdom and perception tossed on
i have 2 kittens now as well
my Mother was given them as newborns and literally
raised them to where they were ready to go to a home
their mom cat had seemingly rejected them after their 

hiding place was discovered and the kittens had to be moved

for renovations on the garage they were in
there were 4 kittens total, my little sister took 2
a female and male, and i took the other 2, both males

we wanted to keep them in the family after

mom going through all the trouble of waking 

every 4 hours and hand feeding them

for weeks on end and at her age of 75

my mother already has a cat of her own so she couldn't

keep them but she gets to see these kittens regularly

they are energetic and sometimes frustrating
but always cute and i do love them
well, it's difficult to see the world as it is,

and watching people completely oblivious to it all
people being controlled by mere suggestions,

snared and entrapped into ways and methods  
controlled by words of nothingness, ideas and ideologies
of which only bring about sadness and depression, 
hatreds and violence. so wrapped up in slight of hand
kind of words, mentalities and manipulations
make me not able to help but to think to the days 

before the internet and 'smart' devices
those "leave a message after the tone" days
when times were a bit slower and more carefree
a cool breeze could captivate the mind
instead it's rage, or hatred, or sadness, or obsessions
divisions, separations from that which should be natural
it's easy to love, but to hate takes alot of work
sometimes i allow myself to reflect on things
on those times back then the 80's and 90's
it's a kind of lonely feeling whenever i do
reflect on it, a mirror's reflection of a dusty attic
well, i'm still living the recluse life
still mostly absent of feelings or emotions
a chasm of thoughts and leftovers from love's wars
fought over and again
oh i sometimes see beauty and am bedazzled by it
beauty is so rarely actually appreciated
most of the time it's a lust of the eyes
but some of us do see it as it is.

but in my positioning and current state it's most
definitely observed from a distance
except of course the trees and grasses
of course those are basically harmless
i wonder the toll i am to pay for such a long period 

of reclusive ways of minimal socializations

what kind of long term effects it will have
but i guess at the age of 50 does it really even matter?

the majority of my life has already come and gone
if one goes according to statistics that is
according to that i only have another 30 years. roughly, left
it's an interesting feeling for sure
who know how life for me will turn out
what things that may or may not transpire
that will take my life in new directions
am sure if romance became an option then 
obviously that would definitely be welcomed
but i am not going to hold my breath in that regard
and as another midnights passing
and as the kittens are running around play fighting
i can't help but think about open meadows of grasses green
and the wind passing through them
and of days of fantastic beauty