3-17-2020

as always, scroll down
and click play first, then read
a journal entry of sorts,
but mostly just rambling  

well, let me see now
there's not much to tell these days
i don't do anything or go anywhere
unless absolutely necessary
the last i actually hung out with people
was july 7th of last year
being a hermit has it's perks
but mostly it's a solace in isolation
it's not that i'm anti-social
but rather i'm tired of being
wounded while i'm already weakened
while ive already had the majority of
my essence beaten out of me
i grow weary of the world and of people
i fear most people these days,
not because of sicknesses or viruses, haha
but because i fear their intentions
i fear that, just like all the rest of them,
just want to syphon the bits they want from me
and then when they get their fill
they toss me aside like an empty soda can
i'm too old to feel that way anymore
and so, when i do have to go somewhere,
i avoid conversations as best i can, if i can
i mostly keep my eyes low and walk fast
with purpose, to get in and out as quickly as possible
i don't write much at all anymore
i don't really do anything much anymore
i especially try not to think, that's the hard part
i was making music again for a little while there,
but i found it only made me feel worse
there's not much creativity left in me anymore
there's more than enough thought in me,
but thinking is not my strongest asset,
not that i have any assets at all....
loneliness? i AM the definition of the very word
oh how i miss those blue slate floor tiles
always there to catch my tears
and comfort me to sleep through troubles
troubles that never relent, that will never go away
troubles that make me afraid to live
and so i hide away, a melancholic solace
well, the weather has been beautiful the past few days
overcast skies, a little rainy at times, and nice temperatures
there's some beauty in it all
looking out of the window,
i see it's almost time to mow the grass again
but i'll let it grow a bit more
i like it when the grass is up a little high
but not too high, just enough to see
the wind blowing through blades of grass
the cats are up to their usual ways
dreaming and living in constant contentment
playing and sometimes fighting,
but alot of sleeping and dreaming
as for me, bah, who cares anyway
no more waiting to see what happens
just a musing on purposelessness

loneliness?

originally wrote this sometime
in september of last year
but only just now deciding to post it:

this came to me while
listening to the song below
for maximum effect
click play if it's not
auto playing and then read

most don't know what loneliness is
they think of it as a memory in passing
being single for a while and sad
loneliness is an isolation of a soul
imprisoned from the rest of the world
an alienated person tossed aside like
old shoes with worn soles
even worse when the person is looked down upon
loneliness is an out cast from birth
second best and second rate
doing the best they can but it's not good enough
loneliness is a failure of a life
giving up and wasting away
a train that crashes into a steel wall at terminal velocity
loneliness is a tear shed from an aching or broken heart
a heart that loved so much,
but got left behind every single time it opened up
loneliness is an empty husk, the shell of a heart
what remains after the world and it's hunters got a hold
nothing but bones, cartilage, sinew, and offal left
after the hunters take their pick of the good meat
loneliness is the reflection of a mirror in an empty room
curtains blowing in the wind a comforting sight
loneliness is a contemplative mind with no one to talk to
like screaming down an empty hall
no one to hear, no one to care
loneliness is writing these pointless words into this blog
a pouring of me into a place where no one cares
loneliness is an over weight, middle aged man
sitting in an empty room
trying to find the strength to find a reason for being
trying his best to stay alive
loneliness is finding a comfort in the thought of no tomorrow