12-21-14

1:36pm
overcast skies, a bit chilly, but nice
the lonely days and nights come and go
the end of the year draws near
but first.....Christmas
i feel ok, still with the same tiredness(mentally), loneliness,
and the malaise of the adult realities.
writers block has seemed to come again
not much to say, only things to feel
silence has my voice lately
the cats are up to their usual cattery as i call it
eating, sleeping and watching....
the girl cat sits on the end table
and the boy cat plays with a cat toy with
excitement and focus
with not much to say, i hold my silence this day
waiting for the faucet of thoughts to once again open and pour out
the emptiness of thoughts echoing through my mind
like the sound of a soft voice in a deep cave
i hold on, i dream on, and well, actually
i just wait for better days.

the boy cat Sam on the left, the girl cat Chrissy on the right
 

12-7-14 with im blind

i long for you, i long for you to come into my view
i starve from a lack of you
i don't have a clue, i'm blind
a lonely and quiet day today, the warmth of the past few days
left in a hurry, scurrying off into sunsets of winter days
the plight for more daylight
the candles in my cave of dark don't shine as bright anymore
my soils aren't rich enough, aren't worth as much anymore
the rains have poured down too much and rinsed them out
there's not much to show or give any doubt
proof lies in the tracks i lay here, the place of my tears
the waves of this ocean don't ever stop, don't ever cease or rest
riding the waves is tiresome and lonely when you ride them alone
riding them together with someone, with total and unconditional love,
makes those waves fun, adventurous, exciting.
i'm blind, riding those waves alone, bruised, confused, disheartened.
yes, i still ride on hoping, wishing, and yes, sometimes pleading.

a lonely and quiet day today
temperatures were nice for a few days there, when winter
had to make sure we knew it is wintertime still
my feet are cold, i sit here barefoot typing this out
i can feel a slightness of a wind or movement of air going
between some of my toes, the massage of invisible fingers
normally i dislike the feel of my feet being cold.
i can hardly form words of positivity these days
outside of social interactions and conversations with others
only the here n theres and the every so oftens
my shoulders haven't been bare in over 20 years
obviously me leading nothing but a trail of tears
makes me think of the classic: "i've fallen and i can't get up."
of course i always get up and brush myself off
i just wished it wasn't so often.
the cats are sleeping side by side in the dining room window.
they dream in ways we wont ever know, but they sleep in ways
we wished we could
the days short, well the light of the days are
the cool and cold air settling over and under
the car with it's 112,000 miles sits outside, the mule
the house creaks and clicks here n there
and me? well, i'm still here, still talking to no one and everyone
i feel ok, disheartened alot, sad and lonely alot, but what about tomorrow?
i wanna see what happens tomorrow, but for now i'll see how i can
enjoy right now, this moment, each keystroke, each word, each feeling
each emotion. of course sometimes.....well, for me, alot of the times, it's hard.
the outsider looking in the window, the little boy not allowed to go in.
the grown man watching others take advantage, take for granted the
simplest of things he wished he could have.
i write on, i push on, i H O L D on.